Plain Fear: Forgiven: A Novel (19 page)

Samuel had changed.

Instinctively, Andi recognized the signs. It wasn’t just that he wore traditional Amish attire, when she’d become accustomed to seeing him in jeans and T-shirts. His resigned facial expression turned the corners of his mouth downward rather than his usual affable smile. His reluctant footsteps brought him closer to her but not close enough. Maybe this wouldn’t be as easy as she had anticipated.

And those weren’t all of the changes she saw in Samuel. He didn’t reach for her, didn’t offer a hug, not even a greeting. His eyes were cold and flat.

“This place wasn’t easy to find,” she said but immediately regretted it. Maybe she should have started with a simple hi. But it was too late. Maybe the psychic had been right. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. But she had. So she lifted her chin a notch, defying Samuel to pretend he didn’t know her.

Behind Samuel, the Amish man who had greeted her looked on from the porch. She moved toward Samuel but realized she was only making this worse.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his tone flat.

Anger fired inside her in response to his coldness. “Actually, I thought I was doing you a favor. But I was wrong. I can find my way home just fine.” She turned back to her Yaris.

“Andi…wait.”

But she ignored him and jerked open the driver’s door.

“I’m sorry. You surprised me is all. I wasn’t expecting you.”

She hesitated but didn’t close the door. “I sort of surprised myself coming here.”

“What’s going on?” he asked, his words and tone even.

“That research you were doing, remember? Well, I did some of my own. And I found some information I thought you might want.”

He rubbed a hand over his clean-shaven jaw. “Maybe we should start again.” A slow smile emerged. “Hi.”

She rewarded him with a hesitant smile of her own. “Hi.” She’d make Samuel want her, come to her, so she resisted reaching for him. Not yet. Patience. “How have you been?”

“Good.” He nodded. “Busy.”

“And your brother? He’s getting better?”

“Levi is stronger every day. You met him,
ja
?”

She brushed his sleeve with the tip of her finger. “Since he’s getting around now on his own, will you be coming home soon?”

“It’s complicated.” Samuel rubbed the back of his neck. “You said you had information for me, something about my brother, Jacob?”

“Can you get away for a couple of days?”

Don’t push.
She heard the voice in her head and rebuffed it. She knew what she was doing.

Samuel ducked his head. “I don’t know that it’s a good time.”

Irritated with herself and even more so with Brydon, she waved her hand toward the fields. “You’ve probably got chores. I could come back this evening and we can discuss it.”

“Maybe I could meet you.”

She smiled.
Perfect.
Some secluded spot would be better. She’d have more weapons in her arsenal to use in convincing him. “Works for me.”

Naomi’s heart pumped in an unsteady rhythm, jerking ahead before slowing.
What
was
wrong
with
her?
While Hannah held one baby and Levi the other, Naomi tried to focus on cleaning the dishes. Through breakfast, she had smiled and fussed over the babies and forced down as much food as she could, all the while her mind lingered on what Samuel was doing outside. With that woman.

Who was she? An
English
woman, at that. One who drove a car. According to Levi, she’d come all the way from Ohio. What kind of a woman struck out on her own like that?

The
same
kind
of
woman
, Naomi realized,
who
let
her
heart
lead
her
. The way she had about Samuel. There was no understanding between Samuel and her. He’d walked her home a few times, kissed her even, and yet he’d made no promises. But even so, she’d carelessly allowed her heart to gallop ahead, unrestrained.

Her older sister had her heart broken over a man who chose another as his wife. It had taken Lizzie months of heartache to move on and turn her attention toward someone else. Naomi had vowed not to let that happen to her. But something odd had happened since Samuel had arrived here. He’d rushed in to help his brother, risen early each day, worked hard in the barn and fields, and been kind enough to see her home at night. Other young men she knew seemed so sure of themselves, so confident in their purpose and beliefs, sometimes overly confident, that it had been refreshing to hear Samuel’s doubts expressed honestly.

Eager to banish those thoughts, she removed the dishes from the table and scraped the plates into the sink. Standing in front of the window, she caught a glimpse of the
English
woman. A snug top outlined her feminine assets and even tighter blue denims rode low on her hips, revealing a wide expanse of flesh. Morning sunlight poured over those long auburn waves, worn loose around the woman’s shoulders, her glory revealed for all to see. Dark glasses hid her eyes and gave her a mysterious and alluring look. Worse, the woman edged closer to Samuel, placing a hand against his chest in a familiar way that made Naomi’s stomach clench.

Heat burned her cheeks, and she turned away from the sink and refused to spy on them. It wasn’t her business. She would not judge either Samuel or this woman. But she caught an intimate moment between Levi and Hannah as he leaned toward his wife, brushed a finger along her neck, and kissed her on the mouth. Tears surged inside Naomi, and she fled the room.

She found herself in Samuel’s bedroom. Flustered, she turned to leave but heard Hannah ask Levi, “You reckon Naomi’s all right?”

Determined to prove she was fine, she straightened the sheets on the single bed and pulled the quilt toward the pillow. Smoothing her hand over the soft fabric, she imagined touching Samuel’s blond hair. The dangerous thought prickled her skin.

Rushing on to avoid thoughts that took her down a rocky path, she detoured into Hannah and Levi’s room. She fussed with the crib sheets until her breathing calmed and her heart settled into its normal rhythm.
What
was
wrong
with
her? Why was she so desperate for love? Was she that lonely?
Covering her heart with her hands and twining her fingers with the ties of her prayer
kapp
, she whispered a prayer to the good Lord, laying her wishes and needs in His hands.

His back pressed against the tree trunk. Shaded by the overarching branches and thick foliage, Brydon watched the lonely two-lane road. A slight breeze ruffled the leaves overhead.

Snatching a blade of tall grass, he creased it between his fingers, digging his thumbnail along the central vein. It hadn’t taken long to put his plan into action. Of course, it would be all too easy to race into Promise and simply kill Akiva’s brothers, Levi and Samuel. Then Roc Girouard would give chase. But what would be the fun in that?

Death wasn’t the revenge he sought. It would have to do for the older brother. There wasn’t any alternative for him, since he’d chosen a path that could not be diverted. But the younger brother, Samuel? Ah, he had plans for him. Plans that would twist Akiva’s black soul.

At the rumbling sound of a car motor, he tossed away the blade of grass. The Toyota Yaris puttered toward him, and he wished she’d at least had the perk of a better car. It slowly passed him before pulling off the road into patches of grass. It idled for a few moments until the driver’s door opened.

There was a spring to her step as Andi alighted. She left the door open, the engine running.

Brydon pushed away from the tree’s trunk and walked out of the shadows toward her. “You pushed too hard.”

She raised her sunglasses and met his dark gaze with her own. “I know Samuel, how he responds. We’re meeting tonight.”

It had only been a couple of days since her awakening, but she had adapted very well. Still, she could not be trusted. “If that’s the best you could do.”

She crossed her arms over her stomach. “Why can’t I change him here? Why do I have to take him all the way to New York?”

Brydon’s gaze narrowed. He didn’t like to be questioned. He didn’t like to have to explain his reason, motives, or plans. But he needed her cooperation. “When Samuel goes with you, Roc will follow.”

“Will you meet us in New York?”

“No.”

Her jaw jutted back. “Why not? I thought—”

“I have something else I must do.”

“But—”

He cupped her jaw firmly. “We will rendezvous later.”

“What about Samuel?”

“You said you know him.” He tossed her own words back at her. “You can handle him, can’t you?”

“But you said the change can be dangerous, that if I didn’t have patience…that my hunger could get out of control…”

He pressed a finger to her lips and caressed the soft, pliable skin. “You will be careful.”

She touched him boldly, her fingers skimming over his shoulders as she wrapped her arms around him, her fingers seeking out the faint scars along his neck. “Who changed you?”

He shrugged. “We all have the same birthmark. Doesn’t matter anymore.” He placed his hands on her bare midriff. “But neither of us had the baggage Samuel carries. All that religiosity. Still, he’s questioning. And that’s good enough for now.”

“But what if he chooses”—she drew her bottom lip between her white teeth—“another life.”

“It’s up to you to make sure he doesn’t.” Brydon pulled her against him, his hands cupping her backside. “But from what I’ve seen, you’re very persuasive.”

She brushed her lips along his jaw. “Is it time?”

He chuckled. “You’re insatiable.”

“Please.” Her breath felt hot and moist on his skin.

“All right. You pick where you want to dine.”

“Ooh, a date.”

In late afternoon, promising himself he’d return from meeting Andi in time to walk Naomi home, Samuel parked his motorcycle far away from the road and walked around the house toward the barn. Rachel struggled with a hefty load of laundry. He hurried toward her, taking the basket in his arms.

“
Danke
, Samuel.” She shook her head as if admonishing herself. “Thank you,” she repeated, this time in clear, unrepentant
English
. “Old habits are hard to break.” Her cheeks flushed. “Don’t get me wrong. There’s not a law that I can’t speak the way we were raised but…”

Samuel lifted his eyebrows, waiting for her to finish.

She gave a slight, awkward shrug. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“I reckon Roc prefers you speak only
English
.”

“He’s never said. I don’t think he cares much one way or the other. He’s understanding, and he’s fine with David learning both. I still have family speaking the old way.”

“But you don’t see them much. Or do you?”

Her gaze dropped for a long, awkward moment. “Not as much as I would like. My folks not at all. But Hannah I’ve seen some.”

He thought of Mamm and Pop back in Ohio. He missed his mother, her eagerness to please and help, her soft heart and kindness. But the shadow of anger toward his father overrode the softer emotions. “You miss your family?”

“Awful much.”

Samuel understood. He’d felt the same being separated from Levi and worse when Jacob had died. Still, he struggled over the loss of Jacob and whether he would ever see his brother again, in another life. He stared at the ground before he got up the courage to ask, “What did they say when you left to marry Roc?” He nudged a rock with the toe of his boot. “I’m sorry for asking, Rachel. It’s none of my business but—” His throat tightened and closed off any excuses.

She placed a hand on his forearm. “I understand, Samuel. Of course, Mamm and Dat were upset. I’d been baptized, and so it’s all the more complicated. I’m being shunned. I can’t go to their house. They’re not to speak to me. And”—her voice became pinched—“well, I miss them. I wish they could see David. But I understand that they don’t want to get into trouble. I worry for Levi and Hannah, that our seeing them occasionally will get them shunned as well.” She lifted one of Roc’s shirts out of the basket and hung it on the line, attaching it with wooden clothespins. “Are you thinking of leaving?”

He looked across at the training center. “It’s crossed my mind. I won’t deny that. My being here, training with Roc’s team, is testament.”

“It’s not an easy decision.”

“I don’t want to think about what my folks will say if I do. Pop will rail that I’m headed straight for eternal hell.” He could have swallowed his tongue. “I’m sorry, Rachel, I didn’t mean to say…that you…well, that—”

“It’s all right, Samuel. I’m not offended. I struggled with that myself before and after I left. We both know someone who has left. Some left the faith altogether. Others just wanted to live in the
English
world, go to school, get a job. Many are still believers, but they don’t adhere to the old ways. Still, some of their folks have told them they’re heading for eternal hell. Mamm and Dat haven’t said that to me. I hope they don’t believe it because I don’t.”

She lifted a pair of jeans and attached them to the line, her fingers moving deftly, but her gaze drifted sideways. “I don’t believe I’m going to eternal hell. I believe the same as I always have…in Jesus…in God the Father. Do I think God wouldn’t let me in heaven because I don’t dress a certain way or that I drive a car on occasion?” She shook her head. “No, I don’t believe that. Still, I’ve been asking a lot of questions, talking to Father Roberto. He’s very educated, you know. He’s tried to explain things to me from both the Catholic and Protestant views.”

“What have you learned?”

“I’m no expert, and I’m not sure I reckon all that he’s tried to teach me. But I read and I pray. Since marrying Roc and moving here and starting the center, I’ve read more of the Bible than I ever have in my life. Read it for myself.”

Samuel handed her another shirt and kept handing her clothes, moving down the line with her.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Samuel, and realizing that many of the Amish believe in salvation but act like works get them to heaven. Remember, even the demons believe in Jesus. The difference is, I fall at his mercy, ask forgiveness for my sins. There is nothing good I can do to make up for the bad I’ve done. Only Jesus’s blood can cleanse me of my sins. And since he has, then whatever happens in this life, I’m heaven bound.” She smiled back at him, as if it were a relief to grasp that, then her smile faded. “I know you’re struggling with all of this, Samuel, and there is much to consider.”

“There is.”

“God will reveal His plan when it’s time.”

“Do you miss our ways? The simple, plain ways.”

“Oh,
ja
. Yes.” She laughed at herself. “Of course. And yet, I have to say I like the washing machine Roc bought for me. I still prefer sun-dried clothes though.” A sly smile spread across her face. “And”—she looked sheepishly at him—“I like driving a car too.”

Samuel laughed.

For a few moments they silently hung the clothes on the line. When the basket was empty, Rachel picked it up. Together, they began to walk toward the house. “Are you comfortable here, Samuel?”

“
Ja
. Well, as comfortable as I can be straddling this fence—one foot at Levi’s and one foot here.”

She nodded. “I reckon you’re missing your folks and friends back in Ohio.”

“I’m glad to be with Levi again after so long though.”

“Oh, yes. I’m glad for the both of you.”

He stopped halfway to the house. “I should be going.” He hooked his thumb toward the barn. “I have an errand to run.”

“Of course. It was good talking to you. And thank you again for the help.”

“Same here, Rachel.” He took one step but stopped again. “Do you know what it feels like?”

“What’s that?”

“When I was young, I felt so free, running outdoors in my bare feet. But as I grew up and learned all the dos and don’ts, I felt penned in, like a horse or pig or chicken.”

“Those fences are there to keep them safe, Samuel,” she admonished.

“I know. And God’s laws are like that. But maybe you and Roc have the right approach. You’re living the way you want, without a bunch of rules other than what God set forth, and so maybe you understand true freedom.”

Her smile was answer enough.

***

With the sun dropping, shadows lengthening and deepening, the sky bled over the horizon. He drove his motorcycle out toward Lincoln Highway, taking a turnoff, and veering another onto a narrow road usually traversed by horse and buggy. Andi had said she was staying at a bed and breakfast nearby.

When he reached the tiny Amish school, which he remembered so well, he turned at the corner and came to a dead stop. He moved not a muscle, yet his heart raced. The motorcycle hummed and vibrated beneath him. Darkness crept over him.
Why
here? Was it a cruel joke?
Did
Andi
not
know
the
significance
of
this
location?

Swathed in the souls that seemed to linger, waiting, watching, wondering when would be their chance to rise, the cemetery stood in the heart of the district. Weathered stones held silent testimony of those who had hoped and dreamed, walked this earth, worked this soil, lived, and died. Some markers stood straight, rock solid, as many of these Amish had withstood oppression and prejudice, and others tilted at odd angles, the ground beneath them shifting and uncertain. Samuel wondered if any of those buried here, some his own relatives, had ever wavered in their beliefs.

He maneuvered his motorcycle off the road and onto the slanted edge of dirt, rock, and sprigs of green grass. Memories pushed into his consciousness. His grandparents, Amos and Martha Fisher, had been stoic, never complaining about arthritic hands or infirmities brought on by old age. When Jacob had spouted out his shocking questions and doubts, their lips had thinned, but they had refrained from saying anything. But should they have?

He remembered the cloudy morning Pop gathered Levi, Mamm, and Samuel in the cemetery around a freshly dug grave. The wooden casket lay at the base. Pop could barely speak. Mamm cried into her apron. No friends attended. No one else knew Jacob was gone—not yet anyway.

Even now, he felt the same stark emotions tighten his throat. Even though it had been a lie then, it was truth now. Although Jacob’s body had never been buried here, his ashes had blackened a field back in Ohio.

The charcoal sky darkened, the last rays of sunlight snuffed out as if a giant artist rubbed a fist over a pencil drawing, smudging lines, smearing distinctions. A soft breeze stirred the grass around him. He felt alone. Lost. Not that he didn’t know where on a map he was, but lost in the sense of where he was in life.

He imagined all the arguments Roberto and Roc would have against him being here in an isolated field. Their warnings shot through his mind.
This
was
not
a
good
idea.

Yet, here he was. He took one step back toward the motorcycle when he heard his name like a whisper.
Samuel
.

He searched the road but saw nothing, no one. He called out, “Andi?”

“Samuel.” The voice came from the graves.

He whirled around. Andi stood only a couple of feet from him, silhouetted in a shroud of darkness, her shadowed eyes looked like deep black pools.

“Where did you come from?” he asked, startled.

“Ohio. Remember? I’ve been waiting here for you.” She closed the gap between them and placed her hands gently against his chest. Her breathing sounded uneven. Her heady scent enveloped him. Something about her was different. If he hadn’t known her so well, he wasn’t sure he would have recognized her. Which seemed crazy because she looked the same. She felt the same. But her scent had a deeper quality. Earthier. Her voice sounded more exotic.

Or maybe he had changed. He knew his heart had.

“I’ve missed you, Samuel.” She breathed the words against his lips.

Her kiss was light but provocative. His hands automatically lifted to her waist. But he didn’t want to pull her close. Instead, he wanted to push her away. “Andi, I, uh—”

Her open mouth grazed his jaw and brushed along his neck. “Have you missed me?”

What
could
he
say? Had he missed her? Really?
He hadn’t. And yet, something about her was so familiar. It felt like falling into water, at first shocking, then floundering and finally relaxing and moving in a timeless manner that seemed as ancient as the stars above. Their bodies knew instinctively how to come together. The problem was not his body but his mind…even his heart.

“Andi”—his hands tightened on her waist and his arms straightened to put distance between them—“what did you come all this way to tell me?”

Brushing back her hair, she released a sigh. “Don’t you want me anymore?”

“I just want to know what you came here for. Can’t we talk? Or do we only know how to—”

“What if I came here for you?” She tilted her chin downward and set a weighty gaze upon him.

For a moment he felt as if he was falling. And he would not. Frustrated with her, with himself, he forced himself to look away from her. She held no answers for him. He stared up at the stars searching for an answer. “But that’s not what you said. You said—”

“I came here to help you.”

“How?”

“You were looking into your brother’s death”—irritation hardened her tone—“into the path he chose.”

“I still am.”

“Have you found anything?” she asked.

“I’ve found—” He hesitated, not eager to share about Roc and his training center. Yet it was more than that. Something restrained him.
Could
he
trust
her?
He decided on another track. “I haven’t had much time for reading or research.” Which was true. He hadn’t even had time to search through Jacob’s book. Yet he wondered if he’d begun to lose the desire to know more. Maybe he’d begun to accept the loss. Or maybe he’d simply been distracted.

“Well, I’ve had lots of time,” she said, “and you won’t believe what I’ve discovered.”

Having diverted her attention off sex for the moment, he breathed easier. “What’s that?”

“I know this is going to sound kind of crazy, and I’m not even sure I could tell you how I got to this conclusion, but do you know anything about…vampires?” Her voice dipped seductively on the last word and it resonated through him.

It felt like the first time he’d visited Roc’s home and had fallen through the floorboards of the front porch, his breath knocked out of him.

“You have, haven’t you?” She placed a hand on his arm, an urgency pressing her fingers tight against his skin. “It’s okay. I’ve been learning all about it myself.”

Samuel felt as if he was being shaken from the inside out.

“What if your brother was into some cult like that? Do you think it’s possible?”

He cleared his throat, tried to find his voice. “Maybe.”

She tugged on his arm. “Then you have to come with me.”

He held firm. “What? Why?”

“New York.” Her grip possessed more strength. “It’s not as far as you think. There’s a coven”—she touched the dip at the base of her throat where he knew her pulse throbbed—“and from what I can gather, they’re just a normal group of teens. Nothing bad or evil. No hocus-pocus kind of stuff. Still, it might help you—”

Her words rushed over him as her gaze probed his, and he felt disoriented, breathless. “When do you want to go?”

She looked as surprised as he was by his question. She stepped closer to him, her eagerness radiating off her. “How about now? Tonight.”

“But—”

“It’s only a couple of hours’ drive.”