Proof of Heaven (21 page)

L
ater back in her room, while Sean and Dr. Basu took Colm to the pier, Cathleen sat at the desk gazing at the scribbled address on a faded piece of notebook paper. It was her only evidence of Pierce's earthly existence besides her son. She could imagine him in his apartment writing down his new address and sending it to her. He sent her a letter just a few months after Colm was born. It was the last time she ever heard from him. He wrote to tell her he was settled in L.A., that he was doing what he set out to do, write and create music, and that he was happy, and hoped the same for her. He never asked about the baby—never asked about her. At first she was too proud. She never wanted to admit that she needed him, that she needed him more than anything in the world. She would never have admitted it. And certainly not in a letter. Instead, as Colm got older and went to school, she sent only brief update letters along with photos and homework and special drawings. All of it was sent back unopened.

What if he wasn't even here? What if he had moved on?
For all she knew he was still busking on the streets of New York.
He could be anywhere,
she thought.
How stupid could I have been?
All this time she had been so worried about herself, so worried about her own heart being broken by her son, that she hadn't spent enough time thinking that it was Colm's heart she should have been worried about. If Pierce was still at the address, he would get the surprise of his life, she thought. And if he wasn't, she didn't know what she would do with Colm. He would never forgive her for taking him all this way without knowing if his father existed at all.

Meanwhile at the pier, Colm and Dr. Basu stepped onto the Ferris wheel while Sean ran to get them all hot dogs and sodas.

“Are you OK, Dr. Basu?” Colm asked. Dr. Basu looked afraid to be on the ride.

“Yes, nothing frightens me, son,” Dr. Basu said as they were pulled back to circle the wheel.

As they moved higher, Colm asked one of the things he always wanted to know. “Dr. Basu, why do you call me son?”

“Oh, I don't even think about it. In India, older folks call all children their sons or daughters; and all children call the adults aunt or uncle.”

“Why?”

“Because, I suppose, they think of everyone as family.”

“Are you my family, Dr. Basu?”

“Would you like me to be?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then, yes, I am your family.”

“My mother loves you, Dr. Basu.”

“She does? How do you know such a thing?” Dr. Basu looked at him, surprised.

“Because sons know what their mamas love. They know it better than anyone.”

The wheel turned faster, sending them soaring over the crest and down again and again as the wind whipped through Colm's wild hair, making him feel light and free. He lifted his arms from the bar and closed his eyes. Instinctively, Dr. Basu grabbed him out of fear that his small body would slip and fall out of the seat. An overwhelming sense of terror swelled within Dr. Basu, and for the first time on the ride, he realized there would be nothing left for him without Colm. He had not realized how much he had grown to love the boy. How great the love truly was. He could not, he thought, remember a time that Dhruv did not exist, even if he thought he was only a star in the sky now.
Hadn't he been there the entire time?
He could not conceive of a moment when Colm would not exist—and the pain that rose up in him when he realized the time was coming soon when he would be alone again without either boy was almost too much to bear. Fear consumed him entirely, and he held tighter still to the boy, as if squeezing him would somehow prevent him from slipping away. He could not lose this son too, he thought.
What would the universe do with one more star? Didn't it have enough?
He knew his reasoning sounded foolish and illogical, but while the boy whooped and hollered, enjoying the thrill of the ride, Dr. Basu silently, and at first without his own recognition, began to pray a mantra he had not heard since he'd left India. There he had heard it often, the most common of all his own Niranjana's mantras, and like Cathleen's Hail Marys that came to her without thinking, before even fully waking, he said it aloud as he had said it long, long ago.

Asato maa sadgamaya

Tamaso maa jyotirgamaya

Mriyor maa amritan gamaya

Om shaanti shaanti shaanti

 

From the unreal,

lead us to the Real;

from darkness,

lead us unto Light;

from death, lead us to Immortality.

Om peace, peace, peace

 

Colm, Colm, Colm, please do not take my Colm.

From the ground, Sean, coming back with an armload of food from the concession stand, looked up and saw Dr. Basu gripping the boy with his eyes closed. Sean laughed, thinking Dr. Basu must have been afraid, after all, of something—
he must be terrified
. What Sean didn't know, couldn't know was that Dr. Basu's terror and grief were transforming him. With each revolution of the spinning wheel, the steel trap secured tightly around his heart unsnapped. For the first time in a long time, instead of his brain sending messages to his heart, Dr. Basu felt a strange and powerful reverse force as if his heart were beating furiously, rapidly, sending message after message to his brain—messages that had been locked in time, trapped somewhere deep within. At last there was interconnectivity. His heart and brain were functioning together, no longer moving and circulating as separate entities. All this time he had been explaining it to his patients, to Cathleen, to Sean, to Colm:
The heart and brain are interdependent. They cannot exist without each other.
Suddenly he remembered something he believed his brain had not let his heart believe since that awful day.
Someone, far away, someone high above him loved him. Loved him enough to send him a son like Dhruv and another like Colm. Someone loved him enough to recognize this love and give him this mantra, this prayer that would sustain him.
And he said it rapidly, as quickly as he could again and again, until he felt the wheel slowing and could hear Sean's voice. “Hang in there, Dr. Basu, It's almost over!”

Then Sean spotted Colm. He looked to him like he was at home at the edge of the earth, just ready to take flight, while Dr. Basu was clinging to him for dear life.

“Poor bastard,” Sean said as he laughed. “Hang on! Just hang on, my man! You've made it, buddy! You did it! Good for you!” Sean encouraged as the ride came to a halt.

B
efore breakfast, Cathleen stood in front of the hotel mirror for a long time, changing her part from left to right. She couldn't remember how she wore it and how Pierce would remember her. She examined the fine lines around her eyes, and the ones between her brows from constant furrowing. She stood back taking all of herself in—and admiring the white sundress she had bought for her trip to Italy. She slipped on the pink sweater, turned to the side, then all the way around, taking in a view of her backside and smoothing out the skirt. She did not feel beautiful. She did not feel as she had in Italy. For some reason, everything felt more real here. Every line appeared larger, every curve more pronounced.

“It's hopeless,” she said and turned away from the mirror.

Just then Colm stepped out of the bathroom. He had bathed all on his own, and his hair was still wet and shiny. He had parted it carefully with a comb. She imagined he had taken great pains to do such a fine job with his usually long, mangled mess. He wasn't wearing his hat. He had put on his good slacks that she'd packed for him and the button-down shirt that she hadn't even been able to get him to wear to church. He had dressed to impress.
Like mother, like son,
she thought. She wanted to run to him and make a fuss. She wanted to tell him how handsome she thought he looked, but she knew it would only embarrass and upset him.

“Let's go get the guys.”

“Are you excited, Mama?”

“Yes, honey, I am. I'm excited
for you
.”

“I have been waiting for this moment my entire life!” Colm shouted.

Cathleen felt the pang rise inside her. She'd had no idea.
I should have known better.

At breakfast, Colm could barely eat, he was so excited. He tapped his foot and fidgeted in his chair. When Cathleen ordered her second cup of coffee, he lost it.

“Really? Can't we just hurry up and go already?”

Sean, Dr. Basu, and Cathleen looked at Colm. He was at the edge of his seat.

“OK. I'll get the check and we can go,” Dr. Basu said. “No use making the boy suffer any longer.”

“Thank you, Dr. Basu. Thank you! At least someone understands,” Colm said, crossing his arms. He didn't want to throw a tantrum, but he couldn't help it. He was so anxious. He couldn't control what he was feeling.

D
r. Basu brought the car around to pick up Cathleen, Sean, and Colm. Cathleen handed Dr. Basu the address from the faded paper, and he typed it into the GPS.

2000 E. Observatory

“We're all set,” Dr. Basu said to Colm.

Dr. Basu listened to the directions and turned accordingly. Despite his mother's protests, Colm unbuckled his seatbelt prematurely and leaned over the front seat, listening with bated breath and watching the red line of the car on the map. They ascended a tall hill, which had signs along the way for Griffith Observatory, and he could tell they were getting close—the road on the map was about to disappear.

“It looks like we're almost there,” Colm said in disbelief. His heart was racing. His palms, oddly, began to sweat. He couldn't remember ever sweating, ever.

“Maybe it's wrong, hon. Maybe there are roads that shoot off by the observatory—maybe he lives up in these hills. Now sit back and put your seatbelt back on. The car's still running,” Cathleen said.

“This isn't right. This can't be it,” Colm said. “Mama? Did you write down the right address?”

“I didn't write anything down. This is the letter your father sent me.” Cathleen imagined a number of scenarios.
Maybe he works here?

As they crested the hill and could see the observatory in the distance, the GPS announced their arrival.

Dr. Basu pulled out his phone and handed it to Sean to double-check the address.

“Says here that the actual observatory address is
2800 E
. There is no known person living at
2000 E.
in reverse lookup,” Sean announced, shaking his head.

“There must be some mistake,” Colm said. “This can't be it. This can't be it. LIAR! Liar!” Colm screamed out again. “He's a big, fat, phony liar!”

“Colm, I am so sorry. You're right. It's just the wrong address. He probably wrote it down wrong.”

“No, he didn't, Mama. You're holding his letter. The one he wrote. He knew his address. He lied to us.
He lied
to me
.”

Sean sat stunned himself. He couldn't believe Pierce had been even more of a jerk than he was already. “None of this makes any sense.”

“Maybe he worked here. How should I know?” Cathleen said again.

“At the observatory? I thought he played the guitar?” Colm said back.

“Maybe he couldn't get a job as a musician, and he got a job as a janitor or in one of the exhibits,” said Dr. Basu, offering his own rationalization.

As Cathleen went through the scenarios again, Colm began to shake and stutter from all the excitement and agitation. “This can't be it. We c-c-c-came all this way. All this way, and he, he, he . . . he . . . he is not . . . even . . . here.”

As they continued driving slowly, the Griffith Observatory loomed atop the hill that overlooked the entirety of L.A. As Cathleen studied the maps on her lap, looking for some logical explanation for it all, Colm jumped out of the car while it was still moving. He fell at first, but got up, steadied himself, and tried to run. Cathleen jumped out too and ran after him.

Colm began to shout, running awkwardly up toward the observatory, his arms windmilling as he had done trying to gain air to jump into the pool. He was screaming loudly, “NO! NO! NO!” It was a low moan punctuated by sobbing.

“Where is he, Mama? Where is my father? I don't understand any of it, Mama. Why?” He continued to run away from her.

Cathleen chased after him, trying to assuage him, but nothing came out of her mouth. The pain in her heart, watching her son's suffering, seemed more than she could bear. If she could have taken it all away, she would have. So much in this life defied explanation, she thought.

“I don't know, baby. I don't know if we'll ever know. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault,” she said, still chasing after him as he moved closer to the edge of the hill. Behind her Dr. Basu and Sean were also running up the hill, trying to get to them both.

Colm tried to think of all the reasons
why
—he thought at first it was because of him. Then he thought of his mother but dismissed those thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with us,
he finally concluded. He tried to remember a time when he hadn't dreamed about his father, the father who must love him and that he was so sure was waiting for him. “This was not what the friar said would happen,” he said aloud. Nothing was happening as he had hoped. He tried to think of all the things Dr. Basu and Sean and his mother had told him.
You're special, Colm. I love you, Colm. I'm so proud of you, Colm. I'll be right here waiting.
He covered his ears and continued to shake his head back and forth, hearing all of it—all the things he had refused from the people who did love him, hoping instead to hear them from his father. They were right in front of him, waiting for him, loving him. He felt his body might rip open, and when it did, he was sure millions of pointed, hot, electric stars would explode and spill out all over the mountainside. The thought of all of that love split the universe in two, tore open the sky, and he finally realized what he had known deep inside the entire time:
We're doing fine without him.
There before him was his uncle Sean. He had been there before he was even born, already loving him and his mother, and already accepting him as his own. There was Dr. Basu who had come into his life so quickly. He hardly even knew Colm, but he had come to love him so easily.
I didn't have to prove a thing,
Colm thought. He just had to be him, Colm—the only Colm he knew how to be. Dr. Basu had loved him and protected him from the moment he met him. And he had protected his mama, too. No, Colm didn't need a father to protect his mama anymore, he thought. There they both were—two of the strongest, bravest men he had ever met, ready to catch her and hold her up. He loved them all so much. He wished he could tell them. He wished he could speak the words, but no words would come.

A small crowd had gathered around the spectacle playing out before them. Then everyone stopped talking and all anyone could hear were the sobs of a small child, and all anyone was looking at was the heaving of his body with each inhalation.

Until suddenly everything stopped.

Cathleen reached out to touch him, but before she could, he stopped moving. He looked back at Dr. Basu and Sean, who were now both standing beside his mother. He smiled at them when he saw them, knowing she would be well cared for, knowing she would be theirs for all time. They looked at Colm, not knowing what he would do next. But Colm nodded at them. He looked at all the people standing in front of the observatory, staring at him, looking for a show, hoping for a miracle. He wished he could give them all one, especially his mother.

But he knew.

He could feel the blood being pulled toward his feet, and he knew his broken heart wouldn't be able to continue beating much longer. It would only be a matter of seconds before it was all over, and this time, he somehow thought,
this must be it
. But he wanted to take a final look. Behind them was the City of Angels—and he laughed at the thought of it—all his mother ever did was talk of angels.
She had finally made it.
A small smile spread across his face as his body began to fall.

Images of beautiful cathedral windows bursting with light flashed before his eyes. Glorious works of art, fountains, stars, and planets floated in between the massive Arch, the Brooklyn Bridge, and the shiny, shimmering skyscrapers, while flocks of giant birds swooped in and spread out over the purple Rockies before landing on the shore of the crashing blue ocean where he stood atop the spinning, twinkling Ferris wheel. From above, Colm could see his uncle dancing his mother across the sky on a cloud and he could see Dr. Basu carrying a small boy the same way he had carried him up the streets of Assisi. Wanting to go to them, to be with them all one last time, Colm dove from the top of the Ferris wheel and splashed through the water. Below the mighty waves, he found his mother again wearing her white dress and pink sweater, swimming toward him, coming for him. Her mouth was open and she was screaming his name. She was telling him to come back. But he turned and began to swim forcefully away from her. A powerful tide pulled him away, and he could not resist its force and might. He emerged atop the surface of the water and appeared before a sparkling, magnificent white light.

That's when he caught her eyes with his own as he fell. She reached for him, catching him midfall, and he landed across her lap as she tumbled to the ground. She held his head against her breast. She knew there was nothing left to say. No word, no gesture, would stop it all from unfolding, but she called out his name anyway, and it echoed through the entire valley below before a serene calm washed over her. For the first time, she saw what it was Colm so long proclaimed life after death would be like. It was, for her, the end of everything; a deep, dark, cold abyss, staring back at her. Her son, her only son, was gone.

Dr. Basu and Sean went to her and tried to take the boy from her arms and begin resuscitating him. Cathleen put her hand up and stopped them. She shook her head as each realization came to her. No. She had finally learned to let go, to let him be. No. She would not let him suffer anymore. No. She would not bring him back again so she,
she
could have her miracle. And though she never thought she could do it, she did. She chose her pain, her suffering over his. She closed her eyes and kissed him good-bye. At the moment her lips touched his forehead, it occurred to her like an explosion—a sudden spark that ignited everything. Her entire being warmed. She felt electric—radiating, she was sure, heat and light, and from that light she could see the permanent, heavy truth. Yes, the truth. All this time she spent searching, traveling the world in search of a miracle or an answer, and here he was, her miracle, her answer right in front of her. All she had to do was look.

He had loved her. She had loved him.

It was enough.