Only Pretend (14 page)

What had made it crack?

Trembling on the bed, I processed my dread. He eased up his grip, slid his palm down to my shoulder. When he did nothing else, I grew too anxious to stay quiet. “Did I... make you angry, somehow?”

The sound of his heaving was cut short. “What?”

“Are you doing this because of me? I didn't mean to mess up at dinner, I swear!”
It was Marat. Maybe, if he hadn't been there...

Leonide's grip fell away. With shadows between us, I felt his presence just the same. “Yes. This is because of what happened at dinner.”

Knowing the reason was a sick sort of relief. “I—next time. I promise, next time—” My sentence vanished into the ether. Bitter wine filled my mouth; Leonide's tongue, a curling wave of addiction and sin. He'd never been gentle, but now, he was kissing me so hard there would be bruises to tell the story.

The headboard kept me in place for him. My hands, limp at my sides in shock, wouldn't answer my call. I should have kicked him, jabbed him, done anything but dove into that fucking kiss like a woman keen for suicide.

I plummeted to my doom without looking back.

There was no sense to it. This kiss was mystifying, he had no reason to seek me out. Wasn't I just some stupid girl, as he said? No different, just clay to mold for the men who paid him.

If I was so boring... why were his kisses so frantic?

Whatever spell he was under broke. Grunting, he shoved me into the wood and took in a lungful of air. “Fuck! What the fuck.” Not a question, a statement. The mattress shifted, his soles clicking on the floor.

“Wait!” Lost by his abandonment, I slid to the edge. “What is it, where are you going?” I wanted to see his face so badly. In the frail crack of the light, I could only spot his polished shoes. The knob creaked when he turned it. “Please don't go, sir.”
Don't go, don't mess with my head, don't make me wonder what the hell I want from you!
“I—what am I doing wrong?”

Leonide cracked the door, casting ghostly light on his jaw until only one eye was left in the dark. He was cut in two; my wandering sentinel and my brooding demon. “Nothing,” he said, stepping into the hall. “Nothing and fucking everything.”

Metal grated on metal. In disbelief, I stumbled forward. It took one tiny jiggle of the bronze handle to prove what my gut was screaming.

It was the first time Leonide had locked my door in weeks.

****

I
didn't sleep a wink.

Pacing my room, lying in bed, I occasional tested the door as if I needed a reminder of my situation. Whatever was wrong—and new wrong, of old wrong there was plenty—Leonide, didn't want me leaving.

No windows to tell if the sun was up or not, I felt each minute drag on. It gave me time to think.

Too much time.

Something set him off.
I scoured my memory for every detail.
It must have happened during dinner. It was the only thing between when he met me, smiling at the bottom of the stairs... and when he crept up on me in the night.
I shivered.

Brushing fingers over my lips, I could still taste the wine.
He drank too much. Not even with the meal. It happened after everyone left.
Slamming a pillow over my face, I groaned.
God. All those men, watching me and seeing me lose control.

Seeing me manipulated.

During it all, while Marat molested me, not one of them stepped in.
Fuck, they all seemed to enjoy the show.
Just thinking of how Marat had felt up my chest made my cheeks burn.
All of them, looking on in glee—no.
I threw the pillow, gaped at the ceiling.
Not all of them.

Onyx eyes, straining with their out of place brand of disgust.

No.

Leonide
had
been disgusted, but there was something else in his face that I couldn't grasp under my duress. Now, working through the images in my brain, I felt my chest tighten. Yes, I knew that look. Tense lips, narrowed eyes, fingers bloodless with his growing anger.

Leonide had been
jealous
.

I wanted to laugh; covered my mouth in case it came up.
Holy shit. What does that even mean?
How could a man who bragged about selling women—matching them off to unknown men—feel even a wisp of jealousy at seeing me handled by someone else?

My skull overflowed with disbelief.
So he got a little selfish. Fine.
Shit, my heart was dancing in a way that worried me.
Stop getting excited. This is the guy who drugged you, kidnapped you! He plans to sell you, Celeste!
Pushing my hair back, I breathed low in my belly.
There you go. Remember that part. That'll sober you up good.

So Leonide had reacted weird to seeing me get touched. It didn't mean anything. He'd stumbled into my room, terrified me and kissed me and locked me up once more.

Nothing had changed.

I pressed my lower lip with my thumb.
Nothing will change, if I don't make it happen.
I was on my own. Across the ocean, in freaking Estonia of which I knew jack shit about. Who here would save me, except for me?

The air of my room
smelled
like him. He'd left hours ago, and still...

Leonide is not your savior.
In the middle of my floor, my pillow lay like a forgotten corpse.
He's the demon keeping you here. He's the bad guy, the monster! The villain who is selling you and cracking your mind into pieces.

Why did such an evil man own lips that were made for kissing?

Gnawing hunger pushed out my cryptic thoughts. Time inched by, tormented me with how I wanted either sleep or food. I kept expecting Leonide to return. With my ear to the door, I strained to hear foot steps.

Why wasn't he coming?
It has to be past breakfast by now.
Leaning away, I examined the door, seeking... what?
There's no way out of this room.
If Leonide wanted to, if he
really
didn't care, he could lock me up until I starved.

Imagining myself as a pile of bones and dust, I slid to the floor.
He wouldn't. He plans to marry me off to that Vitaly guy.
I tucked my chin on top of my knees.
My mistake is that I think I know what Leonide plans. He's so... unstable.

I'd changed back into the dress I'd been cleaning in yesterday. It was too much to consider wearing the gossamer one again. It was balled up in the corner, glittering unfairly among the boring room. The sight of it clenched my stomach.
He gives me things, but every gift is meant to torment.

Being alone, away from him, was also torment.

I saw the danger in my wandering thoughts. Wild frustration controlled my body; the back of my skull slamming into the door. The noise, the crack, shuddered through to my knees.
Fuck—Celeste
, I scolded myself,
do not, for even a second, think of his presence as a gift. Nothing about him is a reward!

But without him, what did I have? No food, no water, nothing existed but me and my painful awareness of how little I could do. I was trapped whether he was next to me or miles away. As long as Leonide had me... it didn't matter where he was.

I was aware of him even now, I...
Stop it!
Again, the wood vibrated. Sparks exploded behind my eyes, pain that removed my treacherous, wandering mind.
I don't want to see him.
My brain jostled with the impact on the door.
I don't want to think about him!
Instead of ringing, my ears roared.
I don't want anything to do with Leonide! I don't...

I don't want him.

Hanging my head, I heaved for breath. I'd done it—I'd found respite from my betraying brain. The base of my skull throbbed from how I'd abused it. Hot tears—tears from pain, only from the pain—rolled to my chin. One hit my lips, tasting like the sea.

If I cried enough, maybe I could drown in my tears.

That would free me from this madness.

Above me, the lock shifted. I had enough time to slide away, letting Leonide open the door. Hard lines cut into the corners of his mouth as he spotted me. “What the hell are you doing in here!?”

Scuttling backwards, I couldn't respond.
Smashing my head to forget about you.
I couldn't utter that. Impossible.

He didn't let me get far. Reaching out, Leonide snagged the front of my dress, stretched it out. “Hold still!” he growled, yanking me towards his legs. His hand went for my hair, tugging, aggravating the damage I'd done.

“Ah!” I sobbed, ripping at his arms to get him away.

Amazingly, he released me. The respite was brief; he knelt down, fingers on my neck. “Celeste, what the hell did you do?”

Guilt watered my eyes. “Nothing.”

Ignoring my grimace, he ran fingers over my scalp until he discovered the egg-sized lump. “You did this to
yourself?
Why?” I tightened my lips; he shook me until I couldn't see straight. “
Why?
”

“Because!” I gasped, falling onto my hands as he released me.
Because I don't know what I want anymore.
“Just... just because.”

Of all the things Leonide had done, might do, I wasn't ready for him to scoop me into his arms. We were on the bed, me in his lap and nose against the hard buttons of his shirt. It was a position meant for girls being rescued; girls being carried over the threshold.

The situation, at its heart, was warped.

Cradling me so that I saw nothing but his chest, a hint of his Adam's apple bobbing, Leonide lowered his tone. “You really think your situation is worth harming yourself over. Celeste, how can I make you understand how blessed you are?”

All remnants of the sweet fog burnt away. “You're insane.” Pushing away, I leveled my eyes on his. “Blessed? It's not a blessing to be a prisoner!”

He wound his arms on me to keep me in place. “Marriage isn't prison.”

“
This isn't marriage!”

“What I'm giving you will
lead
to marriage, Celeste.” He actually sounded put out by my reaction. “No family, nothing waiting for you back in that garbage I pulled you from.” My ribs creaked under his crushing pressure. “I've taken you from your dregs of reality, I'm transforming you into someone worthy of a life with no struggle, no wondering where you fit in or where you'll end up!”

I couldn't blink. I wanted to stare into his black depths and understand just how much of this bullshit he believed. Leonide had an enviable poker face. “You
actually
think that. What the hell has convinced you that this life is better than what I had?”

“You had
nothing
, Celeste.”

My nostrils flared. “I had freedom.”

“Yes,” he agreed, shoving me from his lap and to the floor. “And look at where it got you.”

Pain radiated from my elbow; I ignored it, turned to glare up at him. “You got me here! Not me! You and how you tricked me—ah!”
He fucking kicked me!

He drove another heel into my hip. “Not me. You, sweet girl. You and your weakness that coaxed you to my room. A night with a stranger, that's where your freedom led you.” Leonide motioned around the room. “This is your reward for wanting to be free.”

I didn't give him the satisfaction of rubbing where he'd kicked me. “And you,
sir
. You think my reward for obeying you, for being a weak and simpering little slave, is getting to live under the control of a man I've never met?”

A ponderous smile grew on him. “So much anger. I suspect you enjoy rebelling.” He cupped my face before I could swing out of reach. “You rebel against me? We continue your training.” Thumbs dug in, a fly trap when I'd never felt more like a tiny insect. “You rebel against your husband, and he will
replace
you.”

Leonide didn't smell like old wine anymore.
The man who stumbled on me last night, threatened me and kissed me... that was just a dream.

The monster in front of me was my reality.

Letting me go, he rose smoothly from the bed. “Clean up and change. We're going out.”

I felt for damage from his claw-like grip. “Out where?”

“You're convinced that this marriage isn't good for you.” Leaning in the doorway, he waited for me to stand. “I'm going to open your eyes.”

Celeste

T
he sun outside was turning every leaf on the trees into cut emeralds, waiting to be plucked. With the window rolled down in the car, crisp air in my nose, it was a picturesque day fit for picnics or post cards.

I could enjoy none of it.

Where is he taking me?
We were driving into town, I'd figured that much. There was a single road from his house towards the buildings below. To go anywhere, we had to cross through the homes and shops.
Is he taking me past it?
The land ahead was flat, the road a straight shot into the horizon. There was nothing out there, as far as my eyes were concerned.

The tires rolled to a halt.
Guess we're staying in town, then.
Without knowing what was waiting for me, I couldn't turn down my anxiety. The last time I'd been here, Leonide had struck me down in front of so many people. I remembered the sound of his zipper too easily.

“Climb out.” The keys vanished in his pocket. He didn't look at me as he exited, door slamming shut.

I had the funniest desire to lock the vehicle from inside. Picturing Leonide, features contorted in fury, smashing the windows to get at me... I shoved my door open and stepped into the sun.

In the window of the building, I saw myself; blue cotton dress, hair fresh as sparkling lemonade.
I look less like a street walker today,
I mused.

From the reflection, Leonide emerged. He stood beside me with that impregnating aura of his. “Follow me, we have a table waiting.”

“A table?” I asked, noting how his mouth dipped. Around us, people milled but did not hide their curious stares. We were under a microscope. I gleaned what his disapproval meant. “Er—a table, sir?”