Plays Unpleasant (36 page)

VIVIE
[
stamping at him
] Be serious. I'm serious.

FRANK
. Good. Let us talk learnedly. Miss Warren: do you know that all the most advanced thinkers are agreed that half the diseases of modern civilization are due to starvation of the affections in the young. Now,
I
–

VIVIE
[
cutting him short
] You are very tiresome. [
She opens the inner door
]. Have you room for Frank there? He's complaining of starvation.

MRS WARREN
[
within
] Of course there is [
clatter of knives and glasses as she moves the things on the table
]. Here! theres room now beside me. Come along, Mr Frank.

FRANK
. Her little boy will be ever so even with his Vivvums for this. [
He passes into the kitchen
].

MRS WARREN
[
within
] Here, Vivie: come on you too, child. You must be famished. [
She enters, followed by Crofts, who holds the door open for Vivie with marked deference. She goes out without looking at him; and shuts the door after her
]. Why, George, you cant be done: youve eaten nothing. Is there anything wrong with you?

CROFTS
. Oh, all I wanted was a drink. [
He thrusts his hands in his pockets, and begins prowling about the room, restless and sulky
].

MRS WARREN
. Well, I like enough to eat. But a little of that cold beef and cheese and lettuce goes a long way. [
With a sigh of only half repletion she sits down lazily on the settle
].

CROFTS
. What do you go encouraging that young pup for?

MRS WARREN
[
on the alert at once
] Now see here, George: what are you up to about that girl? Ive been watching your way of looking at her. Remember: I know you and what your looks mean.

CROFTS
. Theres no harm in looking at her, is there?

MRS WARREN
. I'd put you out and pack you back to London pretty soon if I saw any of your nonsense. My girl's little finger is more to me than your whole body and soul. [
Crofts receives this with a sneering grin. Mrs Warren, flushing a little at her failure to impose on him in the character of a theatrically devoted mother, adds in a lower key
] Make your mind easy: the young pup has no more chance than you have.

CROFTS
. Maynt a man take an interest in a girl?

MRS WARREN
. Not a man like you.

CROFTS
. How old is she?

MRS WARREN
. Never you mind how old she is.

CROFTS
. Why do you make such a secret of it?

MRS WARREN
. Because I choose.

CROFTS
. Well, I'm not fifty yet; and my property is as good as ever it was –

MRS WARREN
[
interrupting him
] Yes; because youre as stingy as youre vicious.

CROFTS
[
continuing
] And a baronet isnt to be picked up every day. No other man in my position would put up with you for a mother-in-law. Why shouldnt she marry me?

MRS WARREN
. You!

CROFTS
. We three could live together quite comfortably: I'd die before her and leave her a bouncing widow with plenty of money. Why not? It's been growing in my mind all the time Ive been walking with that fool inside there.

MRS WARREN
[
revolted
] Yes: it's the sort of thing that would grow in your mind.

He halts in his prowling; and the two look at one another, she steadfastly, with a sort of awe behind her contemptuous disgust: he stealthily, with a carnal gleam in his eye and a loose grin
.

CROFTS
[
suddenly becoming anxious and urgent as he sees no sign of sympathy in her
] Look here, Kitty: youre a sensible woman: you neednt put on any moral airs. I'll ask no more questions; and you need answer none. I'll settle the whole property on her; and if you want a cheque for yourself on the wedding day, you can name any figure you like – in reason.

MRS WARREN
. So it's come to that with you, George, like all the other worn-out old creatures!

CROFTS
[
savagely
] Damn you!

Before she can retort the door of the kitchen is opened; and the voices of the others are heard returning. Crofts, unable to recover his presence of mind, hurries out of the cottage. The clergyman appears at the kitchen door
.

REV. S
. [
looking round
] Where is Sir George?

MRS WARREN
. Gone out to have a pipe. [
The clergyman takes his hat from the table, and joins Mrs Warren at the fireside.
Meanwhile Vivie comes in, followed by Frank, who collapses into the nearest chair with an air of extreme exhaustion. Mrs Warren looks round at Vivie and says, with her affection of maternal patronage even more forced than usual
] Well, dearie: have you had a good supper?

VIVIE
. You know what Mrs Alison's suppers are. [
She turns to Frank and pets him
]. Poor Frank! was all the beef gone? did it get nothing but bread and cheese and ginger beer? [
Seriously, as if she had done quite enough trifling for one evening
] Her butter is really awful. I must get some down from the stores.

FRANK
. Do, in Heaven's name!

Vivie goes to the writing-table and makes a memorandum to order the butter. Praed comes in from the kitchen, putting up his handkerchief, which he has been using as a napkin
.

REV. S
. Frank, my boy: it is time for us to be thinking of home. Your mother does not know yet that we have visitors.

PRAED
. I'm afraid we're giving trouble.

FRANK
[
rising
] Not the least in the world: my mother will be delighted to see you. She's a genuinely intellectual artistic woman; and she sees nobody here from one year's end to another except the gov'nor; so you can imagine how jolly dull it pans out for her. [
To his father
] Youre not intellectual or artistic: are you, pater? So take Praed home at once; and I'll stay here and entertain Mrs Warren. Youll pick up Crofts in the garden. He'll be excellent company for the bull-pup.

PRAED
[
taking his hat from the dresser, and coming close to Frank
] Come with us, Frank. Mrs Warren has not seen Miss Vivie for a long time; and we have prevented them from having a moment together yet.

FRANK
[
quite softened and looking at Praed with romantic admiration
] Of course. I forgot. Ever so thanks for reminding me. Perfect gentleman, Praddy. Always were. My ideal through life. [
He rises to go, but pauses a moment between the
two older men, and puts his hand on Praed's shoulder
]. Ah, if you had only been my father instead of this unworthy old man! [
He puts his other hand on his father's shoulder
].

REV. S
. [
blustering
] Silence, sir, silence: you are profane.

MRS WARREN
[
laughing heartily
] You should keep him in better order, Sam. Goodnight. Here: take George his hat and stick with my compliments.

REV. S
. [
taking them
] Goodnight. [
They shake hands. As he passes Vivie he shakes hands with her also and bids her goodnight. Then, in booming command, to Frank
] Come along, sir, at once. [
He goes out
].

MRS WARREN
. Byebye, Praddy.

PRAED
. Byebye, Kitty.

They shake hands affectionately and go out together, she accompanying him to the garden gate
.

FRANK
[
to Vivie
] Kissums?

VIVIE
[
fiercely
] No. I hate you. [
She takes a couple of books and some paper from the writing-table, and sits down with them at the middle table, at the end next the fireplace
].

FRANK
[
grimacing
] Sorry. [
He goes for his cap and rifle. Mrs Warren returns. He takes her hand
] Goodnight, dear Mrs Warren. [
He kisses her hand. She snatches it away, her lips tightening, and looks more than half disposed to box his ears. He laughs mischievously and runs off, clapping-to the door behind him
].

MRS WARREN
[
resigning herself to an evening of boredom now that the men are gone
] Did you ever in your life hear anyone rattle on so? Isnt he a tease? [
She sits at the table
]. Now that I think of it, dearie, dont you go encouraging him. I'm sure he's a regular good-for-nothing.

VIVIE
[
rising to fetch more books
] I'm afraid so. Poor Frank! I shall have to get rid of him; but I shall feel sorry for him, though he's not worth it. That man Crofts does not seem to me to be good for much either: is he? [
She throws the books on the table rather roughly
].

MRS WARREN
[
galled by Vivie's indifference
] What do you know of men, child, to talk that way about them? Youll
have to make up your mind to see a good deal of Sir George Crofts, as he's a friend of mine.

VIVIE
[
quite unmoved
] Why? [
She sits down and opens a book
]. Do you expect that we shall be much together? You and I, I mean?

MRS WARREN
[
staring at her
] Of course: until youre married. Youre not going back to college again.

VIVIE
. Do you think my way of life would suit you? I doubt it.

MRS WARREN
. Your way of life! What do you mean?

VIVIE
[
cutting a page of her book with the paper knife on her chatelaine
] Has it really never occurred to you, mother, that I have a way of life like other people?

MRS WARREN
. What nonsense is this youre trying to talk? Do you want to shew your independence, now that youre a great little person at school? Dont be a fool, child.

VIVIE
[
indulgently
] Thats all you have to say on the subject, is it, mother?

MRS WARREN
[
puzzled, then angry
] Dont you keep on asking me questions like that. [
Violently
] Hold your tongue. [
Vivie works on, losing no time, and saying nothing
]. You and your way of life, indeed! What next? [
She looks at Vivie again. No reply
]. Your way of life will be what I please, so it will. [
Another pause
]. Ive been noticing these airs in you ever since you got that tripos or whatever you call it. If you think I'm going to put up with them youre mistaken; and the sooner you find it out, the better. [
Muttering
] All I have to say on the subject, indeed! [
Again raising her voice angrily
] Do you know who youre speaking to, Miss?

VIVIE
. [
looking across at her without raising her head from her book
] No. Who are you? What are you?

MRS WARREN
[
rising breathless
] You young imp!

VIVIE
. Everybody knows my reputation, my social standing, and the profession I intend to pursue. I know nothing about you. What is that way of life which you invite me to share with you and Sir George Crofts, pray?

MRS WARREN
. Take care. I shall do something I'll be sorry for after, and you too.

VIVIE
[
putting aside her books with cool decision
] Well, let us drop the subject until you are better able to face it. [
Looking critically at her mother
] You want some good walks and a little lawn tennis to set you up. You are shockingly out of condition: you were not able to manage twenty yards uphill today without stopping to pant; and your wrists are mere rolls of fat. Look at mine. [
She holds out her wrists
].

MRS WARREN
[
after looking at her helplessly, begins to whimper
] Vivie –

VIVIE
[
springing up sharply
] Now pray dont begin to cry. Anything but that. I really cannot stand whimpering. I will go out of the room if you do.

MRS WARREN
[
piteously
] Oh, my darling, how can you be so hard on me? Have I no rights over you as your mother?

VIVIE
. Are you my mother?

MRS WARREN
[
appalled
] Am I your mother! Oh, Vivie!

VIVIE
. Then where are our relatives? my father? our family friends? You claim the rights of a mother: the right to call me fool and child; to speak to me as no woman in authority over me at college dare speak to me; to dictate my way of life; and to force on me the acquaintance of a brute whom any one can see to be the most vicious sort of London man about town. Before I give myself the trouble to resist such claims, I may as well find out whether they have any real existence.

MRS WARREN
[
distracted, throwing herself on her knees
] Oh no, no. Stop, stop. I am your mother: I swear it. Oh, you cant mean to turn on me – my own child! it's not natural. You believe me, dont you? Say you believe me.

VIVIE
. Who was my father?

MRS WARREN
. You dont know what youre asking. I cant tell you.

VIVIE
[
determinedly
] Oh yes you can, if you like. I have a right to know; and you know very well that I have that
right. You can refuse to tell me, if you please; but if you do, you will see the last of me tomorrow morning.