Perfect You (12 page)

But I was so afraid she wouldn't.

I got up and walked down to the main mall corridor, hoping I looked casual and not worried. I stopped and stared in the window of a shoe store, pretending I was looking at a truly ugly pair of heels. Then I went into the only store in the mall that sold decent jeans and flipped through the first rack, the one by the door, as I glanced toward the ATM in what I hoped was a not totally pathetic way.

Anna still wasn't there. I flipped through the jeans again. I pretended I was reading a price tag.

I looked up, and saw Anna standing with Diane by a rack at the back of the store. She was looking at me.

Then she bit her lip and looked away.

I turned around, bumping into the rack, which gave a protesting wheeze. I walked away fast, heading toward the ATM. I stopped halfway there, my eyes stinging, hot with tears I wasn't going to shed. Not here. Not now.

I turned back toward the main part of the mall again, blindly trying to get away from everything, even myself, and saw Anna standing there, hands clenched tight around the shopping bags she was holding.

"Don't be mad," she said, her voice pleading. "I didn't know Diane was going to be here.

I ran into her right after I talked to you, and she wanted me to go with her to get some shoes and then look at jeans and I--"

"Didn't want to meet me anymore."

"That's not--Kate, come on. Would I be here if that was true?" She sounded so much like herself, so Anna, that I felt my eyes sting again. "Besides, you've actually saved me.

Shopping with Diane is--well, she's kind of. . . you know."

"Actually, I don't."

"Score one for you," Anna said, grinning. When I didn't grin back, she sighed. "The thing about Diane is that she's kind of insecure about everything. You wouldn't believe how much she obsesses over jeans.

She's convinced the back pockets make her butt look huge." She rolled her eyes at me the way she used to whenever someone like Diane would push past us like we didn't exist.

She was making fun of Diane. She knew Diane wasn't some amazing person just because she was popular and had the ability to make others feel like dirt! She was still my Anna.

I grinned back at her. "So she's afraid of back pockets?"

Anna's grin grew wider and she moved in closer, nudging my leg with one of the shopping bags she held.

"She is! This one time, we tried on jeans for something like four hours, and she--" Anna looked over her shoulder real fast, and then turned back to me. "She didn't like any of them until I said, 'Oh, I love these!' about some random pair. It was weird, like she needed me to want something so she could get it and I wouldn't be able to."

"Really?" Actually, it didn't sound weird to me. It sounded just like Diane, and I couldn't believe Anna would put up with it. She used to talk so bad about Diane every time we saw her that I thought Anna really hated her.

"Yeah, it's crazy. You want to sit down?"

"Sure," I said, and we sat on the bench where I'd waited before.

"So, I'm thinking of getting my hair cut really short," Anna said, looking around and then smiling at me. "I sort of fried it the first time I dyed it because I did it myself. Does it look totally weird blond?"

"No, it looks good." "Thanks. I'm always afraid Mom is going to drag out photos for Sam to see and it's like,

'Hi, Mom, let's not remind him I used to be a fat ass with bad hair."'

"You weren't ever--"

"Oh, please. I was disgusting. Fat and boring."

"Hey, that's my friend you're talking about."

She smiled at me again, but this time it was different, almost sad. "You're so nice to me, Kate. I--hey, is the mall closing?"

"What? Oh, yeah," I said, as the mall closing chimes dinged. "It's sad, but now that I work here, that sound is the best noise--"

"Oh no," she said, jumping up and grabbing her bags. "I totally forgot I was supposed to go home and hear about Mom's job search, and you know how she is when she thinks I'm ignoring her." She started frantically digging around in her purse. "Where are my keys? Where the hell--?"

"Here," I said, and took her purse. "I'll get them." They were in the bottom, stuck under her wallet just like always, except now she had a car key next to her house key. I'd seen Anna's car around and always wondered what it would be like to ride in it. Maybe I'd find out now.

"This sucks," she said when I handed them to her. "I don't want to go, but Mom--"

"I know." I did. Anna's mom was intense, and not in a good way. She loved Anna and didn't care much about anything else, which meant Anna got whatever she wanted but was also basically her mom's only friend, as well as her shrink.

"I want to give you a ride home, but I need to go. I hope you aren't mad, because I really don't want you to--"

"I'm not mad, and everything will be okay with your mom."

"Promise?" she said, like she always did whenever she was worried about talking to her mother.

"Promise," I said, just like always too, and she hugged me then, hard, saying, "I miss you so much, you have no idea. Thank you for putting up with me."

I felt pretty good after she left. Almost great, even. I would have to catch a ride home with Dad, but that wasn't a big deal. Anna talking to me--now that was a big deal. And it had been fun. It even felt like we'd never stopped talking at all, especially toward the end.

I walked back to the main part of the mall, which was now mostly empty, and then, for some reason, I stopped. I don't know why I did this, but I went back the way I came. I passed the store I'd seen Anna and Diane in, and Diane came out as I walked by.

She didn't seem to notice me, and I followed her past the bench I'd sat on with Anna, and then down to the door I'd seen Anna leave through. I pretended I was using the ATM as she went outside, and heard her say, "Okay, why were you acting so weird before? And where did you run off to?" as the mall door swung closed.

She had to be talking to Anna. The bottled-up tears from before stung my eyes again, and I leaned against the door until the feeling passed, telling myself not to look.

I did anyway.

There was nothing to see except a car out by the edge of the parking lot, pulling onto the road. I didn't try to see if I recognized it. I didn't want to.

Anna had talked to me. She missed me. That meant something. I knew it did.

It had to.

But part of me knew it didn't mean enough. A part of me hated how pathetic I was around Anna, how desperate I was to have her talk to me. I couldn't help myself, though. I missed her enough to take crap from her that I wouldn't take from anyone else because I wanted her to come back to me for real. Be my friend again for real, be the Anna who had always been part of my life.

The next day, I ran into Will right after last period ended.

"Locker run," he said, like those two words explained something. Which they didn't, because I knew exactly where Will's locker was, and it wasn't here.

Obviously, however, I couldn't say that.

"I'm going to meet my ride," I said, and was sorry as soon as the words were out. What if Will thought I was asking him to walk with me? I didn't want to be pathetic.

More than usual, I mean.

He nodded. And walked with me! "Are you going to Jennifer T.'s party?" I didn't know Jennifer was having a party. I looked at him, to see if he was kidding, and he looked back at me, smiling, but there was something tentative, almost fragile, in his eyes. I looked away afraid that if I didn't I might do something stupid like tell him how much I liked him.

"I wasn't invited."

"I heard her ask you in first period."

Had she said something about a party? Now that he mentioned it, I did remember her babbling at me during biology, but I'd been so busy wondering if Anna would say anything to me (she hadn't, she didn't even look at me once all day) that I didn't really listen. "Oh, I thought you were talking about something else. But yeah, I think I might go."

"Me too."

"Really?" We were walking almost close enough for our shoulders to touch, and I had a sudden (and insane) desire to tell him about last night, about talking to Anna. To ask him what he thought. I wondered what he was thinking now, and wished I could ask him why he was asking me about Jennifer's party.

"Yeah. See you around?" he said, and gave me that look again, the intense one that made me want to shove him up against a wall and kiss him until I couldn't breathe.

"Sure." I was proud of how calm I sounded. Almost sophisticated, even.

Then I walked outside, saw my father sitting in his car wearing the stupid carrot hat he'd been talking about, and realized I was never going to be sophisticated. Not that it stopped me from asking Dad if I could take the night off. Or telling him to never ever wear the carrot hat when he was anywhere near school.

"In fact, just don't wear it when you're not at the mall," I said.

"I forgot I had it on," he said, grinning at me. "It's just so comfortable that I--"

"I'm still not wearing one, Dad. And what about tonight? I don't have to work, do I?"

"I'd like to give you the night off, honey. But what if it gets busy?"

I looked out the window and forced myself to take a deep breath. "It's not usually busy.

And I worked by myself when you and Todd went to the movies. And that time you did that thing at the library."

"Your mother has to work tonight, so she won't be able to take you anywhere."

"I'll get a ride." I didn't know how I'd do that, but I'd think of something. If necessary, I'd even ask (shudder) Grandma.

"Big plans?" Dad actually sounded curious, and when I glanced at him he was looking at me strangely, almost like I'd grown horns. Or was wearing a carrot hat.

"Not really. I just want to go out, that's all."

"You're growing up so fast," he said, and I realized he was looking at me so strangely because he was doing that choked-up thing parents do when they realize that you're sixteen and not, say, three. "You know, if there's ever anything you want to talk about, or any questions you might have--" "Dad, if I don't know about sex by now, I'm pretty much doomed, don't you think?"

"Maybe I wasn't talking about . . . that."

"I heard you say the exact same thing to Todd after you caught him and his girlfriend doing it in his room."

"All right, all right," Dad said hastily, his face bright red. "So you've heard my little speech about being responsible before. I still mean it, though. You can talk to me about anything."

I knew he meant it. He'd die of embarrassment if I ever did ask about sex, but he'd at least die trying, and that was nice to know, especially since a lot of the time it seemed like he saw me as a vitamin pack mule. "Thanks, Dad."

"Hey, Kate," he said when I was getting out of the car at home, "have a good time tonight, okay?"

I nodded.

"You're a special girl, and I hope you know that you should wait until you meet a guy who appreciates you for who you are before--"

"Tonight isn't about a guy, Dad." And it wasn't. Not exactly. I mean, I was just going to a party, and if a certain someone happened to be there, then he was there. It wasn't like it was a big deal or anything.

I reminded myself of that a lot, especially after I'd changed clothes for the fourth time.

And after I caught myself having imaginary conversations with Will. (Good--Him: "Kate, you're so beautiful, I can't stop thinking about you." Me: "You're so sweet. Tell me more." Bad--Him: "Oh, hey, Kate. I didn't see you. I was too busy making out with Sarah." Me: "I didn't see you either, because I was looking for my . . . my date." Him: "Date? You? Oh, that's funny. Sarah, isn't Kate funny?") Once I'd finally found something to wear that wasn't totally hideous, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Grandma was already in there, examining two identical-looking eye shadows.

"Bought these today, darling," she said. "Which one looks best?"

"Whichever one will let you let me use the bathroom."

She laughed but didn't move. Typical. "You look nice. Are you going somewhere?"

"To see some friends."

"What time are you leaving?"

What time? Great. I'd spent so much time thinking about Will asking me if I was going to be at the party that I hadn't thought about the actual party. "I'm not sure. I mean, soon."

Grandma frowned at the eye shadows. "Maybe I should have bought a third color too."

I gave up and grabbed my toothbrush, then headed to Mom and Dad's bathroom.

By the time I'd gotten my breath as minty fresh as I could and left a message for Mom saying I'd call by midnight for a ride home, I realized I still needed a ride. I hyperventilated in the front hall for a while, trying to figure out how I could get Grandma to take me there without having to talk to her on the way, and just when I'd realized it wasn't possible and I'd have to spend the night at home, Todd came in and said, "Hey, loser, Dad said you were going out. Guess he was wrong."

"Not that it's any of your business, but I am going out. What are you doing here?"

He grinned at me. "Dad said I could take off early. He felt bad because I had to stay and help out this afternoon so someone could go home and get ready for her big night. So, how is standing in the hall working out for you?"

I saluted him with my middle finger. "You're such a disease."

"Todd, darling, is that you?" Grandma called from the living room. "Come here and say hello."

Todd's eyes got wide. I grinned at him and, in my loudest voice, called out, "Grandma, he's--"

"Stop," he whispered, cutting me off. "What do you want?"

"A ride," I whispered back.

"Fine," he said, and jerked his head in the direction of Grandma's voice. "Tell her I'm not here."

I rolled my eyes at him, but said, "He's not here, Grandma."

"I thought I heard him."

"No, it's just me." I looked at Todd, who was edging toward the door, and clamped one hand onto his arm. "And I'm going now, Grandma. Bye!"

"That was so wrong," Todd said when we got outside. "I can't believe you were going to rat me out to Grandma. I'd never--"