Outing of the Heart (66 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âYes Honey. I'd like to have my cassette radio, to play my own music.' She described where to find everything and said she would phone Mrs. Sandrelli. âThere should be no problem with her letting you into my room. She knows you now.'
âWe're like old buddies, Mrs. S. and I,' Sidonie laughed. âI'll bring them along with me tomorrow afternoon,' she promised.
Alert to any change in mood, she assessed she'd had enough. There were longer pauses between her sentences.
âListen darling, I'm going to sign off, you â¦'
âOh no,' Tenille interrupted, ânot yet.'
âYes, Poppet. I know you'd like to go on talking ⦠and I would too, but I can hear you beginning to tire. Your body has a lot of recuperating to do, so don't deny it what it needs. I'll get an early night tonight myself, too.'
âYes. You are right, Sid. You're very perceptive. I can feel I'm beginning to fade. You know the fatigue seems to hit me so fast.'
âSleep well my darling love. See you tomorrow.' She brought their contact to an end.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Speaking to the stable about time off had not gone well. Michael wasn't there that morning and the 2IC, Enzio, had not been pleased, disinclined toward any sympathy. They were running short staffed as it was so her timing had been off. He couldn't outright refuse; Michael's was the ultimate authority. Unfortunately, she had been unable to say exactly which days she would need, putting him out even more. Everyone at the stable knew Enzio was a bastard if you caught him on the wrong day. Sometimes racing people could be bloody minded; it seemed to be in the nature of the sport. They over stretched themselves ⦠and their horses. Too much riding on the outcomes, perhaps. Fortunately, Michael was one of the more balanced trainers. Often track workers didn't show up for work, no reason given, the remainder of the staff doing their best to cover. The difficulty lay in the people the track attracted; transients, even alcoholics and the hangovers could be just too much for them to handle.
There was no problem obtaining the things Tenille wanted and by mid afternoon, Sidonie was on her way to the hospital, driving mechanically, thoughts elsewhere. Four to five days meant she'd be looking at some time this weekend. Much as she hated that Tenille was laid up, it did mean they could be together for a while. A smile spread across her face as her mind played with the prospect from different viewpoints. Shopping for Ten. Planning their meals. She wasn't interested in cooking for herself alone, but to keep Tenille's appetite up, she'd be very happy puttering about in the kitchen.
Another angle. Cuddling in bed, making sure Ten was comfy. Kissing and caressing her, telling her how much she loved her. She sighed. She wondered if a person had a right to be so happy.
Still feeling on top of the world, Rachel received a friendly greeting as she passed by and she kept her smile in place as she observed Tenille. Inside, she was staggered to see how much worse Tenille looked than yesterday. There was a grey pallor to her skin and her eyes appeared as dark hollows, set into the paleness of her face. Her hair, usually so full of life and lustre, hung wetly to her scalp. She pulled the curtain across then made room for the cassette player on the night table, before bending down to place her lips on her cheek. The skin felt hot and dry.
âHello Sweetheart. How're you feeling today?' she asked, trying hard not to let a note of anxiety escape.
âI'm fine, darling.' She held tightly to Sidonie's hand. âJust not as full of beans as yesterday.'
She couldn't help herself, it burst from her: âBut you're supposed to get better each day, not worse.' A frown creased her brow, worry written all over her, the usually bright eyes, dark with concern.
âIt's all right, don't worry,' she reassured her. âI'm being weaned off the drugs.' She drew out her right hand from under the covers. âSee, no drip.'
Sidonie wondered how she could have possibly not missed the stand. âMy body is having to cope with the realities of the situation without so much help. Don't be alarmed, it's standard procedure and nothing is going wrong.' She smiled, trying to look convincing, but Sidonie could see it took a lot of effort. She tried to pull herself together; be cool for her sake.
âThat's all right then,' she responded jocularly, to recapture her previous mood. âI had no trouble finding your stuff and have included a selection of CDs too. Mrs. S. sends her love and says she's praying for you every day.'
Tenille smiled and said: âMrs. S. is such a dear. She sent me those flowers from the family,' and pointed to where two lots of flowers were on show; the previous bouquet from her parents, still looking fresh and a charming arrangement of Freesias with some pretty Dahlias interspersed. An unusual, but attractive combination which gave off a delightful perfume.
âShe's a very genuine person is our Mrs. S.' Sidonie observed. âI like her too.' She went round to the window side of the bed and pulled up a chair. She would have preferred to sit on the bed, but knew hospitals frowned on this. She took Tenille's hand like before. It felt clammy in contrast to her cheek.
âSo tell me, how're you really feeling?' she asked, her voice fighting a tremor of anxiety. âDo you have any further information from the nurses?' Her regard was very serious and in response to such tender concern, Tenille felt herself crumbling and tears welling up. One lone drop gathered and spilled over the edge, to fall onto the back of Sidonie's hand.
âOh my precious, what is it?' She moved forward to give her comfort. âIs there more trouble with the cast?' She didn't care about sitting on the bed now. Supporting Tenille's weight, she noted the slightness of her frame against her own robust sturdiness:
“Dear spirit of all womenfolk, please don't let any harm come to my beloved,”
she willed, silently.
Tenille rested her head against Sidonie's shoulder. âNo, it's not my leg,' she mumbled into her neck as she sobbed some more. Sidonie placed her back against the pillows, her heart melting as she ached with anguish to see so much distress.
âTell me, what's troubling you?' she prompted.
âOh Sid, I'm sorry. I'm being silly.'
âThere there, it's all right. You're not being silly,' She stroked her face with a gentle hand.
âIt's hit me today that my dancing career, such as it was, is over.' She dashed the tears away with her hand and Sidonie produced a tissue. Dabbing at her eyes, she continued, still fighting for control. âThere was promise ⦠Everything I've worked for this year â¦' She looked stricken. âAll gone.'
Sidonie let the silence hang between them, an intangible bond giving them union on the same thought.
âI guess I hadn't realized how much store I'd set on my dancing. âMy brilliant career',' she quoted ruefully. âI never pictured myself as a shop assistant forever ⦠I let my nursing go when I got married ⦠Anyway, they say you can't go back.' High color suddenly flushed her cheeks as sadness fell like a shadow across her face. Her eyes, large and rounded, full of mute appeal, lifted to Sidonie's intense blue ones. âI feel at such a loss. Here I am, no longer a girl ⦠No direction in my life ⦠No real job ⦠Sid, if I didn't have you I'd have nothing. Nothing.' she ended, bitterly.
Sidonie gathered her into her arms again, her heart ready to burst for the sorrow and desolation she heard in the desperate voice. âIt's a down time for you, Baby. You're laid up and your body is at a low ebb,' she consoled her. âIt's natural things look black just now,' she reasoned for her: âBut Precious, you must give yourself time.'
Tenille pulled away slightly to look into the depths of her eyes, to see right to her heart. Sidonie meant all the world to her and as she looked at this girl, giving her support and comfort, believed that without her, indeed the future would be a bleak and desolate one. She looked away after this, but still stayed close, within the circle of the protective arms.
Whispering, almost inaudibly, so Sidonie had to strain to catch the words, she confessed: âI would die without you.'
Hospital noise was a wall of sound around them, but neither heard it, only the beating of their hearts. Sidonie could find no words to express her own emotions, but knew she would dedicate her life to loving and protecting this woman.
âTry not to distress yourself. Things really are not so dreadful,' she soothed. âLet's take it day by day. And you know ⦠â At this point she tilted Tenille's face up to make her look at her, â â¦you know we have each other and together we can do anything.' She smiled, but Tenille's face remained solemn, her black eyes troubled and her soft lips still trembled. Love for Sidonie consumed her, but still she could see no bright future, locked as she was in this black depression. She could find no hope.
Sidonie fervently wished she could resolve the situation; take away the disappointment and bring back optimism. But there was nothing that could be done. Gently, she pressed Tenille's head to her shoulder and held her close against her body, swaying slightly in a rocking motion; letting her feel the warmth and strength of her presence. By this power alone, perhaps Tenille could derive some solace. Come back from the edge of darkness; this nadir of black despair.
After a while she felt the frail body resting more heavily. Checking to see if she slept, she smiled as she took in all the small details of the face in repose. The way her eyebrows arched away to the sides, from the short, dark hairs at the centre. The eyelids were a deep purple, accentuating the alabaster luminosity of her skin, more apparent now after the ravages of her recent ordeal. She took in Tenille's mouth, bearing in mind what Edina had told her. It was full, both top and bottom equally. Her top lip showed two graceful curves away from the centre, leaving a dip in the middle and there was a full roundedness to this centre line. She racked her brains to remember what that meant. She would have to ask Edina next time she saw her.
“You don't believe in that stuff, remember?”
her alter ego reminded her.
âSome bits sounded good,' she replied, huffily.
Gently she placed her lips on the ones she'd just been studying. The eyelids fluttered open.
âI'm going now, love. You need to sleep. That will be the best healing for you of everything.'
She lay back against the pillows once more looking like a pre-Raphaelite Madonna. She knew Sidonie held the gist of it and made no protest over her leaving.
âI'll see you tomorrow?' She sought reassurance.
âOf course, my Sweet.' Gladly given. âYou'll see. Tomorrow will be a better day and when I come, we'll make plans.' She paused: âYou and I together, Tenille, remember. Together we can do anything. Hold onto that and it will see you through.'
âYou are so good to me â¦' She began to drift away.
Sidonie drew up the bedclothes and made sure she was comfortable. She too, felt drained, in need of rest. Straight back to the Residence was the best idea. No, she couldn't do that. She'd not been to the gym in far too long. She shouldn't start skipping.
Pulling into the parking lot she saw Serena's car and was pleased. It was enjoyable when the two of them worked out. She'd have a chance to catch up on the news of her latest beau. She seemed to go through men at a rate of knots.
The women greeted her as though she were a long lost sister. Serena was especially happy, missing her company in this last little while. Sidonie had a way about her, forthright, with no-nonsense; tempered by a sense of humor, plus an easy camaraderie. Serena felt more alive in her presence, but she had to be on the ball too. She could make quite the sharp observations if you were not alert. But she was fun to be around and made her bring out her best.
Sidonie started to feel more her old self as she began the familiar routine of the warm up, then the free-flowing stretchings of the floor exercises, allowing her to recover her old vivacity. She'd only managed a wave to Kelly. They'd have their real time together when they showered and took their sauna.
Serena was passing some pretty curt observations of her own tonight which, Sidonie had to admit, were true. Her body had slowed down since the last visit. One couldn't see by looking, but it was amazing how quickly her muscles had settled down into a less competent state in response to the reduced demand. Usually she could knock off twenty repetitions on the bench press without blinking; today she felt the strain and wondered if she should reduce the kilogramage.
“Was there such a word?”
she speculated. It sounded strange to her mind's ear, but people said poundage.
At the end of her program she met up with Kelly in the change room. The club had been quiet tonight so they had the shower to themselves. No Serena. She'd rushed off to keep a date with yet another new hulk. She liked them big and if he didn't work out, it didn't work out.
âSo what have you been up to Sid? You've become a stranger to this place,' Kelly remarked.
âTrue enough, Kel. I've had a few other distractions lately. How about you? How's the training coming along.' She slipped a towel round herself while she waited for her. They headed to the sauna and settled on their respective benches.
âIt's coming along well,' she told her. âThere's only two weeks to go now and I think I'll peak just about right.' She turned over onto her side to look at Sidonie. âYou look as though you've lost some tone though. If you slacken off now it'll put your timing out,' she warned.
âI know, you're right, but I just don't seem to have the required dedication,' she confessed.
âWhy is that, Sid?' She jumped down to scoop water from the bucket. Steam rose and hissed into the room like Dante's inferno, but the girls settled back unperturbed, enjoying the heat and the relaxation it gave their tired bodies. It also emboldened Sidonie to unburden herself to her friend, feeling the time was right to confide her confidences. She'd known Kelly almost eighteen months now, but she'd never come out to her. She felt a need inside to talk and she liked her so much. Deep down she believed she would lend a sympathetic ear.
âWe're like old buddies, Mrs. S. and I,' Sidonie laughed. âI'll bring them along with me tomorrow afternoon,' she promised.
Alert to any change in mood, she assessed she'd had enough. There were longer pauses between her sentences.
âListen darling, I'm going to sign off, you â¦'
âOh no,' Tenille interrupted, ânot yet.'
âYes, Poppet. I know you'd like to go on talking ⦠and I would too, but I can hear you beginning to tire. Your body has a lot of recuperating to do, so don't deny it what it needs. I'll get an early night tonight myself, too.'
âYes. You are right, Sid. You're very perceptive. I can feel I'm beginning to fade. You know the fatigue seems to hit me so fast.'
âSleep well my darling love. See you tomorrow.' She brought their contact to an end.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Speaking to the stable about time off had not gone well. Michael wasn't there that morning and the 2IC, Enzio, had not been pleased, disinclined toward any sympathy. They were running short staffed as it was so her timing had been off. He couldn't outright refuse; Michael's was the ultimate authority. Unfortunately, she had been unable to say exactly which days she would need, putting him out even more. Everyone at the stable knew Enzio was a bastard if you caught him on the wrong day. Sometimes racing people could be bloody minded; it seemed to be in the nature of the sport. They over stretched themselves ⦠and their horses. Too much riding on the outcomes, perhaps. Fortunately, Michael was one of the more balanced trainers. Often track workers didn't show up for work, no reason given, the remainder of the staff doing their best to cover. The difficulty lay in the people the track attracted; transients, even alcoholics and the hangovers could be just too much for them to handle.
There was no problem obtaining the things Tenille wanted and by mid afternoon, Sidonie was on her way to the hospital, driving mechanically, thoughts elsewhere. Four to five days meant she'd be looking at some time this weekend. Much as she hated that Tenille was laid up, it did mean they could be together for a while. A smile spread across her face as her mind played with the prospect from different viewpoints. Shopping for Ten. Planning their meals. She wasn't interested in cooking for herself alone, but to keep Tenille's appetite up, she'd be very happy puttering about in the kitchen.
Another angle. Cuddling in bed, making sure Ten was comfy. Kissing and caressing her, telling her how much she loved her. She sighed. She wondered if a person had a right to be so happy.
Still feeling on top of the world, Rachel received a friendly greeting as she passed by and she kept her smile in place as she observed Tenille. Inside, she was staggered to see how much worse Tenille looked than yesterday. There was a grey pallor to her skin and her eyes appeared as dark hollows, set into the paleness of her face. Her hair, usually so full of life and lustre, hung wetly to her scalp. She pulled the curtain across then made room for the cassette player on the night table, before bending down to place her lips on her cheek. The skin felt hot and dry.
âHello Sweetheart. How're you feeling today?' she asked, trying hard not to let a note of anxiety escape.
âI'm fine, darling.' She held tightly to Sidonie's hand. âJust not as full of beans as yesterday.'
She couldn't help herself, it burst from her: âBut you're supposed to get better each day, not worse.' A frown creased her brow, worry written all over her, the usually bright eyes, dark with concern.
âIt's all right, don't worry,' she reassured her. âI'm being weaned off the drugs.' She drew out her right hand from under the covers. âSee, no drip.'
Sidonie wondered how she could have possibly not missed the stand. âMy body is having to cope with the realities of the situation without so much help. Don't be alarmed, it's standard procedure and nothing is going wrong.' She smiled, trying to look convincing, but Sidonie could see it took a lot of effort. She tried to pull herself together; be cool for her sake.
âThat's all right then,' she responded jocularly, to recapture her previous mood. âI had no trouble finding your stuff and have included a selection of CDs too. Mrs. S. sends her love and says she's praying for you every day.'
Tenille smiled and said: âMrs. S. is such a dear. She sent me those flowers from the family,' and pointed to where two lots of flowers were on show; the previous bouquet from her parents, still looking fresh and a charming arrangement of Freesias with some pretty Dahlias interspersed. An unusual, but attractive combination which gave off a delightful perfume.
âShe's a very genuine person is our Mrs. S.' Sidonie observed. âI like her too.' She went round to the window side of the bed and pulled up a chair. She would have preferred to sit on the bed, but knew hospitals frowned on this. She took Tenille's hand like before. It felt clammy in contrast to her cheek.
âSo tell me, how're you really feeling?' she asked, her voice fighting a tremor of anxiety. âDo you have any further information from the nurses?' Her regard was very serious and in response to such tender concern, Tenille felt herself crumbling and tears welling up. One lone drop gathered and spilled over the edge, to fall onto the back of Sidonie's hand.
âOh my precious, what is it?' She moved forward to give her comfort. âIs there more trouble with the cast?' She didn't care about sitting on the bed now. Supporting Tenille's weight, she noted the slightness of her frame against her own robust sturdiness:
“Dear spirit of all womenfolk, please don't let any harm come to my beloved,”
she willed, silently.
Tenille rested her head against Sidonie's shoulder. âNo, it's not my leg,' she mumbled into her neck as she sobbed some more. Sidonie placed her back against the pillows, her heart melting as she ached with anguish to see so much distress.
âTell me, what's troubling you?' she prompted.
âOh Sid, I'm sorry. I'm being silly.'
âThere there, it's all right. You're not being silly,' She stroked her face with a gentle hand.
âIt's hit me today that my dancing career, such as it was, is over.' She dashed the tears away with her hand and Sidonie produced a tissue. Dabbing at her eyes, she continued, still fighting for control. âThere was promise ⦠Everything I've worked for this year â¦' She looked stricken. âAll gone.'
Sidonie let the silence hang between them, an intangible bond giving them union on the same thought.
âI guess I hadn't realized how much store I'd set on my dancing. âMy brilliant career',' she quoted ruefully. âI never pictured myself as a shop assistant forever ⦠I let my nursing go when I got married ⦠Anyway, they say you can't go back.' High color suddenly flushed her cheeks as sadness fell like a shadow across her face. Her eyes, large and rounded, full of mute appeal, lifted to Sidonie's intense blue ones. âI feel at such a loss. Here I am, no longer a girl ⦠No direction in my life ⦠No real job ⦠Sid, if I didn't have you I'd have nothing. Nothing.' she ended, bitterly.
Sidonie gathered her into her arms again, her heart ready to burst for the sorrow and desolation she heard in the desperate voice. âIt's a down time for you, Baby. You're laid up and your body is at a low ebb,' she consoled her. âIt's natural things look black just now,' she reasoned for her: âBut Precious, you must give yourself time.'
Tenille pulled away slightly to look into the depths of her eyes, to see right to her heart. Sidonie meant all the world to her and as she looked at this girl, giving her support and comfort, believed that without her, indeed the future would be a bleak and desolate one. She looked away after this, but still stayed close, within the circle of the protective arms.
Whispering, almost inaudibly, so Sidonie had to strain to catch the words, she confessed: âI would die without you.'
Hospital noise was a wall of sound around them, but neither heard it, only the beating of their hearts. Sidonie could find no words to express her own emotions, but knew she would dedicate her life to loving and protecting this woman.
âTry not to distress yourself. Things really are not so dreadful,' she soothed. âLet's take it day by day. And you know ⦠â At this point she tilted Tenille's face up to make her look at her, â â¦you know we have each other and together we can do anything.' She smiled, but Tenille's face remained solemn, her black eyes troubled and her soft lips still trembled. Love for Sidonie consumed her, but still she could see no bright future, locked as she was in this black depression. She could find no hope.
Sidonie fervently wished she could resolve the situation; take away the disappointment and bring back optimism. But there was nothing that could be done. Gently, she pressed Tenille's head to her shoulder and held her close against her body, swaying slightly in a rocking motion; letting her feel the warmth and strength of her presence. By this power alone, perhaps Tenille could derive some solace. Come back from the edge of darkness; this nadir of black despair.
After a while she felt the frail body resting more heavily. Checking to see if she slept, she smiled as she took in all the small details of the face in repose. The way her eyebrows arched away to the sides, from the short, dark hairs at the centre. The eyelids were a deep purple, accentuating the alabaster luminosity of her skin, more apparent now after the ravages of her recent ordeal. She took in Tenille's mouth, bearing in mind what Edina had told her. It was full, both top and bottom equally. Her top lip showed two graceful curves away from the centre, leaving a dip in the middle and there was a full roundedness to this centre line. She racked her brains to remember what that meant. She would have to ask Edina next time she saw her.
“You don't believe in that stuff, remember?”
her alter ego reminded her.
âSome bits sounded good,' she replied, huffily.
Gently she placed her lips on the ones she'd just been studying. The eyelids fluttered open.
âI'm going now, love. You need to sleep. That will be the best healing for you of everything.'
She lay back against the pillows once more looking like a pre-Raphaelite Madonna. She knew Sidonie held the gist of it and made no protest over her leaving.
âI'll see you tomorrow?' She sought reassurance.
âOf course, my Sweet.' Gladly given. âYou'll see. Tomorrow will be a better day and when I come, we'll make plans.' She paused: âYou and I together, Tenille, remember. Together we can do anything. Hold onto that and it will see you through.'
âYou are so good to me â¦' She began to drift away.
Sidonie drew up the bedclothes and made sure she was comfortable. She too, felt drained, in need of rest. Straight back to the Residence was the best idea. No, she couldn't do that. She'd not been to the gym in far too long. She shouldn't start skipping.
Pulling into the parking lot she saw Serena's car and was pleased. It was enjoyable when the two of them worked out. She'd have a chance to catch up on the news of her latest beau. She seemed to go through men at a rate of knots.
The women greeted her as though she were a long lost sister. Serena was especially happy, missing her company in this last little while. Sidonie had a way about her, forthright, with no-nonsense; tempered by a sense of humor, plus an easy camaraderie. Serena felt more alive in her presence, but she had to be on the ball too. She could make quite the sharp observations if you were not alert. But she was fun to be around and made her bring out her best.
Sidonie started to feel more her old self as she began the familiar routine of the warm up, then the free-flowing stretchings of the floor exercises, allowing her to recover her old vivacity. She'd only managed a wave to Kelly. They'd have their real time together when they showered and took their sauna.
Serena was passing some pretty curt observations of her own tonight which, Sidonie had to admit, were true. Her body had slowed down since the last visit. One couldn't see by looking, but it was amazing how quickly her muscles had settled down into a less competent state in response to the reduced demand. Usually she could knock off twenty repetitions on the bench press without blinking; today she felt the strain and wondered if she should reduce the kilogramage.
“Was there such a word?”
she speculated. It sounded strange to her mind's ear, but people said poundage.
At the end of her program she met up with Kelly in the change room. The club had been quiet tonight so they had the shower to themselves. No Serena. She'd rushed off to keep a date with yet another new hulk. She liked them big and if he didn't work out, it didn't work out.
âSo what have you been up to Sid? You've become a stranger to this place,' Kelly remarked.
âTrue enough, Kel. I've had a few other distractions lately. How about you? How's the training coming along.' She slipped a towel round herself while she waited for her. They headed to the sauna and settled on their respective benches.
âIt's coming along well,' she told her. âThere's only two weeks to go now and I think I'll peak just about right.' She turned over onto her side to look at Sidonie. âYou look as though you've lost some tone though. If you slacken off now it'll put your timing out,' she warned.
âI know, you're right, but I just don't seem to have the required dedication,' she confessed.
âWhy is that, Sid?' She jumped down to scoop water from the bucket. Steam rose and hissed into the room like Dante's inferno, but the girls settled back unperturbed, enjoying the heat and the relaxation it gave their tired bodies. It also emboldened Sidonie to unburden herself to her friend, feeling the time was right to confide her confidences. She'd known Kelly almost eighteen months now, but she'd never come out to her. She felt a need inside to talk and she liked her so much. Deep down she believed she would lend a sympathetic ear.
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