Outing of the Heart (76 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âTennie, from this perspective, everything looks disastrous and hopeless,' he had said, then very seriously continued: âBut with the passage of time, circumstances will change and you will be able to assess the situation, looking through a different lens. If you can try to take the long view ⦠oh, I know that's hard right now â¦' and he never spoke a truer word she thought to herself, disconsolately: â â¦you will be able to reconcile all the conflicting aspects.' He had let go her hand at this juncture and gazed off into what seemed to be a middle distance. âThrough life I have found this to be a method by which to manage many of the vicissitudes which have beset me. It has enabled me to keep a reasonable balance on things and prevented too heavy a swing either toward pessimism or optimism.' He had stopped and looked back at her, bringing himself to the present and smiling with compassion.
âYou are young yet and I do realize that such counselling can seem empty to your youthful impatience, when everything has to be done yesterday, but believe me, daughter dear, if you can carry on in the âday-to-day', the big issues will begin to sort themselves out.'
Then he had changed his tack and asked how Sidonie was feeling about all this. She recollected on that day she had not known. This was part of her problem. She had had no chance to speak to her in private, but she knew she had been mad. Yes, angry more than hurt. Now she was aware she had been keeping herself strictly under control, not wanting her mother to take it out on her. Otherwise her volatile temper could get the better of her. She really appreciated that Sid's first concern had been her well being. She had held herself on a tight rein, not giving in to pent up frustration or raw anger.
As Tenille worked on, contemplating all these things, she came to realize the depth of character in her father. She regarded him with new respect and felt ashamed of her previous view of him as sweet, but ineffectual. She had seen him as taking the easy way, giving in to her mother. Sometimes it took more strength not to react. Now she appreciated his advice and the generosity of his sympathy. He'd probably not liked it any more than Doris, that her affections were being directed toward a woman, but he'd said nothing of his own opinion. He had tried, first and foremost, to understand where she was coming from; had refrained from passing judgement. Not as she had on him.
âHave you finished the carrots yet?' Doris' voice reached her through a thick curtain.
âAlmost.' Her hands had begun to slow down. This would be her mother's way of bringing her back on track. âAuntie and Uncle are coming a long way just for the weekend, aren't they?' She made an attempt at conversation.
“I must try,”
she chided herself.
âThey may stay longer,' Doris temporised. They heard the car. âYou have a rest now, Tennie, I'm just going to have a word with Dad. Let him know they'll be arriving.'
After greeting her father, Tenille took herself off.
Doris set drinks down on the coffee table and told her husband, rather officiously, she wanted to talk to him. âI got a call from Carmel today. She and Roger will be arriving later this evening, for the weekend.' She let the words hang in the air, waiting for her husband's reaction.
âThat's all right, we have nothing on,' his voice was measured, giving nothing away.
âYes,' was all she could think of in reply to this. She would have to take the bull by the horns then. âThey're coming to help me deal with Tenille,' her voice was almost a challenge.
âDeal with Tennie. Whatever for?'
That had gotten him going, she thought.
âHaven't you noticed how strained she's been recently? I don't seem able to get through to her. It's since that creature left.'
âBy âcreature', do you mean Sidonie?' Alexander turned to look squarely at his wife.
âI do indeed. Alex ⦠I have to tell you some horrible news.' Doris drew in a deep breath and set her glass down. âI found them that morning in bed together.' She looked sharply at him to observe his reaction, but there was not the shocked expression she had expected. She picked up her glass again: âWell, what do you have to say?' she pursued, relentlessly.
âDoris, I have nothing to say,' Alex's tone was adamant. âThis is something she has to work out for herself. I hope, like you, it's just a passing phase, but if it proves not to be so, well ⦠Tenille is still my daughter and I'll love her to my dying day.' He now set his glass down carefully too and leaned back, crossing one leg over the other.
âHow can you countenance such behavior?' Doris retorted, spiritedly. She was incensed by his unruffled calm. âIt's against all the Lord's teachings and no way for a daughter of ours to behave. I don't know what's come over her. We brought her up to have good values in life.' She drew a deep breath. âBesides, what would the neighbors think, Tenille keeping company with someone like that? She's not even our social level.' By now Doris was very red in the face and her voice beginning to rise.
âCalm yourself, dear,' Alex tried to quieten her. âIt's all right. If it's what makes her happy, who cares what the neighbors think?' He was beginning to lose patience with his wife, but he knew he must keep control. âAnyway, she'll not be staying here. She's most likely to live in the city.' He took another swig of his rye, deciding to pursue his line while he had the floor. âI think Sidonie is a very nice girl. Yes, she's been around a bit, but she's got her head screwed on right.'
âHow can you say that, Alex? She's cheap and common. It's obvious her upbringing had no refinement.' Doris stopped to draw breath and quickly, Alex cut in.
â â¦but it had plenty of love and she has lots to give. Ten would be well looked after by someone as caring as Sidonie,' he declared.
âShe should have a man, like any other natural and normal woman. This attachment is against nature and all our Christian teachings. It's not good for her,' Doris ended forthrightly, so positive was she, she had right on her side.
âWell,
she
thinks it is,' he contradicted.
Doris picked up on this, coming in scathingly with, â â¦and how do you know what she thinks?'
âWe've talked,' was all he said.
âYou talked?' Doris' voice filled with disbelief, then she became even more incensed. To think, the two of them talking tete à tete, behind her back ⦠and Tenille wouldn't say two words to her. This was infuriating. She put down her glass and turned her full attention on her husband.
âWhen was this?' speaking slowly and distinctly, a white ring circling her lips in her fury. Alex could see the gall was in her now and hated it.
âDoris, I'm her father. I have every right to talk to her,' becoming as heated as she.
âI'm her mother. And you mean I haven't?'
âNo I don't mean that.' He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
âDoris, I'm being reasonable with you, but you are not. You're twisting everything.'
âI tell it like it is,' she snapped, more angry by the moment. âFrom here I see a man who's siding with his daughter against his wife.' positively glaring at him now; a steely edge to her voice, eyes narrowed to slits. âYou've always supported me in the past, why this change now?'
Alex sighed: âWe're talking about Ten's happiness and possibly her future, Doris. She's going through a bad patch, that's why she's tense and strained. We need to support her all we can,' he said reasonably, ânot confront her as though she's some sort of piranha. Roger and Carmel, trying to talk her out of this will only end up driving her away from us. You don't want that, I know you don't.' Alex got up and went over to sit next to his wife. âLet's just go gently.'
âOh, you're so weak,' Doris spat out, shaking her head in irritation. âYou mean to do nothing, like always,' she continued contemptuously. âWell, I intend to do something and if you're not going to help me, then I'll get Carmel and Roger to give me the support I need.' Her eyes glittered as her resolve solidified. âThe three of us will bring her back to the fold â¦' she stood up and turned to leave, then looked back at him: â â¦with or without your co-operation.'
Alex, still sitting, sighed. She could be so stubborn at times. He knew it would be useless to try to reason with her when she was like this. There was a time when he would have matched her, shout for shout, but not now. It was best to let her cool down. Now he thought of the recovery period and no longer would risk saying things to be regretted later. Perhaps he could talk to her sister. He didn't want her and Roger ganging up on Tenille and driving her beyond her ability to cope. She was a sensitive woman; easily hurt. He finished off his glass. He was not looking forward to this weekend.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Roger made good time, getting them to Lindsay at about nine o'clock. They felt travel weary after a full day, but were in good spirits. They were bent on the Lord's work and embarked on that, there was no such thing as âtoo tired'. It was important to Doris; she'd lavished all her hopes and dreams on Tenille. When Tennie was little, she'd had a beautiful singing voice and she'd looked so cherubic, singing the old hymns with them. Doris had thought maybe there was a calling here for God's work, but she'd turned away from the church in her teenage years. Look where that had gotten her.
Whilst the two travellers ate, Doris filled them in on her exchange with Alex. He sat at the table too, but she spoke as though he were not there. After tolerating a fair amount of this, he interjected to remind them that what was best for Tenille was their love and support.
âDon't get me wrong, both of you, I dislike this state of affairs as much as you, but the situation exists,' he stated firmly. âIf it's a passing thing, then we want to be here for her when the blinkers come off. If it's not â¦' he looked at each one, â â¦then we can't just turn our backs. Surely, that would not be the Christian way. So ⦠why don't we listen to what she has to say, then try to guide her gently, and hope she understands us, too?'
They all sat silent, following these words, thinking over the part they could play in this drama. Eventually Roger took up the spokesmanship and suggested they wait 'til tomorrow and speak to Tenille then. It was late now.
âI've tried talking to her, but she's obdurate,' Doris said, testily.
âLet's try tomorrow, Sis. It's a week later and she's had time to think things over.'
She had known Chrysta Purdom only a short time, but they had clicked right away. Kindred spirits with like minds. Chrysta had been working at the bookstore for two years, developing an extensive network of women's organizations and self-help groups. After listening to Sidonie's story, it was in the post-prandial lull before the second wave of browsers, she promised to get on to it. She knew someone at the community co-operative near Mount Sinai Hospital. Sidonie should call her the next day.
It was hard for her to wait like this. Doing nothing was not her style. Her personality tended to be left-brain dominant, spending little time on introspection. Concrete action was the name of
her
game. With the advent of Tenille, she seemed to be getting in touch with her right brain on a more regular basis. Sometimes she believed she was consumed by feelings. She loved Tenille, even when sleeping. When she closed her eyes, images of her filled her mind and she was everywhere.
Chrysta was a good sort and she believed she had successfully transmitted the urgency of the situation. If anyone could pull strings, she could. Her blue eyes, more alive and eager than ever, sparkled and flashed as she speculated on the possibility of their finding a place by August 10th.
“Gee, that would be great,”
she mused to herself. That was her birthday and this would be the best gift of all.
âYou are young yet and I do realize that such counselling can seem empty to your youthful impatience, when everything has to be done yesterday, but believe me, daughter dear, if you can carry on in the âday-to-day', the big issues will begin to sort themselves out.'
Then he had changed his tack and asked how Sidonie was feeling about all this. She recollected on that day she had not known. This was part of her problem. She had had no chance to speak to her in private, but she knew she had been mad. Yes, angry more than hurt. Now she was aware she had been keeping herself strictly under control, not wanting her mother to take it out on her. Otherwise her volatile temper could get the better of her. She really appreciated that Sid's first concern had been her well being. She had held herself on a tight rein, not giving in to pent up frustration or raw anger.
As Tenille worked on, contemplating all these things, she came to realize the depth of character in her father. She regarded him with new respect and felt ashamed of her previous view of him as sweet, but ineffectual. She had seen him as taking the easy way, giving in to her mother. Sometimes it took more strength not to react. Now she appreciated his advice and the generosity of his sympathy. He'd probably not liked it any more than Doris, that her affections were being directed toward a woman, but he'd said nothing of his own opinion. He had tried, first and foremost, to understand where she was coming from; had refrained from passing judgement. Not as she had on him.
âHave you finished the carrots yet?' Doris' voice reached her through a thick curtain.
âAlmost.' Her hands had begun to slow down. This would be her mother's way of bringing her back on track. âAuntie and Uncle are coming a long way just for the weekend, aren't they?' She made an attempt at conversation.
“I must try,”
she chided herself.
âThey may stay longer,' Doris temporised. They heard the car. âYou have a rest now, Tennie, I'm just going to have a word with Dad. Let him know they'll be arriving.'
After greeting her father, Tenille took herself off.
Doris set drinks down on the coffee table and told her husband, rather officiously, she wanted to talk to him. âI got a call from Carmel today. She and Roger will be arriving later this evening, for the weekend.' She let the words hang in the air, waiting for her husband's reaction.
âThat's all right, we have nothing on,' his voice was measured, giving nothing away.
âYes,' was all she could think of in reply to this. She would have to take the bull by the horns then. âThey're coming to help me deal with Tenille,' her voice was almost a challenge.
âDeal with Tennie. Whatever for?'
That had gotten him going, she thought.
âHaven't you noticed how strained she's been recently? I don't seem able to get through to her. It's since that creature left.'
âBy âcreature', do you mean Sidonie?' Alexander turned to look squarely at his wife.
âI do indeed. Alex ⦠I have to tell you some horrible news.' Doris drew in a deep breath and set her glass down. âI found them that morning in bed together.' She looked sharply at him to observe his reaction, but there was not the shocked expression she had expected. She picked up her glass again: âWell, what do you have to say?' she pursued, relentlessly.
âDoris, I have nothing to say,' Alex's tone was adamant. âThis is something she has to work out for herself. I hope, like you, it's just a passing phase, but if it proves not to be so, well ⦠Tenille is still my daughter and I'll love her to my dying day.' He now set his glass down carefully too and leaned back, crossing one leg over the other.
âHow can you countenance such behavior?' Doris retorted, spiritedly. She was incensed by his unruffled calm. âIt's against all the Lord's teachings and no way for a daughter of ours to behave. I don't know what's come over her. We brought her up to have good values in life.' She drew a deep breath. âBesides, what would the neighbors think, Tenille keeping company with someone like that? She's not even our social level.' By now Doris was very red in the face and her voice beginning to rise.
âCalm yourself, dear,' Alex tried to quieten her. âIt's all right. If it's what makes her happy, who cares what the neighbors think?' He was beginning to lose patience with his wife, but he knew he must keep control. âAnyway, she'll not be staying here. She's most likely to live in the city.' He took another swig of his rye, deciding to pursue his line while he had the floor. âI think Sidonie is a very nice girl. Yes, she's been around a bit, but she's got her head screwed on right.'
âHow can you say that, Alex? She's cheap and common. It's obvious her upbringing had no refinement.' Doris stopped to draw breath and quickly, Alex cut in.
â â¦but it had plenty of love and she has lots to give. Ten would be well looked after by someone as caring as Sidonie,' he declared.
âShe should have a man, like any other natural and normal woman. This attachment is against nature and all our Christian teachings. It's not good for her,' Doris ended forthrightly, so positive was she, she had right on her side.
âWell,
she
thinks it is,' he contradicted.
Doris picked up on this, coming in scathingly with, â â¦and how do you know what she thinks?'
âWe've talked,' was all he said.
âYou talked?' Doris' voice filled with disbelief, then she became even more incensed. To think, the two of them talking tete à tete, behind her back ⦠and Tenille wouldn't say two words to her. This was infuriating. She put down her glass and turned her full attention on her husband.
âWhen was this?' speaking slowly and distinctly, a white ring circling her lips in her fury. Alex could see the gall was in her now and hated it.
âDoris, I'm her father. I have every right to talk to her,' becoming as heated as she.
âI'm her mother. And you mean I haven't?'
âNo I don't mean that.' He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
âDoris, I'm being reasonable with you, but you are not. You're twisting everything.'
âI tell it like it is,' she snapped, more angry by the moment. âFrom here I see a man who's siding with his daughter against his wife.' positively glaring at him now; a steely edge to her voice, eyes narrowed to slits. âYou've always supported me in the past, why this change now?'
Alex sighed: âWe're talking about Ten's happiness and possibly her future, Doris. She's going through a bad patch, that's why she's tense and strained. We need to support her all we can,' he said reasonably, ânot confront her as though she's some sort of piranha. Roger and Carmel, trying to talk her out of this will only end up driving her away from us. You don't want that, I know you don't.' Alex got up and went over to sit next to his wife. âLet's just go gently.'
âOh, you're so weak,' Doris spat out, shaking her head in irritation. âYou mean to do nothing, like always,' she continued contemptuously. âWell, I intend to do something and if you're not going to help me, then I'll get Carmel and Roger to give me the support I need.' Her eyes glittered as her resolve solidified. âThe three of us will bring her back to the fold â¦' she stood up and turned to leave, then looked back at him: â â¦with or without your co-operation.'
Alex, still sitting, sighed. She could be so stubborn at times. He knew it would be useless to try to reason with her when she was like this. There was a time when he would have matched her, shout for shout, but not now. It was best to let her cool down. Now he thought of the recovery period and no longer would risk saying things to be regretted later. Perhaps he could talk to her sister. He didn't want her and Roger ganging up on Tenille and driving her beyond her ability to cope. She was a sensitive woman; easily hurt. He finished off his glass. He was not looking forward to this weekend.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Roger made good time, getting them to Lindsay at about nine o'clock. They felt travel weary after a full day, but were in good spirits. They were bent on the Lord's work and embarked on that, there was no such thing as âtoo tired'. It was important to Doris; she'd lavished all her hopes and dreams on Tenille. When Tennie was little, she'd had a beautiful singing voice and she'd looked so cherubic, singing the old hymns with them. Doris had thought maybe there was a calling here for God's work, but she'd turned away from the church in her teenage years. Look where that had gotten her.
Whilst the two travellers ate, Doris filled them in on her exchange with Alex. He sat at the table too, but she spoke as though he were not there. After tolerating a fair amount of this, he interjected to remind them that what was best for Tenille was their love and support.
âDon't get me wrong, both of you, I dislike this state of affairs as much as you, but the situation exists,' he stated firmly. âIf it's a passing thing, then we want to be here for her when the blinkers come off. If it's not â¦' he looked at each one, â â¦then we can't just turn our backs. Surely, that would not be the Christian way. So ⦠why don't we listen to what she has to say, then try to guide her gently, and hope she understands us, too?'
They all sat silent, following these words, thinking over the part they could play in this drama. Eventually Roger took up the spokesmanship and suggested they wait 'til tomorrow and speak to Tenille then. It was late now.
âI've tried talking to her, but she's obdurate,' Doris said, testily.
âLet's try tomorrow, Sis. It's a week later and she's had time to think things over.'
LETTER FROM TENILLE TO SIDONIE.
#27, Maple St.,
Lindsay, Ontario.
Sun. July 27th.
My darling Sid,
How I wish I could be with you. I miss you so much. My happiness is you. Why does life have to be so complicated? Complicated and frustrating. Hurtful too. Darling, this is how it is.
Right now life is intolerable to me, but I must stay, stuck on crutches and unable to do for myself. I'm dependent on mom and dad. Actually, dad is my guardian angel, so to speak. He let me talk to him and listened with great sensitivity. But now mom has enlisted my aunt and uncle and the three of them have been giving me the third degree. Yesterday Sid, you wouldn't believe it. They were at me to explain myself and to say why I'd turned away from the path of right living. They'd brought me up to be God-fearing and why had I turned my back on all their teaching? I tried to explain that I'd not renounced the âgolden rule', but that I had this love for you. Oh my, they became so angry by that. They could hear nothing else but my âunnatural love' for a woman. It got them so worked up; their voices rose and they talked over top of each other. In the end I had to give up trying to say anything. They wouldn't listen. Finally, I told them I was going to my room and left the three of them staring after me. I guess they got the message that I wasn't going to renounce you or deny my love for you. I did try to tell them that I'm still me, that I'm not a changed woman, but they would have none of it.
So my dearest, I've been thinking. I know we haven't talked about this yet but ⦠do you think you could find a place for us? Somewhere in Toronto? I just can't stand it here. Please say it's possible. I know I'd get better faster if I were with you, than being stuck here.
Please come and take me away, Sid. Not a moment passes, but I dream of the time we'll be together; when you can look into my eyes and see how much you mean to me. I love you with all my heart and body.
Sid, I am yours always.
Tenille.
Sidonie finished reading this letter and let out a long breath. She had to make her move and fast. Slipping it into the back pocket of her shorts, she drove straight away downtown to the Women's Bookstore on Harbord Street. She would speak to Chrysta.#27, Maple St.,
Lindsay, Ontario.
Sun. July 27th.
My darling Sid,
How I wish I could be with you. I miss you so much. My happiness is you. Why does life have to be so complicated? Complicated and frustrating. Hurtful too. Darling, this is how it is.
Right now life is intolerable to me, but I must stay, stuck on crutches and unable to do for myself. I'm dependent on mom and dad. Actually, dad is my guardian angel, so to speak. He let me talk to him and listened with great sensitivity. But now mom has enlisted my aunt and uncle and the three of them have been giving me the third degree. Yesterday Sid, you wouldn't believe it. They were at me to explain myself and to say why I'd turned away from the path of right living. They'd brought me up to be God-fearing and why had I turned my back on all their teaching? I tried to explain that I'd not renounced the âgolden rule', but that I had this love for you. Oh my, they became so angry by that. They could hear nothing else but my âunnatural love' for a woman. It got them so worked up; their voices rose and they talked over top of each other. In the end I had to give up trying to say anything. They wouldn't listen. Finally, I told them I was going to my room and left the three of them staring after me. I guess they got the message that I wasn't going to renounce you or deny my love for you. I did try to tell them that I'm still me, that I'm not a changed woman, but they would have none of it.
So my dearest, I've been thinking. I know we haven't talked about this yet but ⦠do you think you could find a place for us? Somewhere in Toronto? I just can't stand it here. Please say it's possible. I know I'd get better faster if I were with you, than being stuck here.
Please come and take me away, Sid. Not a moment passes, but I dream of the time we'll be together; when you can look into my eyes and see how much you mean to me. I love you with all my heart and body.
Sid, I am yours always.
Tenille.
She had known Chrysta Purdom only a short time, but they had clicked right away. Kindred spirits with like minds. Chrysta had been working at the bookstore for two years, developing an extensive network of women's organizations and self-help groups. After listening to Sidonie's story, it was in the post-prandial lull before the second wave of browsers, she promised to get on to it. She knew someone at the community co-operative near Mount Sinai Hospital. Sidonie should call her the next day.
It was hard for her to wait like this. Doing nothing was not her style. Her personality tended to be left-brain dominant, spending little time on introspection. Concrete action was the name of
her
game. With the advent of Tenille, she seemed to be getting in touch with her right brain on a more regular basis. Sometimes she believed she was consumed by feelings. She loved Tenille, even when sleeping. When she closed her eyes, images of her filled her mind and she was everywhere.
Chrysta was a good sort and she believed she had successfully transmitted the urgency of the situation. If anyone could pull strings, she could. Her blue eyes, more alive and eager than ever, sparkled and flashed as she speculated on the possibility of their finding a place by August 10th.
“Gee, that would be great,”
she mused to herself. That was her birthday and this would be the best gift of all.
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