Phoenix (14 page)

want people to think he was a girl just because he was

dating a guy, granted a guy who was one of the most

vocally, out and proud gay men on campus, but still. He was

afraid of being seen as something he wasn’t.

Blake stared at the vial of testosterone, the hormone

suspended in oil and waiting. He knew taking it would

make all the dysphoric thoughts disappear. It’s been a savior

in a bottle.

“Need help, babe?” Ethan asked from beside him, and

Blake licked his lips, shaking his head and glancing over to

him with a small smile.

“Nah, I think I’m good. Just stay with me,” he said,

keeping eye contact with Ethan for a moment, drinking in

strength from his bright, loving eyes, then he picked up the

small syringe. He slid it gently into the bottle and measured

sixty milligrams with precision, his bottom lip caught

between his teeth. He withdrew it and shifted, pulling up his

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basketball shorts and exposing his thigh. He always felt a

flutter of nervous excitement whenever he was about to dose

himself with hormones.

Blake reached out for Ethan’s hand and laced their fingers

together as he injected the needle in with the other hand,

taking a deep breath and pushing the testosterone into his

system slowly. The pain was a small flare, and honestly he

almost enjoyed it as he injected himself. He could almost feel

the hormone coursing through his system almost instantly,

blasting the dysphoria out of the water. He shut his eyes

after pulling the needle out, leaning into Ethan’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Ethan asked, running his fingers through his

short hair, his voice soft and bracing. Blake nodded a little

and looked up at him with a small, affectionate smile.

“Mmm hmm, more than okay,” Blake replied in a soft

voice. His voice was a little low, definitely lower than it had

been before he’d started with the hormone replacement, but

he was hoping soon his voice would drop even more the

longer he was on the testosterone.

Blake relaxed against Ethan with a soft sigh and shut his

eyes, just letting the whole thing roll through him. Thinking

was never a good thing for him. Questions came at

him—questions he didn’t want to think about, let alone ask.

“Do you ever…think about me as a girl?” Blake asked

after a moment, glancing up at Ethan with furrowed brows.

Ethan looked back at him with a slightly confused look. “I…I

mean, have you ever? Like back when we were in high

school and whatever.”

“No, never.” Blake’s eyes fell shut, just letting the words

go through him as relief surged through him just like the

hormone had. Ethan’s voice was firm, confident, as he

explained, “You’ve always been Blake to me, even before

you came out to the school and everyone else. I’ve never

thought of you as a girl, it just felt wrong. You were never

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anything other than my best guy friend Blake to me.”

Blake opened his eyes and looked back up at Ethan.

Giddiness made his chest tight as he leaned up and wrapped

his hand around the back of Ethan’s neck, pulling him in for

a quick but intense kiss. “Thank you, babe,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome,” Ethan murmured, his hand resting on

Blake’s cheek, fingers cupping his jaw gently. Blake

hummed softly as Ethan stroked his thumb along his

cheekbone. “I love you.”

Blake shut his eyes and bit his lip around a smile, letting

the words sink in—really sink in—because even though

Ethan had said those words to him before, they felt so much

different this time. So much deeper. “I love you, too, Ethan,”

he said in a soft voice.

“You know what I mean, right?” Ethan asked, and Blake

opened his eyes, his smile now open and unfettered. He

didn’t have to bite it back anymore, nor did he feel the need

to. He didn’t want to hide his happiness. It’d been so rare

before now. He’d just always been settling before.

“Yeah, babe, I know what you mean,” Blake replied,

nudging his nose against Ethan’s affectionately. His gold

eyes glittered with an ethereal happiness. Everything just

felt completely right in Blake’s world at that moment.

Blake jumped back when he heard the door crash open,

hitting his head against the wall of Ethan’s bunk.

“What’s goin’ on here?” Dominic’s voice grated on

Blake’s nerves as he lifted his head, rubbing the back of his

head with furrowed brows.

“None of your business,” Ethan replied before Blake

could. Pride warred with the desire to fight his own battles,

but pride won, and he shot Ethan a quick look of gratitude

before turning his attention back to Ethan’s roommate.

“Aww, defending your girlfriend?” Dominic spat with

venom in his words at Ethan and Blake took a deep breath.

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He would not take this bullshit any longer.

“I’m not his girlfriend, thank you very much,” Blake shot

back, venom just as potent in his voice as he stood up and

faced Dominic eye-to-eye. He was actually half an inch taller

than the other man. “I’m his
boy
friend. Get it right for once,

asshole.”

“I do get it right,” Dominic replied in a tone of smug

satisfaction, like he knew something no one else did.

“No, you really don’t,” Blake demanded, tilting his head

up defiantly. He was
so
tired of this guy’s bullshit.

Before Blake could stop him, Dominic grabbed his t-shirt

and tugged at it so hard that it ripped at the seam. Crushing

embarrassment set in immediately. Blake crossed his arms

over his chest, his binder on full display, and he hated it. It

didn’t look like it wasn’t much more than a very controlled

sports bra, and that’s what Dominic saw as he let out a

vicious cackle and shoved him out into the dorm hallway,

sending him sprawling.

“See?
Told
you she’s a girl!” Dominic crowed, looking at

Ethan, who looked completely shocked. Blake knew it was

because of what Dominic had just done to him and not

because of what he’d just revealed. “What, kid, you didn’t

know he’s a she?”

“Fuck you, Dominic!” Ethan snapped. Blake sunk to the

floor of the hall, completely embarrassed, red-faced and

mortified. Ethan launched himself at the larger man, landing

a hit to his jaw and knocking Dominic back, sending him

reeling onto his own bed. “Don’t fucking talk about him like

that!”

“Why not? It’s the truth!” Dominic yelled, though his

voice was tinged with pain and a little slurred from the hit to

his jaw.

Blake curled his knees up to his chest and let his head fall,

squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears from coming. He

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could feel other people’s eyes on him, staring, sizing him up

and judging him. He was so ashamed and completely out on

display. There was absolutely no going back now. He heard

commotion and a lot of yelling, but after Dominic’s

victorious shout, he didn’t hear any of it. He was lost to the

tears as they rolled silently down his face.

He’d been completely ousted in front of everyone and he

could feel them judging him and changing their minds about

him, admitting that Dominic and the RA were completely

right about his gender, that he’d just been pretending to be

something other than the girl he was. This was a fucking

disaster and he hated what Dominic had done to him.

He’d been subconsciously afraid of this scene since he

first came out. He’d expected it to be at home, not here. He’d

expected this college to be a source of freedom, not prejudice

and bullying. Hatred and anger roiled through him and

made him feel sick.

The whole damn thing made him want to crawl out of his

skin and never come out of his dorm room ever again. The

suicidal thoughts kicked up again, thoughts of violence and

blood overtaking everything else again. He let out a silent

sob and tried to push them away, not wanting to open that

up when he felt like he was finally getting back on track

with everything. He felt so disgusted and shameful, and he

just wanted to disappear.

All the commotion around him just turned to the static of

his thoughts.

“Hey,” he heard Riley’s voice behind him, and he flinched

away from his big palm as he felt it press gently against his

mostly-bare shoulder, curling hard into himself. He didn’t

even want to breathe, because he could feel his chest

moving. “Hey, Blake, it’s all right. M’not gonna hurt you.”

“Guess the secret’s out, huh?” Blake murmured thickly,

his tone pure self-deprecation as he dug his fingernails into

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his forearms.

“Unlike Dominic, it doesn’t change anything for me,”

Riley replied, and finally Blake lifted his head to see the

other man smiling at him as he held out an oversized hoodie

to him. Blake took it with shaking hands, watching Riley

warily as he continued, “You’re still one of my best friends,

Blake. I don’t claim to know much about this kinda stuff, but

I’m sure you can teach me.”

Blake nodded tearfully before he uncurled and wrapped

his arms around Riley, hugging him tightly and shutting his

eyes. “Thanks, Riley. So much,” he murmured.

“No problem,” Riley replied, patting his back firmly a

couple times before drawing back. Blake let him go and

turned his head toward Ethan’s dorm, hoping to God that he

wasn’t hurt, that Dominic hadn’t hurt him, too. That would

be the last straw.

As he heard Riley yelling at the crowd of people to break

it up, Blake saw his boyfriend standing half-triumphant,

half-shocked in the doorway, holding his wrist and staring

at his bruised knuckles in awe. “I can’t believe I just did

that,” he said in a very faraway voice, but he seemed to snap

back to reality when Blake threw himself at him and hugged

him as tightly as he could. “Hey. You okay?”

“I think so,” Blake muttered, keeping his face tucked

against Ethan’s hair, breathing in shakily and willing some

of the flush to drain from his cheeks. He took a breath and

asked in a stronger voice than he’d expected, “Where’d he

go?”

“He ran away,” Ethan said with a light laugh. “After I hit

him, he tried to hit me back and then when he realized

people were staring at him like he’d grown four heads, he

ran his douchebag ass out of here faster than I’ve ever seen

him run.”

“And how many people were staring at me?” Blake

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Phoenix

whispered, gripping hard at Ethan’s shirt as he tried to

regain the composure.

“Not many. Most of them were staring at Dominic

because he was the one who was making a scene,” Ethan

explained in a lulling voice, and despite the fact that Ethan

had never lied to Blake, he didn’t really believe that no one

had at him when he’d been sitting in the middle of the

hallway, curled pathetically into himself in nothing but his

basketball shorts and binder.

“Good,” Blake was able to manage, taking a deep breath

and letting go of Ethan after a moment, straightening and

recovering from his breakdown. He drew back and wiped

his tears with the sleeve of Riley’s hoodie. “Um, let’s go to

my dorm so I can put on a shirt and give this thing back to

Riley.”

“Okay,” Ethan said with a small smile, lacing their fingers

together and letting Blake lead the way down the hall to his

dorm. He ignored the eyes on him, and gripped Ethan’s

hand harder.

“Hey, tranny, nice dupe-job,” a guy he’d never met before

spat at him, and Blake stared at him in shock, so floored he

stopped walking.

“Excuse me?” he asked, and even as he felt Ethan’s hand

on his shoulder, he felt the rage rising in his chest. He was so

fucking frustrated with this.

“You heard me, tranny,” the guy spat. He didn’t even

know this guy’s name and he had the nerve to say

something like that? Not even Dominic had dared to

actually call him that, so it fucking stung more than anything

Dominic had done.

“Fuck you,” Blake spat, taking a step forward even as

Ethan’s grip tightened on his shoulder. “Do you realize how

much of a fucking asshole you are right now? How would