Perfect Daughter (19 page)

‘Please don’t feel lonely. You’ve got a lot of people who care about you and you’ve achieved a lot, Jacks. Two great kids…’ Being childless, Gina considered this to be her friend’s greatest achievement.

‘I know. I know. And I love them, you know that.’

Gina nodded.

‘But, sometimes, it’s not enough.’

‘I think we all feel a bit like that sometimes.’

‘I’ve always thought of him as the one that got away.’

‘Got away from what?’ Gina twisted her body towards her mate.

‘From me!’ Jacks cried then, gulping down tears laced with embarrassment.

‘Oh God, you’re really sobbing!’

‘Sorry, G.’ She sniffed some more.

‘I had no idea you felt this way, Jacks. God, if I thought it was going to upset you, I’d never have mentioned the bloody magazine or going to see him. I thought it was just a laugh. I’m sorry.’

‘No, don’t be sorry. It hasn’t upset me.’

‘Doesn’t look like it!’

‘Honestly, G, I’m glad you did. I’m okay. I just think I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.’

‘This isn’t like you.’ Gina sighed. ‘I’ve never seen you like this.’

Jacks blew her nose into a tissue and wiped her eyes. ‘I know it’s ridiculous, it’s just that…’

‘Just that what?’

Jacks hesitated, wondering how much to share. ‘It’s as I said, the thought of him, the idea of him often gets me through difficult days.’

‘Blimey, really?’

Jacks smiled, composing herself. ‘Yes, really! And I know it’s stupid, naive, embarrassing. But you sometimes have those relationships, don’t you? Ones that change you, shape you, and that’s what we had, even though we were young. It was very special and it opened my eyes.’ She looked at her friend.

‘Wow. I knew you’d had a fling, but I thought it was a little crush, nothing more. You got together with Pete so soon after he’d left that I forgot you were ever with him. I only ever think of you with Pete, if I’m being honest.’

Jacks sighed. ‘I was looking at some of those women at the Boat Show today, with their designer clothes and acrylic nails, and those young girls who jump on boats and sail around the world and I thought, why has nothing great ever happened to me? How do you get to live somewhere fabulous and not have to add your shopping up in your head as you go round the supermarket? How do you get to be like that?’

‘Money,’ Gina surmised.

‘Yes, it is money, but it’s something else too, it’s like a belief that your life can be like that and so you make it happen. I’m just so glad that Martha’s got it. I want her to do it all.’ Jacks smiled at Gina; even the thought of her girl was enough to lighten her mood.

Gina started the engine. ‘Come on, let’s get you home.’

Home
, thought Jacks,
where that bloody bell is waiting for me.

18

Nineteen Years Earlier

‘So, what do you think?’ Gina hopped on the spot in her blue Buffalo platform trainers, clearly excited.

‘About what?’ Jacks smiled at her friend.

‘For God’s sake! I’ve been rabbiting on at you all the way along the pier and you haven’t even been listening!’ Gina tutted.

‘I have!’ said Jacks, laughing.

‘What have I said then?’

‘Something about moving to Bristol to go and work at the Thekla and designing T-shirts and starting your own label.’

‘I knew you weren’t listening, but good guess. Where is your head at today? You are bloody miles away.’

I am. I’m on a deck in our ranch in Montana… I’m wandering around the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. I’m sitting by a lake with my man…

She shrugged. ‘Just thinking, that’s all.’

‘Fuck off!’ Gina shouted loudly, flapping her arms and trying to scare the seagull that was lunging in for a chip. ‘I hate these bloody birds!’ She turned back to Jacks. ‘I was actually telling you about Pete Davies.’

‘Pete who has a trial for Bristol City? Not that he ever mentions it, ever!’ She laughed.

‘Yeah, well, that’s the thing. He’s buggered his knee, trial’s off. He ain’t going nowhere. He did it in training and now won’t even make First Team captain, let alone the big time. It’s a bit sad, really, isn’t it, cos that’s like his one thing. He’s crap at everything else.’

Jacks nodded. Gina was right, he was crap at everything else and it was a bit sad, but thankfully, nothing to do with her.

‘Chip?’ Gina held the bag up to her friend.

Jacks waved her hand in front of the bag as though it was offensive. She had no appetite at the moment. Only yesterday she’d had to explain to Sven that she didn’t want to eat the sandwich he’d made her because she felt queasy and had this metallic taste in her mouth that she couldn’t seem to shift.

The two girls walked arm in arm until they reached the end of the Grand Pier, where they sat down side by side on the bench and looked out across the sea. A large tanker made its way slowly across the horizon, heading for the docks at Avonmouth.

‘What is it you’re thinking about then?’ Gina asked as she folded the hot, salty chips into her mouth.

Jacks pulled her coat around her form and smiled. ‘My future, I suppose.’

‘I thought we had a plan for our future? To move to Bristol, share a flat, marry members of Take That – bagsy Jason Orange, by the way! – and where I will design T-shirts and get signed by a big fashion label.’

Jacks managed a small smile.

‘Oh, I get it, you’ve changed the plan.
You’re
going to work in the Thekla and marry Jason Orange, aren’t you? You better not be, cos firstly I’d have to beat you up for stealing my man and secondly, I’d really miss you.’

‘No. He’s not my type.’
I prefer studious Swedish boys who will sit with me on a deck in a swing-seat that rocks…
‘I just think it’s funny how you can drift along and then,
click!
, something happens and it’s like your life is mapped out.’

‘I’d hate that! Hate my life to be mapped out. I like the idea of the unknown, of adventure lurking around the corner, not knowing where I’ll go or who I might meet. I think it’s the best bit.’ Gina scrunched up her remaining chips into the soggy-bottomed bag and hurled them in the bin, before reaching for the fags and lighter that sat in the front pocket of her denim jacket.

‘I would have said the same, but now I don’t know.’ Jacks looked at her friend, already feeling the separation that would see them living on different sides of the Atlantic. ‘I feel quite good about knowing my future. I feel calm, happy!’

‘Blimey mate, what’s clicked for you then? Who are you – Mystic Meg? Where’s your crystal ball?’

‘It’s not that, I don’t know…’ she kicked her toe against the wooden planks, not wanting to give too much away, ‘but haven’t you ever woken up and not felt afraid of what’s around the corner?’

Gina stared at her and drew on her cigarette. ‘Can’t say I have, mate, reckon I might need a peek in your crystal ball!’

Jacks wrapped her arms around her torso, hugging herself against the breeze.
I haven’t got a crystal ball, but I have got a secret…

19

During the fortnight following her visit to London, it was as if Jacks leaked sadness. She found it harder to paint on her smile and harder still to pretend that all was well. Pete tried his best to make things right, but his inability to fix the issues of which he was unaware only served to irritate Jacks. Martha took full advantage of the lull in her mum’s concentration and spent as much time with Gideon as possible. Jonty didn’t even notice that anything was amiss, happy in his world of computer games and toy soldiers and enjoying having the room to himself when Martha was absent, giving his remote-control car free rein over the floor.

Two weeks on, Jacks sat at the table listening to Pete’s cornflakes hitting the bowl. They sounded to her like tiny stones, loud and intrusive. Then came his noisy crunching and swallowing and the repeated swooping of the spoon back into the bowl to cram in another mouthful even though the last was still lodged in his cheeks. It made her feel sick. Every day it made her feel sick, but today more than ever. As he leant in to kiss her goodbye, she pulled away. She noticed the flash of distress in his eyes, but it was as if she couldn’t help it.

‘Have I got a shirt, Mum?’ The voice floated across the landing and down the stairs.

‘In the airing cupboard!’

‘Mu-um, is my PE kit clean?’ Jonty called.

Shit!
No, it wasn’t. It was in fact still sitting inside a carrier bag on the back seat of her car. ‘I’ll fetch it, Jont!’ She decided to refold it and spray it with deodorant and hope he didn’t notice.

Ida’s bell rang out.

‘Nan’s ringing!’ the kids chorused.

Jacks placed her face in her hands and cried.

That afternoon Jacks pushed her mum’s wheelchair through the front door, then helped her out of it. It was a beautiful day and they had been for some fresh air. Frost covered the ground, but the sky was big and blue, the kind of day that reminded you what life in the summer felt like, willing you to hang on, to get through the winter. After changing Ida and settling her in bed for an afternoon nap, she folded the wheelchair and squashed it into the space under the stairs.

‘I’ve got that treasure!’ Ida called out.

At least she’s not going on about that letter any more
, thought Jacks. ‘Don’t worry, Mum, when we find your treasure, I shall bring it straight up.’

Sighing, she took the carrier bag with the double-knotted handles out to the wheelie bin. She wandered into the kitchen and was stunned to see Martha sitting there with her head resting on her fist, her elbow propped up on the table. ‘Oh, hello, love. You made me jump! I didn’t know you were home. Why aren’t you at school?’

Martha looked up and shrugged. Jacks could see she had been crying.

‘Are you poorly? Do you want a hot water bottle for your tum?’ Jacks went through the familiar routine.

‘No. I’m not… not ill, Mum.’ The breath caught in her throat.

He’s dumped her.
Jacks felt a small flicker of joy that her daughter’s life could now finally get back on track. Gina had been right: it had run its course and Gideon had moved on.

‘What’s the matter, darling? Talk to me. You know that if I can make it better, I will. Always’ Jacks sat next to her girl and placed her hand over the back of Martha’s slender palm.

Martha’s tears came again. She cradled her head in her arms as her shoulders heaved.

Jacks smoothed her hair. ‘It’s okay, darling. It’s all going to be okay. You are so young, Martha, and there are plenty more fish in the sea, just you wait and see. And as nice as he was, you will meet another Gideon at university – in fact you’ll meet an even better Gideon, one with a future, with prospects, and you will be glad that this came to a halt when it did.’

Martha sat up eventually and took some deep breaths. She swiped at her tears with her sleeve, smearing her heavy kohl make-up along her arm in the process. ‘We haven’t…’ she stuttered. ‘We haven’t finished, Mum.’

‘Oh. I just thought… Is everything all right at school?’

Martha nodded. ‘I got a message from UCAS.’

‘They haven’t taken away your offer from Warwick, have they? Can they do that?’ she gasped.

‘No.’ Martha sniffed. ‘It doesn’t work like that.’

‘Thank God for that!’ Jacks exhaled.

‘The message was that I’ve got another offer. From Bristol.’ These words made her sob even harder.

‘Yes!’ Jacks clapped. ‘I knew it! That’s wonderful! Brilliant! Don’t cry, you silly thing. I like the sound of Bristol; I could come and visit you, take you out for lunch and even do your washing if you get stuck. I know I promised your dad I’d let you get on with it, give you independence, but I could have a laundry load collected, washed, dried and back to you within an afternoon. It’d save you the job. You can just concentrate on your studies then. And we’re only up the road if there’s an emergency, which I’m sure there won’t be, but there’s no harm in having us close. You might even get those posh halls up on the downs!’

‘I won’t need you to do that, Mum. It’s not going to be an issue.’

‘Oh. Okay. So do your own washing!’ Jacks gave an awkward laugh.

‘This is not about laundry!’ Martha shouted.

Jacks thought it might be hormones. Her little girl was probably a bit overwhelmed by the changes about to happen in her life and that was more than understandable – leaving home and moving far afield to live alone was a big deal. Not that she had ever done it herself, not really; she had simply swapped one street for another and instead of waking up and meeting her mum and dad in the kitchen, there’d been Pete there instead.

She paused to let the air settle, then tried again. ‘Why are you crying then, love? Do I need to go and find another bottle of Buck’s Fizz?’

Martha sat up straight and coughed. She tucked her hair behind her ears, trying to contain herself. ‘I’m not going to Bristol.’

‘So, Warwick then? That’s fine; it was the one you preferred, wasn’t it? Did I tell you I went online and had a look at their site; they’ve got a coffee shop, a supermarket, even a hairdresser’s, right there on campus. It’s amazing! Don’t be sad! It’s an easy decision, you funny little thing. Dad and I don’t mind where you go, as long it’s the right course for you and you are safe, that’s all that matters.’ Jacks squeezed her hand.

‘I’m not going to Warwick either.’

There was a second of silence while Jacks digested her daughter’s words, trying to comprehend.

‘Don’t be daft, of course you are. You can get the grades, I know you can! This is just a pre-exam wobble, but you’ve had them before and you always come through. Always!’

‘I’m not going to university. I’m not going and that’s that.’ Martha withdrew her fingers from beneath her mum’s and folded her hands into her lap.

‘What are you talking about? Of course you are! Besides, I’ve already got you your sandwich toaster!’ Jacks felt her heart begin to hammer as a headache thumped behind her eyes.

Martha took a deep breath, looked at her mum and swiped her eyes one more time. ‘I’m not! Don’t you get it? I’m not going anywhere!’