Playing for the Other Team (3 page)

But we had never interacted, partially because I hadn’t had a class with Jasper again until the second semester of senior year, the one that was just now coming to an end. We had been assigned seats next to each other, and he had never given any indication that he even remembered me. But the more I had been around him, the more I’d noticed all those little details about him. And I had been too nervous, to freaked out to open my mouth.

I think you’re beautiful too. Your hands and your eyes and every other part of you.

I doubted I would ever be able to tell him. I wasn’t as brave as he was.

“Bryson?”

I jumped and wheeled around. Blue-green eyes were focused on me. Without even noticing my surroundings, I had made my way into a room that looked to be for martial-arts training—the floor was covered with thick, square mats—and Jasper had apparently followed me without my even noticing. I froze.

“I just wanted to check on you. Are you feeling better?” he asked.

I nodded. There was a bench up against one wall, and I sat on it because I was afraid my legs might give out. Jasper joined me, keeping a polite distance. He was still wearing his tux, and he looked way too damn good in it. The tips of his hair brushed his collar. I wondered whether they would tickle if they brushed against my skin instead.

“I didn’t mean to tell you,” I said. I swallowed hard, staring at the mats by my feet. “I was just trying to…to get through this. To make it till the end of the year.”

“And then what?” Jasper asked carefully.

I shrugged. “Go to college. Be normal.”

“You’re still going to be gay in college, Bryson,” Jasper pointed out gently.

I bit my lip, hard. “I don’t want to be gay at all.”

“It’s not a choice, you know.” Jasper remained utterly calm. “Not the feelings you have. You can choose not to act on them. You can choose to lie, to sleep with girls, to deny yourself what you really want, to spend your life with someone you can’t love the way you should. Or you can choose to accept it and to live with it. That’s the one choice you do have.”

On some level, I appreciated his bluntness. But what he was telling me was so bleak that I desperately wanted to forget I’d ever heard it, to stick my fingers into my ears, go “Lalala, I can’t hear you,” and pretend the world was all sunshine and kittens.

“It’s not all that bad, you know.” He stretched out his hand and hesitated for a moment before resting it lightly on my shoulder. I tried not to like his touch.

“So you’re gay?” I asked.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “You didn’t know?”

“I thought you were, but, you know, seeing you with Rayna…”

“She’s just a friend,” he said. “A very good friend, but nothing more than that.” His thumb caressed my skin through the fabric of my T-shirt. I only barely resisted leaning closer. I was also ridiculously relieved by what he’d just told me.

“It’s really okay,” he repeated. “The world is getting more accepting every day, you know. You can get married. You can still have kids, get whatever job you want, all that stuff. There’s a few road bumps, yes, but they’re getting to be less and less.”

What he was saying…

I sat up straighter when I realized that his words actually had an impact. I
did
feel like my life as I knew it was over, and I didn’t want it to be, and that’s why I was clinging to the world I’d known as of an hour ago, before I had blurted out what I had not meant to and realized with horror that it was true. But I wasn’t sure I was ready for his assurances just yet.

When I sighed, he gave me a small smile. “It’ll take a while,” he said simply. “I’ll help however I can, if you want me to.”

It felt so bizarre to be sitting here, with Jasper of all people, discussing my coming out.

My coming out
. Holy shit.

But it was kind of him to offer his support. As I already mentioned, we’d never even really talked before. My sneaking glances at him during an entire semester of art class didn’t really count for much in the friendship department. I had never given him any reaction to his letter either, which had probably disappointed him.

Was it stupid that I suddenly felt bad about it, more than four years after the fact?

“Thank you,” I said. I sounded drained and weary to my own ears. “Really, thank you.”

“Yeah,” he replied and slid closer. His arm came around both my shoulders, and the warmth in my belly turned into a full-size bonfire. I figured I could probably get away with leaning my head on his shoulder at this point, so I did. His smell was familiar, subtle and fresh yet earthy somehow. It calmed me a little bit.

“Do you have any questions?” he asked.

I considered it. “What about…”

“What about what?”

The warmth of his body was still comforting, and I pressed myself a little closer. I was still trembling, in about equal parts from nerves, point-blank terror, and Jasper’s proximity. “What about dating? Does it work differently between guys?”

Jasper sighed. He was quiet, probably thinking through the answer before voicing it. I felt his fingers suddenly running through my hair, massaging my scalp with slight pressure. It felt good, and I echoed his sigh as I allowed myself to relax slightly.

“Sometimes,” he began his answer. “Guys tend to be…well, not as big on romance, though there’s always exceptions. I think there’s a larger amount of one-night stands, random hookups and stuff. It’s easy to get laid if you know where to go. But plenty of relationships start out with friendship or dating, pretty much like a straight couple would, at least as far as I know. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it depends on what you’re looking for.”

“Okay,” I said and tried to formulate my next question. The sound of steps nearby caused me to tense. I slid away from Jasper and stared at the door, through which Trip stormed a moment later. He was steaming.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he snapped, ignoring Jasper completely. “You keep running off in the middle of our prom. What the fuck, dude? This is supposed to be
our
night. Nova said you were too drunk to get it up, but you haven’t even been drinking!”

He glared down at me, clearly challenging me. I’d known Trip far too long to be surprised by his confrontational attitude when he was upset; it emerged rather a lot during our baseball games, when it luckily wasn’t directed at me. It still threw me off, though.

“I just didn’t want her, okay? Lay off,” I growled. It was either get mad or die of embarrassment right then, because this was happening in front of Jasper.

“Then why didn’t you just say
no, thanks
, you tool?”

“Because she was all over me!” I threw my arms up, matching Trip’s aggravation. “And I
told
you no, thanks. You just wouldn’t hear it.”

For a long moment, he just looked at me. Then he grabbed my arm and pulled. I let him drag me out of the room but didn’t make it easy for him.

“I don’t know what your deal is,” he growled. “Prom is supposed to be about having fun.”

“I
was
having fun,” I lied.

“What, talking to that emo douche?”

I was so baffled by that descriptor that it took me several seconds to figure out he was talking about Jasper. Desire to drop the subject warred with a sudden compulsion to defend him.

“He’s not emo,” I muttered halfheartedly.

Trip rolled his eyes. “Jesus
fuck
, Bryson.”

“Just shut up,” I snapped, and he finally did.

We made it to a weight room where a large group of people was already assembled. I spotted Elle among them, and Nova, who was sitting on the lap of a big guy called Fletcher. My rejection didn’t appear to have bruised her ego overmuch. As soon as I had stepped up to join them, someone held out a cup to me.

I took it without thinking, had a sip, and choked when it burned all the way down my throat. Vodka, with a little bit of juice thrown in for good measure, apparently.

“Holy hell,” I croaked. Trip elbowed me.

“Don’t be too loud. We still have way too many parents ghosting around the place. And now finish it. C’mon! Down in one!”

He had directed so much attention my way that I didn’t really have a choice in the matter unless I wanted too many people to become aware of the fact that I was having a weird night. So I forced down the remainder of my drink, suppressing a shudder.

Even though I was used to hanging with this crowd, I felt uncomfortable throughout the next half hour as they all goofed off and drank and flirted. There was a disconnect I had never felt before. Trip kept me supplied with alcohol and threw me the occasional wary glance. I wondered whether he was worried or suspicious.

“Hot tub!” Fletcher shouted through the room at one point.

“Yes! Let’s go!” Nova’s expression brightened at the prospect of spending time with a bunch of guys in hot water while wearing very little clothing. The more I studied her, the more glad I was that I had not gone through with that little interlude back at the pool. Not that there was anything wrong with a girl openly liking sex, but…this just wasn’t me. It never had been, and now I knew it.

As everyone filed out of the room, I hung back. There was a bitter taste in my mouth, jealousy toward anyone who could enjoy this night without worries, without fretting about what it meant to be gay, what to do, how to act.

“Coming?” Trip demanded to know, and I nodded. I followed the group obediently, but as soon as Trip’s attention had shifted, I doubled back and made my way toward the rec room instead. I had no idea where Jasper might have gone after Trip had interrupted our earlier conversation, but it felt essential to find him again. I didn’t even question it.

And he
was
in the rec room, I realized as I reached it and peered through the open door. My heart jumped so high I thought it might lodge in my throat. He had taken off his jacket and was now only in his dress pants and shirt, which…God he looked good. The crowd around him was cheering on someone’s game of pool, and he was laughing along, so animated and cheerful, as I’d rarely ever seen him in four and a half years of going to the same school. As I watched, he drained the cup he’d been holding, and by the grimace he made, I guessed there had been alcohol in it.

Eventually Jasper noticed me. He turned his head and gave me a wry, weak smile, nothing more. Careful not to attract attention, I pushed past people I didn’t know, worked my way through the crowd until I had closed in on him. Stepping into his personal space…it felt right. It shouldn’t have, but it felt so right, especially after the visceral reaction I’d had to Nova.

“Sorry about earlier,” I said near his ear, hoping he would be the only one to hear me with the crowd cheering so loudly. Still, he stepped closer until his side and my front were touching.

“Nothing to be sorry about.” He frowned. “What’s up?”

“Can we, um, talk a little more? I mean, I don’t want to ruin your prom, so I understand if—”

He clasped my hand willingly and pulled me along, just like that. We left the crowd behind, exited the room, reached a stairwell. I felt giddy and dizzy and wasn’t even sure why.

“Where are we going?” I demanded to know.

Jasper chewed his lip, obviously thinking. “Somewhere we won’t be overheard or interrupted would be nice, I guess,” he said. His hand was still holding on to mine tightly, as though he had forgotten to let go. I certainly wasn’t going to complain about it.

“I don’t think a place like that exists in this building.”

“Sure it does.” He gave my arm another tug. “Come on.”

We went upstairs, where Jasper finally let go of my hand as we passed by the very occupied racquetball courts and a room full of treadmills. Then we entered a mostly bare and rather tiny gym room with dimmed lights. Jasper didn’t hesitate to approach a dark doorway on the opposite side of the room.

“What’s in there?” I asked cautiously.

“Gymnastics equipment.” He flipped a switch. One dim bulb in a fixture on the wall sprang into action. “I pick up Rayna’s sister here after her training sometimes.”

Together we made it past several wooden bars and onto an enormous pile of mats. Sitting there, so near the ceiling, really did make me feel like we had found a supersecret meeting spot. The light barely even reached us up there.

“All right.” Jasper stretched out his legs, leaned back onto his forearms, and looked at me. “What else did you want to talk about?”

I swallowed, hard and painfully. My stomach seemed to be in protest of what I was about to do, twitching and spasming. I tried my best to ignore it.

“I wanted to ask you something personal.” I was actually shaking a little.

“Yeah?”

“Back then—”

“Back when?”

“In eighth grade.” I couldn’t believe I was actually going to do this. I took a slow, deep breath and forced it out along with the next few words. “Did you really think I was beautiful?”

For a moment that felt like an eternity, I waited in silence.

“Holy shit,” Jasper said. His voice was brittle. “You…you remember that note?”

“Yes.” I desperately tried to moisten my dry mouth.

“Wow.” He had turned his head away from me, which was too bad because I would have given a lot to be able to see his expression just then. His next words were much quieter. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited. There was nothing else I could think to say until he answered the question.

“I still think you are.”

It took me a moment to make sense of Jasper’s words. When I finally did, I felt like I was simultaneously frozen and burning up with pleasure. Breathing deeply, swimming in the feeling, I tried to figure out what to say next. It had been an intimate question I’d demanded he answer. It would only be fitting to share something intimate in return.

“I still have that note,” I confessed, staring down between my knees at the dark mat I was sitting on. “I…I still read it sometimes, and every time, I think it was a brave thing to say to me, and I wish I could have given you a response, at least said thanks. But I figure…maybe you…maybe it’s okay if I do it now? Because you’re beautiful too. I think that every time I watch you draw something or sculpt something, when you sit there and I know you want to make it perfect, and your hair falls into your eyes, and you kinda clench your jaw, and your eyes look like the ocean, and sometimes…sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, but it’s okay because everything about it is beautiful.”