Proof of Heaven (20 page)

“You mean something was wrong with my dad?”

“I don't know, kid. What the hell do I know? I just know someone had to be pretty messed up to leave you or leave your mother. I know that for a fact.”

“Do you think he'll be happy to see me?”

“He'd be a fool not to. Now let's go. You worried your mother . . . again.”

“I always worry her.”

“She's a mom. That's what they do.”

“Well, I worry about her—and you. I just need to know she has you and you have her. You need each other.”

“Come on, now. She already has you. She doesn't need anyone else.”

“I just need to know you'll always take care of her. You won't take off on her—ever. Like that night in the hospital. No matter what she says.”

“I won't. I promise.”

“I am glad she has you, Uncle Sean.”

“Looks like she has another someone too,” Sean said, nodding toward the direction of the car.

“You mean, Dr. Basu?”

“Yeah. I think he likes her.”

“I think so too,” Colm agreed.

“OK. So nothing more to worry about, right? Ready to see the Rockies?”

“Yup.”

Colm wobbled beside his uncle, who wrapped his arm around the boy's waist to support him as he walked down the steps. Sean was dancing for Colm too, letting him know he wasn't going anywhere. For life.

They drove all day through Nebraska, down through Sterling headed toward Denver. By late afternoon they all saw what looked like a purple cloud formation off in the distance.

“I've never seen clouds like that,” Colm said.

“Those aren't clouds, Colm,” Dr. Basu said.

“Those are the Rocky Mountains,” Sean added.

“You've got to be kidding me,” Colm said. “They're beautiful!”

“I know. I have always, always wanted to see them myself,” Sean said. “In the morning, we'll be right in the middle of them.”

The white caps of the mountain peaks took on the color of pink and lavender in the morning sun. As much as Colm wanted to just get on the road, he knew his uncle was right. He didn't want to miss climbing Mt. Evans for anything in the world. Mt. Evans was one of the few fourteeners in the United States accessible by car—so people like Colm, who couldn't otherwise ever climb or reach the summit from its base camp, could. It was also on their way west. But when they got to Echo Lake to turn onto Mount Evans Highway, they found the road closed.

“I guess there's still too much snow up on the mountain. It looks like it opens up in summer after Memorial Day,” Cathleen said after reading the sign and getting out her guidebook.

“Shit,” Sean said.

“We can always come back someday,” Cathleen assured Sean.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Let's look for an observation pull-off somewhere, Sean. We're almost eleven thousand feet up—that's still two miles higher than New York City. Come on, don't get upset,” Cathleen said as she tried to assuage him.

Colm felt bad for his uncle. He knew he really wanted to reach the summit of a mountain. He seemed to be trying to reach the mountaintop his entire life, only to find a roadblock at every turn.

As Sean threw the car in reverse to turn around, he barked, “Story of my damn life.”

Colm heard him, touched his shoulder gently, and said nothing. He understood his uncle's disappointment all too well. When Sean felt Colm's hand on his shoulder, he thought of the boy—and the boy's own disappointments—and he couldn't help but stop feeling sorry for himself.

“Sorry about that, guys. It's really no big deal. We'll come back someday together, Colm, when you're older and we can climb the whole damn thing. Sound like a plan?”

“That sounds awesome, Uncle Sean. Maybe even my dad can come too!”

Sean closed his eyes and bit back what he wanted so badly to say. He had learned his lesson, so many lessons, from Colm.

“That would be great, Colm. Just great.”

Colm smiled and looked out over all the mountain peaks that jutted into the sky like tyrannosaurus teeth. Deep down he knew he would never make it back with his uncle, but it brought him joy to think that someday even without him there, his mother, his father, Dr. Basu, and his uncle would climb them. And as he thought of this he smiled. Because in just a few days he would finally see him, his father. His very own mountaintop.
He. Couldn't. Wait.

F
or the next two days, they drove through barren desert toward the dry, hot West. It seemed to Colm like they had left the planet Earth. He had never seen topography like this. As they drove through Nevada, Colm pretended to be on Mars.

“Mission Control, Mission Control. I see Martians. Yes, Martians. I need backup. Lasers and all your forces,” Colm said in a deep voice, as he tried to create static sound effects by forcing the back of his tongue up against the roof of his mouth, “
Khhkhhhkhhhh,
I am losing you, Mission Control. I am losing contact!”

“Mission Control, here. We're sending in the Giant Robotron-Superhero-Special Forces,” Sean said. “Be ready for battle. Man your weapons!”

“The Martians—they have attacked. We have been defeated! Our forces are destroyed! Mission Control: We are Martians now!” Colm shouted.

When Colm didn't want to be an astronaut anymore, but a Martian, Sean fashioned foil antennas out of the leftover wrappers from their burritos. They sat in the backseat with their Martian headgear and busied themselves for hours in Colm's imaginary world and watched as the world flew by them in streaks of red, orange, and brown. Occasionally, Colm would leave his uncle on Mars and cross his eyes, while staring out the window. He liked to watch the colors swirl and the world shift and change before him.

When Colm and Sean weren't on the United States of Mars, Cathleen and Sean were at each other's throats, yelling about when to stop, where to eat, and how long to stay. Dr. Basu and Colm often looked at each other, rolling their eyes, exasperated by them both.

“Would you two just stop it?” Colm shouted.

“Why can't you two just get along? Don't you see how stupid it is to fight? Try to have a little fun, Mama. Uncle Sean, try to be nice.”

Dr. Basu smiled and winked at the boy every time he came to their rescue and saved them from each other time and time again.

By the evening of their fifth day on the road, Dr. Basu pulled into a roadside motel that he could tell had a pool. “I think we could all use a break. Maybe a swim, no?” Dr. Basu asked.

“Yes!” Colm shouted out. “I'd love to go swimming!”

“Yes, it's awfully hot. A dip in a pool would be nice,” Cathleen agreed. “Are you sure you feel up to it, Colm?”

“Yes!” Colm shouted. He couldn't wait to get out of the car.

Cathleen smiled and thought quietly,
It's a sign. He's getting better.

Dr. Basu checked them all in and gave them their keys and told them to go and change. “OK. We'll see who can get changed and get in the pool first,” Dr. Basu said, laughing.

“I'll race you, Dr. Basu,” Colm said. Colm and his mother ran to their room. “Come on, Mama! Hurry, hurry. I don't want Dr. Basu and Sean to win.”

“OK, OK.” Cathleen stepped into the bathroom. “I'll be out in a second. Your suit is in my bag. I packed a new pair of trunks for you I bought for this trip,” she yelled through the door.

Colm looked in his mother's bag and found a pair of navy blue trunks with white stars all over them. “Aw, Mama. I love them. They're sooo cool.”

“I'm glad. I knew you would like them, hon. Don't worry. I'll be right out.”

Colm pulled on his new trunks, threw on his T-shirt, and began bouncing outside his mother's door. “Let's go, let's go.” Colm always felt like he was waiting for his mother to just move on and go already.

W
hen Cathleen and Colm emerged from their room and made it to the pool, Sean and Dr. Basu were already swimming. Colm was annoyed and looked at his mother.

“They beat us here 'cause it took so long for you to get ready,” Colm said petulantly.

“Come on in, Cate, the water is great!” Sean said, splashing the water up at her.

“Sean, so help me God. If you splash me, I'm leaving.”

“Come on, Sis. Have a little fun, will ya?”

Dr. Basu couldn't take his eyes off her. She had let her hair down, and he remembered the last time he had seen it down, on their night in Italy. They all looked on as Cathleen took off her cover-up. Colm thought her body had turned blue, but Sean and Dr. Basu knew it was only taking on the color of the pool below her. To Colm, though, she seemed to be glowing. The tiny sparkles on her white bathing suit caught the light from overhead and made her entire middle shimmer. Colm loved to see her shiny black hair loose and flowing down around her bare white shoulders. She was, as she had always been, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Dr. Basu, if he could have heard Colm's thoughts, would have agreed.

“Beautiful,” Dr. Basu said quietly, not realizing he said the word aloud. But Sean heard him and splashed him hard, startling him.

“Simmer down there, Pops. That's my sister you're looking at.”

Dr. Basu, embarrassed, dropped down through the water. When he came up, several inches from Sean, he looked up again at the pool deck and saw Cathleen and Colm.

“I'll race you to the pool,” Cathleen said playfully to Colm as he pulled off his T-shirt.

Cathleen almost gasped. Under the harsh light, Colm's ribs appeared as though they were protruding, and his stomach was bulging. Dr. Basu and Sean looked at each other. They were both horrified. Colm looked transparent, as if they could see through him, or he would, at any moment, disappear before their eyes.

“Colm, are you up for this?” She looked concerned.

“You all right, Bud?” Sean asked, concerned now too.

“You bet,” he said, taking off and running awkwardly for the pool.

Cathleen, always surprised by his energy and playfulness no matter how ill, chased him.

Colm ran toward the edge of the pool. He launched himself into the air wildly and with the complete abandon only a child could have. His arms made large circles as he tried to keep his momentum going in the air while his legs moved quickly below him. From behind, he seemed to be walking on water.

Suddenly, his body disappeared into the pool. Cathleen stopped at the edge, afraid to jump in as quickly as Colm. As much as she wanted to be that kind of person, the type to just let go and jump, she could not do it. She could not go in without testing the water first. As she dipped her foot in and looked down at Colm swimming up toward the surface, his hair spread out around him like a golden halo, he seemed to her, despite his ghostly appearance, more alive than ever before. And just for a moment, she stopped worrying and thought that perhaps the miracle had worked.
Yes, the miracle took.
It would be impossible for her to lose him now. That knowledge made her feel light and ready to break free. She bounced slightly on the balls of her feet and dove in over Colm's body, hardly making a splash or sound, slipping into the silence of the water.

When she rose to the surface, Colm was waiting for her, making a ring with his arms to catch her and hold on to her so he could ride along her back. She pulled him, swimming slowly and softly with the gentle force of her undulating body. Like a mama dolphin and baby move through the ocean, Cathleen and Colm moved as one. When Cathleen finally submerged her face in the water and dove downward, Colm held on tight, following her under. Once they were deep under the water's surface, he let her go. From far below her, he looked as she swam away from him toward Sean and Dr. Basu, eventually heading for the surface before making her final breakthrough. Below, Colm moved his arms to tread, feeling weightless and free, no longer dependent on his failing legs, and looked up at his mother and the two men splashing and playing together in the distance. And Colm knew.

She's going to be just fine
.

While Cathleen, Sean, and Dr. Basu, exhausted from the long day and the swim, slept, Colm sat on the balcony of the motel. He could not rest. He was in agony. If he had been able to, he would have driven himself right then and there to Los Angeles. He could barely contain his excitement. He stood all night looking up at the night sky and out to the west—out toward L.A. Tomorrow he would be there. He would finally meet his father. He felt if his body could, it would burst. And when it did—he would shine.

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,

But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,

And filter and fibre your blood.

 

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

Missing me one place search another,

I stop somewhere waiting for you.

—Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself,”
Leaves of Grass

M
ama, do you have it? Do you have the letter with the address?” Colm shouted from the backseat as the Los Angeles skyline came into view.

“Yes, Colm, I have it. I have it right here. When we get to the hotel, we'll put it in Dr. Basu's GPS.”

“Can't we just go? Why don't we just go there first?”

“No! Colm! We talked about this. We all need to rest, shower, and clean up. I am not going to pull up to the doorstep of your father's house, my ex's, dressed like this . . . looking like this. I haven't seen him in years.”

“So? Who cares?”

“I care, Colm. I care. That's enough,” Cathleen said.

“Hey, Colm, just drop it, OK,” Sean added. “Leave your poor mother alone. She came all this way for you. Your mom wants to look nice and get herself together. Let's just enjoy the evening, OK? Speaking of which, what's on the agenda, Gaspar?”

“No agenda. I booked us rooms on the beach in Santa Monica. I thought we could see the ocean and spend the evening relaxing.”

“Santa Monica? Isn't that St. Augustine's mother?” Sean asked Cathleen.

“Yes. She prayed for her son's conversion,” Cathleen answered flatly.

Colm did not understand what his mother meant.

“Where is Santa Monica, Dr. Basu?” Colm asked anxiously. “Is it far from L.A.? Will it take forever to get there?”

“No, Dove. We'll be there soon. We made it across the United States in six days, we can get to the Loews at Santa Monica soon enough.”

When they finally arrived in front of the hotel, Cathleen looked at the entrance and swore. “You have got to be kidding me, Gaspar?”

“Excuse me?” Gaspar asked.

“Look at this place! What are you thinking? We can't afford this,” Cathleen said, shaking her head back and forth.

“I wanted to do something special. It's my gift to you. You deserve it, Cathleen.”

Sean shook his head. Dr. Basu was trying so hard to impress her, and all he had to do was show up. This was his sister, Cathleen, Dr. Basu was dealing with. She hadn't been on a date in more than seven years, let alone received a child support check, and she still carried a torch for the deadbeat, he thought. Dr. Basu looked like a goddamn hero in comparison. He didn't need to do any of this, he thought.

“Gaspar, you're doing way too much,” Sean said. “Take it easy. You don't have to impress her anymore; she's crazy about you.”

“It's okay, Sean. I'm happy to do it—for all of you.”

Cathleen could not believe her eyes. It was one of the most beautiful hotels she had ever seen. Dr. Basu took her bag and let her walk through the giant glass atrium lined with palm trees that reached up to the sky like giant cathedral arches framing the view of the Pacific. Cathleen walked through them with her head held high—the way Dr. Basu remembered her in Italy. Together they went through the atrium doors and walked out toward the beach. The palm trees spread out over the sand, and the Pacific Ocean crashed loudly along the shore. Colm looked down the beach and could see the Santa Monica Pier—the Ferris wheel, the bright lights twinkling in the distance.

Sean looked at Dr. Basu and nodded in appreciation. “Ya done real good, Doc.”

Cathleen stood speechless. She felt the warm breeze against her cheeks, the wind in her hair. She could not help but think of it, even though she was here with Gaspar and she had come to love him, she could not help but remember the night with Pierce at the shore, the night they had walked together along the beach. She closed her eyes, trying to remember it all—his auburn boy-cut hair, his deep blue eyes, and fair skin that was burnt red by the summer sun.

“Pierce?”

“Yes, babe.”

“I have something to tell you.”

“What?”

“I am going to have a baby.”

She could not see his face. He was walking in front of her, and he didn't stop. She should have known then. She was never able to do it—just let go and be. She wished she had had the strength then to turn around, to forget him right then and there—to have been the one to leave him first. But she chased after him, pulling on his arm.

“Well, what do you think, Pierce?”

“I guess what I think doesn't matter a whole lot now, does it?” He pulled his arm from hers and walked quickly away.

Cathleen felt her heart plummet, diving and lodging itself deep within her womb, her broken heart taking up residence in her growing son. She would forever feel guilty. Forever blame herself.

“You'll make a wonderful father,” Cathleen called out. “You can teach him how to play the guitar and sing. You would be so wonderful! I just know it!” She chased after him.

“I'll be home later. Don't wait up for me.”

“You're leaving me here? Alone? Pierce, come back!”

“Here's a few dollars for the train.” He threw money at her feet.

“Are you kidding me? That's it? A few dollars for the train? You bastard. You bastard!”

“Oh, stop with the melodrama, Cate. I'm going for a drink. Go home, and I'll meet you later. We'll figure this out.”

“So
we'll
figure it out. That means you're not going to leave? You're in this for the long haul?”

“I'll see you at home, Cate.” Pierce looked at her flushed face with tears rolling down her cheeks, and he walked away, leaving her alone on the beach staring out into the blank and lonely sky.

“Mama? Mama? Mama? Is everything OK? Why are you crying? Mama?” Colm called out to Cathleen and brought her back to reality.

“Yes, Colm, what is it?” she said, walking toward him.

“Is everything all right? Aren't you happy?”

“This place is just so beautiful. The ocean, everything, all that we saw on our way out here. It's just overwhelming. All the beauty around us. That's all.”

“Mama?”

“Yes, Bud.”

“You look beautiful. I just thought you should know. No matter what you wear, Dad is going to love you. He's going to know how beautiful you are. I just thought you should know that.”

“Oh, Colm. Thank you. Come here.”

Colm came to her, and she held him. She took his face and looked him deep in the eyes. “I am so proud of you. You've never been afraid. Most children could not have done what you've done and be so brave. I need you to know that you can't break my heart. That it won't hurt me, if you need to go . . . be somewhere else, with someone else.”

“Mama, I'll always be with you. I just need to know . . . find out who my father is. I've always wanted to know him. I've just been missing him so much.”

“I know, babe. I know. I missed my father when I was a little girl, too.”

Colm looked at her and remembered his mother had had no father either. He had never made the connection that perhaps she had missed her father too, just as he did.

“What was it like for you, Mama?”

“I missed him. I imagined he was everywhere, looking at me and talking to me. He was a good friend to me when I was little. But sometimes I was angry with him because he wasn't there for me. Sometimes I was angry at God for taking him from me.”

“Mama, I feel the same way. Except for the God part. God doesn't have anything to do with it for me. But I'm like you, sometimes I pretend he's right here with us, but then sometimes I get mad 'cause he's not. He should be taking care of us.”

“Oh, baby. I know it's so hard. I wish I could make it better.”

“So you never got to see him again? You never got to see your father again? Didn't that make you sad?”

“I guess it always helped me to know that someday I'd see him again. Someday, maybe up in heaven, we would be together. I still believe that. I believe that when I die I'll get to see my mama and my father. It comforts me.”

“I'm glad you think that, Mama. I want you to be able to meet your father too, like I'm going to meet mine tomorrow.”

Cathleen closed her eyes and wished for her son to get his wish. She prayed deeply with her entire body:
Please God, please let Colm have this one wish. This one miracle.

“I know, honey. I know. It is very exciting. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you. You know you look just like him?”

“I do, Mama?”

“Exactly. Every time I look at you . . . I see him. I see your father.”

“Wow. Do you have a picture of him?”

“No, not with me. I'm sorry. When we go back to New York, I'll look for one.”

“But I won't need one, Mama. I'll see him tomorrow and we can take a new picture together—of all of us.”

“Won't that be nice?” Cathleen said, hoping that they would be able to.

“Mama, everything is going to be OK.”

“It will be. And whatever happens tomorrow, I need you not to worry about me. I know you do, and I want you to know that I have your crazy uncle and Gaspar. I don't want you thinking you have to take care of me anymore.”

“I know, Mama,” Colm said, surprised that his mother knew. Colm hugged his mother. He held her close, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I love you, Mama.”

“I love you, Colm Francis Magee.”

The two took off their shoes, and, holding hands, walked to the shore and let the water cover their feet, washing away all of the steps they took that led them to this place.

Dr. Basu and Sean stood back and watched mother and son admire the sunset, with their feet firmly planted in ground that was slowly ebbing away from them.