Poisoned Apples (6 page)

I
n the city I can pierce my lip, shave

my head, never again have to hear,

“Hey, Blondie!”

My parents can pretend they know where

I've gone. They can tell their snooty friends

I'm away at art school and will someday

be famous for what I make, not for what I

stole and broke, for everyone I disappointed.

All these weeks being grounded, I have

figured it out. If even the best porridge

makes me fart, if the coziest chair holds a

wicked splinter, and nightmares still find me

on that just-right mattress, then why not

go for just wrong? A street corner, a blanket,

a cardboard sign, and maybe a mutt I'll call

Baby Bear because he'll be the only one

who really gives a fuck if I'm there.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

You Go, Girl!

Y
ou go if you have

flab, chub, pudge, blubber, jiggle, cellulite,

surfeit, suet, droop, bat wings, mood swings,

muffin top, jelly-belly, bubble butt, cottage cheese,

cankles, extra pounds, extra inches, extra chins,

wetness, dryness, tightness, looseness,

redness, yellowing, blackheads, whiteheads, the blues,

bags, blotches, dark circles, dark roots,

caking, smudging, clumping, flaking, breakage,

leakage, puffiness, creases, stretch marks, rough

patches, carbuncles, stigmas, cowlicks, split ends,

frizz, seborrhea, dinginess, drabness, dullness, shine,

tiny lines, tan lines, frown lines, smile lines, panty lines,

odor, inflammation, discoloration, or dimples

on the wrong cheeks.

But buy this cream—

only $39.95!—

and we might let you come back.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

Thumbelina's
Get-Tiny Cleanse—Tested

O
ften mistaken for Tinker Bell, this sun-loving

Nordic pixie is actually the diminutive creator of

the hottest diet craze since Papa Bear's Porridge

Control. But does her get-tough plan work?

Fairy Tale Fitness enlisted the help of a celebrity

volunteer to find out.

Miss Muffet: “After two hundred years on my tuffet,

spooning in dairy, I really should change my name

to Miss Muffin Top,” the bonneted star confessed.

She'd tried switching to fat-free whey but knew she

needed a more drastic change to reach her goal

weight.

 

 

Sample Menu for Miss Muffet:

Breakfast

1 Acorn cap diced pine needle

2 Drops dew, mountain or meadow

Snack

½ Rose petal, steamed

Lunch

1 Broiled ant feeler, exoskeleton removed

1/3 Acorn cap bark chips

Mist—all you can drink!

Snack

More mist

Dinner

Pond water soup

Another pine needle

½ Acorn cap whipped dandelion fluff

Again with the mist

 

 

Results: It worked! When our editors showed up at the

tuffet four weeks later, the Divine Miss M was so tiny

they couldn't even
find
her! They did interview a spider

that was in the area, wrapping something in its web.

Next issue: The Secret of a Svelte Arachnid—
Small

portions of lean protein.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

The Little Mermaid

E
ven before I found the globe in his study

and realized that this endless land

is really just a few stray crusts drifting

through the blue, my world had shrunk

to the size of my tender new feet

on the dance floor, each minuet

like a harpooning,

to the size of the satin pillow he lets me

sleep on beside his bed,

to the size of his eyes reflecting my eyes

begging
lovemeholdmedon'tleaveme
,

to the size of my mouth, this dead

eel's nest, open now while he feeds me

oysters, or, as I used to call them,

friends.

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................

Health Class

M
rs. Greco normally taught Physical Education,

which we weren't allowed to call Gym—“Jim is

somebody's uncle.”

And, “Please keep your periods in Language Arts, ladies.

In this class we will discuss your
menstrual cycles.
”

And, “Unless you all suddenly sprout feathers,

we will say
ova,
not
eggs.
”

After the video about fertilization,

Rachel Zindler asks if what her cousin said

is true, that some super sperm

can swim right through condoms.

Mrs. Greco says, “I'm sorry, Rachel,

the school board does not allow us to cover

prophylactics.”

 

Then Courtney Clark asks

how to tell if she is in love.

“At your age, ladies, the proper term

is
infatuation
.”

We lean forward and wait

for her to explain the difference.

She tells us

to take out our textbooks

and read silently for the rest of the

period.

 

Art TK

UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE

HarperCollins Publishers

..................................................................