Portnoy's Complaint (29 page)

You should go home.

On the contrary! I should stay. Yes, stay! Buy a pair of those khaki short pants-become a man!

Do as you wish, she said. I am leaving you.

No, Heroine, no, I cried-for I was actually beginning to like her a little. Oh, what a
 
waste.

She
liked that. She looked at me very victoriously, as though I had finally confessed to the truth about myself. Screw her. I mean, not being able to fuck away at a big healthy girl like you.

She shivered with loathing. Tell me, please,
why
must you use that word all the time?

Don't the boys say 'fuck' up in the mountains?

No, she answered, condescendingly, not the way that you do.

Well, I said, I suppose they're not as rich with rage as I am. With contempt. And I lunged for her leg. Because never enough. NEVER! I have TO HAVE.

But have
what?

No! she screamed down at me.

Yes!

No!

Then, I pleaded, as she began to drag me by her powerful leg across toward the door, at least let me eat your pussy. I know I can still do that.

Pig!

And kicked. And landed! Full force with that pioneer's leg, just below the heart. The blow I had been angling for? Who knows what I was up to? Maybe I was up to nothing. Maybe I was just being myself. Maybe that's all I really am, a lapper of cunt, the slavish mouth for some

woman's hole. Eat! And so be it! Maybe the wisest solution for me is to live on all fours! Crawl through life feasting on pussy, and leave the righting of wrongs and the fathering of families to the upright creatures! Who needs monuments erected in his name, when there is this banquet walking the streets?

Crawl through life then-if I have a life left! My head went spinning, the vilest juices rose in my throat. Ow, my heart! And in Israel! Where other Jews find refuge, sanctuary and peace, Portnoy now perishes! Where other Jews flourish, I now expire! And all I wanted was to give a little pleasure-and make a little for myself. Why, why can I not have some pleasure without the retribution following behind like a caboose! Pig? Who,
me?
And all at once it happens again, I am impaled again upon the long ago, what was, what will never be! The door slams, she is gone-my salvation! my kin!-and I am whimpering on the floor with MY MEMORIES! My endless childhood! Which I won't relinquish-or which won't relinquish me! Which is it! Remembering radishes-the ones I raised so lovingly in my Victory Garden. In that patch of yard be- side our cellar door.
My
kibbutz. Radishes, parsley, carrots -yes, I am a patriot too, you, only in another place! (Where I
also
don't feel at home! ) But the silver foil I collected, how
about
that? The newspapers I carted to school! My booklet of defense stamps, all neatly pasted in rows so as to smash the Axis! My model airplanes-my Piper Cub, my Hawker Hurricane, my Spitfire! How can this be happening to that good kid I was, with my love for the R.A.F. and the Four Freedoms! My hope for Yalta and Dumbarton Oaks! My prayers for the U.N.O.! Die?
Why?
Punishment? For
what?
Impotent?
For what good reason?

The Monkey's Revenge. Of course.

ALEXANDER PORTNOY, FOR DEGRADING THE HUMANITY OF MARY JANE REED TWO NIGHTS RUNNING IN ROME, AND FOR OTHER CRIMES TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION INVOLVING THE EXPLOITATION OF HER CUNT, YOU ARE SENTENCED TO A TERRIBLE CASE OF IMPOTENCE. ENJOY YOURSELF. But, Your Honor, she is of age, after all, a consenting adult-' DON'T BULLSHIT ME WITH LEGALISMS, PORTNOY. YOU KNEW RIGHT FROM WRONG. YOU KNEW YOU WERE DEGRADING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. AND FOR THAT, WHAT YOU DID AND HOW YOU DID IT, YOU ARE JUSTLY SENTENCED TO A LIMP DICK. GO FIND ANOTHER WAY TO HURT A PERSON. But if I may, Your Honor, she was perhaps somewhat degraded before I met her. Need I say more than 'Las Vegas'? OH, WONDERFUL DEFENSE, JUST WONDERFUL. GUARANTEED TO SOFTEN THE COURT'S JUDGMENT. THAT'S HOW WE TREAT UNFORTUNATES, EH, COMMISSIONER? THAT'S GIVING A PERSON THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE DIGNIFIED AND HUMAN ACCORDING TO YOUR DEFINITION? SON OF A BITCH! Your Honor, please, if I may approach the bench-what after all was I doing but just trying to have . . . well, what? . . . a little fun, that's all. OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Well, why, damn it, can’t I have some
fun!
Why is the smallest thing I do for pleasure immediately illicit-while the rest of the world rolls laughing in the mud!
Pig?
She ought to see the charges and complaints that are filed in my office in a single hatred! For dough! For power! For spite! For
nothing!
What they put a
shvartze
through to get a mortgage on a home! A man wants what my father used to call an umbrella for a rainy day-and you ought to see those pigs go to work on him! And I mean the real pigs, the pros! Who do you think got the banks to begin to recruit Negroes and Puerto Ricans for jobs in this city, to send personnel people to interview applicants in Harlem? To do that simple thing? This
pig,
lady-Portnoy! You want to talk pigs, come down to the office, take a look through my In basket any morning of the week, I'll show you pigs! The things that other men do-and get away with! And with never a second thought! To inflict a wound upon a defenseless person makes them
smile
, for Christ's sake, gives a little
lift
to their day! The lying, the scheming, the bribing, the thieving-the larceny, Doctor, conducted without batting an eye. The indifference! The total moral indifference! They don't come down from the crimes they commit with so much as a case of indigestion! But me, I dare to steal a slightly unusual kind of a hump, and while away on my
vacation
-and now I can't get it up! I mean, God forbid I should tear the tag from my mattress that says, Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law -what would they give me for that, the chair? It makes me want to
scream
, the ridiculous disproportion of the guilt! May I? Will that shake them up too much out in the waiting room? Because that's maybe what I need most of all, to howl. A pure howl, without any more words between me and it! This is the police speaking. You're surrounded, Portnoy. You better come on out and pay your debt to society. Up society's ass, Copper! Three to come out with those hands of yours up in the air. Mad Dog, or else we come in after you, guns blazing. One. Blaze, you bastard cop, what do I give a shit? I tore the tag off my mattress- Two. -But at least while I lived,
I lived big!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!

PUNCH LINE

So [said the doctor]. Now vee may perhaps to begin Yes?