Pigs Have Wings (21 page)

Seated on the settee with Gally at his side, his face registering sympathetic interest, Lord Vosper seemed to find a difficulty in beginning his story.

‘Do you play tennis?’ he said at length.

‘I was wondering if you were going to ask me that,’ said Gally. ‘I suppose you’re going to ask me next if I’ve read any good books lately?’

Lord Vosper blushed apologetically. He saw that he had selected the wrong opening for his narrative.

‘I don’t mean so much “Do you play tennis” as would you believe that a great romance could be wrecked on the tennis court?’

‘Ah, now you’re talking. Good heavens, yes. My old friend Buffy Struggles was at one time engaged to a girl who was a keen tennis player, and she returned the ring and letters because, when they were partnered in the mixed doubles one day, he insisted on charging into her half of the court and poaching her shots. And before he could effect a reconciliation, he was run over by a hansom cab in Piccadilly and killed instantaneously.’

‘Great Scott!’ Lord Vosper was staring, amazed. ‘Why, that’s exactly what happened to me.’

‘Were you killed by a hansom cab?’

‘No, but I was engaged to a girl, and she broke it off because I poached her shots.’

‘Ah, I see. I misunderstood you. When did this happen?’

‘About two months ago.’

‘But you’ve only been engaged to Penny Donaldson two or three days.’

‘I’m not talking about Penny Donaldson, I’m talking about Gloria Salt.’

‘You mean you were engaged to Gloria Salt?’

‘I still am.’

‘But you’re engaged to Penny Donaldson.’

‘I know. That’s the trouble. I’m engaged to both of them.’

Gally removed his monocle and polished it. He found his companion’s story, though full of human interest, a little difficult to follow.

‘Intricate,’ he said.

‘It is a bit,’ agreed Lord Vosper. ‘I’d better take you through it step by step. I was engaged to Gloria, and she gave me the push. You’ve got that?’

‘I’ve got it.’

‘I then became engaged to Penny. All straight so far?’

‘Quite straight. By way of a defiant sort of gesture, I suppose?’

‘Well, more or less by way of a defiant sort of gesture, no doubt, though of course I’m very fond of her. Nice girl.’

‘Very.’

‘I asked her to marry me in London, when I was giving her a bite of dinner at Mario’s, and she seemed to like the idea, so that was the position when we got back here. And all might have been well, had not Gloria suddenly blown in.’

‘I begin to understand. Seeing her once more, you found that the old love still lingered?’

‘That’s right. And it had lingered in her, too. Like the dickens, apparently. I didn’t know it till tonight, but she also was racked with remorse because she felt that she had chucked away a life’s happiness.’

‘How did it happen to dawn on you tonight?’

‘I was taking a stroll in the garden, and I came upon her weeping bitterly in the moonlight. Well, naturally that struck me as odd, so I said “Oh, hullo. Is anything up?” and she said “Oh, Orlo!” and it all came out. And then … well, one thing led to another, don’t you know, and before we knew where we were, we were in each other’s arms.’

‘Murmuring brokenly?’

‘That’s right, and I don’t mind telling you I hope you will have something to suggest, because at the moment you wouldn’t be far out in describing me as nonplussed.’

Gally nodded.

‘I see your difficulty. You are a man of honour, and you feel that you are bound to Penny?’

‘That’s right.’

‘But your heart belongs to Daddy.’

‘Eh?’

‘I mean to Gloria. You love this Salt?’

‘That’s right.’

‘Well, these things happen. Nobody is to blame. There’s only one thing for you to do, as I see it. You will have to explain the situation to Penny.’

‘I suppose so. I hope she won’t mind.’

‘I hope not. Still, she should be informed, I think.’

‘So does Gloria. She told me to go and tell her.’

‘Not a pleasant job having to give a warm-hearted young girl the push.’

‘No.’

‘Perhaps you would prefer that some kindly third party broke the news?’

Lord Vosper started.

‘I say! Would you?’

‘I was not thinking of myself. The man I had in mind was … Ah, here he is in person, right on cue,’ said Gally, as the door opened and Jerry entered. ‘Jerry, our friend Vosper here is in something of a dilemma, or quandary, as it is sometimes called. He has become betrothed to Gloria Salt, and, as you are aware, he is also betrothed to Penny Donaldson, and he is looking for a silver-tongued intermediary to take on the job of explaining to Penny that he will not be at liberty to go through with his commitments to her. I thought you might be just the man, you being a mutual friend of both parties. I will leave you to discuss it. If you want me, you will find me on the terrace.’

The moon, shining down on the terrace, illuminated a female figure seated in a deck chair, and Gally’s heart, though a stout one, skipped a beat. Then he saw that it was not, as for a moment he had supposed, his sister Constance, but his young friend Penny Donaldson.

‘Hullo there, Penny,’ he said, taking the chair at her side. ‘Well, we are living in stirring times these days. Did Beach tell you about that pig of Parsloe’s?’

‘Yes.’

‘He got it away all right and put it in the house Fruity Biffen used to have.’

‘Yes.’

‘Extraordinary bit of luck Wellbeloved thinking I was Parsloe and pouring out his heart to me over the telephone.’

‘Yes,’ said Penny.

Gally gave her a quick look. Her voice had had a dull, metallic note, and eyeing her he saw that her brow was clouded and the corners of her mouth drawn down as though the soul were in pain.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked. ‘You seem depressed.’

‘I am.’

‘Well, I’ve got some news for you that will cheer you up. I’ve just been talking to my Lord Vosper.’

‘Oh?’

‘And what do you think? He wants to call the whole thing off.’

‘To do what?’

‘Cancel the engagement, countermand the wedding cake. He’s going to marry the Salt girl. It seems that they were like ham and eggs before you entered his life, but the frail bark of love came a stinker on the rocks. It has now been floated off and patched up and a marriage has been arranged and will shortly take place. He was a bit apologetic about it, and hoped you wouldn’t mind, but he made it quite clear that that was how matters stood. So you are back in circulation and free to carry on with Jerry along the lines originally planned.’

‘I see.’

Gally was hurt. He was feeling as the men who brought the good news from Aix to Ghent would have felt if the citizens of Ghent had received them at the end of their journey with a yawn and an ‘Oh, yes?’

‘Well, I’m dashed!’ he said disapprovingly. ‘I must say I expected a little more leaping about and clapping the hands in girlish glee. I might be telling you it’s a nice evening.’

Penny heaved a sigh.

‘It’s the most loathsome evening there ever was. Do you know what’s happened, Gally? Jerry’s been fired.’

‘Eh?’

‘Given the gate. Driven into the snow. Lady Constance says if he isn’t out of the place first thing tomorrow morning –’

‘What?’

‘– she’ll set the dogs on him.’

Gally’s monocle, leaping from the parent eye socket, flashed in the moonlight. He drew it in like an angler gaffing a fish, and having replaced it stared at her uncomprehendingly.

‘What on earth are you talking about?’

‘I’m telling you.’

‘But it doesn’t make sense. What’s Connie got against Jerry?’

‘She didn’t like it when she found him in her closet.’

‘In her
what
?’

‘Well, cupboard, then, if you prefer it. The cupboard in her bedroom.’

‘What the dickens was he doing in the cupboard in Connie’s bedroom?’

‘Hiding.’

Gally gaped.

‘Hiding?’

‘Yes.’

‘In the cupboard?’

‘Yes.’

‘In Connie’s bedroom?’

‘Yes.’

A theory that would cover the facts came to Gally.

‘This young man of yours isn’t a little weak in the head, is he?’

‘No, he isn’t a little weak in the head. Lord Emsworth seems to be.’

‘Quite,’ said Gally, conceding this obvious truth. ‘But how does Clarence come into it?’

Penny began to explain in a low, toneless voice. One cannot expect of a girl whose hopes and dreams have been shattered that her voice shall be resonant and bell-like.

‘Jerry has been telling me about it. It started with Lord Emsworth writing a letter to your friend Maudie.’

‘W –?’ began Gally, and checked himself. Much as he would have liked to know what his brother had been writing letters to Maudie about, this was no time for interruptions.

‘He gave it to Jerry and told him to put it in her room. Jerry asked which was her room, and he said the second on the right along the corridor. So Jerry put the letter there, and then Lord Emsworth told him to go and bring it back.’

Gally was obliged to interrupt.

‘Why?’

‘He didn’t say why.’

‘I see. Go on.’

‘Well, Jerry went to get the letter, and he’d just got it when he heard someone outside the door. So of course he hid. Naturally he didn’t want to be found there. He dived into the cupboard, and I suppose he must have made a noise, because the cupboard door was whipped open, and there was Lady Constance.’

‘But what was Connie doing in Maudie’s room?’

‘It wasn’t Maudie’s room. It was Lady Constance’s room. After he had finished talking to Lady Constance – or after she had finished talking to him – Jerry went back to Lord Emsworth, and Lord Emsworth, having heard the facts, smote his brow and said “Did I say the second door on the right? I meant second door on the left. That is how the mistake arose.”’

Gally clicked his tongue.

‘There you have Clarence in a nutshell,’ he said. ‘There is a school of thought that holds that he got that way from being dropped on his head when a baby. I maintain that when you have a baby like Clarence, you don’t need to drop it on its head. You just let Nature take its course and it develops automatically into the sort of man who says “right” when he means “left”. I suppose Jerry was annoyed?’

‘A little. Not too well pleased. In fact, he called Lord Emsworth a muddleheaded old ass and said he ought to be in a padded cell. And if you’re going to ask me if that annoyed Lord Emsworth, the answer is in the affirmative. They parted on distant terms. So Jerry’s chances of ingratiating himself with the dear old man with a view to leading up to saying “Brother, can you spare two thousand pounds?” seem pretty dim, don’t you feel? Well, I think I’ll be strolling along to the lake.’

‘What are you going to do there?’

‘Just drown myself. It’ll pass the time.’

Before Gally could ask her if this was the old Donaldson spirit – he had only got as far as a pained ‘Tut, tut’ – a figure came droopingly along the terrace.

‘Ah, Jerry,’ said Gally. ‘Finished your chat? I’ve just been telling Penny about the Vosper-Salt situation, and she has been telling me about your misadventure. Too bad. What are you planning to do now?’

Jerry stared dully.

‘I’m going back to London.’

‘Ridiculous.’

‘What else can I do?’

Gally snorted. It seemed to him that the younger generation was totally lacking in the will to win.

‘Why, stick around, of course. You’re not licked yet. Who knows what the morrow may bring forth? London, forsooth! You’re going to take a room at the Emsworth Arms and wait to see what turns up.’

Jerry brightened a little.

‘It’s not a bad idea.’

‘It’s a splendid idea,’ said Penny. ‘You can come prowling about the grounds, and I’ll meet you.’

‘So I can.’

‘The rose garden would be a good place.’

‘None better. Expect me among the roses at an early date. You’ll be there?’

‘With bells on.’

‘Darling!’

‘Angel!’

‘I was rather thinking that the conversation might work round to some such point before long,’ said Gally. ‘So there you are, my boy. It’s always foolish to despair. You ought to know that. Penny has been giving me some of your stories to read, and a thing that struck me about them was that on every occasion, despite master criminals, pock-marked Mexicans, shots in the night, and cobras down the chimney, true love triumphed in the end. Do you remember a thing of yours called
A Quick Bier for Barney?
Well, the hero of that story got his girl though up against a bunch of thugs who would have considered my sister Constance very small-time stuff. And now, as the last thing you’ll want at a moment like this is an old gargoyle like me hanging around, I’ll say good night.’

He toddled off. He was feeling at the top of his form again and thinking that now would be an admirable time to go and see Connie and put it across her properly. His prejudice against vulgar brawls had vanished. He felt just in the mood for a brawl, and the vulgarer it was, the better he would like it.

At nine o’clock on the following night Beach, seated in his pantry, was endeavouring with the aid of a glass of port to still the turmoil which recent events at Blandings Castle had engendered in his soul, and not making much of a go of it. Port, usually an unfailing specific, seemed for once to have lost its magic.

Beach was no weakling, but he had begun to feel that too much was being asked of one who, though always desirous of giving satisfaction, liked to draw the line somewhere. A butler who has been compelled to introduce his niece into his employer’s home under a false name and, on top of that, to remove a stolen pig from a gamekeeper’s cottage in a west wood and convey it across country to the detached villa Sunnybrae on the Shrewsbury road is a butler who feels that enough is sufficient. There were dark circles under Beach’s eyes and he found himself starting at sudden noises. And it did not improve his state of mind that he had a tender heart and winced at the spectacle of all the sadness he saw around him.

A conversation he had had with Penny this evening had affected him deeply, and the sight of Lord Emsworth at dinner had plunged him still further in gloom. It had no longer been possible to withhold from Lord Emsworth the facts relating to Empress of Blandings, and it had been obvious to Beach, watching him at the meal, that the various courses were turning to ashes in his mouth.