Private Message (18 page)

She gasps. "Oh my God, sweetie! What happened? Why didn't you call me sooner? What hospital? I am on my way. What happened?"

I tell her which hospital and what floor. "I'll explain everything when you get here OK, mom?"

She promises she'll be there in twenty minutes.

As I wait, I glance at my phone and see that Ben never tried to call or text me. After I spilled my heart and guts all over the floor for him about that night, he didn't say anything. Couldn't give me one good answer to as why he didn't stay to see if I was all right. Not one damn word. He just walked out the door...again.

Whatever. I knew it would happen. He got what he wanted and this was his perfect opportunity to get out. Picking an angst song on my iPod, I close my eyes and just breathe.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I open my eyes my mom is next to my bed just staring at me.
Yeah like that's not going to make my blood pressure spike!

"Jesus! Mom!" I scream. "What is wrong with you? You almost gave me a heart attack!"

She looks sad. "I am sorry, Tess. I was just thinking about when you were a little girl and you were having a pillow fight with your friends and you slipped on one, and fell face first into the wooden coffee table. Cracking your head right open and needing stitches."

I touch my forehead where the scar is still visible, even now. "Mom, I am sorry I didn't call you last night, I was just so tired from the stitches, blood transfusion, and being doped up on morphine."

"Blood transfusion? What the hell happened, Tess?" Oh, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, Miss. Blowing Things Out of Proportion is up to plate!
OK, maybe I get a little of that from her myself…

I sigh, take in a deep breath of air, and tell the story. I blame her for my clumsy gene. I leave out all of the Ben parts, though. It's not worth it to him, apparently, so I may as well forget all about it myself.

As I check out, I am told to set up an appointment with Dr. Mitchell in a week. Shit! So much for forgetting about Ben, huh?

I gather up my bag and put one arm through my jacket, seeing as I have a massive bandage/cast thing compassing most of my left hand. At the outpatient entrance, the nurse who was attending me last night approaches me.

"So, that guy that came to visit you last night, he was really hot. Like really hot." She's gushing in a not so professional manner but I indulge her.

"What about him?"

She smiles mischievously and hands me a small piece of paper. "Can you give him my number?"
What the…

"What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Are you trying to hook up with a guy that you don't even know and for all you do know, but don't seem care, that he just might be MY boyfriend?"

She eyes me, in my wheelchair. "Honestly, I think I am more his type." She turns and leaves.

Seriously? I look down at the paper with the number scribbled on there—in pink ink, nonetheless—gag—and consider shredding it up. But you know what, if I ever do see Ben again, why should I cock-block him? I'll give it to him
yeah shove it right up his ass…

At home, I call James. I know he would have visited me in the hospital, but he has a life and is busy with his new job, designing this new building in the city.

I tell him what happened.

"You should have called me, Tess," he says, "no matter what I was doing at the time, it's not as important as you will ever be. I mean it." He gushes, aww my big brother the softy, but I love him for that.

"Either way I am fine, I am home safe and sound."

He sighs with obvious relief and promises to see me tomorrow.

"I love you," he says, "have a good night and tell your mom I said hi."

I get out of the shower; my mom is still out getting food. I reach for my iPod when my phone buzzes.

"1 private message"

Shit. Chatz chat room. How the hell did I never log out? Still woozy from the meds, I open it without thinking.

Big_Ben:
I'm sorry.

This time I log out. Turn my phone off. I want a drink, but I know I can't because of the freaking meds. I'm feeling a little pissy now. I stomp to my music dock instead and crank up some Shinedown and start belting out my voice along with the lyrics about being worn out and that it's over.
Is it over?

Now if I could only open a tube of paint and really let loose...damn hand. My door opens and my mom walks in with food. "What are you doing? You're supposed to me resting and I find you in here moshing?"

"The music is calming me down."

"That loud? How can that be relaxing?"

I smile and shrug.

My mom knows me well enough to not get on me about listening to music. I return my butt to the couch
the same red couch that Ben had kissed me on. The same couch I felt something for him on.
As I eat, we chitchat about Mom's job at the bank and my schoolwork. Once we are finished eating, I can barely keep my eyes open, so my mom helps me to my bed and tucks me in. Yes, actually tucks me in. And you know what? It's really nice.

She kisses my forehead. "Get some sleep, sweetie. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I love you too, Mom, and thank you for everything."

I am awakened by a pounding on my front door. that or my pain meds wore off and I am dying.

"Tess Martin, I know you're in there, and you are a horrible best friend for not calling to inform YOUR best friend that you were hospitalized!" It's Erin.

I groan, roll my eyes, and slowly make my way to the front of my apartment. "I'm coming." I grumble.

"Hey you," I greet her as soon as she's inside, as innocent-sounding as possible.

"Don't you 'hey' me, Missy! Once I heard that some art geek was rushed to the ER for an accident, I knew it was you. Why didn't you tell me? Call or text me?"

Wait. "Art geek?"

She throws her hands up in the air. "Yeah, I overheard some of my business classmates talking, when I heard…their words not mine."

I tell her the story but leave out the Ben drama.

"Holy crap, girl! I am so sorry for even being upset. I was just so worried. I know we haven't been friends that long, but I think of you like a sister." Her admission warms my heart; I have always wanted a sister.

I sigh and lean in for a one-handed hug and kiss her on the cheek. "Thank you for worrying, and I love you too, Erin, you and your dirty mind." I finish with a wink. Then she brings up what I was really hoping she wouldn't bring up...

"So, did Ben come to see you in the hospital last night?" From her tone I can't tell if she knows something or not.

"Um…yeah."

She cocks her head to one side. "And? You sound leery on the topic. What happened?"

"Well, I don't think we will be seeing each other any longer." And as easy as it came out, it's not so easy to accept. I started to trust Ben; it was all feeling good. But knowing what I know now ...

She eyes me suspiciously. I have never had a great poker face. "There's something you're not telling me. I want to know what's got you so hush-hush. You may as well just tell me, before I torture it out of you."

"Can you accept the quick version?" She nods.

I tell her the story of the concert. The one three years ago.

"Ben was the one who saved me," I conclude. And with that statement, my head cleared. I no longer felt the static of an off-air TV channel, but rather the picture is coming in clear, digitally clear.
Ben saved me.

I gasp and throw my hands to my face, and start to sob. I let it all out. I laid some heavy stuff on him last night and he left. He didn't even feel the need to tell me his side of the story. I shouldn't have blown up at him the way I did, but I have never talked to anyone about what had happened that night. But what hurts the most is he didn't feel strong enough to talk about it, then or now. He chose to walk away a second time.

Erin, being the amazing friend she is, can read me like a book. "You should call him, Tess." She didn't say it like her normal, 'call him for some booty' kind of call. She looked soft around her edges, which was a different side to Erin. I was used to the ball-buster Erin.

As much as I would love to hear his voice right now, I just don't think I could bring myself to do it. I told him everything and he chose to, well, he didn't choose me. I'm just not worth it.

"No. I don't think that's a good idea, Erin."

And she leaves it at that.

"So how are things with Mark?" I change the topic.

"Well, he's at work a lot. I seem to only get the booty call at two a.m." She says with an eye roll.

It doesn't take a dummy to see that even though she is playing it off as nothing, it hurts. "I know you're a nympho and all, but I know you better than that Erin."

"Know what?"

I give her forehead a little smack with the palm of my hand, "That you really have feelings for the guy. You just need to tell him. Life's too short. And from what I saw the other night at Chatz you couldn't get enough of the guy. When he was talking, you leaned in and actually listened. Then, when I was leaving with Ben you were all over him. That's something."

"Maybe." She blushes.
Hey that's my bit…

"So, let him know how you feel." I say as-matter-of-factly.

Erin stares at me blankly. "Says the one who won't open up to Ben?"

"Hey! I told him how I felt."

"Yeah, but really Tess? He didn't know you then. He took the time and consideration to make sure his father saw you. To make sure you had the best care he knew possible."

Damn. I effed up.

I get Dave to cover for the rest of my week. I can't even imagine trying to make coffee and work a register with one hand. I'd just get hurt. Dave was pretty cool about it. He was insistent on coming over after work, but I wasn't in the mood. He then hissed out "One day you'll let me in."