Perfect Freedom (48 page)

Toni took his hands and put them on his cock. “There. It's just a cock. It's so like yours that it can't even have the interest of novelty.”

Robbie's heart stopped. His hands felt numb. He was holding the core of Toni's splendor. He gazed at it for an incredulous moment and looked up. “Oh, Toni,” he murmured. “Oh, my God. You're so wonderful.”

Toni was moved by the yearning in the dark ardent eyes. He touched his cheek tenderly. “Go on. Get ready for bed. I want to talk to you.”

He went. Toni sat on the edge of the table and drank and hoped he was handling this right. Short of leaving, he couldn't see any alternative. There was no point being rough with him. That would just lead to hysteria. They would find out together why he thought he was queer and go on from there. He couldn't believe anybody would
want
to be queer if there was anything to be done about it.

Robbie emerged from the bedroom with his hands in his dressing-gown pockets. Toni drained his glass and put it down and stood. “I'm naked. You can be too,” he said, going to him.

“But I'm—I—”

“You've got a hard on? We've seen each other like that.” Robbie removed his hands from his pockets and his erection swung out between them. Toni put a hand on it. Robbie's whole body gave a little leap. Toni smiled reassuringly. “You don't have to be shy with me. That's probably part of the whole trouble.”

“You don't understand,” Robbie protested breathlessly. “The other night—I wasn't dreaming. I came because you touched me.”

“We'll have to fix it so that I can't make you come.” He took the dressing gown and put his arm around his waist and headed him back toward the bedroom. “Come on. We're going to bed. The way things are, I can do what I've been wanting to do.” He dropped his arm and ran a hand over his buttocks. “Yes. Just what I thought. It's fantastic, like that statue.”

Robbie was breathing deeply, trying to stave off a climax. He didn't understand what was happening but everything that Toni did was more exciting than making love. He glanced down and saw that Toni's cock remained soberingly inert. He was just being kind and friendly. They reached the bed and Toni gave his behind another caress and they dropped down and stretched out together under the sheet. Toni propped himself on an elbow and put his hand on Robbie's chest and looked down at him with eyes full of solicitude. Robbie put a hand over Toni's and pressed it against his heart.

“It's a shame, really,” Toni said, “that loving somebody is so different from wanting to make love. I want to kiss your mouth. The first time I saw you, I wished you were a girl so I could.” He lowered his head and their lips touched. It was a gentle, passionless kiss but it sent tremors of delight racing through Robbie's body. He didn't dare wonder what he might do next. “How many times has it happened?” Toni demanded.

“You mean how many boys? Ten, I think, in the last two months. No. Nine. None before.”

“I see. It's gone further than I thought. Edward?”

“Yes, but not anymore. I told him last night I wouldn't because of you. I've never been in love before. I didn't know what it was like.”

“What
is
it like, little brother? I'm not sure I've ever been.”

“It's everything. It's knowing that there's only one person in the world who matters. I didn't know until yesterday and I've been half insane ever since when you weren't with me. I worship everything about you, even your girls. I'd do anything for you. I don't care if I never see anybody else.” He felt his sublime substance against him, the hand on his chest, the other that was beginning to move through his hair, the flaccid sex pressed against his hip. Could he think of anything to say that would arouse it? “You don't want me but I know I'll never be any happier than I am right now. A little while ago, I thought of killing myself but I never will as long as you're alive. I'll always want to be somewhere you can find me if you need me. I'll always hope you might love me the way I love you.”

“I can't, so what're we going to do now?” He kicked off the sheet and moved his hand from Robbie's chest down to his erection and held it. “I want to find out how to make it stop getting hard for me.”

“The way you touch me—haven't you ever done it with boys?”

“A few—when I was drunk and with somebody who wanted it very badly, and it was late and cold outside and I was in a comfortable place I didn't want to leave. Once, I almost thought I wanted it too, but it's never been good.” He didn't see any need to tell about the few other times when he'd done it for professional advancement. It sounded too much like whoring.

“What did you do?” Robbie asked, hardly daring to breathe.

“Nothing. I just lay there and let them suck my cock.”

“Let me,” Robbie whispered. “Oh God, please. That's all I want.”

“I didn't want to see them again afterward,” he warned sharply.

Robbie's eyes contracted with pain. “Would you feel that way about me?”

“I don't know Maybe not, but don't you understand? I love you. I don't want to see you doing a thing like that.”

“Does it disgust you?”

“For a boy to do it? Of course.”

“We're naked together. You're holding me. You're doing things with my cock that're about to make me come. I thought only homosexuals would do that.”

“I wish nobody had ever heard of homosexuality. I can do things with you that I wouldn't do with anybody else. Once everybody starts talking about homosexuality, I can't even kiss you without being queer. Those nine boys. You probably wouldn't've thought of wanting them if you hadn't heard that things like that happen; and if you
had
wanted them you wouldn't've thought that it made you a queer. I don't suppose one more will make much difference. Go on. Do it if you want, but you've got to promise you won't do it with anybody else.”

Robbie's eyes widened and his heart began to go through its complicated changes of pace. “That's easy. I told you. Nobody exists but you. Do you mean it?”

Whatever Robbie was, Toni knew that this was no ordinary crush. His great eyes blazed with an intensity of passion that caused a flutter in the pit of his stomach. “I'm trying to do what's right for you. It doesn't do anything for me but you can try.” He dropped back and lay out flat.

Robbie uttered a strangled exultant cry and in a fever of adoration moved his mouth over the smooth resplendent body that had been offered him. He darted his tongue along the thrilling concavities alongside Toni's pelvis and felt his friend's cock beginning to stir at last. His heart was pounding as his mouth reached it and moved over its soft velvet length. His lips parted and drew it in and took possession of it. His heart was going to burst from his chest. He worshiped the god in Toni. The flesh in his mouth was alive, lengthening, swelling, stretching his jaws. It claimed him and took possession of his mouth with a long rigid thrust. Toni made little murmuring sounds. Robbie moaned with ecstasy. His offering to the god was pleasing. He was in deep communion with all the beauty in life.

If he kept his eyes closed, Toni thought, it could be a girl, except that Robbie did it more excitingly than anybody ever had before. He made his desire startlingly vivid. Toni didn't know if this was proof of a perverted nature or simply the effect he had on Robbie. In either case, there was no doubt that he craved the cock in his mouth. His cock. His orgasm was quick and agreeable.

Robbie was transported onto a new level of bliss as he swallowed the precious fluid and felt his own orgasm gathering to an overwhelming climax. He flung himself back with a groan. He was aware of quick movement beside him and of lips on him. His orgasm exploded into Toni's mouth. When he could see again, Toni was sitting hugging one knee, his back turned to him. His shoulders rose and fell and grew still. Had it really happened? Robbie went spinning off into the clouds and returned with a shock of apprehension. Why didn't Toni say anything? The silence was becoming frightening.

“Did you do that with the others?” he asked faintly.

“No,” Toni replied in a neutral voice.

“Did you hate it?”

“Not exactly. It was strange. I knew it wouldn't kill me. Girls like it but I'm not a girl. I won't do it again.”

“You didn't have to.”

“No. Kids pledge eternal friendship with their blood. I suppose that's what I was doing.”

“Oh God, I love you so. I don't care if we never do anything again. I just want to be with you.”

“Don't be silly. You'll go on wanting sex. Until we get you over this, you won't have it with anybody but me.”

“There couldn't be anybody else.”

“But it's so unnatural,” Toni burst out. He dropped back and lay beside Robbie. “Don't you feel it? Look at our bodies.” He moved a hand roughly over Robbie's chest. “There's nothing here for me to play with and make love to.” He moved his hand down to his shrinking erection. “Here, this just gets in the way. There's no way for me to take you.”

Robbie looked into the green eyes and saw no remorse or shame or hostility for what they'd done, only concern and perplexity. Nothing was going to stop them from being friends. They could talk about anything. “There is a way,” he said carefully.

“Sure, but I don't want to think about it. We may not be brothers but we're friends. I don't want us to be disgusted with each other. How did this start? What happened the first time?” Robbie told him about Rico. Toni listened, shaking his head impatiently from time to time. “I could kill the bastard. He's probably found out that if he can't get a girl he'd rather have a boy than masturbate, but look what he's done to you. You wanted sex, naturally, and you discover that you can have it with a boy and away you go with eight more. I guess we have to count me. Nine more.”

“Have you always thought about girls? I mean, when you masturbated or had a hard on or something, did you always wish you had a girl?”

“Of course.”

“I never have. I tried to but it always turned out to be a man.”

“It's probably because you grew up alone. You didn't have any brothers or kids to play with. Kids are always curious about each other's bodies. They show off their cocks and jerk off together and all that. I used to fool around with one of my brothers. It probably happens to a lot of boys but they get over it. You never had that so it's probably just happening to you now. You'll get over it too, but it's dangerous because you're too old for it. It's apt to become a part of your grown-up life.”

“What about boys like Edward? He's had girls but he'd rather have a boy.”

“He's a
pédé.
They exist, of course, but they're different. There's something wrong with them. I can always spot them. I knew about Edward right away. You're not like that.”

“I'm not sure. I'm glad you don't think there's anything wrong with me.”

“There isn't. You can fool around with me the way my brother and I did. We didn't do what we just did, but we might have if we'd thought of it. We did some pretty crazy things. You'll get bored with it. I know you will. Then you'll be ready for real sex.”

“You mean with a girl?”

“Well, isn't that what sex is all about—a man and a woman? You don't pay enough attention to girls. I've noticed. I don't mean trying to get them but just making friends with them. They're nice. When you find one you like you'll want to touch her, and if she likes to touch you, you'll soon want a lot more. It's natural. You've probably noticed how much I like to touch you, and with girls it's even more so. Maybe I do it too much but that's the way I grew up. We were always hugging and kissing and keeping each other warm in bed at night and everything. You never touch me. It doesn't seem natural.”

“I've been afraid you'd guess. Every time I touch you I get a hard on.”

“That's part of being alone. If you touched me all the time, you wouldn't. A guy can stay hard only just so long.” He gathered himself together and scrambled up on Robbie and lay out on top of him. He slipped an arm under his head and tilted it up to him. He put his mouth on his and darted his tongue between his lips. He rolled away and lay on his back, laughing. Robbie was gasping. His chest was heaving. His revived erection lay on his belly. Toni reached for it and lifted it and let it drop. “I'll bet in another week or two, I won't be able to make it get like that even if I want to. I hope you'll still let me kiss your mouth every now and then. It's so beautiful. Are we ready to go to sleep? I'll hold your cock. That should give you sweet dreams.”

“It'll be the most fabulous night of my life. You don't know what I've been through. I've been so terrified for you to know. I don't understand how you can be so wonderful to me.”

“We're brothers. I won't be much of a lover but I'll do what I can to make you happy so long as I'm the only one. If I ever find out you've had the eleventh, I'll leave. Don't forget that.”

“There'll never be another with you here. I promise.” They looked into each other's eyes and their heads moved to each other and they kissed lightly. Robbie turned out the light and they rolled in close against each other and Toni put his hand where he'd promised it would be. Robbie took a deep shuddering breath and his eyes brimmed with tears of happiness. Deep incredulous contentment washed through him and he slept.

In the solitary peace and clarity of morning, he slowly digested the fact that Toni simply didn't believe that he was different from other boys; he was only suffering from a slight indisposition that Toni was going to cure. Since the cure included free access to Toni's body, he resolved to do his best to give the impression that little by little it was having an effect. Maybe it would have. When he thought of how pleased Toni would be, he hoped it would.