Pig City (6 page)

“I think we should ask boys to join Pig City,” said Laura.

Tiffany dropped her pickle.

The three girls watched it roll across the floor and under the television.

Allison said, “Um, well, who do you have in mind, Laura?”

Laura didn't want to play her hand too quickly. “We should ask three boys,” she said. “We should each pick one.”

Allison looked down at the floor. Tiffany stared up at the ceiling.

“We made Yolanda pick a boy,” said Laura. “If she can do it, why can't we?”

Tiffany and Allison remained silent.

“They'll have to give insurance,” said Laura, “just like everybody else.”

That was the clincher. Smiles formed on the faces of her two best friends.

“Who picks first?” asked Tiffany.

“You can, if you want,” said Allison.

“I didn't say I wanted to,” said Tiffany.

“Well, do you?” asked Laura.

“I don't know,” said Tiffany.

“Go ahead, Tiffany,” said Allison. “Who do you pick?”

Tiffany started to giggle.

“If you don't choose,” said Laura, “Allison or I might pick the boy you want.”

Tiffany stopped giggling. A glow came to her cheeks and there was a sparkle in her eyes. “Nathan,” she said sweetly.

Laura and Allison laughed.

“What's so funny about Nathan!” Tiffany demanded.

“Nothing,” said Laura. “It was just the way you said it.”

“I just said, ‘Nathan,'” said Tiffany.

They laughed again. Tiffany laughed, too.

“Okee-dokee-do!” said Allison.

Okee-dokee-do was one of Nathan's favorite expressions.

“Your turn, Allison,” Tiffany said sharply. “Who do you choose?”

“Oh, I don't know,” said Allison. “I can't think of any boy I especially like.”

“How about Carl?” suggested Tiffany.

“No. I don't know,” said Allison.

“How about Aaron?” asked Laura knowingly.

Allison blushed. “Aaron? It doesn't matter to me. Okay, Aaron.”

“How about Jonathan?” suggested Tiffany.

“No,” said Allison, “Yolanda wrote Jonathan a note.
I guess Aaron will be okay.”

“How about Paul?” suggested Tiffany.

“I said ‘Aaron!'” Allison snapped at her.

Tiffany's mouth dropped open. She covered it with the palm of her hand and stared at Allison, wide-eyed. She took her hand away and said, “You like Aaron, don't you?”

Allison shrugged. “He's okay. He dresses nice.”

Laura and Tiffany broke up laughing. “His grandmother picks out his clothes!” said Tiffany.

“Your turn, Laura,” Allison said brusquely.

“Who do you pick, Laura?” asked Tiffany.

Laura lifted her cap off her head, brushed her hair off her face, and put the cap back on. “Gabriel.”

Tiffany and Allison were too stunned to laugh.

“I thought you hated Gabriel,” said Allison.

“I think Gabriel will be a loyal citizen of Pig City,” Laura asserted.

“You said he looked like a two-headed frog,” said Tiffany.

“So,” said Laura, “maybe I like two-headed frogs.” Her friends laughed.

“Aaron's got nice eyes,” Allison said sweetly.

“Nathan's as cute as a bug,” said Tiffany.

It wasn't easy trying to think up insurance for boys. They couldn't ask a boy to give them a pair of his underpants. They didn't want to ask a boy they liked to call up another girl and tell her he loved her.

These were some other ideas they thought up, then rejected for obvious reasons:

Paint nail polish on their toenails. Then, we'll take off their shoes if they tell anybody about Pig City. (Tiffany)

Tell them to buy baby dolls at the toy store. Then show the dolls to everyone if they tell anyone about Pig City. (Laura)

Make them give us all their socks. Then we'll meet them before school every day and give them their pair of socks for the day. If they tell anybody about Pig City, we'll give them socks that don't match! (Allison)

Make them drink poison. They have to drink the antidote every day for the rest of their lives or else they'll die. We'll be the only ones who have the
antidote. If they tell anybody about Pig City, they die! It doesn't really have to be poison. We can make it ourselves using prune juice, vanilla, and food coloring. They might think that it's not really poison, but they wouldn't know for sure. Instead of saying it's poison, we can tell them it's a magic love potion. If they don't take the antidote every day, they'll fall in love with every girl they see, including dogs and cats. (All three)

Make them cut up onions until they cry. Then we'll save their tears and show them to everyone if they tell anybody about Pig City, and everyone will call them crybabies. (Laura)

Make them call up a pizza parlor and order twenty large pizzas but not give their name and address. Then if they tell anybody about Pig City, we'll call the pizza parlor back and tell them where to send the pizzas. (Tiffany)

“With lots of anchovies,” she added.

“That's the dumbest idea you've had yet,” said Allison.

All three girls lay on the floor. Tiffany had one foot in the bean bag chair. The lime slushes, cookies, and pickles were long gone.

“We can make them put on funny clothes,” said Laura, “and then take their picture. My sister left a lot of old clothes at our house. We could make them wear a dress!”

“No, that wouldn't work for Aaron,” said Tiffany. “He already dresses funny.” She and Laura laughed.

Allison didn't. “Just because Aaron doesn't dress like everybody else –” she said. “There's no law saying you have to wear blue jeans and sneakers! I think Aaron dresses like a perfect gentleman.”

“I think he dresses like a perfect nerd,” said Tiffany.

“Okay, I have another idea,” Laura said after a while. “We can make a tape of each boy saying something stupid. Then, if they tell, we'll play the tape to the school.”

“No, that wouldn't work for Nathan,” said Allison. “He always says stupid things.” She and Laura laughed.

Tiffany didn't. “Nathan says a lot of very intelligent things,” she said. “It's just that everybody else is too dumb to understand them.”

“Name one smart thing he's said,” said Allison.

Tiffany thought a moment. “Hey, half a pickle,” she said. She found the rest of her pickle, which had rolled under the television.

“I have an idea,” said Allison. “We can make them write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle. Then, if they tell anybody about Pig City, we'll give the letter to Mr. Doyle. They'd have to stay after school and copy a dictionary page.”

“No, that won't work for Gabriel,” said Tiffany.
“He's always copying dictionary pages.” She and Allison laughed.

Laura didn't. “It's not always his fault,” she said. “Everybody always tells on him. He never tells on anybody.”

“How about this?” said Tiffany. “I have the best idea yet.” She smiled mysteriously.

“What?” asked Allison.

“How about this? Before they can join Pig City, we tell them they have to kiss us!”

Laura and Allison looked uncertainly at each other. “How will that work for insurance?” Laura asked.

Tiffany shrugged. “I don't know.”

This time they all laughed.

Laura wrote PIGMENTATION on the blackboard. It was the biggest “pig” word she could find. She had looked through the large hardcover dictionary. She knew she had time because Mr. Doyle was usually a little slow on Monday mornings. He often came late to class, bringing his cup of coffee with him. Laura imagined that was due to wild weekends spent with beautiful and exotic women.

She erased the number 3 next to the rectangle under the word DICTIONARY. She wrote the number 4 in its place. That'll show him how much he scares me!

Mr. Doyle walked in a couple of minutes late, carrying his cup of coffee. He went straight to the blackboard and erased PIGMENTATION. He walked over to DICTIONARY. When he saw the number had already been changed, he was so surprised it made him drop the chalk. It landed plop into his cup of coffee.

The class was hysterical.

“Okay, settle down,” he said. He pulled out the wet piece of chalk. “How do you take your coffee?” he asked. “Cream and chalk,” he answered.

Everyone laughed again.

Mr. Doyle looked at his cup of coffee as if he was wondering if he could still drink it. “I guess I better start getting here earlier,” he said, glancing up at Laura.

She smiled at him.

She and her friends had finally decided on insurance for the boys. Aaron would have to sing a silly song into the tape recorder. Nathan would have to write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle. Gabriel would have his picture taken wearing one of Laura's sister's old dresses.

They had quickly rejected the idea of kissing them. For one thing, it wouldn't work for insurance. For another, none of them had the guts to say it to the boys.

At recess, they split up. Allison went to find Aaron. Tiffany went after Nathan.

Laura spoke with Gabriel.

He started to salute, then stopped, remembering what she had told him. “Am I in?” he asked eagerly.

“Ssh! Not so loud,” she cautioned.

He waited.

She took off her cap, wiped her hair off her face,
then put the cap back on. “You have to give insurance first.”

“Right, I knew that,” he said.

She told him to come to her house after dinner. She knew Aaron and Nathan were supposed to come right after school.

She met up with Tiffany and Allison. They were both very excited.

“Boys are so dumb,” said Tiffany. “They'll do anything you tell them!”

“I told Aaron to come to your house and we'd tell him what pigmentation meant,” said Allison. “He said he already knew what it meant – color. I told him that was only the dictionary definition. I said I'd teach him the
real
meaning.”

“I didn't tell Nathan nothing,” said Tiffany. “I asked him yes or no? and he said, ‘Okee-dokee-do.'”

The three girls laughed.

“What about you, Laura?” asked Allison. “Is Gabriel coming?”

“Oh, I found out he was grounded,” Laura said. “I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow.”

Nothing she said was a lie. He had been grounded, and she probably would talk to him tomorrow.

She didn't want Tiffany and Allison there when Gabriel was initiated. She was afraid they might find
out he already knew all about Pig City.

“I hope they'll agree to give insurance,” said Allison.

“Boys are so dumb,” said Tiffany. “They'll do anything we tell 'em.”

After school, the Pig City executives waited at Laura's house for Aaron and Nathan. They were so nervous, they laughed at anything anybody said. They laughed when Laura's mother asked them if they would like a frozen pizza.

“Of course, I'll heat it up first,” she explained.

That made them laugh harder.

She shrugged. “I should be a comedian.”

“We don't want any pizza,” said Laura.

“Thank you, anyway,” said Allison.

“Yeah, thanks,” said Tiffany, then she cracked up again.

When the doorbell rang, the laughter ceased.

They all got up to answer it.

Nathan and Aaron stood on the other side of the door.

“Hi,” said Nathan.

“Hi,” said Allison.

“Hi,” said Laura.

“Hi,” said Aaron.

“Hi,” said Tiffany.

“Hi,” Nathan said again.

“C'mon, let's go,” said Laura. She, Tiffany, and Allison stepped outside. Aaron and Nathan stepped inside. They crashed in the middle.

“This way,” said Laura. She led them around the side of the house to the backyard, then into the clubhouse. Nathan was first. They told Aaron to wait outside.

“Wowie zowie,” said Nathan as he looked around the Dog House. He sat on the bed.

Tiffany sat next to him. Her right leg and Nathan's left leg were less than an inch apart. Laura sat in the swinging chair, and Allison was on the giant purple bean bag.

“We're about to tell you a secret,” said Laura. “You must never repeat any of it to anybody.”

“I won't,” he said. “Cross my liver.” He made an X over his left side where his liver was, or at least where Laura thought it was. She didn't know for sure.

“We need insurance,” said Allison.

“You mean like life insurance?”

“You have to write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle,” said Tiffany. “We'll tell you what you have to write.”

“Then, if you break your vow of secrecy,” said Allison, “we'll give him your letter.”

“Hey, that's neat,” said Nathan. “That's clever.”

They gave him a piece of paper and a pen. He leaned over and wrote on the top of the coffee table as the three girls dictated to him.

“Dear Mr. Doyle,” Allison began.

Dear Mr. Doyle
, wrote Nathan.

“You stink,” said Laura.

You stink
, he wrote.

They made it up as they went along.

“You are the most ugliest teacher in the school!” said Tiffany.

“You're too stupid to be a teacher!” said Laura.

“And you have bad breath,” said Allison.

“Wait, not so fast,” said Nathan, as he furiously tried to keep up. “‘Have bad breath.' Go on.”

“I hate you,” said Laura. She waited for him to finish. “Then sign it, ‘Sincerely, Nathan.'”

Nathan finished the letter. Laura read it over, then gave it to Allison. She put it in the treasure chest.

Nathan's and Tiffany's legs were now touching, but they each pretended not to notice.