Phobia (5 page)

~ 10 ~

I waited and waited for Colin to come online, but he didn’t, much to my disappointment. I wondered if he was tired of talking to me, or if he was just busy with classes.

I had decided to try and take a nap while waiting for Colin. He finally appeared, just before the next scheduled group session.

“Hello, beautiful. How are you feeling today?” He always asked the same question, usually followed by, “Dana, can you hear me? It’s me, Colin. I’m here.”

“Yes, Colin, I can hear you. I’ve missed you.”

“Sorry I missed you this morning. Had to pick my car up from the shop before school, then I had a late class on top of it.”

“You’re forgiven.” I smiled at the lens of the webcam, hoping he was watching. I wished I could see him, or that he would send me a picture of himself, but I was afraid to ask and he didn’t offer.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I brought some of my work with me. I have to take some notes while I listen to the group session.”

“Of course not. Do whatever you have to. I’m just going to go and brew some tea.”

While I made my tea, I heard the group session begin, with each member speaking, and Colin interjecting a comment from time to time. I returned to the computer with my steaming cup of Chai and settled in to listen. I wasn’t sure if I was going to participate that day or not, but I always found it beneficial to listen. Hearing the others acknowledge my presence with a collective, “Hi, Amona,” was enough to make me feel like I was part of the group. Listening to the others talk about their fears made me feel less alone, less like a freak.

Melissa had finished speaking and it was someone else’s turn. I nearly spit out my tea when I heard the name.

“Hi, my name is Amona, and I’m new to the group. So far all I’ve done is listen, but today I’d like to share.”

“Wait!” I shouted. “That’s my name! I mean – it’s the name Colin gave me! That isn’t me talking, she’s an impostor!”

Everyone ignored me, and Amona kept talking as if I had never interrupted.

“
I’m
Amona!” I shouted. “Will you people listen to me? I don’t know who she is, but I was Amona last session!” I burst into tears. “Why are you doing this to me? Who is that woman?”

Amona continued to speak throughout my outburst.

“
I’m
supposed to be Amona,” I whimpered, sobbing.

Why? Why did Colin give someone else the same made-up name as me? Or was the name not made-up at all? Why would he give me someone else’s name? If Amona was a real person, then what was I to him? I thought I was special. I thought I meant something to Colin, but now I knew how wrong I’d been. I was just another nobody, in a sea of faceless nutcases.

“Aw, don’t cry, Dana,” Colin said softly. “I know you must be sad and scared. I’m sad for you too. But please, no tears, okay?”

I swore I felt an invisible hand touch my cheek, wiping away the tears; that was how close I felt to Colin.

“I don’t want to lose you, Colin.”

“I’m right here, Dana. I’m going to stay with you as much as I can. I promise I won’t leave you.”

~*~

~ 11 ~

The intense emotion left me feeling drained, so I took a Valium and went to bed. I didn’t understand why someone else was using the pseudonym Colin had given me, or why he would have given me someone else’s name. He hadn’t offered an explanation, but he had comforted me and that meant the world.

As I was drifting off to sleep, an odd sensation came over me. I heard as much as felt it – an eerie white-noise static, along with a pins-and-needles tingle in my skin. I ran my fingers over my arm, the skin buzzed like live bees were beneath the surface. I felt like I was touching vibrating rubber instead of smooth skin.

I jerked awake.

As much as I wanted to submit to sleep, the sensation was too weird. It was soothing, yet frightening, like floating weightless while being sucked into an unseen vacuum.

I changed the channel on the TV and found a boring old movie to help me fall asleep.

I was almost asleep for the second time when the buzzing sensation returned. I was too sleepy from the Valium to fight it, so I relaxed and allowed the vibration to engulf my body. It was a pleasant feeling; not at all frightening. The vibration was my friend. I realized with excitement and some trepidation that I was about to take a journey.

Leaving my body was easy. I simply willed it to be so and I rose until I was floating above the bed, looking down at my peaceful form. I rose higher and higher until I felt the coolness of the ceiling against my back. I simply had to pass through the barrier and I would be free.

My fingers followed the line where the wall and ceiling met, stopping at the corner of the room. The point at which the two walls and ceiling converged formed the peak of a three-dimensional triangle. The energy of the three angles concentrated in this apex, and it was there that I would find the exit. I placed my hands near the corner and concentrated on matching my vibration to that of the wood. Once the frequencies matched, I would pass through the wall, just like water mixing with water. I had no idea
how
I knew this; I simply knew it.

The surface of the wall no longer felt hard and smooth. It felt fuzzy, like touching the sound of static. As the vibration increased it smoothed, like a finely-tuned radio station.

My hand passed through the wall.

I’m through!

Gliding through the wall was much like swimming through a tunnel of water.

I was outside, standing on a plateau, floating in nothingness. I looked down, expecting to see the roof of my house. There was nothing but empty space and stars – below, above – as far as the eye could see in every direction.

Now what?

As if answering my own question, I stretched my arms out Superman-style. I began to move immediately, picking up speed until the stars flew past like the space screensaver on a computer. My speed increased with a sudden burst that blurred the stars into a tunnel of fine white lines.

Did I do that?

Too quickly, the ride was over.

I heard voices, some of them familiar, but I couldn’t see anyone. I was surrounded by haze, but standing on a solid surface. As I struggled to see, the fog shimmered and then became clear.

I was in a dimly lit room filled with people. The air hummed with the murmur of many simultaneous conversations. I looked from one familiar face to the next, amazed at how many I recognized. It was strange, seeing so many people from different times of my life, all together in one room. I didn’t know
how
I was able to recognize them, since they looked nothing like the people I knew.

In fact, they didn’t even look human.

They were dogs.

They stood upright on two legs and talked, but they were dogs, all the same breed from the look of them – a mixture of wolf and German Shepherd, perhaps.

All at once I remembered. I was on Sirius, one of my home worlds. The Sirians were dog people. Some of them, myself included, were living simultaneous human lives on Earth. Some of them were my acquaintances and family from Earth.

We seemed to be at some sort of highly civilized canine cocktail party. I sensed an air of anticipation in the room.

Social anxiety forgotten, I chatted with my dog-friends, who greeted me with a lot more enthusiasm than the same people would have on Earth. We all enjoyed a good laugh at my sheepish confession that not only did I forget about my parallel life in the world of dogs, but that I was also terrified of dogs back on Earth.

“I know just how you feel,” one of them commented, “I’m terrified of humans!” The small group gathered around me literally howled with laughter.

Suddenly a hush fell over the room. Laughter turned to excited whispers.

“He’s coming!”

“Who?” I asked.

“Shh!”

I edged away from the doorway toward the obscurity of a darkened corner of the room. I had no desire to be anywhere near a VIP who would have all eyes upon him.

I bumped into someone in the darkness. It was a woman I’d never met before.

“Do you mind?” she snapped. She was a bitch in more ways than one, it seemed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see y…” My apology trailed off when I saw whom she was with.

“Colin!”

“What do you want?” his curt reply felt like a dagger in my heart.

“Colin, it’s me!”

“And?”

When I didn’t reply, he returned to his conversation with the bitch, seemingly unsurprised by my presence.

I was confused. Didn’t Colin know me? Me, in the flesh?

Flesh – and fur!
I reminded myself.

I tapped him on the shoulder. “Colin! It’s me!” He shrugged me off without even looking my way.

Tears stung my eyes and a hard mass lodged in my throat. I’d expected my first meeting with Colin to be anything but this, even if it was just a messed-up dream.

A hush fell over the room and everyone faced the entrance, where the mysterious VIP stood.

My jaw dropped.

An Egyptian god had entered the room.

Not just
any
Egyptian god. It was none other than Anubis.

He looked exactly the way Egyptian folklore depicted him, complete with jackal’s head and human body. And what a body! From the neck down he was human, bronze-skinned and rippling with muscles in all the right places – stunning to look at.

He was dressed ancient Egyptian style – a simple white tunic around his waist and heavy gold jewelry around his neck. A wide belt hung low over his hips, following the sensuous V of his lower abdomen and clasped over his groin with an elegant gold ankh. He exuded a palatable sexual energy that quickened my heartbeat and shortened my breath. The hurt I’d felt from Colin’s snub melted away as I drank in Anubis’ regal beauty.

Everyone in the room seemed to share my feelings about Anubis. Breathless, reverent silence followed him as he walked through the room, pausing to acknowledge each of us with a small nod. At the far end of the room he reached a large, elegant couch where he relaxed against a heap of colorful cushions with the majesty of a sultan in a harem. What I would have given to be part of his harem…

I looked back at Colin, who was still engaged in conversation with the woman, ignoring everyone else, even Anubis.

I decided to try once more to get his attention. I tapped his shoulder again, harder than before.

“Colin! Are you seeing this? Look at this guy! He’s amazing!” Once again, Colin shrugged me off and refused to look.

I was past hurt. Now I just felt angry.

Damn him! How dare he treat me this way?

On a table I noticed a vase with a single rose in it. I took the rose and approached Colin one more time. I had nothing to lose.

“Colin, look at me, damn it!” Still he ignored me. “Fine, then. If I have to do something ridiculous to get your attention, I will!”

I jabbed at him with the cut end of the rose, feigning swordplay. “En garde!” I laughed, giving him a poke in the arm. “Come on! You need to lighten up!”

Finally I got a reaction.

“Ouch!” he yelped. “Stop it, Dana!”

So he did recognize me!

The bitch-woman glared daggers at me, raising her upper lips to reveal sharp white canine teeth. A low growl rumbled from my throat. Baring my own fangs, I tensed in preparation for battle.

“Carly, no!” Colin snapped, stepping in front of her.

* * *

Back in my bed, I sat up, fully awake, my insides a cyclone of emotion: hurt, anger, astonishment and remnants of sexual energy from the image of Anubis.

As bizarre as the dog dream had been, it was a relief not to have a horrible nightmare for once. My anger at Colin quickly dissipated as I reflected on the incredible dream. I couldn’t wait to tell him about it.

It was just past 6 am. Colin would probably be awake. I brewed a pot of coffee while my system booted up.

My Skype call connected almost immediately. As usual, I had sound but the video window was black. It occurred to me that maybe Colin was intentionally preventing me from seeing him on camera. He could have put a piece of tape or something over his webcam.

“Morning sunshine!” I greeted, unable to hide the false cheerfulness from my voice. “Sleep well?”

He didn’t answer.

“I had the most amazing dream, and you were in it.” I began, but he interrupted me, as usual. I tolerated this annoying habit of his because he always had something more interesting to say than I did.

“Excuse me if I’m kind of quiet today, but I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think my schedule is getting the best of me.” He sounded like he was yawning. “I’m so tired. I wish we could just run away and take a vacation somewhere.”

“That would be so nice.”

“I think I dreamed about you last night,” he said. “I wish I could tell you what it was all about. All I remember is that you were there, but something was keeping us apart.”

“I dreamed about you too. You were talking to some woman who wouldn’t let me near you.” I sighed. “I know it’s just a dream, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s some truth to it. Who is Carly?”

Colin didn’t answer. After a few moments of silence he steered the conversation in a different direction, solidifying my fear that the woman from the dream was real.

“Dreams are amazing things,” he said. “I find the mind such a fascinating place. It’s one of the things that made me want to be a psychiatrist to begin with.” I wondered why he sounded so sad. “You’re a great listener, Dana. I wish all my future patients could be like you.”

“You’re going to make a great shrink someday,” I told him. “Maybe I would have actually gone to the appointment if it had been you.”

Colin didn’t reply.

“I’m not exactly the dream patient, pardon the pun,” I added.

“Although…” he said, “I’m not sure I’d want to take you on as a patient.”

“Why not?”

“It’s unethical for a doctor to date his patients. If you were my patient, I could never ask you out.”

“I’d like that.” I told him, blushing. When I realized he could see me, I blushed even redder and turned my face away from the camera.

“I bought you something,” he said. His voice sounded choked. “It’s a rose. I wish I could give it to you. I-I wish you could see it… smell it. It has a wonderful scent.”

A breeze wafted past my face, carrying with it the honeyed perfume of rose petals.

“How did you do that?” I whispered. It was truly astonishing what the mind was capable of creating when some sensory input was absent.

Colin didn’t answer. I heard the sounds of him moving around, the clunk of what was probably his coffee mug on his desk, and the scrape of his chair across the floor.

“I have to go,” he said.

~*~