Picture Me Naked (Stoddard Art School Series) (29 page)

When the phone rang two hours later, Zee raced to pick it up. “Jagger?”

“No. It’s Leah.”

“Oh, God, Leah, I’m such an idiot.” She choked into the phone. “I’m the biggest idiot that ever lived.”

“What’s going on?”

“Jagger…” She was crying again, and couldn’t even form the words to begin to explain.

“What happened? He was supposed to surprise you.”

“You knew?” Zee sputtered. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? I could have been prepared. I could have stopped myself from acting like a psychopath!”

“It was Jagger’s idea that I take you away for the weekend. He said he wanted to do something special to surprise you. I didn’t know what he was planning. What the hell happened?”

“I’ve ruined everything. He did something amazing, and I freaked out.”

Zee turned on the outside light to look at the beautiful rooftop again. When she flipped the switch, thousands of white twinkle lights came to life, making the entire roof look like something out of a fairy tale. “Oh, God, Leah.” Zee began to sob again.

“I’m on my way.”

Twenty minutes later, Zee let Leah into the apartment and fell, still crying, into her friend’s arms.

“Tell me what happened. What did he do?”

“A-all he did was to be wonderful and I said stupid, horrible things. We had a huge fight. H-he…” Zee could do nothing but point to the door to the roof.

“What?”

Zee reached into the kitchen and flipped the light switch.

Leah gasped. “Holy shit! He did all that in two days? Unbelievable.”

Zee stood with her hand over her mouth, her face wet from crying. “So what did you say?”

“I-I was stunned. I told him I loved it. Then I asked him how he did all this. It must have cost him a fortune. Leah, he used the money he was saving to get to Europe. After I realized that, I don’t know, I freaked. He joked and said now he was stuck here. Stuck. He used that
exact
word. I couldn’t breathe. What’s wrong with me? I should have been happy he was staying, but all I could think of was now he
has
to stay. That’s wrong, right? Stuck! Just like his father said. That’s messed up, right?”

“I’m missing something. This is a good thing. You want him to stay.”

“Of course, I do, but I want him to stay because he wants to, not because he
has
to.”

Leah frowned at her. “I’m not understanding.”

“He left himself no choice. He’ll stay because he has no other alternative.”

“Don’t you think it was his choice to use his money to do something wonderful for you? He made his choice. He chose
you
. He’ll stay because he loves
you
. Don’t you see that?”

Zee paced like a caged animal. “What have I done? He’s right, I’m a crazy sheila. I have to fix this. If he gives up his dream, he’ll regret it. He’ll come to hate me. I know he will. I still have some of Nana’s money left. I’ll give him his money back.”

“How will that solve anything?”

“If I give him back his money, he’ll have his choices again. He’ll be able to make his decision. Then I’ll know what he really wants.” She wore a path in the carpet.

“Zee, stop pacing and listen to me.” Leah grabbed her arms. “Jagger is an amazing man, but he’s still a guy. You’ve already bruised his ego by not seeing the grand gesture of his gift to you. If you give him back his money, you’ll crush what’s left.”

“I need to know for sure, Leah.”

“Girl? Look around you! If this doesn’t scream he loves you and wants to be with you, I don’t know what would?”

Zee put her face in her hands. “Oh God, I know. What have I done?”

Leah put her arm around Zee’s shaking shoulders. “You panicked.”

“Brilliant observation. But why?”

“You’re still waiting for him to treat you like garbage. You were so prepared to deal with him leaving you broken hearted, that when another scenario presented itself, you didn’t know how to deal with it. You don’t believe you deserve to be happy. You don’t think you’re worthy of having a man like Jagger actually love you.”

She was right. Zee closed her eyes to the pain that washed over her. Leah was right about it all. How could Zee have been so stupid?

Zee wandered to the middle of the roof. The champagne now sat in a bucket of melted ice, and the chocolates had softened and begun to spread. “So, what do I do now?”

Leah followed her and put a comforting hand on her back. “You go find him. You explain that you panicked.”

Zee shook her head sadly. “I said some awful, awful things.”

“He loves you. He’ll forgive you.”

“I wouldn’t forgive me.”

“You don’t love you like he does.”

Zee spent the entire night driving around trying to find Jagger. By the time class started the next morning, she was beyond exhausted. He hadn’t been at the estate. She couldn’t find him anywhere. What if something happened to him? What if he couldn’t forgive her?

She’d come to the school early, and sat on the stairs to wait for him to show up. Her favorite worn marble stairs felt cold and hard as she sat there. Funny, she never noticed how the paint had begun peeling in the corners of the stairwell. How had she missed that?

Because she was self-absorbed. Jagger was right. Leah and Nana were right. She’d been so focused on what she wanted that when happiness and joy and a life filled with love stood in front of her, she pushed by it as if she never even saw it.

Zee couldn’t stand the smell of old dead paint any longer. She couldn’t sit there. Maybe Jagger was in the parking lot. He had to be showing up soon. Could he have slipped by her somehow? Zee poked her head into the classroom. Everyone was there. No Jagger.

Leah rushed over to her and dragged her into the hallway.

“What are you doing here? I thought you and Jagger would be off having raucous, make-up sex by now.”

“He’s not here?”

“I thought he was with you. Madeline just told us he wasn’t coming. Paunchy, monkey butt man is here.”

“What? Not coming? Where is he?”

“Zee, you look like hell. Have you slept?”

“No. I’ve been driving around all night looking for him. He wasn’t home. I checked four times. He isn’t anywhere. Leah, I’m scared to death. Where can he be?”

“Don’t worry, honey, he’s probably just off licking his wounds. He’ll turn up. Maybe he’s out looking for you. Go home.”

“If he shows up here. Tell him, tell him…”

“I know what to tell him. Go. Get some rest. If I hear anything, I’ll call you.”

“Okay.” Zee looked about in a panic. She couldn’t go home. She’d check the estate again. Maybe she should call the police and see if there’d been any accidents involving vans with blue curtains and a bed in the back and a suitcase full of ashes.

It was noon before Zee pushed herself through her apartment door. She felt hollow with despair. Her body shook with a combination of exhaustion, hunger and thirst. She walked woodenly into the kitchen. The answering machine flashed. Zee almost knocked it off the counter leaping to press the button.
Let it be him!

“You have one new message.”

BEEEP

“Zee? It’s Madeline. Leah told me you’re not feeling well. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jagger, but after his call this morning and you not showing either, frankly I’m worried. You’re four days away from your opening. Whatever is happening, I hope you aren’t thinking of disappointing Daniel Bruce…or me for that matter. I’ve got some wealthy alums coming specifically to meet you. I hope you realize there is more on the line here. Please don’t bail on me, Zee. This show is too important…for all of us. Call me later if you need me. Bye.”

BEEEP

Leah stopped by the apartment later that day. Zee flung open the door before the second knock. “I was going to ask you if you’d heard from him, but I can tell by your face you haven’t.”

“I’ve been everywhere. It’s as if he’s disappeared. Maybe—” Leah’s frown stopped her. “What?”

“Madeline told us Jagger’s done. He said he couldn’t finish out the week and refused his pay for the last two weeks. She said Paunchy Phil will cover for him. I’m sorry, Zee.”

Zee closed her eyes. They burned from all the crying. “I screwed everything up, Leah.”

“He’ll calm down. You’ll see.”

“You don’t believe that.”

“He was so excited about your opening. He wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just wait and see. I bet he’ll show up looking amazing, sweep you into his arms, and carry you away.” Leah hugged her. “You’ll sort everything out. It will be all right.”

Zee sniffed and hugged her. “I don’t believe that. I’ll never see him again. He’s too good at leaving. He’s had three years of practice.”

“That was before he found you.”

“Until I took his heart and threw it back at him. I can’t believe I hurt him like this. I’m worse than Victoria. He hates me, and I can’t blame him. I hate me. It’s a theme. I’m a miserable human being.”

“Who’s Victoria? Never mind. You need to quit talking like this.”

“But it’s true. Look at me. I’m horrible. I even screamed at my dead grandmother.”

“Okay, enough. I’m going to make you a cup of tea, and a nice hot bath. Then you’re going to take a nap. We’re going to get you off this crap train you’re on and look toward better things.” She didn’t wait for Zee to respond, but went into the kitchen.

Zee watched her go. And then as she had for the millionth time in two days, her gaze moved to the bit of paradise just beyond her window. She rose and although it broke her heart each time she did it, she stepped out onto the roof. A soft breeze blew and the sun’s spring warmth reached down into her bones.

She wandered around touching the new things. He was here in the plants and the lovely furniture. His carefree abandon was right here. All his love for her spread out for her to wrap herself in. He made her a safe place where she could strip off the layers of her defenses and be free…with him.

Her mind’s eye imagined them sunbathing, covering each other with lotion, letting the sun kiss every inch of their bodies. They would have made love here. In the open sunlight, beneath the stars, beside a lovely fire, in the rain.

Tears from eyes too dry to cry wet her cheeks.

“Nana, I’m so sorry. I take it all back. Where are you? I need you. Please help me find him.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Even with Leah’s help, the next few days were brutal. The final blow came when Zee went back to the mansion one more time. Jagger wasn’t at the groundkeeper’s cabin. His van was nowhere to be seen, but an ancient Volvo sat in the driveway of the main house.

Zee pounded on the front door. An older woman in a starched white apron told her that she was one of the housekeepers, Ellie. Zee explained who she was and that she was desperate to get in touch with Jagger.

“Yes, he’s mentioned you a time or two. I’m sorry, I can’t help you, though. He quit. Said there was some emergency and he was leaving town. Didn’t even want his last paycheck. Just packed up his stuff. I’m sorry to see him go, I can tell you. He brightened my day. Breaks my heart to think I won’t see him again. I wish I could be more help.”

“No, thank you. I’m sorry to have disturbed you.”

Zee was crying so hard on the way back to her apartment, that she nearly wrapped George around a tree.

She stopped sleeping. She barely ate. She hadn’t showered in days. She’d have quit going to class had Leah not dragged her. “You’re not going to blow your scholarship, your degree,
and
your career. I’m not going to let you.”

Zee couldn’t explain to Leah the depth of her despair. She couldn’t even rant and rave about what a bastard he was for leaving. This was her fault. The look on his face as all those horrible words spewed out of her mouth still haunted her. She’d killed anything he felt for her. She’d pushed him off the roof.

“Come on now, honey. I’ll make a deal with you. If you get up, clean yourself up, and have something to eat, I’ll help you get the rest of your work down to the gallery. You said they needed everything by noon today. I know you’re hurting, but you have to keep moving. You have the show of your life tomorrow night, and I refuse to let you wallow. I’ll stand right by your side if you need me to hold you up.
Then
you can fall apart, okay? I’ll curl up with you and we’ll drown our sorrows in chocolate and tequila. But you’re not going to blow this. I won’t let you. You’ve worked too hard for this, dammit.”

Zee pulled the sheet over her head. “I don’t care.”

“You will in a week, or a month, or next year. You’ll care. And you’ll feel even more miserable that you let this thing with Jagger ruin your future.”

Zee knew Leah was right, but her heart ached so much she couldn’t breathe.

Friday morning’s class was little more than chaos. Everyone was so excited about the showing that night. Zee was an absolute mess. Her emotions were so stretched and raw, each hug and enthusiastic word scraped against her like an iron rake.

Madeline was the worst. She was in a panic that Zee wouldn’t show up at the gallery.

“You’re not going to let me down, right, Zee? I don’t have to reiterate how important this is, to all of us.”

“No, Madeline, you’ve already made it perfectly clear.”

“But you’ve been so distracted this week.”

“I said, I’ll be there,” Zee snapped. “What more do you want from me? I’m dancing as fast as I can here.”

“I’m sorry, Zee. I don’t mean to add to your stress. It’s just that—”

“I know, I know.” She let out a sigh, and patted Madeline on the shoulder. “I promise, I won’t let you down.”

Mr. Bruce had called early that morning to let her know everything was ready. He sounded surprised when she didn’t want to give final approval on the set up. Zee told him she trusted him completely and was sure everything would be just fine.

She listened while he spoke about how wonderful it all looked. He believed her sales would be good. His regulars would be there with their deep pockets, and they always had a fine appreciation for new talent. He was expecting between eighty and a hundred people. Just the thought caused Zee’s stomach to churn.

Her mother’s phone call was the cherry on top. “Can I bring Gerard?”