Our Time (25 page)

And I had chased him out of the
damn room.

"It looks like he just
recently found out about your situation. He looked quite miserable," he
said.

I wasn't sure how to respond so I
stayed silent, wondering whether or not he was going to clue me in on where he
was going with this. Plus, I was too busy trying to find a way to apologize to
Andrew.

"I won't beat around the
bush, Jocelyn. Ben told me not to coddle you, so I won't. If this man is a part
of your life, a part of your daughter's life, you need to make a decision
with
him."

I felt anger seep through my
veins and was about to make a smartass, defensive remark, but he put a hand up
to stop me.

"I'm not saying that you
have to do what he wants. I'm not even saying he should have a say at all. I'm
just saying that he should be involved. It will only help you." He looked
at me as if he was scolding a child. "Unless he isn't that important to
you."

Of course he's important to me. I
love him.

He was right. I was being
selfish. I deserved to be selfish, but I didn't want to be. Not with him. The
anger and ice that had flowed through me immediately melted away and tears
started to fall. Dr. Harrison handed me a box of tissues and it only made me
cry harder.

"I'm sorry, Jocelyn."

"He probably hates me
now," I sobbed. I don't know why I said it. This man didn't know me and I
had no reason to spill my guts out to him, but I was disgusted with myself
since I pretty much kept something life altering from him when he had given so
much to me.

"Oh, I very much doubt that.
Looked to me like he would step off a cliff for you."

I smiled at that. Yes, Andrew was
probably very hurt that I asked him to leave. He was probably hurt that I
hadn't trusted him enough to tell him about the cancer in the first place. He
had every reason to be upset with me, but I couldn't help but agree, knowing
without a doubt that he loved me.

"Yeah, I think he
would."

Andrew

Jocelyn didn't want me involved.

No matter how many reasons I gave
to myself about her asking me to leave the room, I always came back to that
one.

She was going to make this
decision on her own. She just had to do
everything
on her own.

Was I upset? Hell, yes. Did I
blame her? Not at all.

This wasn't about me or my
'feelings'. This was about her and what she wanted. What would be best for her
and her daughter. Which is exactly how it should be.

She came out of the room several
minutes later and no matter how angry I wanted to be with her, I couldn't stop
myself from soaking in the sight of her. She was beautiful and strong and mine.
For as long as I could have her, she was mine.

When she looked at me, she didn't
try to fake any detachment. She knew what she was doing and I had to let her do
it.

After scheduling another
appointment, she cautiously made her way to me. I scrubbed a hand down my face
and tried to wipe the anger away. This exquisite, tender woman had changed my
life for the better. She made me want to be a better man. She was my best
friend. She was… everything.

But being the jerk that I am, I
couldn't accept her dismissal. It nearly broke me. And being the
man
that I am, I couldn't let that show. Stupid idea? Yes, of course. But isn't
that what being strong entailed? Stupidity?

"I'm sorry, Andrew."
Her voice was soft and trembled which only made the ache inside me double.

Time to show her how strong you
can be.
"Don't
worry about it, I understand." Deep breath in. Lift body. Weight on my
feet. Good. Now I was standing. "You ready to go?"

Her eyes never left mine and I
knew she was trying to read me. Can't let that happen. I cocked an eyebrow,
clearly waiting impatiently for an answer.

I'm a bastard
.

She looked down at her feet,
"Yes. Let's go."

That was all that was said. The
ride home was tortuously silent, uncomfortable. Horrible. I tried not to look
at her. I thought I could show her that I could be understanding and not
pressure her into anything she didn't want. It was pure agony to keep my mouth
shut and not ask her about what happened.

God, I'm a jerk.

By the time we pulled into the
driveway, I couldn't take another minute of it. It felt like a 500 pound anvil
took up residence on my chest and my head felt like it was about to explode. I
walked her to her door, but didn't follow her inside.

She turned, confused. "You
okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. I, uh… I'm
going to take off for a little bit. I just… I need to check in with Chris and
uh, maybe see if I can pick up some hours tonight." I cringed at my own
words. This had to be the way to help her. Right? Give her the space she obviously
wanted. I had never done anything like this before and maybe the best way to
handle it was to back off and let her do her thing.

After Mom and Dad, losing someone
besides my sister didn't seem like such a big deal. I had Maddy. Family was it.
Nothing could be harder than losing family. Right? I could do this.

But Jocelyn was family, too.

The look on her face wasn't what
I had expected. Fear. Shock. My knees were shaking so much and nearly buckled
before I could turn away. I couldn't just take my words back even though I
wanted to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness. I had to get out of there,
take a minute to think, calm down.

Her attention shifted to Monty
who was sitting next to her looking more concerned than I thought a dog could
ever look.

"Okay, Andrew. I'll talk to
you later, then." She didn't look at me and being the bastard that I am, I
walked away fully intending to drink myself into a stupor until there was no
room in my mind to think about losing the only person I had ever truly given my
heart to. She was going to die. Sooner rather than later because our time was
apparently up. She was stubborn and logical and so
incredibly stubborn
,
and I had no intention of ever taking my heart back.

It was hers now.

***

This was a stupid idea!
I shouted to myself over and over
again. Chris had already shouted it at me when I showed up at his doorstep and
told him everything that had happened. After sitting on his couch and spilling
my guts while doing everything in my power to hold back the tears that were
burning my eyes and throat, he asked me what the hell I was doing with him and
why the hell I wasn't with Jocelyn.

I told him that I had no idea
what
to do. He gestured between us and just said, "Well,
this
right
here, isn't it."

He kicked me out a minute later.
I called Maddy, but she was with Jocelyn still after taking Liv home. I asked
her how it was going and she just huffed and said, "How do you
think?"

Seemed like everyone knew what to
do, but me. Maddy was the only one that had really understood me… until
Jocelyn. She would see that I was just trying to give her some space.

"I love her, Maddy. I don't
know how to give her up. I'm not strong enough to…"

There was some rustling, a door
shutting, and another huff from her. She had moved outside so Jocelyn wouldn't
hear what she had to say.

"You are an idiot, Andrew!
What makes you think you are giving her up? You not being here is
giving up
!
You think being strong for her means not showing any emotion about anything
that's going on? Because if you do, then you are an even bigger idiot than I
thought. I know that you had to be tough for me when Mom and Dad died, I get
that. We were kids. You thought if you were tough and hid the hurt, I wouldn't
cry as much. Well guess what? I still cried every night, but not just for Mom
and Dad." She paused and I heard her sniff and clear her throat. "For
you, too."

"What?" I thought back
to all the nights Maddy had kissed me on the cheek smiling as she went to bed.
She seemed happy and I thought I was doing a good job.

"Yeah. I cried for
you
.
You didn't allow yourself to be sad in front of me and that broke my heart. You
didn't trust me, your
sister
, with your emotions. How do you think that
made me feel?" Her voice broke on the last word and my heart cracked all
over again.

"I-I… I don't know what to
say."

"That's just it, Drew. You
don't have to
say
anything. You just have to trust her. She needs
someone to hold her, not tell her what to do or that everything is going to be
okay. She knows better than anyone that's not a guarantee. She just needs you
to
love
her."

A door opened and I heard
Jocelyn's voice telling Maddy about the coming storm and that she had better
head home.

"I hope you heard me,
Drew." Then she hung up.

"God, I really am a
jerk."

Now, after driving around for a
couple hours, I was sitting at one of Chris's bars with a shot of whiskey in
front of me, that I had yet to touch, and I kept talking to myself and
obviously the bartender was a little nervous about that. He kept eyeing me down
and tried to stay away from me.

Chris had already called me to
see if I was still acting like an idiot. I told him where I was and that I was
just going to take this time to figure out what to say. Or
not
say
according to Maddy.

What was Jocelyn doing right now?
Was she asleep with Liv next to her? She did that some nights when she was too
tired to carry her to her room and it was the most beautiful thing. Liv
snuggled right into her neck or laid across her chest or stomach and held on
tight to her incredible mother. And Jocelyn. So content and holding onto her
sweet little girl just as tight.

I should leave and see if that
was happening right now. I would have hated to miss it. But I didn't leave,
because I was a coward.

"Hi there, Andrew. You look
lonely." I cringed at the squeaky voice in my ear.

Oh, hell no!
Of course Megan would show up
where she wasn't wanted. Just what I didn't need.

This was a stupid idea!

Jocelyn

Andrew still hadn't gotten home.
It was after 10 o'clock and the storm was worse than ever. Rain was pouring
onto the ground in buckets and was showing no signs of stopping. Madison had
left with Olivia shortly after her conversation with Andrew. When I asked her
if he was okay, she looked like she was about to start crying.

"He just doesn't know what
to do, Joss. He doesn't want to make it harder for you by showing you how this
is affecting him. He's a man. He just doesn't understand us."

I knew he was having a hard time
with it. Hell, I had made it even worse for him by making him feel like I
didn't want him involved. I had planned on talking to him when we got home from
the appointment and begging his forgiveness for being so cruel. I had planned
on telling him that I wanted nothing more than to spend whatever time I had
left being with him and Olivia. Loving them both and making them happy. But he
looked like he was ready to snap and I was too much of a coward to stop him
from leaving. I thought maybe he needed some time to think about what he
wanted.

But this was too much. He needed
to come home. I had called him a couple times and left a message. Still
nothing. I cursed myself for sending Liv with Madison. I thought that it would
be good for us to have some time to talk things out without any interruptions.
Now, I just wanted to hold her in my arms and never let her go. I finally
called Madison and she promised to track him down.

So there I was, sitting in front
of my living room window, waiting for a pair of headlights to wash over me, but
there was only darkness and the clap of thunder and the pounding rain.

Monty was on the ground at my
feet, watching me. Waiting for me to talk.

"I'm scared," I
whispered.

He whimpered and stood so he
could lay his head in my lap.

"He can't know how scared I
am. It would make it harder for him."

His expression looked confused,
like he didn't understand my reasoning.
"Wouldn't that just make it
harder for
you.
"

"It's impossible," I
muttered.

He whimpered again and rubbed his
nose against my hand. When I didn't respond, he whined a little louder, like he
was trying to talk to me.

"Not
with
him. Alone, maybe. But
not with him."
He grunted and then dropped back down on the floor,
partially on top of my feet.

I hated when he was right.

Minutes later, the shrill sound
of my phone ringing made me jump. Madison.

"Please tell me he's
okay."