Pride Over Pity (17 page)

Ultimately, there’s only one message that really matters: always practice safe sex. Use condoms. Use multiple forms of birth control. Wait to have sex. Why rush into something you’re probably not ready for? Sex is for adults. As much as sex is glorified in our culture through music and all forms of media, it’s not everything. I had to learn this the wrong way. I wish I hadn’t looked for love in the wrong places. I wish everything could be different. But wishing doesn’t get you anywhere.

Unfortunately, there are no second chances. The consequences of my mistakes were shown on television and my reactions, good and bad, were broadcast for the entire world to see and judge. Would I change anything? If there were second chances, of course I would alter certain aspects of the television experience and possibly the way I handled things. But I regret nothing. Life is all about learning. Since I can’t change the past, I’ll tightly grasp onto the lessons for the future.

Chapter 21

Chocolate Wasted

Jaeger bombs, margarita pitchers, random make-out partners, and flavored vodka are all typical twenty-first birthday party favors. Shots! Shots! Shots! I can already see the douchey Jersey fists pumping in the air. I guess I could have found a club to party and get hammered at. I could have made bad decisions with my friends, but I have a number of good reasons why I didn’t. I don’t have anything against drinking, just the repercussions of how the user deals with the substance. Can you blame me, though? I’ve seen what can happen when you’re addicted to alcohol. I am afraid the same addiction runs through my blood.

It was so nice to see Chelsea’s birthday celebration for her twenty-first. She looked happy on television and I’m glad MTV was able to capture a normal day in a teen mom’s life. I’m also relieved that, due to the fact that we weren’t signed on for another season at that point, they weren’t able to film my big milestone birthday. Actually there wasn’t much to see. I hung out in my pajamas all night at home. A little Ben and Jerry’s and old TV reruns were as thrilling as it got for me on the big two-one. I had a special birthday dinner but that was the extent of my wild night out.

Behind the scenes

It’s hard to say if circumstances had been different, would I have gone out and partied hard. Maybe a couple girly cocktails here and there but I highly doubt I would have gotten trashed and tried to dance on the bar
Coyote Ugly
style. I’m more of a homebody. As a mom, it’s a rarity to get a relaxing night at home on the couch. I wouldn’t trade that peace for a rowdy, loud time at a bar for anything.

I don’t know if that part of me will ever change. I can legally drink now whenever I please. I can go buy a six-pack of beer or a bottle of wine from the liquor store. I can walk into a bar and order whatever I want, but the new freedom doesn’t really appeal to me all that much. Plus, there’s no age limit to when you can stop doing these things. I have my entire life to drink. Why rush it?

Once Javi and I move to the military base, I know I won’t be going out much either. Primarily, my obligations are to my family. I’ve got them to look after. Plus, I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable with having a stranger watch Isaac. Leaving your children with a babysitter is handing over trust to another person to be their protector and caregiver. Once we move, I won’t know anyone well enough to entrust with that huge responsibility. When and if the opportunity comes my way, I’ll probably take it. I’ve just never been so crazy about the drinking experience or more specifically, the bar scene. Growing up with a mother who worked as a bartender and who spent a lot of her time hanging out at them, makes the scene even less appealing to me. That’s where I fall short in relating to people my age. As a young person in her early twenties, bars and clubs are where I’m supposed to be hanging out, but for me being a mother comes before partying. It’s unfortunate because I do consider myself to be a social person.

On the other hand, hanging out and keeping friendships afloat hasn’t been my forte either. I’ve lost a ton of people along the way, but I’ve also gained friendships around the country. It’s fun to know people in different states, but it means fewer friends you can call on to hang out with over the weekend. The struggle to maintain friendships is even more of a challenge now that I am a young adult and living a fast-paced, grown up life. Living in two different worlds has become a barrier between myself and everyone else my age. My plans for a Friday night typically consists of a movie and some dinner, while for most people my age the normal idea is to go out, buy a couple of mixed drinks, and mingle with members of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Whatever floats your boat.

I totally understand why that’s typical. Most young adults are single and not looking for anything serious. There are some young moms out there who want the chance to have their party time, too. Of course, I get why mothers want to go out, let loose, and have fun. It’s just that I can’t do that spontaneously, or even sometimes when it’s planned out. Most mothers get to have their sunshine time to party and go wild. But when you’re a teen mom, you’re forced to grow up and give up many things in life that you otherwise would have had.

I never went through a period of denial and destruction. From the moment Isaac became a part of me, I realized it was time to grow up. There wasn’t anything so terrible about that. My son means the world to me, so I’m okay with the sacrifices I have to make. My friends probably find the sacrifices admirable, but it doesn’t mean they fully understand how that affects my social life. Having a son changes the way a young adult functions.

Jo does take Isaac for weekends and such, so I do get to shop and catch up with my friends. I’m not in complete isolation or close to it. On top of having a child, I’ve taken my relationship with Javi to a level of commitment most people my age aren’t ready for. Marriage seriously impacts how you go about your daily life. My decisions aren’t only based upon my needs and Isaac’s. Javi and I compromise and function as a single unit.

Being married at a young age wasn’t much of a question considering I was already doing adult things. It just made perfect sense. When you’ve aged a decade but your skin doesn’t show it, you’re going to find yourself living in a different way. I’d rather go with nature then fight against it. Marriage has provided me with stability. It’s a dynamic that’s difficult to understand unless you’re part of it. As my old friends are out picking up guys and having fun, I’ve become less interesting to them. They just don’t come around anymore.

If the opportunity arises to hang out, my current friends are either married or have children. We’re on the same level of thinking and our lives are similarly structured. I still like my friends that aren’t parents or married, but it’s hard to relate to them anymore. Going out is at the forefront of young adulthood. I can’t be part of that so it’s taken a toll on my social life. The worst part is not having the person I want to be around. With Javi in tech school, it’s even harder to want to be having fun. He’s the one I want to be out and about with.

I guess what I’ve really been trying to take a stab at explaining is how fickle and phony friends can sometimes be. Friends are so hard to come by, let alone loyal, good ones. There always seems to be some extra motive or hidden personality trait that eventually rises to the surface. I’ve met people who I thought were cool because they were so nonchalant and casual. They acted like they didn’t care I was on TV, then a week or two later I’ll find out that it’s the exact opposite. Question after comment, it becomes clear that all they care about is the show. I usually end a conversation as soon as a “friend” brings up anything that involves
Teen Mom 2
. Why? I’m more than “the girl from
Teen Mom 2
.” I’m more than a girl who got pregnant and ended up on MTV.

My cast mates are the only ones who can fully appreciate how it’s such a drag to be known like that. We are all regular people who don’t want to be treated like some gimmick. I’m grateful to have had these girls in my life. Watching the show, it’s pretty obvious all of us represent something different. That we can all surely agree on. Jenelle, Chelsea, and Leah all became part of my life in some crazy twist of fate. I don’t know if we’ll be friends for a little while or forever. I guess the test of the time will be the deciding factor.

Gauging it so far, I believe Leah and I will probably be friends forever. We’ve only been growing closer and closer since the show began. Chelsea and I catch up once in a while via texts. As for Jenelle, I’ve done my best to encourage her and help her in any way I can. I wish her only the best and I hope she truly gets better. Jenelle is capable of doing great things. She’s a strong girl.

As we try to keep each other informed of the events in our lives, small or large, we’ll always be tied together. It’s nice to know this whole, wild journey was collectively shared between us, even though we only seldom saw one another. For us, filming
Teen Mom 2
was just a storytelling experience that became such an amazing opportunity to broadcast an important message to young girls.

Chapter 22

Baby in Her Belly

I was pregnant again. Err . . . surprise? Well, it should have been! The gossip sites shouldn’t be applauded for snooping in. I had wanted to proudly announce my pregnancy myself, in my own time. I was one hundred percent ecstatically brimming with new life. This time around I was very, very excited! The birth of a baby is a blessing, and the blessing bestowed upon my family was nothing but pure joy.

We attempted to keep the beautiful miracle a secret as long as possible. I delayed the announcement as long as I could in order to keep the media from swooping in. The pregnancy was the main reason I didn’t have even one drink on my birthday or why relating to my childless friends was becoming even harder. Being married and pregnant with my second child pushed me even further into an adult lifestyle, rather than the college one I would probably have otherwise been leading.

In February of 2013, I had gone down to Texas to for Javi’s graduation. Even though he couldn’t leave base on Valentine’s Day, once we were able to have time alone, we consummated cupid’s holiday in a very loving fashion, the way sex is supposed to be. (It was a day later but it’s never too late to show your love!) Nothing had been planned. Javi and I had wanted to have children together down the line, but we had never set an exact time frame. Nevertheless, we weren’t opposed to the idea.

It wasn’t long before the signs started adding up. I had been craving avocado and guacamole like crazy. I thought it was just a food craze I was going through. You know, the little obsessive stages where you’ll love a certain food for weeks. I didn’t necessarily link food phases to being pregnant, but my friend Toni, a mother of three, told me I should probably check into it. She wasn’t so convinced my cravings were normal. My period was due the following week, so I wasn’t completely sure if this was pregnancy cravings just yet, but I took her advice and grabbed a pregnancy test. Sure enough, within thirty seconds the stick turned positive.

Since this was a happy pregnancy, I really wanted to share the good news with Javi in person. I wanted to wait until he was home from training to break the great news. But in the end, I really couldn’t contain myself, so I took to Skype with Isaac. His beaming face reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to form a bigger family for him. I knew he was going to break into a fit of joy.

“Mommy has a baby in her belly,” Isaac announced.

Javi immediately cried. In between bouts of blissful tears, he managed to express his emotions. He was just as pleased as I was. It was easily one of the best moments ever. There was no questioning
how
we would do this. There were no questions regarding anything. I didn’t have to wonder if Javi would stick around. I didn’t have to go through all of the worry this time around. The man who loved Isaac so much was going to give him a sibling. We were forming our family.

The easy part was over. The pregnancy was just beginning. Since every pregnancy is different, I didn’t know what to expect for round two. The first ten weeks were nearly unbearable. The fatigue and nausea kept me confined to my bed for a majority of the day. Not having Javi around made it tougher. I didn’t have someone to share the happy moments with or to turn to for support. Obviously, no situation is totally ideal, but I wish Javi could have been around for the early stages.

I also wished I was in better shape. At five months, I was already twenty-five pounds heavier than I was when I was at that point in my pregnancy with Isaac. In that sense, I knew the weight loss and keeping myself on track would be harder post pregnancy. But overall, my main focus was on maintaining a healthy body for my baby. Fat or thin was no longer the image I concentrated on. Whatever healthy looked like, that’s what I wanted.

My finances and living situation were a hundred times more stable than when I was pregnant with Isaac. Without the anxiety, I now had real choices in how I wanted the pregnancy and birth to go. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I had time to look into options. I was interested in water birthing and birthing centers in the area. I decided this time I would use cloth diapers to go the reusable route and be environmentally friendly. They’re also more economical. The cost of disposable diapers adds up fast since you go through them like water.