Provocative (Tempting Book 3) (17 page)

T
here were
few things sadder than finding yourself at the office on the day after Christmas. Especially when you were the only person in the entire building. But it was worlds better than sitting at my quiet dark house. If I’d done that, I probably would have just hooked up an IV of alcohol into my bloodstream.

Leo had stopped responding to my texts about eight days ago, which probably meant Adele put the kibosh on the small nuggets of information that he’d graciously tossed my way.

But for a few days, it had been enough.

I knew she was safe. I knew that someone was keeping tabs on her.

Only for a few days though. After a week of nothing new, I was starting to feel itchy again. Because I knew that it wasn’t
enough
.

Sitting at the house felt like too much inaction, so even though I had no clear reason to be at the office given that the semester was finished, I couldn’t help myself.

I was just starting to organize folders on my laptop when there was a soft tap on my door.

“Come in,” I called, praying it wasn’t a serial killer.

Max’s fuzzy white hair cleared the door first and I grinned. The muscles of my mouth felt uncomfortable holding the shape, probably from weeks of disuse.

“What the hell are you doing here, Nathan?”

I stood and clasped hands with him. The skin of his fingers was cold from being out in the bitter air. “Merry Christmas, old man.”

He laughed and took a seat in the chair on the other side of my desk. “To you too.” Then he lifted his eyebrows at me. “Nothing better for you to do at home?”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Oh, I have a good reason. Realized this morning that I left my wife’s Christmas present in one of my desk drawers.”

I rocked back in my desk chair, folding my hands over my stomach. “Shouldn’t you have given it to her yesterday?”

The way he laughed only served a brutal reminder that I had no one to buy Christmas presents for this year. Just like it had been before Adele.

“We’re celebrating tonight since both of my daughters were with their in-laws yesterday.”

“Ah. Makes sense.”

We lapsed into silence, and for the first time since I’d met Max, it felt painful and uncomfortable. Like someone had shrink-wrapped my skin to the point that I couldn’t move.

“What’s going on, Nathan?” Max asked quietly, his kindness and concern feeling heavy and warm after weeks of solitude.

But I still couldn’t tell him the whole truth. I’d probably never be able to.

“Adele left me. Before Thanksgiving.”

He whistled. “Sorry to hear that. How long was it after the night I was there?”

“The next day, actually.”

“Shit. I’m so sorry, Nathan. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to give break-up advice to anyone who wasn’t my daughters. And then it usually ran somewhere along the veins of, ‘do you want me to have him murdered?’”

I gave him a look. “No, I do not want Adele murdered.”

“Good.”

“I just want her back,” I admitted quietly. “But she wants space. And if I respect her, then that’s what I’ll give her.”

“That’s what she said?”

I nodded.

He lifted his eyebrows. “That’s a tough spot to be in.”

“It is.”

“The fight,” he started cautiously. “Was it your fault?”

That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Because the truth was that her leaving me was the last domino to fall in a long and slow-moving decline that had lasted months.

But I looked at him all the same and gave the most honest answer that I could. “Yes. It was my fault. She’s not perfect, of course. No one is. But if I’d reacted differently, treated her the way I should have, then she wouldn’t have left. And knowing
that
is what makes it hard to push, when she’s asking me to stay away.”

Processing that, Max blinked away and stared at the bookshelf up against the far wall of my office. The rows and spines of books that were the foundation of both of our careers.

“Am I allowed to go ‘English Professor’ in my advice to you?”

I smiled. “Of course.”

“’In love there are two things: bodies and words.’” He pointed a finger. “Bonus points if you can correctly attribute it.”

“Joyce Carol Oates. You could have at least attempted to make it challenging.”

“Show off.” We both laughed, and when we stopped, he pinned me with a serious look. “You get what I’m saying though, right?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a slow breath. “It’s not that simple, Max.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not.”

“Yes it is. Do you love her?”

“Of course I do.”

He leaned forward in the chair and braced his hands on the wooden arms. “You’ve given her space. You let her breathe. But unless you show her, with your words and with your actions and with your body that you love her, how will she ever believe it? Talk to her. And don’t wait too long to do it.”

* * *

T
wo hours later
, I raised my hand to knock as politely as I could manage on the imposing black door. I heard heavy footsteps and stood back.

The look on Leo’s face was almost comical. Almost. If I wasn’t so desperate to see Adele and knowing that this might completely backfire on me.

“What the
fuck
are you doing at my house?”

“Well, you’re not answering my texts anymore.”

His eyebrows lifted and he gaped at me. “So … you turn into a fucking stalker and show up at my
house
on the day after Christmas?” I was about to reply when his face got serious. His voice came out low and threatening. “How did you get my address, psycho?”

“I’m not a psycho, Leo. And I’m not a stalker. My dad has used the same password his entire life. It wasn’t hard to check your student file at Northern.”

Okay. That sounded very stalker-ish. Leo just shook his head and looked me over.

“You look like hell. A beard does not suit you.”

I ran a hand over my jaw. “I seem to lack the motivation to shave lately. Please, Leo. Can you just tell me where she’s staying?”

“Fuck. No.”

“I’d wager a guess that she misses me just as much as I miss her.”

He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the door frame. So much for being invited in out of the cold. “I won’t deny that. But besides the fact that she would
castrate
me for telling you where she’s staying, why the hell would I help you? You deserted her at a time when she could not have needed you more.” Then he straightened to his full height and drilled a hard finger into my chest. “She needed
you.
Not me, not anyone else. The only person she needed after what she went through was you, dickhead. And you weren’t
there.
”

Every harshly spoken word out of his mouth was a perfectly placed bullet. By the time he was done, I felt like I would bleed out from injuries to my heart and my head and my gut. Each sharp tip drew the maximum amount of blood from me, just like he’d intended it.

“You’re right.”

That stunned him. My admission of guilt. Leo blinked a few times and then narrowed his eyes at me. “I am?”

“All I’ve had is time the last month, Leo. I can only work so many hours in the day to distract myself from the fact that when she walked out that door, she ripped my goddamn heart out and hasn’t returned it yet. Have you ever tried to live without your heart?” My voice cracked and I thumped a hand over my chest. “You can’t. You can’t live without it. She’s got it. So yes, I know how horribly I fucked up. But I can’t atone for my sins when I’m away from her. I just need one chance to talk to her.”

Leo shook his head, staring over my shoulder. “You’re both fucking psychos when it comes to each other.”

“Please, Leo.”

He groaned, tilting his chin up. “How am I supposed to say no to this, God? Can you hear me? All I wanted was a peaceful Christmas break where I could screw my girlfriend every day if I wanted to. And this is what I get. Crazy ass, homeless-looking, psycho professor showing up on my doorstep.”

“Is that a yes?” I asked flatly.

“So help me,” he said, leveling a finger at me again, “if she kills me because I’m telling you this, then you better find some magic juju shit to bring me back to life.”

“
Anything
,” I replied and abso-fucking-lutely meant it.

“Fine. New Year’s Eve. We’re going to that bar you two met at.” Then he held up his hands. “Which I thought was a fucking terrible idea, but I think she’s mildly sadomasochistic and wants to punish herself. “

“New Year’s Eve? That’s
days
from now.”

“Do you
want
me to beat the shit out of you on my front porch?” he asked in a deadly voice. “You’re not my professor any more either. And one favor is all you get from me right now after what you did to my best friend.”

I stepped back. “Okay. Sorry. I just … I’m really desperate to see her.”

“We’re getting there at nine.” He started to shut the door.

“Thank you, Leo.” I hoped he could tell how much I meant that. I didn’t care if I owed him the world’s biggest favor after this. But he ignored me. Muttering something about crazy people as he shut the door in my face.

But I didn’t care. I had five agonizing days to figure out exactly what I was going to say to her.

T
he room smelled the same
, even looked the same. I swore, if I closed my eyes I could visualize the exact moment Nathan and I had bumped into one another in this spot, more than a year ago.

But I wasn’t entertaining anything that caused me to slip further into my shell. Leaving Nathan wasn’t getting one fucking iota easier. If anything, I was finding it easier to numb myself to everything around me, lest I feel too deeply again.

When I first broached the idea of spending our New Year’s Eve at the bar, Leo had raised an eyebrow.

“Really? Isn’t that where you first met … him?” he’d asked.

“You mean Nathan, right? He’s not Voldemort. You can say his name.” I’d fiddled with my phone as I thought up an explanation. “Yeah, yeah, Nathan. Yes. We bumped into each other there and then took off. So what? It’s the best place for beers on New Year’s.”

Leo hadn’t seemed convinced, but I’d talked him into it with the promise of being his designated driver, allowing him and Scarlet a chance to let me fully embrace my sober, third-wheel status.

Now, thirty minutes into the New Year celebration, I was ready to either take a shot or go back to Scarlet’s house and put on the
Golden Girls,
such had become my existence in the weeks since I left Nathan’s.

I thought of him all the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. What was he doing? Had he moved on? Set his eyes on another student?

Shaking my head, I told myself to knock it the fuck off. I knew I was the first student Nathan had ever messed around with, and he had done it only because he hadn’t known that I was his student. As tempting as Nathan was, he wasn’t someone who jumped into bed with the first woman that spread their legs for him.

But I was haunted by thoughts of him. With nothing to fill my days except for reading all the books I’d missed out on in the last year, I couldn’t stop the barrage of Nathan images. I imagined him in his study, late at night, his glasses sliding down the line of his nose as he pored over his notes. His dark hair mussed, his shirt undone just the first two buttons. Damn it, I wanted nothing more than to just watch him, to take him in quietly, to pretend that we were okay.

“You okay?” Leo asked and I looked at him with confusion until he gestured to the hand I held against my chest. I looked like I was about to say the Pledge of Allegiance or something, so I dropped it, letting the ache go un-soothed.

“I’m good.” I picked up my Coke and sipped it noisily as I scanned over the sheer number of people packed tightly in the room. “The music blows, though.”

“Go request a song.” Leo angled his head back to the DJ, who looked about as excited as I felt.

“Nah.” I spun my straw around the cup. “It’s not like I’m up for dancing anyway.”

Scarlet, who was four girly drinks in, leaned over sloppily, bumping into me. “We could dance?”

“Oh, no, Twinkletoes. I remember the last time we attempted it. I don’t think my toenails have forgiven me for the atrocities you committed against them.”

Scarlet merely blinked at me, like I’d just spoken another language. She was probably the smartest person I knew—smarter than Nathan, even—but when she drank, her brain reverted to that of a typical high schooler’s. I figured it was caused by the lack of partying she’d done until she met Leo.

“Never mind,” I said with a wave. “Just drink some more.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Why aren’t you drinking?”

“Because I’m driving your drunk ass.” I sighed and set my Coke down before settling more fully in the wooden bar stool. My phone lit up on the bar counter and I picked it up.

For the second time in as many weeks, Elias was texting me.

Jeez, he was a pushy bastard. After the last time he texted me, I ignored it. But I didn’t delete it entirely. I felt like I was betraying Nathan just with Elias having my number. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I didn’t
want
to drink with Elias. I wanted to drink with, kiss, fuck, love Nathan.

But I needed to get Elias off my back, so I shot him a quick text.
Maybe next week. I’ve been busy.

He didn’t reply to that one and as I scrolled through my other texts, I came across the last one Nathan had sent me.

I couldn’t help it; I traced the letters like I could reach through the phone and touch him. I wanted that, more than anything. Just to feel his skin under my fingertips, his lips on mine. The mere thought made my legs tremble and I was thankful I wasn’t standing.

Leo came back from his spot at the other end of the bar, the only place the bartenders seemed to be taking drink orders and handed me another Coke. “Thanks, Adele.” He wrapped an arm around Scarlet, whose eyes were closed as she shimmied in her seat to the beat of some early two-thousands boy band song. “Scarlet and I usually take turns being designated drivers for the other, so it’s nice that we both can get hammered tonight.”

I reached forward and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Anything to get you laid, buddy.”

He smiled, the very smile that had caused many a woman to drop her panties for him. “I don’t need to get her hammered to have sex with her.”

My lip curled in disgust. “Listen. I’m happy you’re fucking like rabbits, but let’s just stop with the sex talk with,” I motioned a hand to Scarlet, “little miss Church Girl, okay?”

Leo scowled. “Damn, maybe you should drink a little tonight. You’re sour.”

“I’m drinking flat Coke and watching my best friend grind all over his girlfriend on a holiday that usually ends with two lovers kissing, and considering the fact that I’m currently lover-less, I’ve got a right to be a tiny bit sour.”

“There’s a lot of dudes here tonight—take your pick. I bet you could take any one of them home.”

Again, I curled my lip in disgust. “For one, my
home
is currently a trundle bed in the house of a preacher. And two, I don’t want some random hookup.”

“What about him?” Leo asked, ignoring me completely as he directed my attention across the bar to some guy with a mohawk that scraped the ceiling.

“He’d use up all my hair product.”

“Him?” Leo asked, pointing to a guy at the other end of the bar, who was watching every woman walk by him, expecting one of them to fall at his feet because he shouldn’t have to try—especially not with the four-thousand dollar watch he was wearing.

“Too smarmy. And old.”

“You like older dudes.”

I held up a finger. “I like one older dude.”

“Okay, picky. Him?” I followed Leo’s hand to a guy hanging back from the crowd, against the wall. Under his beret, his hair was in almost-dreads, with beads hanging off the ends. He wore a black velvet vest over a concert tee and drank what appeared to be an Old Fashioned.

“He’d fuck me, write poetry about me, and then move onto his next muse.”

“Well, at least he’d fuck you.”

I rolled my eyes at Leo. “And he’d probably steal my clothes.”

“You’re probably right.” Leo tipped his beer back and then made a noise in his throat as he brought the beer back down. “What about him?”

I looked again at the object of Leo’s attention, taking in the muscular guy who was showing off his skills by doing arm curls with a coed. His hair was buzzed close to his scalp and his muscles looked like they’d tear his skin each time he flexed.

“I’m starting to think the last however-many years of friendship between us is nothing.”

“What?”

“That guy?” I hooked a thumb at Hercules. “You think my greatest desire is to have my partner bench press me?”

Leo shrugged, leaning over to watch the guy as he curled the girl right up to his chest. “It
is
pretty impressive.”

“For five minutes, and then what? He’d probably get so distracted while having sex that he’d carry me around the house with one hand, just to prove he could.”

“True.” Leo laughed but then his eyes changed slightly, and I turned my body to see who he’d set his targets on then.

But instead of some lonely poet, or oily businessman, I saw
him
.

The breath in my chest held still and my hands went numb.

Nathan.

His eyes searched the crowd for a minute before he found me. His mouth wasn’t smiling, his eyes were firm, and he looked determined.

Holy fuck, determined Nathan was hot.

I turned back around to Leo, who clearly saw Nathan too. But his expression wasn’t of surprise and now that the feeling was coming back into my limbs, I realized Nathan hadn’t looked surprised to see me either.

“Leo,” I began, “what did you do?”

Leo wore guilt all over his face. “Hey. He came to my house.”

Holy shit. “When?” I looked over my shoulder, saw Nathan standing just inside the door. He wasn’t moving one way other another, but his gaze was firm, on me.

Sweet Jesus. Seeing him like this brought with it a flurry of emotions—from longing to love to sadness and then to lust. I swore I felt my pulse beat hard between my legs.

I looked back at Leo. “And you told him we’d be here?”

Leo finished his beer. Slowly, because he was an ass. “Don’t be pissed, okay? I’m sick of seeing you looking like someone told you Santa doesn’t exist. You want him, I know you do. Even if you’re hurt.”

I tried to process how I felt at seeing him. But everything was a jumble, making my hands shake and my legs bounce up and down on the bar stool. I peeked once more over my shoulder, and saw Nathan making his way to us.

I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. “Holy shit, Leo, holy shit holy shit holy shit.”

“Shit’s not holy,” Scarlet said as she leaned over and let her curls spill across the bar top. A drunken smile curved her lips. “God is.”

“This isn’t Sunday School, Scarlet,” I said nervously. The music pulsed in time to my heart beat. A war waged in my head, with my heart telling me to look and my brain telling my heart to shut the fuck up.

The heart won out and I looked over my shoulder again just as Nathan stepped close to us. He was there long enough for me to inhale that Goddamn cologne which caused my insides to melt. His eyes swept over my face, and down my body. It wasn’t an innocent look—it was a look that said, emphatically, MINE.

I trembled on my seat, nearly fell off of it from the smolder in his gaze. He stared down at me, but only paused a fraction of a second before he continued on.

Even as he settled at the bar fifteen feet away, he continued to stare at me. When he licked his lips before taking a sip of the drink the bartender set in front of him, I shivered.

It was like the mother fucking fourth of July in my panties.