Perfectly Messy (26 page)

I text her.

Me: Bad service. I’m on my way over. Are you okay?

A moment later she texts back.

Lucy: Yup. Just laughing over this foolish photo. Don’t worry about me.

My insides burn knowing she’s hiding her real reaction from me. Why is she so afraid to let me know how hard this is for her?

As I pull onto the highway, the answer is clear. She’s trying to protect me from the truth.

That I should be protecting her.

There’s heaviness in my gut that sucks all happiness away.

It’s like I’m standing at the edge of a gorge, white rapids thrashing below. Lucy’s head pops up and she calls my name before she’s sucked under once more.

I’d jump without thinking about the rocks, the depth, and the rapids. I’d do anything to save her.

My knuckles have turned white from my grip on the steering wheel. I take a deep breath, knowing and hating what I have to do.

***

Her hair hangs wild, curling loosely as she greets me at the door. Those blue eyes are beautiful, even when they’re bloodshot. My arms find their way around her, trying to memorize the feel of her. I breathe her in. My favorite smell will always be an apple.

“I’m sorry about the new photos, Lady.” My heart sinks… Lady… My Lady. How did I let this happen to her? “I’m so sick of this.”

Her face smashes into my chest. “Me too.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I just want it to end, for both of us. It’s not who we are.” She looks over my shoulder at the driveway. “Where’s your car?”

“I walked.”

“From home?”

“Yeah, just needed to de-stress.” Another lie. My car’s around the block. A toy siren sounds from behind the kitchen door. “Is your family home?”

“Of course. After revealing the whole bullying thing, they barely leave me alone. It’d be nice to not have them hanging around every time you’re here.”

I nod, wishing they were gone too, but not for the same reason as Lucy. Her lips brush lightly against mine, and I force myself to keep still. Sensing my restraint, she ends the kiss quickly.

“Would you want to go for a walk?”

“Go outside with you? Really? Are our rules changing?” Lucy teases as she grabs her coat from the closet. My gut clenches. She has no idea how much the rules are about to change for us.

The current rules aren’t working.

It’s time for drastic measures if I’m going to keep her safe.

We walk hand-in-hand through the paths to a field. I scan the trees, looking for a flash, a lens, or, I don’t know, someone hanging out of a tree with a huge sign that says Camera Man. Who knows where the photographers are, but for once I’m relieved. This time, the photos will end up being a good thing.

“How’s everything going with your dad?”

“Good. He’s been much more himself since he fired Paul last month. We’re spending a lot more time together. It’s nice.”

“That’s great.”

“Yeah.” Ugh, lame response. Seriously, I have to make this believable.

“You okay?” Her question is my window of opportunity. Spinning her around to face me, I take both of her hands.

“No.”

“What’s wrong?” The depth of her blue eyes torture me. For a moment, I almost lose resolve and tell her all about the bid rejection on the James J. Hill House. Or tell her how much it kills me that she keeps hiding how much the photo scandal is affecting her. Instead, I rub the stubble on my jaw and step away from her. Time to play douchebag.

“Lucy, this isn’t working.” My eyes dart away from hers, both purposely so she’ll think I’m immature and, more selfishly, because I’m not strong enough to watch her go through this.

“What do you mean?” Her voice is soft.

“Us,” I say bluntly. “We aren’t working out.” I pull my hands through my hair, flexing under my sweater to be the egotistical guy she hated last summer.

It takes her a moment but, finally, she steps away from me. I glance up, watching the clouds reflect in her eyes. “But…” She hesitates and looks at me. Those blue eyes penetrate my heart. She reaches out, placing her hand on my heart. “Justin Marshall, don’t you dare act like the hero right now.”

Bullseye.

The weight of her hand is easy to remove. “I’m sorry, Lucy. I wish that was the case, but none of this feels right.”

“Of course it doesn’t, you fool. You’re breaking up with me.” There’s fire behind her words and that’s the only thing that gives me the strength to keep going. I’ve seen that fire before. She’s strong enough to move on and away from me.

“It’s been a long time coming,” I lie.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. We just don’t mesh right. I can’t explain it. We’re rarely together anymore. I’ve had a lot of time alone. Time to think.” Her brow arches. She’s totally not buying it. Why didn’t I plan this out? “The truth is, you’re not my type. You’re a bit too awkward and your family, well...” I can’t say it. I can’t actually throw her mom on the train tracks after knowing what they’ve been through.

Her lips part and her face drains of color. It’s slight, but her shoulders slump.

I hate myself.

“It’s time for me to move on.” I barely get the words out.

“To the other girls?” she whispers, giving me an out that I’d only take if I was cruel. There’s no way I can take it that far.

“There aren’t any other girls.” I take a quick breath, ready to make the final split. “Don’t you dare insinuate I’d cheat on you. You know I’m not like that.”

Her breath catches on her lip, hanging visible in the chilled air between us. Tears spill over her cheeks.

“I’m just not feeling it anymore, okay? Unfortunately, we aren’t meant to be.” I force annoyance into my tone, hating myself with each syllable. We stand, several feet apart, staring at the ground. I need to push it further. Give her a reason to hit me.

“But, listen,” I begin, ignoring my heart screaming in the flames. “I’m open to benefits occasionally.”

Her eyes fly to mine. “Benefits?”

I stretch out my shoulder to make myself look like a cock. “Yeah, you know—making out or whatever. Maybe next year in college, you can be my stress relief?” The words that fly out of my mouth bring a bit of bile with it. I swallow, not believing I know how to
play
this guy so well. It shouldn’t come this easily.

She takes a step closer. “Excuse me?”

“Maybe if we’re not together, we can actually get away with some of the stuff made up in the photos. Hands-on experience?”

With one step, her palms fly into my chest, throwing her weight at me. I fly backwards, taking the hit and landing dramatically in the snow. Grabbing my chest, I groan.

There’s your photo, dude.

Lucy steps over me, a sob escaping as she rushes back to the path. Back to home, where her parents are waiting. Good parents that won’t let me down in their love for her.

When she’s out of sight, I brush the snow from my hair and flip off the tree-line. There. Happy now? I push myself up and out of the snow, walking along the tracks Lucy and I made together. Forward, I’ve got to move forward and get to my car that I conveniently parked around the corner.

With the door finally shut, I throw on my sunglasses, seeking safety from any lurking photographers. The pain comes then, that horrid break I knew would sever my soul. “Lucy,” I whisper through quick breaths that fight back tears. It’s no use though, the tears come, shaking my chest as the reality hits that I just forced away the only person in my life who feels right.

Lucy, the girl I’ll love forever. My Lady.

Lucy

Mom grabs me as my knees crash into the kitchen floor.

“What’s happening?” Dad’s voice bounces through my head, but I can’t get the words out past the sobs. Mom rubs my shoulders. “It’ll be okay, Lucy.”

“What will be okay? What’s happened? More photos?” Dad rushes to the laptop.

“No,” I gasp. “Yes. I…” Gagging takes over, a bowl lands in front of me just in time.

“Was she poisoned? Sarah, I’m calling the cops.”

“No, Dan,” Mom says softly. “It’s not that. It’s…”

“Justin,” I whisper. “He…” But the words won’t come out. Instead I fold in half, pressing myself into the floor harder with every new sob, wishing they’d swallow me whole.

“Oh.” Dad’s hands lift me from the floor. “Let’s get you to your room, okay?”

“He doesn’t love me.”

Dad kisses my head as he leads me up the stairs, Mom right behind. Somehow, they get me to bed, turned toward the wall. Mom slides beside me, resting her hand on my back. Her hand is my constant as my body freaks out. Sobbing, gagging, gasping for breath.

Justin.

I know he’s been keeping his distance since the photographs, but I still can’t believe I missed his shift.

I’m such a fool.

He too easily tossed me aside. His love was never real.

Justin

Nothing can prepare you for breaking two hearts at once. I’m an expert at filleting a heart. Every text I’ve ignored is me slicing into her and back into myself. At least the texts have stopped. It’s been over two weeks since she’s reached out. A full month of ignoring Lucy. But it worked; she’s off the internet, out of the paper. Her last photo showed her shoving me to the ground. She came out with her reputation intact, looking confident and strong.

The C minus marked on the top of my assignment actually feels good, finally a punishment for hurting the love of my life. I grab my bag as the teacher stacks the essay tests up front. Jen leans over. “Where are you going?”

“Ditching class.”

“Justin…” She grabs me, dragging me to her side. “Don’t you dare miss this essay. I can’t cover for you right now.”

“No need to try,” I say, enjoying the burn of what my actions will surely bring me.

“You’ll fail the class.”

“I know. I’m cool with that.” It feels good to brush past her after all of the lectures she’s given me about breaking up with Lucy. She thinks I’m an ass, and maybe I am, but she’s seriously getting annoying. The exit door at the top of the steps makes a giant creak as I yank it open. Nice angsty exit. No wonder people make stupid decisions. This rush is total freedom.

The wormy smell of spring hits me like oil-based paint as I step outside. March doesn’t mean sunshine and flowers in Minnesota. It means filthy snow, heavy clouds, and a general feeling of being pissed off.

As I yank open my car door, I’m jolted sideways. What the hell? Ian stands behind me, holding me back from the car with the strap of my bag.

“What’s up? We haven’t talked in a while,” Ian says, without his usual smile.

“I’ve been busy.”

“Dude, you don’t have to lie. I know you broke up with Lucy.”

“Did she tell you?” The jealousy from those winter nights he spent with Lucy in a hotel resurfaces. “Did you mop up her tears, too?”

Ian takes a step away from me, dropping the strap of my bag. “Whoa, who the hell are you?” His words are a punch to my gut. That’s a good question. I don’t even know.

He turns to leave but pauses to say one more thing. “For the record, I did mop up her tears. I never thought they’d end, but they did.”

“About time.”

He stares at me for a second, then waves me away. “I was planning on asking your permission, but never mind. If I ask Lucy out, you obviously don’t give a rip.”

Dating Lucy?

What?

He leaves then, sliding into the rusty shell of what was once a Toyota Corolla. His engine chokes to life and he peels out of the parking lot, leaving me in the thickness of the gas fumes. My palm flies to my phone, opening it to read Lucy’s last text one more time. The only text from all of her attempts to communicate that I refused to believe. Is it the truth?

Lucy: I’m over you now. I realize what we had wasn’t real love. Goodbye.

My phone slides from my hand, bouncing on the pavement. The screen faces up at me, splintered like a spiderweb. Pretty sure my soul looks like that too. Why am I such an idiot? Here I’ve been going through self-destruction because of guilt and Lucy’s already moved on.

I grab a pen and run back toward the building. Well, if she can’t recognize what we had as true love, then maybe she never really loved me at all. The thought of her not loving me burns in my chest. My arrogance will forever be a battle for me. Losing her love never seemed like an option, even when I split things off.