Pretense (67 page)

A week later, when Mackenzie called her sister to wish her a happy birthday, she decided against mentioning the Bible study again. Delancey loved the CD player Mackenzie had sent, and they managed to find things to say to each other for almost ten minutes, but there was still a strain. Mackenzie was holding out, and Delancey knew it. Guilt or not, the older sister had

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been off the phone for only 20 minutes when she headed the door for Roz's house, hoping she would be on time.

"How old were the kids then?" Mackenzie asked Roz, some six weeks after she had started to attend the study. It had taken weeks for Roz to learn much about her, and she was only able to accomplish this because Mackenzie would usually visit at some other time during the week. On Thursday at 10:00, the young author sat silently for the entire hour and was the first one out the door. Today she stayed.

"Well, let's see. Five years ago Rina would have been 10, Josh, 12, and Devon, 15. They well remember my drinking and not coming home for days. Adam would go looking for me but wouldn't always find me. The kids would be terrified until I came in the door and then throng me, but I was usually hungover and pushed them away. Their dad would be left to comfort them."

"He was already a Christian?"

"Yes. He'd come to Christ four years ahead of me."

"And you haven't had a drink since?"

"As a matter of fact I have, not for more than three years now, but prior to that I stumbled several times. Adam forgave me, and I knew the Lord did, and even though I'm tempted today, I count the cost and choose to obey."

Mackenzie glanced around and tried to think. Roz was nothing like she first believed. Her life looked like a charmed one with three great kids, a loving husband, and many friends. It was hard to imagine her drunk or running around on her husband.

"I don't want to slam what happened in your life, but I'm no drinker," Mackenzie said at last. "And I just don't feel I need to be saved from anything, Roz."

"What about hell, Micki? It's a very real place."

"Okay," her hand went up, "I would be a fool to tell you I want to go to hell, but Roz, I can't live my life as a Christian. I know I can't. God can't really be trusted to do the right thing, or my parents would still be alive."

Roz's head bent to one side as she thought. "We're very earthly-minded creatures, aren't we, Micki? We want God to make everything perfect right here and right now, but that

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would be inconsistent with what happened in the Garden of Eden. Sin entered the world through one man, and because of that, the whole world is under Satan's rules.

"There is no perfect here-and-now. I, for one, don't want it perfect now. I don't want to get too comfortable here. Sin hurts and makes us sad, but it also reminds believers that we have something better waiting for us. Drunk drivers do hit servicemen and take them from their families. Cancer does enter the bodies of our loved ones and take them away, but I'm going to say what you've certainly heard before: God is sovereign. Nothing happens without His hand."

"And you can love a God like that? A God who allows those things to happen?"

"With all my heart," Roz said softly. "I was headed to hell the fast way. My life was falling apart. And you can tell me that you don't drink and you don't have the same needs, and all I can say to that is boloney. You're a sinner just like I am. Are there sacrifices? Yes. Are there heartaches? Yes, but there's also joy and the knowledge that God is not going to let anything happen to me that He doesn't want to happen and that I won't be able to handle. I might get hit by a drunk driver or I might get cancer, but I don't have to worry that it was an accident or that I'm alone. Do I want Adam or the kids to die? Of course not, but I have a God in whom I can trust. I want that for you too, Micki. I want it with all my heart."

How have I come to this place?
Mackenzie sat in Roz's kitchen asking herself.I
wanted nothing to do with my mother's beliefs, yet here I sit, fascinated with Roz and wanting to be close to her. I couldn't get away fromJack fast enough, and now I wish he were here and I could talk with him. How I wishJack would take me in his arms and hold me and tell me God could still love me
-
might still want to forgive me.

Roz watched Mackenzie's face, but she stayed quiet. Never did she imagine that walking to the road to see whose car had broken down would lead to knowing Mackenzie Bishop. More alone than Roz had ever been, she was as independent and savvy as any woman Roz had ever met. Her heart was tender toward children, but it wasn't at all unusual to see a cynical light gleam in her eyes, and that was only if she was letting her emotions show-something she was very adept at hiding.

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It would be so easy to beg this younger woman to fall to her knees and repent, but Roz wouldn't do that. There were sacrifices in the life of a believer-nothing that outweighed the peace God gave, but they weren't something someone could talk you into. "Love-prompted obedience" was the way one of the pastors described it. On her own, Mackenzie would have to come to a point of wanting and needing what only God could offer. Until then, Roz could do nothing for her.

"I think I'll head home now," Mackenzie said softly.

"All right. Are you sure you won't stay for dinner? Adam and the kids will be home in just a little while."

"Is it that late?"

"About 3:30."

"The time slipped away, Roz. I hope I didn't ruin your day."

"If you think that, then you haven't been listening."

Mackenzie smiled at her but still said, "I'm not sure if I'll see you next week or not."

"All right. You know you're welcome."

The women hugged, and Mackenzie went on her way, wondering not for the first time over the fact that Roz never said she would pray for Mackenzie. She somehow knew she did, but it was funny to her that she didn't mention it. Her mother and Jack, and even her father, had said it often.

Mackenzie went straight to the phone when she got home and dialed Delancey's number, but when she got only the answering machine, she hung up. They had talked very little in the last several weeks, and when they were on the phone, Delancey had so little to say that Mackenzie was at a complete loss. She had asked her sister if she was angry, and Delancey insisted she wasn't, but Mackenzie had stopped believing her.

I
need you right now, Delancey,
she spoke to the phone.
Why can'tyou be therefor me? Why can't I talk to you about this?
But there was no answer.

Mackenzie didn't know when she had been so tired, but at night sleep took hours to claim her these last few weeks. She could lie down now but knew it would be no use.

"I don't need You." She suddenly said the words out loud as she paced in the kitchen. "I have everything, do You hear me? I am Mac Walker! I don't need You." Mackenzie sank into a chair

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and her voice softened. "If I don't need You, then how come I'm desperate to talk to Jack?"

Before she could change her mind, she went back to the phone. The number, her home phone for years, was dialed with ease, but she listened with dread to the mechanical recording stating that the number was no longer in service.

"No," Mackenzie whispered to the machine that could not hear her. "You have to be there, Jack. You have to be. I need you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I need you."

Not until the words were out of her mouth did Mackenzie realize what she had said. Her face dropped into her hands.

I
can't believe it would be true. You have to remember all the things I've said to You, how much I've hated You. You can't forgive me, God. You just can't!
But Mackenzie knew better. She had never allowed her heart to soften, but she had heard many of the things her parents and Jack had said over the years.

She cried until she thought she would be sick. Somewhere along the line, the confident and arrogant Mackenzie Rose Bishop had become a pathetic mess. The woman who rose from the table, face puffy and eyes swollen, to search her numerous bookshelves for the Bible her mother had given her felt as though she'd been clubbed and beaten. Her body ached with the weight of her sin and pain.

The Bible finally in her hand, Mackenzie went to her bedroom. It was a huge room without much furniture, but Mackenzie took little notice. She lay across the bed, turned on the lamp that sat on her bedside table, and turned to the book of Mark. She read from the beginning, going slowly when she got to the parts that Gary had gone over on Thursday mornings. She didn't understand all of what she read, and in fact didn't make it through the whole book but rolled over on her back and tried to talk to God.

I
can't handle myself anymore. I'm so miserable that I don't even want to go on. I thought I had it all. I thought I could take care of myself .

Mackenzie stopped as she remembered her father's same words. He had come back from Germany and said to them that he believed he could do everything on his own but then saw his own inadequacies and admitted to God that he needed help- he needed saving.

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I
would give anything to have my father orJack here right now. I need a father right now, God, and I don't know where to turn.

With sudden clarity Mackenzie remembered a verse her mother had shared with her, a verse where God was referred to as "Papa God." Just the thought of it brought on fresh tears. She sobbed until she was utterly spent and didn't remember falling asleep, but the phone's sudden ringing told her she'd been out hard.

'"lo." She cleared her throat and tried again. "Hello."

"Micki?" It was Roz's voice.

"Yes. Hi, Roz."

"Are you all right? You sound as though you were sleeping."

"I must have dropped off."

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, Micki. Are you sure you're all right?"

Mackenzie sighed. "I don't know what I am, Roz. I can't remember what I'm supposed to say to God. I need my dad but he's not here, and I can't find the way."

"Mackenzie, can Adam and I see you?"

"Oh, Roz, if only you could. I need you, but my eyes are so swollen that I don't think I can see to drive."

"We'll be right there."

It felt like forever to Mackenzie. Typically, lake homes were built with a view to the lake, so Mackenzie was not able to see the street unless she was in one of the upstairs bedrooms. But she didn't want to be that far away when they came. She ended up hovering around the front door and just barely controlling her tears when she saw Roz.

Roz was tender and hugged Mackenzie as soon as she got in the door. They were both thankful for Adam, a man whom Mackenzie had come to respect and care for. He took charge.

"Let's sit here in the living room," he suggested, and then waited for his wife to lead Mackenzie to a chair.

"How are you doing?" he asked when Mackenzie looked at him.

"Just awful. I can't do this anymore, Adam. I've been running and pushing God away for so long. I thought I would never want anything to do with Him, and now that I do, I can't think clearly."

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Adam nodded, his heart asking God to give him the words. "Mackenzie, I have some things I want to say to you, and you need to be listening."

Mackenzie nodded, her puffy eyes on him. Roz remained very quiet, but her heart was petitioning God that Adam might have the right words, and also that Mackenzie would humble herself before God.

"The gospel is very simple, Micki," Adam told her, "but it's also very serious. When the gospel is explained to us, we can't just give an intellectual nod of the head. We have to embrace it with our hearts. God is not interested in anything less than that. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does."

"You haven't wanted anything or anyone to rule you, Mackenzie. You've been rebellious and willful. You can't come to God still determined to have your way. Do you understand that, honey? I don't want to talk you out of this, but this is a serious step, and I would be lying to you if I said otherwise."

"I understand, Adam. Please don't spare me," Mackenzie said quietly. "I've been sparing myself for years, and now I'm miserable."

"Could you hang Jonathan Cantrell on a cross to die, Mackenzie?"

"No." She bit her lip and cringed at the thought.

"He's precious, isn't he? But far more precious than we can imagine is the Son of God. And God's love for us can't even be compared to our love for Jonathan or our own children, yet He sent His Son. Do you believe that, Micki?"

"Yes. I've just always been so arrogant about not needing to be saved, and then when my mother died, I was so angry ..."

"There's a very simple word for those things, and I think you know that too."

"Sin."

"Yes. It's all about belief, Mackenzie. It's all about understanding that we have nothing to offer and can do nothing to save ourselves. God's Word says that we must believe on His Son alone to save us from our sin."