Pam (23 page)

Marion was dead.

The baby didn’t stand a chance.

I had
a
brief thought. The
simple
twisted idea of taking the baby. Perhaps say I found it. Maybe set it up that it was
i
n a dumpster.

But I had to get it first.

I placed the point of the knife to her belly. I had no intention of killing the baby. But I guess I cut too deep. Not the first
slice
, that was fine, but when I tried to get pas
t
her
intestines
and through the
uterus
.

It was an amazing sight, when I saw the
uterus
. It moved
and
throbbed
like a
heartbeat
. I had to get the baby out of there
,
and when I sliced
through
, I knew I made a mistake.

It angered me
,
a
bsolutely
angered
me that the knife
cu
t into the fetus. And that’s what it was. N
o
bigger than a child’s shoe, the little thing flopped lifeless in my hand and bled.

I growled out in
anger,
furious, absolutely
furious
,
and without thinking, like a note tacked
to
a corkboard, I stuck the baby to the kitchen cabinet.

Damn it. I wanted that knife.

I felt bad about
the baby
, but I
quickly
put it out of my mind. I had to clean up fin
ger
prints and see if she had another
kitchen
knife just like the one I used on her.

She did.

That was it. Every thought, every feeling, the cold
,
callous emotions that I felt back then were fresh in my mind. The knife dropped from my hands and
,
on my knees, I leaned forward and sobbed.

“But Sharon was there. I know she was there.”

“She was.”

“But it was my hand that did it.
My hand
.” I lifted my head. “Why did you let me
out?
”

“Becaus
e
you buried it again. Blamed it on Sharon. I
thought
Sharon
was gone. I thought you wouldn’t bring her up,”
h
e explained. “We brought the memories out with the trigger word.
It was never strong enough for you to
hold
on to the
memories
. The pain is
great
, you bury it
,
and like I said we weren’t allowed to use the trigger in court.”

My eyes widened. “Wait. No.”

“What?”

“Sharon may have been with me. She was a part of this. But … I didn’t kill my family.”

His head lowered. “Pam …”

“
No. No
,
” I argued. “
Why would I do suc
h a horrible thing?”

“Why
did
you kill the others?” he asked. “Selfish. Jealous. Rage. All to keep Richie. All
to
hang on. You were cornered,
you were desperate,
it was over
,
and you snapped.”

Again, I
shook
my head frantically. “I would never hurt my
children
. I loved them. I would never hurt a child of mine.”

“Pam, you did
,
and you almost did it again.”

What was he talking about? Did what again?

He
shifted
slightly to his right, exposing Sharon behind him.

At that instant, everything went blurry, it swirled as if I were on some sort of drug. A hallucinogen
.
Because a bloody, tired
,
and scared
-
looking
Sharon
suddenly became my son, Justin.

I blinked and shucked my head like a cat. I looked again.

Justin sat there. He looked at me. He had a rag
to his shoulder and his eyes
stared intently at me.

“Justin.”

Justin looked at Dr. Hathaway.

“Tell him, Justin. I didn’t stab you.”

“Mom,” his voice cracked. “You did.”

When he said that suddenly, I realized it wasn’t Sharon in my
house
, going
through
my things, searching my drawers. It was my son. And when I
thought
I
leapt
on her back, thought I stabbed
her
,
I had actually stabbed my own son.

When that
revelation
hit me, a screamed gurgled in my stomach and
rolled
from my chest.

Had Dr. Hathaway not walked into my home when he did, I would have killed him.

Killed my child.

Flashback

Richie hung his jacket by the front door, kissed Doyle, and
peeked in the living room saying, “Hey, Sara,” to my mom. Then he
headed toward the steps.

He looked
beyond
me.
No hello to me.
I should have seen that as my first sign.

Mandy, in her enthusiasm
,
came
barreling
down the steps. “It’s my birthday, Daddy.”

“I know
,
sweetie.”

“Everyone is coming over for dinner
,
”
s
he said perky. “Should I wear
m
y new outfit
?
”

Richie smiled. “Whatever you want. It’s your special day.”

“What do you think, Mommy?”
S
he looked
at
me.

“I think the dress will be great. You’ll be wearing pajamas at the slumber party.”

“Oh, I can’t wait. I’m
gonna
go do my hair.” She flew up the stairs.

“Daddy.” Doyle tugged on Richie’s pant legs. “Truck?”

“No
t
right now. Later, buddy, oka
y?” Richie finally looked at me
and walked up the stairs.

Had I done something? My heart sunk
;
it was that look. That ‘I am done with you, I found someone else’ look. I have seen it a million times.
But why this day, our daughter’s birthday
?

My mother was holding Lizzy in the living room. “Mom, I’m gonna go talk to Richie. Can you get the baby ready so I can give her a bath?”

“Pam.” My mom stood. “Maybe just let this go.”

“What? Let what go?”

She shook her head. “I’ll get the baby ready.”

What in the world was she talking about? Did she know something? Doyle played by the stairs with his trucks. He was such a sweet little thing, quiet and independent. Always good. After stepping over him, I walked up the stairs.

The bedroom door was shut and I reached for
the knob
, but stopped when I heard Richie’s voice.
He
was on the phone.

“
Lou
, I know.”

Lou
. My father? He was talking to my father.

“Sara is here. It’s fine. Tomorrow
,
I promise. No
,
I don’t need you here, I’ll tell her.”

I opened the door. “Tell me what?”

“Got to go.” He hung up the phone. “Nothing.”

“Bull
shit. Nothing.” I shut the bedroom door. “What’s going on, Richie
?
”

“Pam.” He stood and looked at me. “Please, it’s been a bad day. A really, really bad day. I am trying to stay calm for Mandy’s birthday. Don’t ask. I won’t tell. Not now. I don’t want Mandy to associate her birthday with anything bad.”

“So that’s it.”

“What?”
H
e removed his shirt and reached into the closet.

“You’re leaving me again.”

“Pam, let it go.”

“No. I
will
not
let
it go.” I moved toward
him.
“
Is
there another one,
Richie?
Another whore out there you want more than me
?
”

He laughed.

“Oh
,
so this is funny.”

“No, not at all.”

“So who is the whore this time?”

“
Drop
it,” he said.

“Are you leaving me for
her?
”

“Enough.”

‘Sharon said …”

“Stop it.”

I continued. “She said you’d do this again. Sharon …”

“Stop!”
He
screamed
his loudest
,
grabbing
on
to his head.

“Was that
necessary
?
”

“Yes, because you wouldn’t stop.”
He calmed down some. “You never stop. You wanna know why I stray on you
,
Pammy? Huh? Maybe because I need someone that isn’t crazy.”

“You son of a bitch. You did it again.
Sharon
said
…
.”

“Will you stop with
Sharon?
I am sick and tired of hearing her name. I am sick and tired of her showing up. I tried, Pam, I did. I tried
to
be the one who understood her. How she controlled you and you let it.
But this …” He shook his head.

“What is going on?”

H
e
bit his lip. “You really wanna know. Answer me this. Was Sharon with you when you went to
Hartford?
”

“Yes.”

“Was it her idea to go see Marion
Blake?
”

I couldn’t hide my expression, I felt it drag. I tried to cover. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Quit lying. The lies are done. Did
you
know
she
and I were
having
an affair?”

I didn’t answer.

“Did you know she was pregnant with my
kid?
”

I only pouted my lips
.

“Did you know she called me when you were pounding on
her
door like a crazy wom
an?
I told her …” Richie paused, oddly overrun with emot
ion
. “I told her to tell you to leave and call the police if you came back. That was the last I heard from her.
I figured she was done with me.”

“Richie. I am your wife.”

“And I …
”
He held up his hand. “Am not finished. Let me tell you about my day, Pam. I was having a good one. A really good one until I got a call from the police saying they found Marion’s body and they traced the phone calls
;
I was the last person she called.”

“What
are you
saying?” I asked. My insides trembled. “I didn’t kill her.”

“Bullshit. You killed her. No
,
wait. You didn’t just kill her, you tortured her
,
and you mutilated the baby.”

“No, Richie. I did not. If
something
happened
to her it was Sharon.”

“I am sick of you blaming everything on Sharon.
Our
life is
a lie. The
whole
marriage was based on a lie.”

“What are you talking
about?
”

“Answer me this. Is Mandy my daughter?”

Thump. My heart fell to my stomach.

“I found that out today when I was talking to someone about you. About this little
dilemma
.” He headed toward the bedroom door.