Phobia (11 page)

My computer was on, and Colin was online.

“Dana, Can you hear me?” he asked.

“Yes! Colin! Help! Help me!” I cried.

“Dana, I’m here. Can you hear me?” he asked again. He couldn’t hear me, of course.

“Help me!” I screamed, feeling my knees buckling beneath me.

“Colin! Please help me!” Sobs choked my pleas. He was so close, and yet so impossibly far away.

The panic attack was now in full control. I was going to faint, and land face-first in the horror that slithered around my feet.

No, please no! Not into the sna–!

I slid downward into darkness.

~*~

~ 20 ~

When I regained consciousness, everything was back to normal, or whatever passed for normal in the messed-up horror movie my life had become. I was lying on the sofa but I didn’t remember how I’d gotten there. The last thing I remembered was falling to the floor into a pile of snakes. Was it a dream?

Oh, please let the snakes be a dream!

If the snakes were just a dream, it meant my home was still secure. If they were real, then where had they gone? I crept to the window and peeked out to see if the snakes were still in the yard. It was dark outside and I couldn’t see anything but I was pretty sure there were no snakes.

I sat in front of my computer and woke it from sleep mode. I stared at the screen, willing Colin to come online. I didn’t expect to see much of him because he’d mentioned he was writing exams.

I wondered if they were fall or spring exams. Was it May, like my laptop insisted it was, or was Christmas break approaching? It hadn’t been cold when I went outside, so I had to assume it was still spring. I slumped sideways against the arm of my chair, head against one hand and sighed. I just didn’t know which way was up anymore.

I wished Colin would come back to me. I needed him. In fact, I was pretty sure I loved him. Was it possible to fall in love with someone you’d never even seen?

I had a theory about that.

When you meet someone in person, there are several factors at play: environment, pheromones, and our natural tendency to project a false personality in an attempt to make a good first impression. The pheromones alone were enough to make a person mistake physical attraction for love. You seem compatible with someone in the beginning, but when you get to know each other, personalities often clash.

What happened when two people met and got to know each other without the aid of pheromones? My theory was that they had no choice but to connect intellectually. When two people found each other to be mentally compatible, the physical part would take care of itself if and when they did finally meet. Either it would work, or it wouldn’t, but they would know for certain once they met.

I couldn’t wait to meet Colin in person to test my theory. I was confident we would be compatible. I imagined the warmth of his arms around me and the taste of his kiss. Of course, there was a chance we wouldn’t connect on a physical level but it was a chance I was willing to take.

I was writing a new journal entry about the snakes when Colin finally came online.

“Dana, can you hear me?”

Why does he keep asking me that? Where else am I going to be?

“Yes! I’m here.” I replied, hoping he could hear me, and if he could, that my eagerness wasn’t too obvious.

“Hi, beautiful,” he said, almost in a whisper. He sounded sad.

“What’s the matter? Did you do okay on your exams?” I asked, trying to sound sympathetic even though inside I was doing back flips because he had called me ‘beautiful’ again.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’ve been so busy with my exams I’ve barely had time to sleep.”

“It’s okay. That’s what I figured. I missed you. How did you do?”

“I’m pretty sure I aced everything but it was really stressful. I’m glad it’s almost over. I really need the break, and I’ve missed seeing you every day.”

“Colin,” I began.

He continued to speak, interrupting me. “I have something I want to say to you, and I’d better say it before it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?”

“I love you, Dana. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. I think fate has thrown us together, as cruel as it may seem.”

Overwhelmed with joy, I let the tears flow unabashed. “I love you too, Colin,” I whispered, “I don’t know why you’d call it cruel, but I’ve been falling for you ever since we met.”

“Don’t cry, darling.”

I could have sworn I felt him wipe a tear from my face. But of course, that was impossible, since his presence was only digital, not physical.

“I’m happy.” I sniffled, smiling through my tears. “I’m happy but sad at the same time because we can’t be together.”

“If only you could just find the strength to come out of there, sweetheart. I thought that maybe if you heard me say, ‘I love you’ it would give you a reason to come out.” Colin sniffled. It sounded like he was crying, too.

“I want to, Colin. I want to, more than anything. But I’m so scared. I don’t know how to find you. Every time I open that door there’s something horrible outside. I wish you could come in here with me.”

“Come to me, Dana. Please, come to me. I’m right here. I’m waiting for you.”

“I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. I’m trying to but I just can’t.”

I meant to tell him about the snakes, to ask him about the wasteland and the earthquake. I meant to ask him
where
I would find him if I did manage to leave the house.

Somehow the words just wouldn’t come.

What if he thinks I’m crazy?

Crazier
, I corrected myself. Crazier than he already knew I was.

Colin had said he loved me. Now the pressure was on to avoid anything that would make him change his mind about me. How was I supposed to accomplish that and still be myself? I didn’t want to put on a façade for Colin. He deserved honesty.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he said, “but I have a paper to finish. Do you mind if read it to you? It’ll be boring as hell but reading it aloud lets me hear how it sounds.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” I said, “I’m just happy to hear your voice.” I moved the laptop into the bedroom and set it up on the table beside the bed as Colin’s voice droned on. I changed into my pajamas and snuggled under the covers, pretending he was beside me. I fell asleep, comforted by the sound of his voice.

~*~

~ 21 ~

I woke to the sound of voices nearby. It sounded like people were inside the room with me, or right outside the door. I strained to hear what they were saying.

It was dark, which was my first clue that I was having another of my vivid dreams. I slipped out of bed and crept to the door, feeling my way along the wall.

I heard several muffled voices, both male and female. I leaned out the door of my bedroom and listened.

The voices sounded frantic but the words were distorted. I caught bits and pieces of the conversation but none of it made any sense.

“Pet a trashed part…”

“Frank Zappa…”

“Echinacea…”

“Poor vented nation...”

“Need another purse…”

“I see your bringers backdate…”

“Beef-liver ate…”

“Beer!”

What the…?

What were these people doing in my house? It sounded like a heated discussion was taking place right in my living room.

Enough of this shit already.

I grabbed my trusty putter, which I had been keeping within arm’s reach ever since the snake incident. It was time to clean house. I didn’t know how these people had gotten into my home, but they were not invited.

For once, I was not afraid.

After the snakes, I could handle anything. People posed no threat anymore.

I crept down the hall, putter at the ready, just in case any of the intruders turned out to be hostile.

I stepped into the living room.

“What the hell is going on here?” I shouted.

The room was empty.

What the hell?

I froze, listening for the voices again. They were fainter now, like the people had moved to the kitchen. I rushed into the kitchen and once again found no one.

“Where are you?” I yelled. “Quit fucking around and come out where I can see you!”

Nothing.

I heard footsteps. They sounded like they were in the living room. I ran back into the living room and found it still empty.

For the first time it occurred to me that maybe the voices, and other sounds I’d been hearing, were in my head.

Oh, god, what if I really am crazy? What if I have more problems than just a few phobias?

Colin would never want me. He would be an esteemed psychiatrist one day. The last thing he needed was to get romantically involved with a nutcase.

Don’t tell him.

Oh, great, now I’m giving myself advice. Maybe I am hearing voices.

Shut up!

I wasn’t going to tell Colin. Maybe he wouldn’t notice if I could keep it under control. He didn’t need to know about the voices.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Oh, no, not this again.

The microwave should not have been beeping. It was still on the garage floor where I had dropped it. It wasn’t even in the house, so why was it still beeping?

BEEEEP!

I ran to the kitchen.

The microwave stand stood empty.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

“Shut up!” I screamed. “Shut the fuck up!”

The sound was coming from somewhere in the room, but I couldn’t pinpoint its origin.

BEEEEP!

“I said,
SHUT UP!”

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

“NO!”

I backed out of the kitchen, to the safety of the living room.

I screamed out loud when the phone rang right behind me.

No more games!

I picked up the handset on the second ring.

“WHAT?” I shouted.

“Hold me,” a woman’s voice said.

I hung up.

“Fuck you too, phone!” I swore at the device, yanking its plug from the wall. I didn’t need the phone. It wasn’t even working properly I didn’t know why I even bothered to pay for the damn thing.

I sat on the sofa and clutched a pillow to my chest. I curled up into the smallest ball I could and rocked, sobbing into the pillow until the house became dark.

The unplugged phone began to ring again. I covered my ears to shut it out, but it didn’t help.

I thought of Colin, and imagined his arms around me. This time the darkness didn’t frighten me; it comforted me. It enveloped me like a thick wool blanket. I fantasized that I was floating in nothingness like in my favorite dream – the one in which I flew through the stars and saw Colin (even though he was a dog and had given me the cold shoulder). I’d hoped to fly again but it didn’t seem to be happening. The dog dream was the only time I’d ever felt truly free. Tears of yearning spilled down my cheeks.

A hand reached out of the darkness and wiped my face with a warm, damp cloth.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart. It’s okay. I promise you it will be okay. I’m right here.”

Colin!

I tried to speak to him but found that I couldn’t move. It was just as well because I feared that if I moved I would break whatever psychic spell had transformed him into a tangible presence.

“Come to me, Dana. I’m here, waiting for you, I promise. Please!”

There were so many things I wanted to say to him.

Save me from this hell, Colin. Rescue me, please! Love me.

As if he could read my thoughts, Colin responded, “I love you Dana. I know it sounds insane because we’ve never even met but all this time I have been sitting here, falling for you. Even though I know I can’t expect you to feel the same way about me.

But I do! Colin, I do! I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone! If that makes me crazy, then I guess we’re both crazy.

How I wanted to take him in my arms and speak those words to his face, but I just sat there in the darkness, mute and paralyzed.

I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
I repeated it over and over in my mind in the hope that it would come true.

~*~

~ 22 ~

I stood on a mountaintop, on a tiny plateau. The breathtaking view made me briefly forget I was afraid of heights.

Then I looked down.

The valley below looked like the miniature landscape of a model train set.

Dizziness swept over me as acrophobia took control of my body. Terrified of falling, I wanted to sit down, but I was afraid to move.

I wanted off of that mountain – immediately!
But how? How did I even get here?

Before I could think about what I was doing, I began to run toward the edge. Just like I’d always feared I would.

No! No-no-no-no! What are you – d…

I leapt off the edge without hesitation. It was too late to turn back. It was the end. A pathetic end to a life never fully lived.

Instead of plummeting to a splattering death, I soared.

I lay flat and stretched my arms and legs out like a flying squirrel and glided silently over the lush green valley below. My fear vanished and I became one with the sky.

When I began to lose altitude, I flapped my arms until I began to rise again. Flying came as naturally as walking.

I circled the valley several times, drifting lower until finally I had no choice but to land. I chose a grassy meadow and stood upright, settling gracefully on my feet.

I closed my eyes and smelled the clean, fragrant air. I didn’t want to wake up from the exhilarating dream, but at the same time I expected it to turn into something horrible. Maybe if I kept my eyes closed, I would stay in this place. I wished I could fly again.

When I opened my eyes, the meadow had vanished and I was once again on the mountaintop. This time when I looked over the edge I saw nothing but fluffy white clouds. I wanted to soar through the clouds but I was still afraid. What were the odds I could jump twice and not fall to my death?

I backed away from the edge of the cliff.
Probably a good idea,
I thought.
This is a dangerous place.

Without warning, I ran toward the edge again.

Oh, no! Not again!

Part of me, the scaredy-cat part, didn’t like where this was going. The other part, the new adventurous part, was thrilled and couldn’t wait to begin. I did a beautiful swan dive into the clouds and then spread my arms to soar.

I didn’t fly this time.

I dropped like a stone.

I flapped and flapped, but kept falling.

I screamed, but made no sound. The nightmare part had begun.

This is it. I’m going to die. They say if you die in a dream, you die in real life as well.

A few seconds before I hit, I saw a body of clear, turquoise water rushing up to meet me.

Splash!

I plunged into the water head first, completing my dive.

I was terrified of drowning. I had never gotten the nerve to put my head completely under the water, even in the bathtub. In spite of being laughed at by my peers, ridiculed by my aunt Ellen and failing countless swimming lessons as a child, I never overcame my fear of water. To me, suffocation seemed like one of the most horrifying ways to die, and drowning was the worst kind of suffocation.

The force of the fall propelled me into the depths of what I assumed was an ocean until finally my hand touched sand. I didn’t know how deep the water was, but there was no sensation of pressure like I’d heard you were supposed to feel when underwater. I felt light and natural.

Then I remembered that I was still holding my breath. I wasn’t going to be able to hold it much longer. My pulse quickened with the realization that I was going to drown.

As quickly as the panic took over, it disappeared and a feeling of calm came over me. Once again, a mysterious well of knowledge opened somewhere in my subconscious and I became aware of what I needed to do.

Remain calm.
If I stayed calm, I wouldn’t need as much oxygen. I exhaled slowly, watching the bubbles of my last breath drift to the surface, carrying with them my lifelong fear of water.

I took a shallow breath through my nose. Instead of a lungful of seawater, I inhaled air. It was like breathing underneath a blanket; stuffy, but I was able to get enough air as long as I stayed calm and didn’t gasp.

Now that I knew how to breathe underwater, I wanted to explore the ocean floor! I imagined I was a mermaid. I swam and swam, over brilliant coral reefs and through ancient ruins with massive stone pillars. A pod of dolphins joined me and we frolicked in the depths, exploring sunken ships and mysterious tunnels.

For the first time in a very long time, I woke with a smile on my face instead of a scream in my throat.

If I could conquer my fears in my dreams, I could face them when awake. I had no plans to jump off any cliffs, but I had a feeling I might be able to jump, maybe even dive into a swimming pool.

I got out of bed and saw that for the first time daylight was visible through the blinds.

It was time.

~*~