Paul Lynde - A Biography (13 page)

Paul answered, “Alice, and her mother’s just sick about it.” After the laughter died down, he then had to give a serious answer for that same question. He hated having to think on his feet. “I was very insecure the first year,” Paul said, “I’m a script-man, I like to know what I’ll be doing.” He was also sure the contestant and the viewers would think he was not too bright if he didn’t get the answers right, so he kept up on current events. He was well educated in art, cooking, and many other subjects, but always worried about how he came across.

That year,
The Dean Martin Show
was going into its fourth season, and the show would have a new theme and title. It would now be called
Dean Martin Presents the Golddiggers.
The Golddiggers were twelve beautiful young females who sang and danced around Dean. According to the book
Backstage at The Dean Martin Show,
Greg Garrison, who was both producer and director, wanted Shecky Greene to star in the show, but Shecky turned it down. Greg had his second choice in mind: Paul Lynde. Paul jumped at the chance for more exposure on the tube. He fussed about some of the scripts and was infuriated when he had to work with Barbara Heller because she would not memorize her lines. Adding to his already frazzled nerves, he was having to wing it with Dean, who often did not come to the rehearsals. The bright spot for Paul was that he loved working with Joey Heatherton and got along well with Frank Sinatra Jr. and most of the other stars. Though he continued to complain about some of his lines, he stuck it out and became a semi-regular on the show.

Meanwhile, Jackie Mason, who had been sitting in the center square for one taping of
The Hollywood Squares
that year
,
was scheduled to tape again the next day, and as he was leaving, Les Roberts the producer called out to him, “See you tomorrow.”

According to Les, Jackie said, “I don’t think so; I’m too big for the show.”

Les had to scramble to find someone to take his place and was given three names to call: one of them was Paul Lynde. Paul was available and was seated in the center of the tic-tac-toe board, which was the mostly likely square to be called on in every game. The show had a viewership of over 12 million, and Paul helped make
The Hollywood Squares
the longest-running daytime game show in history — he also became a household name. The writers had fun writing for Paul and often hinted at his homosexuality. For example: Peter asked him, “You’re the world’s most popular fruit. What are you?”

Paul replied, “Humble.”

Peter also asked Paul: “True or false Paul, research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.”

Paul answered, “It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months.”

He became a regular along with Vincent Price, Rose Marie, George Globel, Jonathon Winters, and Karen Valentine. The other squares would be filled in by different celebrity panelists each week. Paul said some of them — like Ethel Merman — were a wreck, as they waited to be called on. Paul advised the new players to be themselves and just have fun. Paul would also get nervous not knowing if his jokes would go over well. He said that the contestants did not care if he got a laugh — they just wanted to win the refrigerators.

The producers of
The Hollywood Squares
decided to add a Saturday show for kids in 1969, called
Storybook Squares.
It was the same game, but the contestants were children and all the panelists had to dress up like storybook characters. At first Paul thought it might be bearable. After all, he knew he had a special connection to teenagers, ever since
Birdie.
He also received more letters, than any other star at the time, from parents whose children were mentally challenged. He was told, in the letters, that their kids reacted to his facial expressions. (Paul promoted “hire the handicapped” in a public service announcement.) This new show might add more kids to his fan base and the costumes might even be fun to wear…so he thought. On one of those shows, Paul had to dress as the Evil Queen from
Snow White.
He hated it, mostly because he was ribbed so much about him actually being an evil queen.
Storybook Squares
only stayed on the air for four months.

Occasionally, the celebrities dressed up in costumes for the nighttime show. Paul appeared as Frankenstein’s monster with the big forehead, a green face, bolts sticking out of his neck, and bulky large shoes. On these theme shows, the stars did a walk on. Whether it was those shoes, the huge mask, the stairs, or the wine he might have drank at the dinner break, Paul walked out like Jack Benny, with his hand on his hip — and then lost his balance. The next thing seen is the back of his shoes — he had fallen flat on his face. When he made it to his cubicle, Florence Henderson was seated next to Paul and she, in fun, threw a glass of liquid at him. Paul, who never left his cubicle when on camera, stood up, went over to Florence’s cubicle, and playfully attacked her.

Some of the stars that dressed up for these shows were: Wally Cox, who once dressed as Davey Crochet; Nanette Fabray was the old woman who lived in the shoe; and Rosemarie was Pocahontas. Sandy Duncan dressed up as Mrs. Satan; George Global dressed as Confucius; and on this particular night, Paul was Narcissus. He wore a Goldilocks-type wig with long blonde banana curls, and he wore a white toga.

Peter then asked “Narcissus” a question: “What is the worst thing you can say to your hairdresser?”

Then Paul gave an answer that was bleeped — the first time ever.

Suddenly, someone put on the song, “I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay.” Paul looked so annoyed as he tapped his fingers and gave a look like “I’ll get you later for this.” Peter laughed so hard he couldn’t even get the words out for the next question. “This is going to cost me the Emmy again,” he said, trying to stifle his laugh. Peter went on to win five Emmys for Outstanding Game Show Host.

Paul was content when he had fellow celebrities that he liked on both sides of his square. He was especially happy when Karen Valentine became a semi-regular on
Squares.
The Emmy-award-winning actress had starred in
Room 222,
and she had appeared on many television shows and also several movies. There was something about Karen that tugged at Paul’s heart. They had become very close when they were making the television movie
Gidget Grows Up,
which aired in 1969. She was seated right next to the center square, and the two were always giggling and talking to each other. Later, Karen had to move to the top tier because some of the audience thought they were giving each other answers.

The stars were all seated in their boxes one afternoon, getting ready to tape the next show, when all of a sudden the seven-foot tic-tac-toe board began shaking. The lights were flickering. It was a tremor, and everyone on the set ran out. The nervous chronic dieter headed right for the candy machine. “I couldn’t get the dimes out fast enough,” he later said. He looked at Karen who was next to him said, “Oh, you’re too young to go.”

Peter Marshall, who had spent so many years working with regulars like George Global, Charlie Weaver, Karen Valentine, and Paul, got to know them very well. They became like family. Peter noticed the way Paul was with Karen. “I think that he really was in love with her,” he said, “but he was Paul. His sexual orientation was elsewhere. He adored her and she adored him.” Peter told an interviewer that if Paul was straight, Karen would have been the love of his life.

In Peter’s book,
Backstage at the Original Hollywood Squares,
he recalled a story of when Karen was giving her first party at her new home. Paul was upset that night about the guy Karen was dating. He became very intoxicated and then he fell down and hit his head on a door. Everyone at the party thought he was dead. They called for an ambulance. Paul survived, but the pain of Karen’s new found love hurt more than the bump on his head.

Paul’s popularity from the
Squares
had the press hounding him about whether or not he was given the answers on the show. He most always said they were his.

Paul used the humorous lines the show’s writers gave them, and many times, since he did not know the actual question, he laughed at his own jokes when he said them aloud. He occasionally did ad lib, and his off-the-cuff answers were often funnier than the ones provided for him. Like the time Peter asked him, “Who’s generally better looking: a fairy or a pixie?”

Paul answered in a very macho voice, with the scripted answer, “Looks aren’t everything,” which got a good laugh, but then he added on his own, “Oh, I’ll go for the fairy,” and that fractured everyone.

Peter said it best when he commented once that almost all comedians either write their own material or they have it written for them. It doesn’t make it less funny, it’s the delivery and timing, and he said no one did that better than Paul.

“What is a good reason for pounding meat?” Peter asked on the show.

Paul answered, “Loneliness.”

The audience, producers, camera crew, and Peter had reacted with such an explosion of laughter, that it took a while before the game could resume. His devilish grin, along with his mischievous delivery of those double entendres left many women fantasying how much fun he would be outside that box. Mountains of letters piled in from men, women, teens, and children. Paul took them home and read every one of them. He answered as many as he could by sending a photo of himself that he personally signed. He needed those letters with their words of admiration; he said it made him feel loved.

In the 1970s, there was a survey taken, which asked women who would they like to see pose nude. Paul’s name was right there near the top of that list. Though he never would, as he had said on
The Celebrity Game Show
back in the 60s, another regular on
Squares,
John Davidson, posed near-nude. From that time on, Paul would make snide remarks to him. He told John after seeing that photo, that he should have been the ambassador of underdeveloped countries. John did not appreciate Paul’s comments. He never understood Paul’s attitude and his bitterness, but Peter did, and he empathized with Paul. They had both been actors on Broadway and both had extensive careers in entertainment, but the two became best known from a game show. Peter got that.

Paul continued to do movies and guest appearances on TV outside of
The Hollywood Squares.
Paul’s unique voice rang out in cartoons as well. He was the voice of the wolf named Mildew in ABC’s
Cattanoga Cats.
Though he was not credited in this Hanna Barber cartoon, his voice is unmistakable. He also played a neighbor in
Where’s Huddles,
and was the voice of the villain as The Hooded Claw in
The Perils of Penelope Pitstop,
which was very popular in the United Kingdom.

The center-square star had just finished 2,500 segments of
The Hollywood Squares
and was making $325,000 a year. “I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery,” he told
People Magazine,
where he was featured on the cover. He wanted to leave the show, but every time he mentioned it to his friend Leonard Sillman, he warned him not to ever leave it. However, he was starting to feel claustrophobic in that box.

Chapter 8

“It’s Mae West time.”

Paul Lynde

“I want to buy us the grandest house: one that a picture star would live in,” Paul said to his housemate Harry, as they took a drive into the Hollywood Hills in the winter of 1968. The two of them had been living together for the past six years in a very posh rented house on Phyllis Avenue in Los Angeles. The comedic actor was rich now, as he always said he would be. All he had to do was find a home as magnificent as the one in Ohio, where he used to pretend he lived in as a kid.

“I’ve been to Liberace’s house and it looked like fourteen powder rooms.” Paul once told his housekeeper. He met with the realtor he had made an appointment with and the search began. Paul was not impressed with any of the houses he was shown. What he had in mind was a dramatic home that screamed glamour and that would outdo all the movie star homes in Tinsel town. He was shown several, but nothing appealed to Paul. Then the agent took him up to a regency mansion hidden in the heart of the West Hills of Hollywood. Paul wasn’t quite sure about it at first, but became intrigued when the agent explained that this one was once owned by Errol Flynn. Paul studied the enormous structure and saw the three-bedroom five-bathroom house had potential. They walked up to the fourth story and Paul stepped out on the balcony. When he saw the spectacular view of the Los Angeles skyline, he agreed on its value at $100,000, signed the paperwork, and was in like Flynn.

Harry was just as excited as Paul as he explored each of the seven rooms in the 7,800-square-foot Spanish villa. The first official day in, Paul and Harry climbed the stairs to the top floor of their new address on Cordell Drive. Paul felt like a king as he held onto Harry and they looked down from their fortress on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip.

Paul had hired an artist to do an oil painting of his handsome housemate, and he hung it prominently on display in their new home. He had fallen in love with his hazel eyes the minute he picked him up. The moppy haired terrier was smitten too. He was a Dandie Dinmont, originally from Scotland, and Paul proudly named him, Harry MacAfee, after his character in
Bye Bye Birdie.
The two were inseparable. Harry followed his master from room to room and up and down the stairs. Each morning, they would go out for daily walks. The passing neighbors would greet them and point to the dog and ask, “What breed is that?”

“Shetland pony,” Paul cracked.

The happy-go-lucky pedigree enjoyed the limousine rides with his owner to and from the television studios. Paul even showcased Harry on
Squares
and on his ABC one-hour specials. This lad also performed in shows. He was a prized show dog who had star status like his master. Paul made sure his pedigree always looked the part and spared no expense, even flying him from L.A. to Kansas for haircuts to the best dog groomer Paul could find.

Paul had practically torn every original piece of material out of this new home. He had already spent more than double what he paid for the place, and he continued to make improvements. He had some New-Orleans-style big black gates put in at the entrance and black iron on the huge windows and balconies. He hired interior decorator J.P. Mathieu, who arranged Paul’s expensive French and Venetian antiques (said to be worth $50,000) paintings, and furniture tastefully throughout the mansion. The star had put all his memorabilia, posters, and photos from his performances in one place: one of the two dens, which was painted in all yellow and brown. When Paul was first showed the dining area, he looked up at the mirrored ceiling and thought, “Oh, it’s Mae West time,” as he told a reporter. Then he decided it to keep it; it was just flamboyant enough and also made the room look twice its size.

He had dined at a restaurant in New York where the walls were painted red, and he loved it so much that he had his dining room done in the same color. The mirrored ceiling softly echoed the warm romantic color and the table top caught the ripples of the sparkling water from his swimming pool from four floors below. Paul added a crystal chandelier and candle lights, and this became his favorite room in the house.

He couldn’t wait to tell all his friends that the great actor Errol Flynn once owned his home. Paul had seen the good-looking romantic swashbuckler in
Captain Blood
back in 1935 and a year later in the
Charge of the Light Brigade.
Women swooned over him and men admired him. Errol was the top box-office draw at that time and became even more famous when he starred in
The Adventures of Robin Hood.
He had a reputation both on and off the screen as a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other home he owned he actually lived in; it was known as Hollander Farm. Paul admired Errol and thought he was one of the best actors of all time.

Paul had worked with Errol one time, in 1956, on the Martha Raye show. He had admired him and thought of how Errol’s drinking and harsh lifestyle led him to an early grave. He had died of a heart attack just three years later — he was only fifty years old. On examination of Errol’s body, it was said he had massive coronary disease, sclerosis of the liver, and his insides looked like that of an eighty-year-old man. Paul shuddered, then he called his sister Helen — who lived nearby — and six friends to come for a dinner party to celebrate his new abode.

His friends and family couldn’t get over what a dream house Paul had turned the place into. There was a sauna and sunken marble tubs, a fireplace mantel that he had flown in from Italy, and he added skylights. He was always the perfect host and proudly said, “I’m still one of the best waiters in the world.” He personally cooked the fabulous dinners that he placed on the candlelit mirrored table. Paul told
Modern Screen
magazine that the women commented on how they loved how they looked in the room’s light. “When the ladies are happy, the men are happy,” Paul wisely stated.

After the last guest went home, the bachelor retired to bed. He was awoken to the sounds of telephones ringing, but it wasn’t his phone. He stayed up half the night trying to figure out where these phones were that kept ringing. He hired experts to come in during the week to investigate, but they could not find an explanation. It was quiet for weeks, but then those mysterious phones began ringing again.

Ghosts! They were calling Errol, Paul succumbed. He told a reporter that he had discovered an odd little room near the pool, the first week he moved in. When he opened its door he was baffled by what he found. The room was filled with a switchboard and telephones. He thought Errol had possibly been a bookie, but after some research, learned that the clever lover had never given the same phone number out to any girl he met. Paul had the room stripped the following month and turned it into a guest room, but was still occasionally hearing phones ring in the middle of the night. Rock star Rick Nelson and his daughter Tracy also reported strange and haunting happenings after they had moved into Errol’s other home, Mulholland Farm, where he once resided. It had become so frightening that Tracy moved out. One late night, when Paul’s sleep was interrupted again by those ringing phones, he became so frustrated and thought,
Oh my goodness Errol, that’s disgu-u-u-usting!

After having many parties at his home, Paul decided he would invite, for the first time, Peter Marshall. According to Peter, he was booked for another gig that same night and was unable to attend. When he called the host to apologize, Paul became upset and told Peter that the party was for him. Peter corrected him politely, “No, Paul, the party is for you.” Paul never invited him again, but they still got along.

Kaye Ballard was appalled when Paul gave another party and wouldn’t let anyone in his house, “We had to eat in the garden.” He didn’t want it to get messed up. Kaye thought he was being ridiculous. He was well aware he was a neat nut. Once, Jan Forbes picked up an ashtray from Paul’s table and he warned her,
“Do-o-o-n-n-n-t
move that.” It seemed his home was the only thing he had any control over in his life. He once asked Jan, “What is this castle a substitute for?”

Paul was sunning himself by his pool one afternoon, after having entertained the night before, while his dog roamed the backyard. The phone rang, Paul got up from his lounge chair, and he went into the kitchen where the phone was. He called Harry to come follow him, but the dog ignored him. Paul spoke to his manager for a few minutes and then hung up and went back outside. He called his dog’s name again, but Harry did not come to him. He searched his entire property, then all the rooms in his house, and then went through the neighborhood by foot and later by car. He wrote out a description of his dog along with a handsome reward for whoever returned him. He posted the signs throughout the area until it was dark. He waited at home, but no one called, and there was still no sign of his canine. He went to bed, but barely slept.

Early the next morning, the doorbell rang and Paul leaped from his bed hoping it was someone who had found his buddy. When he opened the door, a disgruntled neighbor handed him over a very dirty Harry. He had found the dog devouring his prized roses. Paul gave him the reward and gave Harry a bath.

When Harry was fourteen years old, he had something on his right front paw and needed an operation. His master was nervous that his best friend would not pull through. He took extra good care of him and was relieved when Harry healed. Paul realized he could no longer take his dog with him when he traveled for summer stock; Harry was too old now to be tranquilized for the plane ride. “I wish I had a motor home so I could take Harry with me on the road,” Paul told his friends and the media.

In 1971, Paul performed in
Plaza Suite,
a Neil Simon play that had three different stories going on in the same hotel. It was the first time he would be playing a multi-character, and he found it difficult because every other line was his and he could not let up for a second. Wes Osbourne, a radio host in Ohio, had Paul on the show. The star of
Plaza Suite
explained how being so identified as Paul Lynde made it difficult to be someone else. Paul went to see Carol Burnett perform in the same play in Hollywood, and afterwards she told him she had the same challenges. The audience didn’t want them to be different from the way they knew them from television. Paul went to school for acting and added, “I always try to give playwright the justice he deserves.”

Paul finished his summer tour, which he said was “exhausting, but rewarding,” and he returned home. He picked up Harry from the kennel and it was a happy reunion. This time, the fourteen-year-old dog was having trouble getting up the stairs. When he saw his pal struggling, Paul decided it was time to sell his four-story home and buy a one-level property. Before that could happen, Harry became so feeble that his master had to have him put to eternal sleep.

“He was the greatest pal I’ve ever had in my life. He was as close as a lover, a wife, he was all I had ever wanted anyone to be to me, but no one was,” Paul told Betty Garret of
Ohio Magazine.
That night, Paul pulled up in his driveway and got out of the car holding the empty leash. He opened the front door, and the silence in the house got to him. He walked to his bedroom and shut the door. The only sound heard that night was the muffled sound of a grown man’s anguish.

Paul immersed himself in work. One day when he was coming home from NBC studios, he told a reporter that he found a note by the front door that read:

If you call the police this will be scandal number one.

His house had been robbed: all his jewelry and silver were gone. Paul immediately picked up his phone and dialed 911. The police investigated and reported that there was no sign of a break in. This added more misery to the already distressed homeowner who had to face the fact that someone he trusted had stolen from him. The very next call he made was to have the most advanced alarm system installed that his money could buy. He wasn’t threatened by the blackmail and told a reporter, “There’s nothing about me that’s not known.”

Paul dreaded going home each evening without his little pal there to greet him. His friends suggested he get another dog, but he was certain if he did, Harry would be furious.

Paul went back on the road in July and starred with Elizabeth Allen in
The Impossible Years.
He played Dr. Kensly, a psychiatrist and father, who was writing a book about raising kids even though his own children were out of control. When he did the show in Wisconsin,
The Milwaukee Sentinel
gave the show an unfavorable review, but when he performed in the picnic state,
Toledo Blade
raved. The star of the show usually worked his tour so that he could attend his annual high school reunion in Mount Vernon each summer. He would chat with his classmates until the sun came up, and in the afternoon he would join his relatives for a picnic.

While he was in the neighborhood, Paul played meteorologist. He was a guest on television station WSPD-TV in Toledo. He thought it would be easy, since he always followed the weather to plan picnics, but when he couldn’t keep up with the monitors, he became even more amusing. He would read the information and think he was done, and then the two news anchors would laugh as they tried to have him follow the prompters that flashed information so quickly he didn’t even get a chance to read them. It was sixty-nine degrees in Seattle, Washington, that day, and Paul laughed as he said, “I have a niece who lives there. Well happy sixty-n-i-i-i-ine.” When he missed the forecast for boaters, he finally threw his hands up and said, “Oh, screw ‘em.” He would have been perfect on today’s reality shows.

While in town that week, Paul was handed a message that blew his mind and boosted his self-esteem: It was from Lynn Fontaine. She and her husband, Alfred Lunt, were requesting Paul to come for lunch at their farm the next day. Alfred was a huge fan. Well, Paul could not believe it. The Broadway legends, who were considered the most highly acclaimed acting team in American theater, were inviting him to their home.