Our Bodies, Ourselves (77 page)

There are a number of things to think about in planning to adopt. How would you feel about having and maintaining contact with your child's birth parents? Would you want to have a child who resembles you as much as possible, or would you embrace a child of another race or ethnicity? Do you want to adopt a newborn baby or an older infant or child? Are you willing to welcome a child with medical or emotional challenges? Are you open to parenting any child you are able to adopt?

The process of adoption can force us to confront
complex ethical questions rarely considered by those who produce biologically related children: Why are home studies and other measures of parental fitness reserved only for adoption? How much control should we be allowed to exercise over the selection of a child? How can we be aware of, avoid, and work to prevent situations that might exploit or coerce birth mothers? How do we balance the potentially different needs of the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents regarding the degree of openness in adoption? Are those of us who live in wealthier nations “entitled” to raise children left homeless in other parts of the world by poverty or social stigma? How can we help our children deal with the racial, cultural, and identity issues they may face?

Many of us find it helpful to connect with a community of other adoptive and prospective adoptive parents or an adoption organization. They can answer questions, direct you to resources, and support you in the joys and frustrations of the adoption process. These groups are available in many cities, and many adoption websites offer online support.

Adoption is often an expensive process. To help offset the cost, the federal government provides a tax credit of up to $13,170 per child (as of 2011) to adoptive families; many states also provide tax credits or deductions. The military provides some reimbursement for adoptive families. Low- or no-interest loans are also available for adoptive families, and many employers offer adoption benefits.

The process of adoption can be an emotional journey. It is exciting to welcome our children, but there are also many times when we experience frustration, sadness, powerlessness, anxiety, and impatience. If you have been infertile, you may discover that adoption doesn't “fix” that experience. You may be elated at finally becoming a mother, yet still grieve for the pregnancies you will never have.

If you come to adoption purely through choice or preference rather than infertility, your primary struggles are likely to be logistical. The time it takes to find your child can feel as though it will never end, and it is difficult to plan ahead.

Women entering parenthood through adoption need as much support as women who are pregnant. The logistics of your life, your sense of identity, and your relationships will all change. In addition, you face challenges unique to adoption. You won't
look
pregnant, so you can choose not to discuss the ins and outs, ups and downs of your adoption process. On the other hand, others may discount your experience because they can't see that you are in the process of becoming a parent. In addition, some people still have misunderstandings and negative judgments about adoption.

Parenting is hard work, both emotionally and physically. Our technological, fast-paced society does not serve the complex needs of parents and children, nor does it truly support and value caregiving within families. In order for women to balance the demands of family and work, we need a public commitment to family policies that make women's and children's needs a priority.

Child rearing is important and valuable work that deserves social and economic support. Whether or not we individually choose to have children, we all have a shared stake in the next generation and must work together to advance better family policies. For more information on the social policies that affect families, see
“Being a Mother Today.”

CHAPTER 15
Pregnancy and Preparing for Birth

W
e bring to childbirth our histories, our relationships, our rituals, our needs and values that relate to intimacy, our sexuality, the quality and style of family life and community, and our deepest beliefs about life, birth, and death
.
1

Pregnancy and birth are as ordinary and extraordinary as breathing, thinking, or loving. Whether you are having your first baby or are already a parent, each pregnancy calls on all your capacities for creativity, flexibility, determination, intuition, endurance, and humor. Similarly, each pregnancy should be accompanied by high-quality prenatal care, accurate information about pregnancy and birth, access to the full range of safe and healthy care options, and enough time for maternity
leave. You deserve encouragement, love, and support from those close to you; a safe work and home environment; nourishing food; and time for rest and exercise.

Ideally, you will experience your pregnancy and birth within what childbirth advocates call “a climate of confidence” that reinforces your strength and innate abilities and minimizes fear. Some of the factors that contribute to such a climate can be achieved only through collective efforts to fix major problems in our maternity care system; others are more likely to be within your personal control. This chapter focuses on how to prepare for a safe and healthy birth and how to understand and navigate the U.S. maternity care system. It provides guidance for choosing caregivers who listen to you and respect you as an active participant in your pregnancy and birth and selecting a birthing environment in which you feel comfortable and safe.

Because of space restraints, this chapter doesn't address the physical changes of pregnancy, normal fetal development, ways to cope with pregnancy discomforts, or the symptoms and treatments of pregnancy complications. Many excellent books cover these topics in depth, including
Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth; Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn;
and
The Working Woman's Pregnancy Book
(see Recommended Resources). There are also many organizations whose websites feature trustworthy information, including Childbirth Connection (child birthconnection.org).

Pregnancy is a natural process. A new life develops inside you without any conscious work on your part. Cells divide, brain synapses develop, a new heart starts to beat.

The nine months of pregnancy are a full-body experience that can bring major emotional changes as well. Every organ system adapts. Your heart literally grows as it pumps extra blood throughout your body. Digestion patterns change as your body delivers nutrients from the food you eat to your growing fetus. Hormonal changes that support the pregnancy cause changes to your skin and hair. Your ligaments soften to allow your pelvis to enlarge to accommodate your baby as he or she is born. Your breasts grow, and you begin to produce colostrum, the earliest milk that will deliver nutrition and immune factors to your baby soon after birth when you breastfeed.

When it is time for your baby to be born, a remarkable cascade of hormonal signals between you and your baby trigger labor and allow it to progress. After birth, your body continues to offer your baby safety and comfort. Skin to skin, your baby will stay warm and quickly adapt to the many demands of life outside the womb. You and your baby will together experience hormonal shifts and physical sensations that set the stage for healthy attachment and breastfeeding. These same stimuli assist your body to recover from birth and minimize bleeding.

These remarkable changes assist with an even greater transformation: becoming a mother. Being pregnant transforms your identity and calls on your emotional strengths and resources. You may gain confidence in your own abilities as your body accommodates to the new life growing within you. Learning to trust ourselves and our bodies during the changes of pregnancy, birth, and parenthood may help us as we face other challenges throughout life.

As a woman who struggled with so many body image issues and an eating disorder as a younger woman, my first pregnancy was an exercise in
body acceptance. Watching my stomach and hips grow and change in ways I could not control, I felt an alternating sense of disgust and amazement. When I began to look obviously pregnant, something changed. I was able to inhabit my body proudly, touching my hands to my belly knowing that my child needed this body to grow, develop, and give him life—never did I feel such love and pride about my physical body, and it was pure magic!

Many women report heightened perceptions, increased energy, and feelings of being in love, special, fertile, potent, and creative while pregnant. You may also have surprisingly strong negative emotions or feel ambivalent about this baby growing in you. These thoughts and feelings are common, even in planned and desired pregnancies.
*

Sometimes it seemed like I had gotten pregnant on a whim—and it was a hell of a responsibility to take on a whim. Sometimes I was overwhelmed by what I had done. A lot of that came from realizing that I had chosen to have the baby without the support of a man. I was scared up until the third trimester that I wasn't going to make it
.

You may have questions: How will my pregnancy change me and my life? How do I feel about my body changing shape? What supports do I have? How long can I keep working? Will I get laid off? Can I physically handle labor and birth? Do we have enough money? Will my baby be healthy? Will I be a good parent?

It is common to have fears and anxieties while standing on the threshold of the enormous and permanent change of becoming a mother. Many of us find it helpful to talk with other women who are navigating the changes that pregnancy and new parenthood bring. You may be able to find support in childbirth classes, exercise classes, and peer support groups designed for pregnant women, as well as on online social networking sites used by expectant and new parents.

Courtesy of the Mariposa Ministry

Pregnancy and childbirth raise perfectly natural fears of pain and the unknown, and we can never be completely sure of the outcome, no matter how we care for ourselves in pregnancy, where or how we give birth, or how much we've
planned or prepared for it. Yet pregnancy and birth are intrinsically healthy processes, successful in the great majority of instances when understood, respected, and supported. Our own confidence can be enhanced when our providers offer intelligent guidance and support, so that, when possible, labor unfolds on its own. Used in conjunction with appropriate medical interventions for managing complications, these practices help ensure that we experience pregnancy and birth safely in a true climate of confidence.

Although our maternity care system as a whole has major limitations, there are many providers who consistently offer high quality, woman-centered care as well as birth settings where staff share a commitment to supporting safe, healthy, and satisfying birth experiences. Take time before becoming pregnant or early in your pregnancy to learn about your options.