Praetorian Series [4] All Roads Lead to Rome (19 page)

And I’d looked at hundreds more as the hours had ticked by, James and I treating countless patients but abandoning far more.  I had no way of knowing if the battle was over.  I had been operating in a daze, drawing strength from James’ tireless endeavor to save all those he could, although he wasn’t so focused on his patients that he couldn’t see how exhausted I was right now.

And I was.

Never had I felt so fatigued before.  I was about ready to collapse, from both the physical and emotional emptiness growing inside me and the horrors I’d seen.  James was in the midst of sewing up an abdominal wound on his latest patient as I prepared a locally crafted bandage, when he finally looked up and met my eye for the first time since he’d abandoned that first legionnaire, speaking his first words to me as well.

“You should head up the hill, Diana,” he said kindly, not a hint of patronization in his voice.  “I’m almost out of supplies, and can’t do much more until I find my baggage cart… wherever the bloody hell that is.”

I glanced up from the bandage I was carefully cutting to ensure none of it was wasted.  “I’m all right, James.  I can still help.”

He looked at my hands after he tied off the last stich, and pointed at them.  I looked down again and noticed that I was snipping at nothing but air with my scissors over and over again. I no longer even held the bandage that I’d successfully cut a minute ago.

I dropped the scissors, and lifted my hands to rub my eyes.

Wang reached over the unconscious patient’s body and placed a hand gently against my neck.  “You were aces, Artie,” he said appreciatively.  “More than anyone could have expected.  You earned a sleep.  I’ll be along shortly.”

I lowered my hands, caught off guard by the gratitude and thanks I heard in his voice, as though he really had needed me here all along.  I nodded slowly and found myself leaning over the wounded man’s body to give my friend a hug.  I pulled away a few seconds later and stood.

Turning to leave, I noticed James hold out a hand to stop me.  “Hey, wait,” he said, and I looked at him slowly, seeing him turn away almost in embarrassment.  After a moment, with the injured man unconscious beneath him, he finally met my eye, an odd smile on his face.  “You’re more like your brother than I thought… before all this, anyway.  Just as determined and maybe even more selfless.  I guess I forgot about who he was before we found ourselves in Britain.  I’m… sorry for that.”

Too tired to even nod, I tried to smile at him, accepting his apology, understanding immediately that he was ready to help us find Jacob again.  Knowing he was willing to help, I felt immeasurably better, although as soon as I turned to wander up the hill, I remembered just how tired I was and stumbled like a drunken fool, swerving and weaving almost uncontrollably as I started my ascent.  The emptiness I felt at what had just transpired was beginning to overwhelm me in a way I hadn’t expected, the adrenaline and excitement from earlier wearing off quickly.  Now that quiet had mostly returned to the countryside, and the cries of battle were far away, I found myself trying to understand what had just happened.  Here I was walking through a cemetery of fallen bodies without graves, and was at a loss to understand how they’d come to be there, no longer really remembering what had just occurred, too tired to look back on the day and find the answers to questions I didn’t really want answered anyway.

Instead of thinking, I simply wandered up the hill, wounded legionnaires and ones too tired to fight pacing me up toward where I knew a make shift camp must have been created – knowing the Romans as well as I did by now.  I also heard the intermittent booms of a sniper rifle still being employed off to my right and still a ways up the hill, and found myself veering off in that direction.  Another shot rang out, and I knew I was heading in the right direction, only I wasn’t sure how long it would take before I stumbled on the source.

Another shot rang out, much louder this time, and I continued on.  No other shots were heard as I covered another hundred meters without much direction, but then I wearily found myself approaching a pair of bodies lying on the ground, rifles pointing nearly in my direction as I approached.  One was female, the other male, and in my near delirious state I thought for a second that Jacob and Helena had been reunited to ply their deadly trade together again, as they had so often done over the years.

As I drew closer, my weakened mind blearily identified the man to be the kindly Alex Cuyler instead of my insane brother.  He still held his rifle in a grip that suggested he was ready to fire it, but upon closer inspection, I saw that he was asleep, his cheek resting comfortably on the back end of his rifle.  Helena, however, still had her right eye buried in her scope, her mouth tight and determined, and I knew she was still searching for targets.

I didn’t try to interrupt her at first, knowing she wouldn’t want to be disturbed as she so resolutely dealt with her grief.  I half expected her to be maliciously firing round after round at possible targets, taking great pleasure in the deaths of those who had no idea what had hit them.

Fortunately, that was not the case.

She fired again, the deafening boom snapping me from my thoughts, and I couldn’t help but think that even though she seemed in control of her actions, she was still taking some pleasure from all this.  I didn’t want to think such things, but I couldn’t help it, and the thought that Helena was slowly destroying her humanity nearly brought me to tears.

A few tears slipped out as I stood above the woman I’d wanted so much to call a sister, but wasn’t sure if I could anymore.  Whether because of her own damning dark path or my own newfound understanding of the world I had been forced into, I wasn’t sure if there could ever be anything sisterly between us again.

Helena must have noticed something was different about the world around her, and I saw her shut eye open and swivel around to take in her surroundings.  She saw me immediately and lifted her head, and I could see the frustration in her face because I’d disturbed her.  Even through my mild sobs, it was obvious that she found me to be an irritation, and I was ready for her to lift her rifle and shoot me dead or leap at me with a knife and put me out of my misery.

But neither thing happened.

In fact, the last thing I expected happened.

Helena continued to look up at me, her face shifting to form an expression I wasn’t sure I’d seen from her in a long time.  She looked concerned for something, although what it was, I couldn’t exactly say.  She seemed worried as she gazed up at me, her body shifting so that she could bring herself to her feet.

“Diana…” she said as she maneuvered to her knees.  “What happened to you?  Are you all right?  Were you wounded?”

My sadness turned to confusion at her unexpected shift in demeanor and the words she’d spoken.  I didn’t think I was wounded, but I suppose somewhere along the way I may have been shot with an arrow or been cut on a sword just lying on the ground and hadn’t noticed.

I glanced down, and saw for the first time just how much of a mess I was.  I was filthy with mud and blood covered every inch of my arms from the elbows down, and even more caked my clothing, scattered in dark splotches.  As Helena was getting to her feet, a slow and careful process after she had been laying for so long, I tried to find answers that would help her understand my appearance.

Instead, I simply stood there voicelessly mouthing words, too exhausted and shell-shocked to find them.

“Oh, Artie,” Helena said as she took a step forward, placing a hand on my shoulder.  “What happened?”

“I…” I started to say, finally finding my words.  “I… I… was with James…”

Helena opened her mouth but then closed it quickly as she looked away, her eyes narrow and her mouth turned downward.

“I…” I started again, the emptiness inside of me refilling with memories and visions of the past few hours.  “I was helping the wounded.  So many died, Helena.  For what?  For what??  It was so senseless.  All so senseless.  But I think… I think I can do it now.”

Helena looked back at me, raising a hand to her mouth.  “Do what, Artie?”

“What you asked me weeks ago,” I said, trying to steel myself for my answer.  “Pull the trigger when it matters.”

I was trembling now, unable to hold myself upright any longer, and I wasn’t certain if my instability was the result of simple fatigue or if shock was settling in.  All I wanted was to fall to the ground, crumple into a heap, and cry.

But Helena was not going to let that happen.  Within heartbeats, she had me wrapped in a strong and supportive hug, her hand pressing my head against her shoulder.  “I’m so sorry, Artie,” she whispered.  “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

“How, Helena…” I spurted, squeezing her so tightly I might have hurt her. “How do you do it?  Live with it?

Her next words were spoken around what I could only guess were actual tears, another unexpected but welcome reaction from her.  “I don’t know, Artie,” she said tenderly.  “I don’t know.  We just … do.  We… focus on the better things, I… guess.”

The way she spoke suggested the only person she was trying to convince was herself, but as empathy returned to her voice, what few tears I’d shed had all but dried up as Helena and I stood wrapped up in a hug.  I found myself suddenly too happy to cry, as I knew in that moment that I had found a way to break through Helena’s shell of self-damnation.  I hadn’t expected or ever hoped that it would take something like the events of the day to snap her from it, but I would take it.

Helena was a caring and compassionate individual in better times; it was easy to see.  She was just like my mom, which made it easy to see why Jacob had fallen in love with her, but Helena cared almost too deeply sometimes, and carried within her an anger that didn’t always mix well with pessimism.  It’s what made her different from Jacob.  Whereas Jacob would simply wrap himself in a cocoon of self-denial and doubt, Helena went on a rampage.

I’d almost thought recovering Jacob was the only way to break the spell over her, but after today, I was convinced I could help her.  I knew that she wasn’t healed completely, but I was certainly going to exploit the progress she’s made while I could.  All the sadness and emptiness I’d felt over the battle was gone now, replaced instead with hope, will, and a determination that I could fix all this.

I pulled away from Helena and brushed what was left of my tears from my cheeks, and she did the same.  The two of us looked at each other, and I couldn’t help but chuckle, and again, Helena joined in.  We laughed and coughed around drying tears, enjoying the moment while we could.  I was alive, Helena was alive, and something of an understanding had come between us.

Helena was still chuckling as she pressed her hands against her cheeks, and shook her head from side to side as though in disbelief.  “I’m so sorry, Artie.  Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I think so,” I admitted.  “Thank you.  It means a lot that you were so quick to comfort me, more than you know.”

Helena bit her lip and looked away.  “I guess… I guess I just realized how much you mean to me, Artie. When I saw you like this… I was terrified of what might have happened to you.  I’m so glad you’re okay.  I couldn’t bear to lose you too.”

I smiled, continuing to hold onto her shoulder more for physical support now than anything else.  “I don’t want anything to happen to you either, Helena.  I hope you understand that.”

“I do,” she said with nod, her mouth shifting into a smirk.  “This is what friends are for, isn’t it?”

“It’s more than that, Helena,” I said, pulling her in for another quick hug.  “This is what family is for.  I need it, you need it, and Jacob needs it more than any of us.”

She patted my back and pulled away, offering me a supportive smile.  “Thanks.”

I rubbed her arm comfortingly and took hold of it so I that I could lead her away from Alex, who continued to sleep atop his sniper rifle, snoring softly as he recuperated from the day’s endeavors.  He’d be fine, and while Helena and I needed our rest as well, it seemed better to find our sleeping gear and take the entire night off in comfort rather than plunk down beside him.  I knew that I, for one, would sleep soundly because, although I was exhausted beyond description, I could rest easily knowing that I was now certain of my role in all this.

It felt right that Helena and I had been able to comfort one another.  After everything we’d been through, it was obvious that we were bound together.  Whether it was because of our shared love for Jacob, or simply because we’d found the friend in the other again, I was just glad to have her back.  John was a perfectly good companion in his own charmingly unique way, but there was something comforting about having her with me.

I’d always wanted a sister.

***

The battle had continued well into the night, persisting long after Helena and I finally found our haphazardly gathered gear that had been dragged up the hill by noncombatants assigned to the legion and left near all the other gear inside their hastily created fort.  I was operating on autopilot, barely able to move, but Helena scrambled into our cart and tore through our supplies to find her tent, seemingly as fresh and clearheaded as she’d been this morning.

I could have questioned her impressive stamina as I waited impatiently for her to find the tent and sleeping gear, but didn’t.  I was too tired, and was distracted when she finally threw down a pair of sleeping bags, which I collected off the ground as she leapt off the cart with the tent in her arms.