Out of Nowhere (37 page)

“Mmhmm.” He nods into my throat.

We kiss hotly, grinding together, and I roll us until I’m on top of him. I slide our pants down but that’s all I can do before we’re pressed together again, drinking the breath from each other’s mouths and losing where one of us ends and the other begins, all playfulness dissolved in desperation.

We both fumble between our bodies, working our erections. Bolts of pleasure rocket through me and I grab at Rafe’s arms as he drives our hips together. I’ve missed this so much. Forgetting myself in his body, his smell. Rafe’s usual finesse is nowhere to be found, and it’s as if a wall has dropped between us. He’s wild, overwhelming, his weight pressing into me, his ragged breaths in counterrhythm with the groaning of his horrible mattress as we hump against each other. After only a few minutes I lose it, shuddering hard against him, shooting onto his stomach, crying out into his mouth, and pulling his hair harder than I mean to. He moans and comes with a few more strokes, heat blooming between us, and collapses next to me, sweaty and flushed.

When his breathing evens out, he pushes up on one elbow and kisses me sweetly—barely a kiss at all. More an innocent press of lips. A teenager-on-tiptoes impulse. We lie on our backs, our faces turned close together. I look at the freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks, and his eyes linger on my mouth. Rafe twines our fingers together and squeezes my hand, eyes fluttering shut.

Despite the saggy mattress and the stickiness coating my belly and thighs, I’m almost asleep with my face in Rafe’s dirty hair when he cups my cheek.

“I love you too,” he says. And I don’t have to see his face to know he’s smiling.

“THANKS FOR
coming with me,” I tell Rafe as we walk to the restaurant where we’re meeting Daniel and Rex for dinner. They’re moving here next month so Daniel can take a job teaching at Temple, and they’re in Philly to find an apartment.

“Well, it’s the least I could do since you’re coming to Gabriela’s birthday dinner with me this weekend,” he says, smiling.

“Uh, I am?”

Rafe spins me around the corner and presses me against the wall in an alley between a parking garage and a 7-Eleven.

“Please?” he says, leaning in to kiss me softly.

“Hmm,” I murmur against his mouth.

He runs a hand down my neck and presses a thumb against my lips. “I can make it worth your while,” he whispers, and he slides a muscular thigh between mine, making my breath catch.

“Hmm?”

“Oh yeah. Never doubt it.” Then he kisses me until I’m clutching at the back of his shirt and pressing against him and we’re both breathing heavily.

“We’d better go to that restaurant right this second or else I’m taking you home,” he says heatedly. “Besides, it’s filthy in here.”

I look around. It’s definitely… an alley. “Hey, you dragged me in here. Besides,” I say, bumping his shoulder, “don’t knock it. We met in an alley just like this.”

“Yeah, and if I remember correctly, I wanted to take you home that night too.” He kisses me again, then pulls me against him so he can look into my eyes, his expression suddenly kind of… sappy. “I knew you were something special that night, Colin. Even though you didn’t.”

“Aw, man.” I can feel myself blushing. “Well, I thought you were basically a dick.” Way to ruin a moment. Rafe laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the restaurant.

There should be a word for living a life so different from anything you ever thought was possible that you don’t even recognize yourself in it.

The last few months have been hard. Rafe didn’t adjust well to not being able to see the kids, and in an attempt to fill the space they’d left behind, he threw himself into political organizing projects so aggressively that I wouldn’t see him for weeks at a time. Which made me think he didn’t want to be around me. Which made me act like an asshole and insult his work when I did see him. Which made him
actually
not want to be around me.

Things were awkward for me at the shop. I’d told Luther and the other guys about being gay since it seemed ridiculous to keep it a secret when Sam knew. Though Luther didn’t care much, the others’ reactions varied and some of them ended up quitting.

Finally, though, after some epic fights and a particularly dark moment of Rafe’s when the only thing that made any difference was forcing him to watch the video testimonials that the kids had recorded for the YA board, things have turned a corner. Rafe has had a bunch of meetings with people who are interested in helping him start a support group for queer youth and young adults who are currently incarcerated in Pennsylvania. They’re only in the planning phase, but some of the calm satisfaction that he got from working with the kids at YA is already back.

And I’ve been trying to integrate our relationship more into my life outside my house. That’s Rafe’s term for it, anyway. Which basically just means keeping the promise I made about being willing to go out to dinner or the movies, and to meet his family.

They clearly weren’t sold on me the first time we met. Except for Luz, who I think would like anyone Rafe liked, the consensus seemed to be that I was a boring white dude who didn’t want kids and therefore brought very little to the table. His mother warmed to me a bit when she found out my parents were both dead, as if it was her responsibility to step up and force-feed me. Which, honestly, was irritating as shit, but I just smiled and let her do it, a decision that earned me epic sexual favors from Rafe. So I guess that was okay.

We also went to Xavier and Angela’s for dinner. It was intensely awkward for the first half hour or so, with Xavier trying to play host and Angela asking all kinds of intrusive questions that made me want to punch her. Rafe was on his best behavior but was clearly uncomfortable because he’d given me permission to tell X he’d been in prison. Finally, Angela broke the tension by telling me she’d never liked me but now she felt like she was meeting me for the first time, and I told her I’d never liked her and actually nothing had really changed about that, and everyone laughed and she wasn’t even mad about it. Which kind of made me like her a little bit.

Daniel and I have texted and talked on the phone some, and I saw him when he came to Philly to interview for the Temple job. He was a mess—nervous he wouldn’t get the job, possibly more nervous that he would because he was convinced that Rex didn’t really want to leave Michigan and move with him if he got it. It took Ginger to calm him down finally, practically shaking him and then snatching his phone and calling Rex to extract assurances that, yes, he really would move to Philly if Daniel got the job, and no, he wouldn’t resent Daniel forever for making him leave his cabin in Michigan.

Daniel may be cool with me now, but despite working together to calm him down that night, I’m pretty sure Ginger still hates me on his behalf. And after years of hearing stories where I was the boogieman, I guess I can’t blame her. Of
course
Daniel insisted she and the guy she’s dating come to dinner with us too.

I shake Daniel’s hand awkwardly when we get to the restaurant. I can never tell if that’s what I’m supposed to do or if I’m supposed to hug him. Ginger snorts with amusement and I ignore her and let Daniel make the introductions.

Christopher’s handshake is as warm and genuine as his expression. He’s got bright red hair, freckles, and a boyish smile. Everything about him seems friendly and nonthreatening, and I find myself wondering if Ginger eats him alive.

I expected the restaurant Daniel chose to be kind of snobby, but Little Nonna’s is a small Italian bistro with brick walls, mismatched table settings, and a view to the kitchen. The waiter leads us down a twisting hallway and out onto a back patio where there are larger tables. There are barrels of wine stacked at one side and what look like vintage aprons tacked on the wall amid strings of twinkly lights.

“This is nice,” Rafe says, looking around.

“Christopher knows one of the chefs,” Ginger says as she and Christopher slide into the table across from each other. I’m trying to figure out what configuration will be the least awkward. Daniel’s looking around at the table, seemingly as baffled as I am. Rex finally takes the chair next to Ginger, but instead of sliding onto the bench across from him, Daniel sits down next to him. I must wait too long because Rafe just slides in next to Christopher and gives me a weird look.

We all sit in awkward silence as the waiter comes up and pours our water. Then Ginger shrugs and says, “So, Colin’s gay now, we all have boyfriends, and Colin and Daniel are friends. Who’da thought?”

My face turns hot at once, and I want to kick her under the table, but Daniel just laughs and goes, “Right?” like he was thinking the same thing.

“Hey, did you ever invite Sam?” Daniel asks me.

“Yeah, I asked him at work.” I hesitate and Daniel rolls his eyes.

“Dude, it’s not like it could be worse than what I’ve heard from you guys my whole life.” Rex puts his hand on the back of Daniel’s neck. “I just—uh, sorry—just… what’d he say?”

“He said, ‘I’ll just let you two hang out since you have so much in common now.’”

“Has he been… shitty to you?” Daniel asks.

“Nah, he’s been fine at work. Normal. But every time… like, when I said you were moving back, he was just kind of whatever about it.”

Daniel sniffs. I used to think that sniff was him being prissy, but I’ve realized it’s one more of the things he does when he’s trying not to show he’s hurt.

“Yeah,” he says, “well, he didn’t care before; why would he now?”

“I think maybe he’s just being grouchy ’cause he’s got his own shit going on at home,” I say. I’m not sure if Sam would want me to tell Daniel this, but Sam’s not here, so…. “He and Liza were trying to have a baby and she had a miscarriage.”

“Oh shit,” Daniel says. “That’s awful.”

We make polite small talk about Daniel’s job and about the shop, though I stop myself from going into detail when Daniel’s eyes start to take on the faraway look they always got when Pop or me, Brian, and Sam would talk about sports and cars. Instead, I tell them about Ricky, who’s started working with me.

“She’s awesome. She’s this kid from YA—uh, the Youth Alliance—and she’s a genius with cars. She asked me some question about a carburetor once, for a science project or something, so I brought her to the shop to show her. She’s just…. She loves it, man. She’s so into it, so I asked her if she wanted a job and she jumped on it. She’s… not autistic….” I look at Rafe for the right description.

“She was born addicted to meth, and some symptoms that are on the autism spectrum go with that.”

“She’s just kind of vacant with people, but she’s amazing. Dude,” I say to Daniel, “remember when Pop would open the hood and have us see if we could guess what was wrong?” Daniel nods, a slightly pained expression on his face. “Well, asking Ricky’s like running a human diagnostic. She inputs all the stuff that’s wrong and she remembers every detail about the make and model’s system and she, like, spits out the most likely scenario. She can’t really talk to customers, but who cares.”

Rex looks at me consideringly. “It’s great that you gave her a chance even though she isn’t… great with people,” he says, his voice low. I remember Daniel telling me he used to be really shy. I didn’t notice it at first since he throws up such a protective vibe, but I can definitely see that shyness tonight.

Ginger’s telling a story about a client who came to her shop today when there’s an obscenely loud sound of something vibrating against wood. Daniel jumps, jerking out of his chair, and fishes a battered flip phone out of his pocket.

“Jesus Christ, sorry, guys. I thought it was on silent.” He shakes his head, looking awkward as he sits down. Then he flips open the phone and gets a kind of puppy-dog look on his face. “Aw, poor Leo—sorry, Ginge.”

“Ooh, what’s the latest in the tale of our young bizarro Daniel?” she asks. “Daniel made friends with this kid in Michigan who’s basically exactly like he was as a teenager,” she says to me with a wink, as if she assumes I know what she’s talking about.

“Poor Leo,” Daniel says, shaking his head in amusement. “He’s, like… how would you explain it?” he asks Rex. Rex thinks about it for a minute before saying anything, like he and Daniel are alone.

“He’s exactly who he seems to be,” Rex says finally. Daniel nods, like this is exactly right, but I have no idea what that means.

“Yeah, there’s no mask or anything. He’s guileless,” Daniel says, seemingly satisfied with that description.

Rex shakes his head.

“Oh,” Daniel says, “yeah, he’s totally genuine—like you said. So he’s just really easy to hurt, I guess. Vulnerable. You know?”

“That is just like you, then,” I say.

Daniel looks surprised. “What? No! What?” He looks between me and Rex. Rex gives him this barely there smile, but the way he’s looking at Daniel… it’s like there’s a whole history behind it. Daniel blushes and looks down, mumbling something I can’t make out.

“Um, anyway, he’s only eighteen—no, nineteen now, I guess—and he’s got this huge crush on Rex’s friend… ex-boyfriend, really,” he says, his nose wrinkling in distaste.

I shoot Rafe a look to say
Why the hell do we care about this shit?
but he gives me that stern eyebrow raise that means “You’re being a dick,” so I just shut up and listen.

“Will. And Will’s—how old’s Will, twenty-six?” Rex nods. “They met in Michigan when Will was visiting his sister, but Will lives in New York. Anyway, Leo was devastated when he left and I guess they kissed…. Leo’s very secretive about what actually happened.” Daniel trails off like he’s trying to put a bunch of pieces together and has distracted himself by doing it. “I don’t know,” Daniel muses finally, “maybe when Leo goes to school in New York….”

“I don’t think so, baby,” Rex says softly. Daniel shrugs and leans into him.

When the waiter comes to take our order, Daniel and Rex are whispering, pointing to things on the menu like they’re planning a covert military action or something, and then Daniel orders for both of them.