Our Bodies, Ourselves (151 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN WITH DISABILITIES
Women with disabilities are at higher risk for violence and abuse. The abuse is often more intense, longer lasting, and perpetrated by a greater number of abusers.
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If help with daily care is needed, a woman may be physically dependent on her abuser. Assistants and relatives may withold medication or refuse access to mobility aids until money, sex, or other favors are given.
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The stereotypes of women with disabilities may increase vulnerability to sexual assault. Women with developmental disabilities are often stereotyped as innocent and childlike or as hypersexual. In either case, complaints of sexual assault may not be taken seriously.
Communication barriers, including hearing or speech impairments, may make reporting an assault more difficult. Fear of nursing homes or women's shelters not set up to accommodate disabilities may also discourage reporting. Finding appropriate help and alternative living arrangements can be exceedingly difficult.
There has been progress. The historic 1994 Violence Against Women Act was amended in 2000 to include language addressing the needs of women with disabilities, including providing funding for expanded protection, services, and education. Increasingly, the domestic violence service community is addressing the needs of clients with disabilities. Constructing barrier-free shelters, renovating existing shelters to be fully accessible to all abused women and children, and having the option to house or provide caretakers are important parts of the effort to respond comprehensively to violence against women.
For additional information, visit the National Women's Health Information Center (womenshealth.gov/violence) and the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities (bcm.edu/crowd).
Intimate partner violence can be expressed by an array of threatening and harmful behaviors intended to reinforce coercive demands and to assert power and control. It may include physical violence, threatening with weapons, sexual assault, verbal and emotional abuse, control of finances or physical freedom, destruction of objects, and threats of harm or actual harm to loved ones including children or pets.
When I first dated my husband, I explained my childhood sexual abuse history and expressed my need for clear consent. But, a few years later, when I was pregnant with our first child, he stopped paying attention to my sexual boundaries and while I slept he anally raped me. I awoke, hit
him, pushed him away, and said no. A year or two later, he sexually assaulted me in my sleep again. Many of the things he chose to do were things I said I was not okay with when awake. My husband has since admitted that he knew it was wrong, that he knew I wouldn't like it, and that he did it anyway.
Intimate partner abuse often follows a pattern. Over time, the abuser sets the stage by doing things that will make the partner increasingly susceptible to coercion. These can include:
⢠Exploiting vulnerabilities such as immigration status, childbirth, financial debt, or illness
⢠Wearing down resistance through emotional abuse or isolation from family and friends
⢠Increasing emotional dependency, for example, by inflicting injuries and then caring for those injuries
The abuser then introduces coercion by communicating a demandâfor sex, perhaps, or not to leave the house without permission. The abuser makes a credible threat of meaningful negative consequences if the partner does not comply, like a threat of physical or sexual violence. When the abuser delivers the threatened negative consequences, this increases the likelihood that the abused person will comply with future demands and threats.
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After that, the abuser can often get what he or she wants with just a hint of negative consequences, a particular scowl, or a quick “You know what you're supposed to do.”
Intimate partner abusers are often skilled manipulators and use tactics designed to cause a woman and/or her family members, her employer, or the legal system to believe that she is mentally incompetent, unfit to parent, or otherwise unqualified to retain her constitutional rights. Abusers use such tactics to coercively control the women in their lives, including wives, mothers, and grandmothers.
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED
Call the National Domestic Violence
Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Visit thehotline.org for up-to-date
information and links to other resources.
Other organizations that offer information and assistance:
⢠National Sexual Violence Resource Center: nsvrc.org, 1-877-739-3895
⢠National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life: ncall.us, 608-255-0539
⢠Legal Momentum: legal momentum.org, 202-326-0040 (also helps immigrant women)
⢠National Center on Elder Abuse: ncea.aoa.gov, 1-800-677-1116. For more on elder abuse, see
“Elder Abuse and Neglect,”.
When the battered partner attempts to leave or does leave the relationship, the abuser may stalk her in an attempt to regain control. (See
“Stalking,”.
) If intimate partner violence is not adequately addressed in its early stages, it can escalate in magnitude and severity and ultimately end in murder. For information on civil protection orders and other safety measures, see
“Legal Considerations for Intimate Partner Violence,”.
Women who obtain assistance from advocacy programs and legal services attorneys increase the likelihood that they will be able to obtain and enforce protection orders. They can improve their safety by combining protection orders with safety planning. To locate advocates in your community, see
“If You Are Being Abused” on.
RECOGNIZING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
The following list identifies a continuum of abusive behaviors that come from the batterer's desire for coercive control. The more behaviors that apply to the relationship, the more dangerous the situation may be.
overprotective and jealous behavior:
Abuse occurs with an escalation of behaviors that begins with actions that may not be overtly seen as abusive. Often, overprotective behavior is seen as “He/she cares so much about me” or “He/she really loves me” or “He/she doesn't like it when I wear revealing clothingâthat is so sweet.” While these actions do not always predict abusive behavior down the road, they can indicate overprotection as a form of control or reveal jealous motives that can lead to abuse. These actions can be confusing; they can seem to indicate special attention or loving concern, especially since popular culture often portrays such behavior as romantic, but they may escalate to increasing levels of coercive control, emotional and economic abuse, and/or physical violence.
Emotional and economic abuse:
⢠Destructive criticism/verbal attacks/blaming/disrespect/insults
⢠Intimidation/pressure tactics
⢠Immigration-related abuse/threats of deportation and/or threat to withdraw or not file immigration papers on your behalf
⢠Lying
⢠Minimizing/denying the abusive or controlling behavior
⢠Threatening suicide or self-harm as a method of control or manipulation
⢠Isolating you from friends and family, supportive persons, and important activities
⢠Depriving you of access to needed assistive devices such as eyeglasses, hearing aids, or walkers, or access to needed services such as transportation, medical or dental care, counseling, or home health aide assistance
⢠Threats or unwarranted actions to remove children from your custody, turn your family against you, have you declared mentally ill or incompetent, throw you out of your home, place you in an institution, or have you deported or arrested
⢠Threats of harm to you, your children, family members, or pets
⢠Surveillance, stalking
⢠Controlling all the money or withholding necessary resources
⢠Preventing you from getting or keeping a job
⢠Taking away something you desire if you don't do what the abuser demands
Acts of violence:
These may be directed against you, your children, your family members, or other beloved people or pets.
⢠Making angry gestures
⢠Destroying objects
⢠Sexual violence
⢠Physical violence
⢠Using weapons or everyday objects as weapons
All battering is dangerous. However, certain factors, such as the batterer's possession of weapons, extreme possessiveness, controlling behavior, or use of drugs and alcohol, can mean that you are at even more serious risk. For more information, see “Risk Assessment” at ourbodiesourselves.org.
Growing up in an atmosphere of intimate partner violence can be devastating to children. They may live in constant fear and can be torn physically and emotionally between their adult caretakers. They may develop severe physical and emotional responses to the violence, including symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Children who grow up with intimate partner violence may come to believe that violence is an appropriate way to resolve conflicts. They are more likely to be abused later on, and more likely to abuse others. Indeed, many adult perpetrators of violence were exposed to intimate partner violence or were themselves abused as children. Many came of age in families where male dominance and abuse were never questioned and where physical punishment “in the name of love” was accepted. When our families teach us to accept male dominance, manipulation, and violence as a way to relate to others, this “education” is difficult to defy:
I was raped and beaten by my father. By the time I ⦠started dating, I had lost my voice. I didn't think that I had the right to say, “No, you can't do this to me.”
There are innovative programs working to teach nonviolence and conflict resolution skills to teenagers, schoolchildren, and community members. These efforts aim to teach girls and young women that they have a right to be free from violence and terror, and to teach boys and young men a better way to relate to girls, women, and the world. One group that works to do thisâby addressing teen dating violenceâis the nonprofit organization Break the Cycle (breakthecycle.org).
If you are in a dangerous relationship right now, there are things you can do that may help you to be safer, ensure the safety of your children, and work toward ending the relationship, if that is what you want to do. No one answer is right for everyone. Assess the suggestions below in light of your own situation. In some cases, it may be important to be extra cautious about leaving a trail (on the computer, for example, or in notes kept in an insecure place), as you may be exposed to further risk if your partner learns what you are doing. Overall, your safety can increase as you become more aware, inform others, find support, and implement a safety plan.
WHY DO WOMEN STAY?
A common question asked is “Why does she stay?” This question takes the focus off the real issue: “Why does the partner beat, coerce, and threaten her?”
There are many reasons why someone stays with an abusive partner. We may feel trapped and unable to leave, either because we still feel love for our partner and hope the abuse will end, because we are physically prevented from leaving, or because we feel so beaten down that leaving no longer feels like an option. Abuse often escalates at the point of separation, and we may feel safer staying. If we have children, we may think that we will not be able to support them and ourselves if we leave. People to whom we turn for supportâclergy, police, friends, familyâmay not take the situation seriously or may not know how to intervene or provide help. A woman whose husband raped her while she slept said:
When I told my family doctor, she made a ton of excuses for him.
We may know about the existence of women's shelters but feel that moving to a shelter will cause too much upheaval for us and/or our children. We may know that we can obtain a protection order that allows us to stay in our home with our children and have the abuser removed and ordered to stay away, but we may be afraid of involving the police and ashamed that others will learn of our situation. We may be afraid to leave if we believe our immigration status is dependent on the “goodwill” of the abuser. If we have been living with abuse for a long time, we may be so worn down physically and emotionally that we cannot see a way out or imagine a future without pain and fear.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).
Hotline advocates are available 24/7 to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, and information on and referrals to local domestic violence agencies in all fifty states and U.S. jurisdictions. Translators are available for many languages.
Build a support network.
Get connected with your local women's service for abused women, join a support group, and develop a network of friends who understand domestic violence.
Teach your children how to call 911 for emergency assistance.
It's important that they know what to do in case of emergency, especially if you cannot call yourself.
Look online for additional resources.
See
the sidebar
for sites that offer trustworthy information and help.
Learn computer safety.
It is quite easy for others to track websites you have visited, so consider using a trusted friend's computer or one at your local library. Email and instant messaging are not safe or confidential ways to talk to someone about the danger or abuse in your life. Tips on Internet and computer safety are available from the National Network to End Domestic Violence: nnedv.org/internetsafety.html.
Prepare a safety plan
(see
the sidebar
). Write it down if you can keep it in a place the abuser cannot find. Let others you trust know your plans when appropriate.