Pride Over Pity (19 page)

Sadly, many members of my own family were not present in the flesh on my big day. My two cousins, Jen and Candy, unfortunately couldn’t make it. They were originally supposed to accompany me down the aisle, but due to unforeseen circumstances plans had to be changed. Carly and Kaylie and my Aunt Beth were present, though, and my mom’s best friend was there, too. It was important to me for her to be present. She was family.

The Camden Aquarium in New Jersey magically set the scene with its stunningly beautiful environment. The whirlwind of emotions and thoughts halted as I saw Javi waiting for me and beaming so brightly. My eyes darted and stuck to my little boy. I hadn’t seen him all day and the separation had brought up emotions I wasn’t prepared for. I felt such a strong tug at my heart. I loved him so much. Isaac’s tux was complete with a grey dress coat and purple vest. My little man looked dapper among the many groomsmen. He is my everything and will be forever. That’s why Isaac escorted me down the aisle to my husband.

His small hand engulfed in mine reminded me we were in this together. My eyes couldn’t contain the tears any longer. I was so, genuinely happy. Isaac couldn’t equate bawling and joy together, but his confusion subsided as we met Javi at the front of the ceremony. His hands met mine, warming up my cold nerves. Isaac joined us and held our hands. “You listen to her,” he said to us, referring to the Justice of the Peace. Javi and I grinned at how adorable, yet demanding he was. Although small in stature, Isaac’s presence was made up for in personality. His little comments here and there put an even wider smile on my face. Isaac stood by my side throughout the ceremony. It’s where he belonged because he is my heart and soul.

We ended the ceremony with our own personal touch. Javi, Isaac, and I each poured various colored sand into one container. As the colors mixed, our unity was symbolized. Together, we were now officially one. I didn’t see this day as a celebration solely for Javi and me. It was for all of us. Every few minutes I received a compliment on the venue and the food. I wanted the night to be enjoyable for everyone, not just myself. Through all the tribulations, the wedding had come together as a night to remember. I really felt like a land mermaid, surrounded by fish while reaping the perks of a human life.

I had Isaac by my side for the majority of the night. I had expected him to grow bored or maybe become a little sleepy, but he never got cranky, cried, or did anything negative. He was the definition of perfection. Javi was perfect too, of course.

“We should get married again,” Isaac’s excited voice reminded me of the beautiful future we would have together. “It was SO fun!”

“1,000 Years” by Christina Perri played over and over in my head as the image of Javi and me sharing our first dance together collided with the sound.

***

Even though everything had unfolded perfectly, I had worried there was a chance the night could go astray. During the planning and leading up to the ceremony I had one concern that I could not shake. Alcohol has way of turning a celebration into a disaster. Javi’s family and some of our friends like to drink socially, so I felt obliged to provide a cocktail hour and fully stocked bar. This was a party after all and I knew that I shouldn’t generalize my experiences and apply them to every guest. Hoping for some non-slurring company, I had tried to get my bridesmaids to promise me they wouldn’t drink, but none of them really made any blood oaths to abstain.

Isaac learning to swim

Javi and Isaac

Swimming with Isaac at a friend’s house in Dover, PA

Naturally I felt a little guarded, but to my complete surprise and relief not one single guest drank to the point where it upset me. I was able to enjoy dancing and speaking with the people who had chosen to drink. This was so important to me and I was genuinely pleased everyone held to my expectations.

I had assumed all drunk people transform into monsters of destruction. The uncontrollable stupidity of those who can’t walk a straight line disgusts me, but more than that it frightens me. What I have finally come to realize is that alcoholics are the extreme. I have a negative association with drinking and it is an unhealthy and extremely general way to think about it. I’ve changed though. I’ve learned. It’s okay to drink socially, in moderation, or to kick back and have a beer after a long day. It’s just about being responsible and not acting like a complete idiot. I was put in my place even more at my wedding, as a healthy middle ground was found by all. Out of all my wedding-related worries, I was shocked at how well this minor part had gone.

***

The celebration was over and after a few days the rush of pure joy was running a little thin. I wasn’t prepared for post-wedding blues. The high adrenaline and delight of the day naturally had to dwindle down, but I had no idea there was something other than that lurking in my head. The fact of the matter is my mother and father were not present at my wedding. Most people would be sad to hear that or to imagine being in a similar situation. At the time, I didn’t care. I had Isaac and Javi. What more could I ask for, right? I honestly had no idea that I had any feelings of regret.

At the next day of shooting, MTV asked me to do some pickups—a little self-reflecting on camera. This impressed upon me some feelings of wedding nostalgia and forced me to look inward. I had no choice but to let my head wander over the ugly fact that my parents were missing at one of the biggest days of my life. The more I did so, the more infuriated I became with my mother. I was pissed because I felt she had never pulled it together for me. Being a mother myself, I will never understand what could be more important than your child. Even though I do understand that addiction changes your perception of what’s important, the anger and hurt hasn’t disappeared as quickly as I would have liked. I hadn’t anticipated crying on camera because I hadn’t allowed myself to feel any emotion about the lack of blood-related family at the wedding.

It was my choice not to extend an invitation. I had decided I would rather not stick my neck out and put them in a position to let me down. I felt like neither of my parents had ever been around when I truly needed them. I thought giving them the opportunity to appear as if we had a normal relationship would have been a mistake on my part. My mom did call me as I was getting ready, but I didn’t answer. She probably wanted to come, but I wasn’t changing my decision. In that sense it must seem like I put myself in a position to be miserable and that I never gave her a chance. I just didn’t want her to appear like supermom during one of the most joyous and memorable moments of my life. Since I didn’t believe she had been there for me during all of the terrible times, why would I allow her to sneak back into my life now?

Dancing with Isaac at the wedding.

As for Raymond, I feel that he has been even less of a parent to me. My mom was more of dad to me than he ever was. I am at peace with my father not being there. He has never really been in my life, so I had no need to have him at my wedding.

Their absence didn’t go unnoticed. I was sure our family and friends were aware of the situation. Javi had even tried to convince me to change my mind. His argument was valid. I did only have one mother and this was my huge wedding day. I got that he was trying to help me avoid feeling regret down the road, but my pride intervened. I wanted to remain steadfast on my decision. Besides, Javi has a huge, loving family and their genuine support and love was the icing on the cake that day. I know they will always be there for me.

Chapter 26

Little Lincoln

“I’m gonna go into labor tonight,” I announced mid-football game.

The loud cheers dulled down in the freezing air as I held onto my stomach and read the expressions on everyone’s faces. Javi and our two new friends, Chris and Wendy, stared back blankly. How did I know? The frigid air may have been sending slight shivers down my spine, but there was another unsettling feeling lurking. It was the same feeling I had the night before I gave birth to Isaac. My baby would be arriving in this world soon.

I was sort of upset the pregnancy was almost over. The beauty of carrying a child had been overshadowed by all of the constant stress of the past few months. I felt like I hadn’t had time to make a connection with the baby because I had been so preoccupied with trying to balance too many things—the move, custody issues over Isaac, planning a wedding. The nine months had swept by without hesitation or warning and now the major anxiety of it all was crashing down on me.

At midnight the cramping began. The signs were all the same. I told Javi I was in labor, but he dismissed it. He knew how overly worried I could be so he said I should go to sleep. Three hours later, I woke Javi up. The cramps were so strong I could no longer sleep. This was it.

Javi called and left a message for my doctor. I had been freaking out over my doctor of choice being present for the birth, even though he had promised to be available for whenever I went into labor. As Javi called the standby MTV camera girl, I crossed my fingers that my doctor would arrive at the hospital shortly after us. Isaac was still sound asleep in his bed, so I was more than grateful Javi’s mother had been staying with us in case of this sort of emergency occurred. At four in the morning, Javi and I arrived at Kent General Hospital in Dover. We had gotten there just in time, as my contractions were now five minutes apart.

Since cameras weren’t allowed in the hospital, someone from the MTV crew handed Javi a flip camera and insisted he grab some footage. He filmed what we were comfortable with, which didn’t include the actual labor. It was very stretched out, two hours longer than Isaac’s fourteen-hour birth. Thankfully, I was nowhere near as irritable as I was then.

The scene in my hospital room was the complete opposite this time. It wasn’t overcrowded or noisy. Javi was my only support and he proved to be better than a boatload of people encouraging me to push. Javi sat by my side and did his best to calm me down. I didn’t yell once or become annoyed with him at all through the slow hours leading up to the delivery.

Even though I had looked into various options, I didn’t have a specific birth plan. I only wanted pain meds if I asked for them in the moment. Finally, the doctor (who thankfully had arrived without a hitch) told me I was ready to push. Javi’s face turned pale. He looked down for a moment and then back up at me.