Picturing Perfect (35 page)

"I wanted you to be happy…just not with him. He blew you off because of me."

"So, when I saw him a few days later and he made the face, it was a look of uncertainty?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I wasn't there."

"I
need
to know."

"No…you don't. It's my fault. He promised me he'd back off. He didn't want to. And honestly, I think he still holds a grudge about it. Things with us are still strained since that day. And now, you're pushing him away and it's like I've hurt you both all over again."

"You didn't do this. I did."

We stared at each other for several moments before I broke eye contact to study the items in the basket. A large hardcover children's book called "Marty My Smarty" was the largest item in the basket. I stared at the cover in disbelief. When I looked for the author's name, it said Whitman J. Kelly.

"He wrote a children's book?" My eyes widened as I ran my fingers over the cartoonish picture of my little boy, sitting on the cover, holding his blankie and favorite turtle toy.

"He's been working on it for a while. He wanted to surprise you. And then you broke up with him before he had a chance."

"Oh my God," I said, sitting down in the nearest chair, nearly speechless. I opened the book as quickly as possible. The dedication started my tears flowing:
For my sweet little guy. I treasure you. Every. Single. Day.

Tears clouded my eyes and I furiously wiped them away with the back of my sleeve as I turned the pages. The illustrations were hand drawn, my sweet little brown haired boy looked up at me from the pages. He was playing with his Grover doll, playing on his keyboard, and laughing his little head off as his Mommy kissed him. When I got to the last page, I couldn't believe my eyes.

Marty My Smarty

So quick to say each new word

When you called me Dada

Marty My Smarty,

It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard

The final illustration was a hand drawn depiction of Jason. I laughed as I studied him. Sandy brown hair, a few freckles, green eyes behind his tortoise shell glasses. He was wearing Marty's favorite Super Grover t-shirt. Jason and Marty were holding hands as they walked, Marty looking up at him with a sweet smile of admiration. My heart was soaring and breaking all at once.
What have I done?

"I have to fix this," I said, panicked.

"Yeah, you do," Auden replied, putting her legs up on the ottoman and leaning back on Jason's favorite armchair. His reading chair.

"Tell me how," I said, walking over to her, sitting on the couch, hands in my lap, eyes completely on Auden.

"You were just punishing him for the Montgomerys and all of the shit they put you through. We all lash out at the ones we love the most. Just apologize. He'll forgive you."

"It can't be that simple," I replied, shaking my head in disbelief.

"It is." Auden shrugged. "He left this for you, he wanted you to see it. What else is in the basket?"

I hadn't even noticed—I was so busy reading the book. I looked back inside the wicker basket and found three packs of Marty's favorite Gerber snacks and Sesame Street sippy cups.

"He remembered we needed more sippies," I whispered. "I was complaining a couple of weeks before we broke up. I needed to get the next stage of cups now that Marty's such a big boy…" My words trailed off as I stared at a basket full of thoughtfulness and love.

I'm so lucky. And Jason needs to know that.

"He's a good guy," Auden said, giving me a weak smile.

"He's amazing. Seriously, help me win him back."

"Okay…so, I don't think he wanted me to tell you this since you two split. But, he's having a book signing this Saturday at Em Pea's Bookstore over on Fifth Avenue."

"I've seen that place. It's adorable."

"It starts at 1 o'clock. I can babysit Marty if you want to see him."

"I'm going…but, I'll bring the baby with me. He needs to see his Dada."

An hour later, Marty was pushing his shopping cart around the living room as Auden and I talked. I finally had the gall to ask her what I'd been dying to ask for months. And now that she'd confessed her involvement in Jason and I being apart all those years ago, I wasn't holding back. It was time to find out what was going on with my best friend.

"Don't get pissed, but we need to talk."

"Uh oh. I have a feeling this isn't about Jason anymore."

"You're right. It's about you. And it has nothing to do with Jason or me."

"All right…" She looked nervous. She picked at her cuticles, something she only did when uncomfortable. Auden was such a free spirit, such a cheery person—it wasn't something she did very often. But, when it happened…something was definitely up.

"You're not happy. It's obvious."

"I know," she paused, biting her bottom lip before looking up at me. "Vault?"

I breathed a sigh of relief before responding, "Vault."

"I'm moving."

"What? Where? Did you get a new job?"

"Yes. But, I don't think my family will be too happy about it."

"I'm confused," I said, raising an eyebrow. "Just tell me."

"I got a job with a tour company in Europe. Jordan Tours. Remember we saw their buses all the time while we were there?"

"Yeah, I remember…but, what about pharmaceutical sales? You said your sales have been awesome."

"They have…it's just," she paused, "it sucks." She groaned. And we both laughed.

"It's boring as hell. I need adventure. I need excitement. And I miss Europe like crazy."

I nodded, knowing that she really was the best version of herself while we were there. I knew she had visited many countries there since she was a child. Maybe that's where she really felt at home.

"So…have you told anyone?"

"Besides you?" She shook her head. "No, not yet."

"When do you leave?"

"January 19th."

"Wow, that's only a few months away."

"I need to get lots of training out of the way before Spring Break comes. That's when I'll start doing tours on my own."

"So, you're going to live…where exactly?"

"They have housing for their tour guides in London. But, I'll have to live out of a suitcase once I start working my own tours."

My nose wrinkled inadvertently. I could never live that way…like a vagabond or something. It didn't suit me, but Auden was another story. Auden would shine. I was certain of it.

"I miss you already," I said, tipping my head, pursing my lips.

"I know, but I have to do this. It's time."

"I get it…and I'm excited for you…really, I am. When are you going to tell your parents?"

"This weekend at Sunday dinner."

Puzzled, I looked at her. "So, why the vault? That's just a few days away."

She rolled her eyes. "In case I lose the nerve."

"You won't. This is too important."

"You're right. What would I do without you?" she said, rubbing Marty's back as he walked by her with his cart.

"I feel exactly the same way. Don't ever doubt that. Not ever."

"You're gonna be late," Auden yelled. Pulling my cell phone away from my ear, I grimaced, knowing she was right. Ever since I became a mom, I was late. Always. Marty usually napped in the morning, but today he wouldn't go down until noon. I told myself that I could just wait to make it to the signing at the tail end of the event. I justified that it would be easier that way…not as many people, less of a spectacle to make of myself. But now, as I sat in traffic, listening to Auden yell at me, I knew I made the wrong choice.

Two extremely shitty things happened before we could even leave the apartment. Literally. The peas Marty ate this morning didn't sit well, and he soiled two diapers before we could even get out the door. Poor boy. I kept glancing at my watch as I changed him and his clothes, hoping we'd still have time.

When I got him in his car seat, I realized his stroller wasn't in the trunk. I had taken him for a walk yesterday and had left it upstairs. So, up we went to grab the stroller and set off on our way to the bookstore.

And finally, I sat at red light after red light after red light, kicking myself for not leaving the apartment an hour earlier. But, this was my life as a mom. I was unable to control everything. I couldn't do everything perfectly. I just wished that today (of all days!) I could've had better forethought to handle all of this.

"Look, I'll be there in a few minutes. Traffic is horrible." I groaned into the phone.

"Fine, call me later."

Quickly, I hung up and focused on the road, trying my very best not to be frantic. Marty babbled in the back seat talking to his Gogo—at least I didn't forget his favorite Muppet. Finally, we arrived at the small bookstore. Parking was few and far between, but luckily I was able to find a spot about a block away from the front door of the shop.

The stroller resisted my foot's pressure as I attempted over and over to snap it into place. Finally, it complied and I heard the pop of the plastic fitting in. Breathing a quick sigh of relief, I placed Marty into the seat and jogged towards the store.

Em Pea's Bookstore was unique and modern, unlike any other children's bookshop I'd ever seen. A chevron-patterned mural lined the wall behind the registers. Cartoonish pea pods, the symbol for the store, were spread throughout the signage in the entire place. Whimsical mobiles hung from the ceiling, each with a different book theme—princesses, wizards, and magic school buses. You got the feeling that you were in a friend's house who just adored books, rather than an actual bookstore. Marty and I would be spending a lot of time there.

An employee was taking down a large sign that was placed at the entrance to the small children's department. "Book Signing: Whitman J. Kelly debuting his self-published children's picture book, "Marty My Smarty." 1-3pm.

"Did we miss it?" I asked, panting. He nodded with a sympathetic eye as he dismantled the sign.

It was 3:15.
Shit
. It was over. But, maybe he was still there. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I pushed the stroller back into the children's area. A Harry-Potter-themed mural, complete with a magenta and indigo harlequin diamond pattern, greeted me. It was like the cover of a book had come to life.

Placing my hands on the stroller, I pondered what to do next.

A very sweet pregnant woman with short blond hair approached me. "Are you here for the signing?"

"Yes," I replied with a frustrated sigh.

"You just missed the author. He left about five minutes ago."

"This may sound weird…and I promise I'm not a stalker, but…do you know where he was going?" As soon as I said the words, I knew it was the wrong thing to ask. She raised an eyebrow but glanced down at my son.

"Is this…Marty? He looks just like the boy in the book." Her eyes softened as she gazed down at my grinning boy.

Relief. Sweet relief filled my body.

"Yes." I nodded.

She crouched down in front of the stroller.

"Well, someone is crazy about you, little man."

"I know. We're crazy about him, too," I said, glancing at my watch again. "I'm sorry to leave so abruptly, but we need to find Jason. It's kind of important."

"Of course. Come back and see us again," she said, waving goodbye to Marty, who blew kisses back to her. "I hope you find him."

"Me too."