One Time All I Wanted (2 page)

i once loved you the whole way through.

one time i realized, if they don t like you, they don t like you.

one time i agreed with you the whole time but you weren t hearing me.

i once woke up in the middle of a meadow. still no idea what happened.

i once survived a pretty horrific car crash. It was Valentine’s Day and we four girls were headed to a diner. we hit black ice by a reservoir, and spun right out. the car accordioned directly into a boulder, which was randomly placed in the middle of the water s edge. six feet to the left or the right and we would have driven right into the water. who put that boulder there, i would later wonder.

one time i learned i have an incurable illness.

one time i danced in the kitchen while singing along to Prince.

once spent an entire summer working in a bakery in the lower east side. some editor came in and said, “why do you have a picture of Madeline Albright on the wall?” she said it like we didn’t know who the woman was. “because we like hanging out with her,” i answered.

one time i told you to grow out your beard like the old days and we were going to get together on Christmas and then i brought a friend platonically to your party and you thought he was a date and then the rest of our lives were changed forever.

one time i figured the odds are shifting.

one day i decided to get really into running. i realized i m always running so i walked over to a hotdog stand and said, “i’ll take two.”

one time i lied pretty bad. we re talking real bad.

one time i waited up for you all night. many nights. in reality and in my head, on separate occasions.

one time i learned how to say, “build a bridge and get over yourself,” in ten languages. i then spent time thinking about the architectural integrity of different bridges. there were things to take into account, such as materials used, such as climate, such as landscape, such as tradition. some bridges have water running under them and some don t.

one time i read the same book all the time.

i once had the same song stuck in my head for three years. my friend took me to a drunken Karaoke night, where i mistakenly began to sing the song that had been in my head for three years, rather than the one actually playing. i don t think much about either of those songs now.

one month i dreamt about a glowing orb.

i once went and learned how to build an entire bicycle from scratch.

one time, okay, no, many times i went to too many raves.

i once convinced my best friend that buying up all the purple properties in Monopoly was a solid investment so i could take her for everything she had.

i was once electrocuted by a farm fence. i can tell you when rain s coming 48 hours in advance because my elbow starts to ache now.

one time i applied to be one of those people who spend 365 days living in a Sequoia tree. the law says the tree can t be cut down if someone is inhabiting it, so all these organizations built these huts for people to live in up there. people work in 365 day shifts, rations are sent up via bucket. i figured i’d live up there and write an entire year. then i learned the waiting list for a tree is five years long.

one time i was in such a good mood that i drove past two exits to continue

listening to pop radio. i was in such a good mood that i ate a carb. i was in such a good mood i almost called you from thousands of miles away to say i was wrong.

i once got a job working on the Iditarod but couldn t go because i didn t have enough money for gear.

i once was waving goodbye to my friend and running alongside his bus when i slammed face-first into a giant pole.

i once quit smoking for four months.

i once told myself i d gotten over you.

i once told you i d gotten over you.

one time i won a dance competition. what is up, Paula Abdul?

i once made a promise and a promise is a promise.

one time i went to visit my friend s grave and these wind chimes started singing even though there wasn t any wind.

one time i let you break my heart. one time i didn t ask you to.

i once found an overhead projector on the curb in front of our stoop. i brought it inside to see if it was still working. it was, so i took a drawing from a book, and tore it out, and put it on the overhead projector. i then traced the image onto our living room wall. i was in the middle of painting inside the lines when you came home from work, got down on one knee in front of the projector light while I was up on a ladder, and asked me to marry you - not yet but someday.

one time i learned that my old apartment was one building over from Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe s apartment in Bed-Stuy, long after i d moved out. here i d been complaining the entire time about being hungry and how to make the rent, and i d been sleeping right next to where they d said the exact same.

one time I had another apartment right down the street from the apartment Henry James used to live in. it was technically a room meant to be a closet in my friend s painting studio. i got headaches a lot.

one time you called me to say i was a hard woman to get a hold of. your voice sounded exactly the same as i d been hearing it all these ten years without you.

one time i jumped into the ocean with all my clothes on, because sometimes you just have to swim.

one time i sat alone at a bar. sometimes it s all that can be done.

one time my friend asked me to have a three way with him and his girlfriend because he was afraid she was going to leave him for a woman.

one time i said something i d wished i hadn t, and then a shooting star flew overhead. how does that work?