Once Upon Another Time (14 page)

My head swirled
and I was barely able to catch my breath, as I spun in a circle and frantically
searched the empty cemetery hills for Matt. 

* * * *

Seagulls circled
overhead against a cerulean sky, their wings motionless as they glided on the
wind.  Candy-colored windsurfing sails speckled the crescent-shaped coastline
of Fogland Beach.  Heat waves crossed over the hot white sand, while a warm
salty breeze caressed my face.  I peered out toward the Sakonnet Lighthouse
that was but a dot on the distant coastline of Little Compton. 

The plastic wefts
of the chaise stuck to my back.  I leaned forward to spritz my body with cold
water.  The beaded watery mist glistened on my skin, and gave temporary relief
from the late morning heat. 

A few feet away,
Nicholas positioned action figures around his sandcastle.  A blonde-headed toddler
with butterfly barrettes wearing a two-piece yellow polka dot swimsuit trimmed
in tiny ruffles, played next to him.  Giggling, she poked her pink chubby toes
into a small sand hole she filled with water from a paper cup.  Apple cheeks
and round blue eyes, she was the miniature version of her mother.

As I rested my
head on the back of the chair, I became transfixed with a wispy white cloud
drifting across the blue sky.  My mind picked up subtle thoughts about what
happened at the cemetery, and how Matt wants me to find him.  It was as if the
answer was trying to creep out from the sky and reach for me. 

“Hey, Aubrey,”
Laura said, as she stood over me.  Her large-brim sun yellow hat shadowed my
face like an umbrella.  Her shapely body showed off an indigo bikini accented
with a yellow stripe that put my plain black one-piece swimsuit to shame. 

“How’s it going?” she
asked.  She looked quizzically at the Sesame Street character shoestring tied
around my ponytail, as she set her bright multi-colored striped beach bag down
in the sand. 

“Oh, not too bad,”
I said, trying to pump enthusiasm into my voice.

 “You went to the
cemetery this morning, right?’’ said Laura.  Removing her large hat and
oversized blue-tinted Armani sunglasses, Laura laid back and tilted her face up
toward the sun.

“Yeah, Nicholas
actually left Greenleaf at Matt’s gravestone.”

“Well, that’s
positive.  You going to let him get another chameleon?”

 “Actually, he was
talking about wanting a rabbit,” I said.

Laura stretched
her lean body out on the chaise.  Her platinum hair caught the fiery rays of
the sun and she looked the perfect picture of a tawny cat sunning itself.  I
wanted to be honest with her.  I wanted to tell her that everything I told her
about seeing Matt and hearing people’s voices in my head was true and not some ridiculous
joke.

“Laura, there are
things in my life I haven’t told you.”  

One emerald eye
opened as Laura turned her head toward me, squinting.  “Like what?”

I paused and
watched two young boys laugh as they took turns dunking one another underwater,
each of them gasping as they came up for air.  “I used to write letters to
Matt.”

“I used to write
letters to Robert, too.  The last one was me asking for a divorce after I
kicked him out of the house.”

“Actually, Matt
was
dead
when I wrote them.” 

Laura lasered a
look at me.  “Dead?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You mean like
when he
first
died, right?”

“Um, yes and no. 
I just stopped writing the letters a few weeks ago.”

“Laura sat upright
and raked her fingers through her hair pushing her blond locks off her
glistening forehead.  “You’re not serious,” she said.

“It’s the truth.”

“Why would you do
that?”

“Because it made
me feel close to him, like he was still here for me.”  

“Why didn’t you
talk to me about this before?”

“Too embarrassed to
admit I was scared, I guess.”  I rested my eyes on Nicholas and watched him
crash his action figures into his sandcastle, crumbling one side of it. 

“I don’t
understand.  I was always here for you,” said Laura.

“I know.  You and
my parents gave me strength, but I was still scared inside.  At first, writing
letters to Matt was therapeutic to help me through the grief.  After a while,
it made me feel safe like Matt was watching over me.  I didn’t want to stop. 
It was like fifth grade when my cousin, Brent, let me in on the secret that
there was no Santa.  I cried, and it wasn’t because I thought I wouldn’t get
any gifts.  For an introverted kid who kept feelings to herself, writing
letters to a nonjudgmental Santa had nothing to do with gifts.  He was someone
I’d tell my dreams to or wrote about things that bothered me.”

“Hmm, therapist
Santa,” Laura said.

I sat up and slid
my legs over the side of the chaise to face Laura.  “I don’t feel the need to
write to Matt anymore.”

“Thank God for
that,” said Laura.

  “I’ve realized
it was part of my unwillingness to let go of the past.  In a way, I hid behind
his death.  I put myself in emotional lockdown and threw away the key.”

“Have you ever
shared this with any of your therapists?”

I dug my feet into
the sand, the fine grains shifting through my toes.  “No.  I’ve never been
completely honest with any therapist.”

“Why not?”

“I think that
admitting I have weaknesses would make me feel as if I were out of control.  A
few days ago, you alluded to the fact that it was unhealthy for me to try and
put life into perfectly organized little compartments in an attempt to control
every aspect of it.  It’s how I’ve lived my life since Matt died.  It was like
an automatic coping mechanism.  But I’m going to start doing things differently.”

Laura eyed me
skeptically.

“Really, I am.  On
the way home from the cemetery this morning, Nicholas said he felt like he
didn’t fit in with his friends.  He cried over not having a father to hang out
with like the other kids.  I feel it’s my fault.  I’ve been selfish.  I’m not
saying I should have remarried just to give my son a father.  But I never
stopped to think about how my actions were affecting Nicholas.  I don’t have
all the answers yet, but I think I’m finally ready to loosen up on the reins.” 
  

Laura nodded
thoughtfully and studied my face.  I wasn’t sure she believed me.  But then why
should she after almost seven years of crying wolf. 

“All I’m going to
say is I’m done living in a dream world.  Speaking of which, do you still have
that book on dream interpretation?”

 “So, I take it
we’re done with our conversation?”

“Yep, nothing more
to talk about.”

Laura shook her
head.  “Yeah, I have the book somewhere.  Why?”

“I had the most
bizarre dream about Matt and his accident and I don’t know what it means.”

“Was it different
than that reoccurring dream you used to have where Matt’s teetering on the edge
of the bluffs?”

“It was similar,
but very different this time.  Long story short, Matt didn’t look like Matt. 
In my dream, he had black hair and was very tall.  He wore sunglasses and when
he took them off, his eyes were blue not amber like Matt’s eyes were.  I can’t
explain it but when I looked into his eyes, somehow he was Matt.  It was
weird.” 

Laura eyes narrowed. 
“Hmm, that’s odd.”

“I know.  What do
you think it means?”

With the sun
almost directly above her, she put her arm over her forehead to shade her
eyes.  “I wasn’t referring to the meaning of your dream being odd.  It’s about
the man in your dream.  When did you dream this?”

“A few days ago,
maybe.  Why?”

Laura scooped up
the sunglasses from her lap and slipped them on.  Sunday night when we went out
to dinner with the guys, do you remember bumping into this guy when I was
taking you to the restroom?

“Let’s get real, I
don’t even remember eating.”

“Well, as I was
dragging your sorry ass to the restroom, we turned the corner and you stumbled right
into this very tall, handsome guy who caught you.”

“Oh yeah.  I do
remember, but very vaguely.  Why?”   

“He used that lame
pick up line of ‘Have we met before?’ and you mumbled something back to him
about his eyes.”  Laura shrugged her shoulders.  “It was hard to decipher
exactly what you were saying, but I think you called him Matt.”

“Really?  That’s odd. 
I wonder what I was thinking.”

While the scent of
coconut tanning lotion mingled with the warm breeze, I couldn’t even begin to
rationalize why I’d call a complete stranger, Matt.  My thoughts drifted back
to the evening before and the book lying on the coffee table with the highlighted
mark next to the last paragraph on the page.  “He just wanted to sit there and
think about her for awhile…the woman he had loved and lost…and then the woman
he had caught a glimpse of the night before, and could only dream of.” 

Was Matt trying to
tell me something about the man at the restaurant?  The man whose face I
couldn’t remember.

As we sat in the
crowded food court at the mall, I gazed across the table at Laura as she
finished the last bites of her salad.  Next to me, Nicholas sat cross-legged on
a plastic cafeteria chair.  With soggy French fries in hand, he bulldozed a
road through the ketchup in the bottom of his Happy Meal box.  It was just
another day at the mall and everything seemed so normal--but it wasn’t.

There was nothing
normal about Matt being at the cemetery talking to our son.  At least that’s
what I had believed.  I so wanted to ask Laura her opinion.  However, the last
time I asked her advice on parallel universes and spiritual beings, you’d
thought I had just confessed to being a serial killer.

“Hey, let’s stop
at Nordstrom’s to look for a Marc Jacobs handbag,” Laura said, as she popped to
her feet and tossed her hair back off her shoulders.

“Okay.”  I took
the spongy fries from Nicholas’s hand and gave him a wet wipe I pulled from my
purse.

“Oh, but let’s
stop at Victoria’s Secret first.” 

A good-looking
middle-aged man dressed in a white dress shirt and blue jeans caught her
attention.

“Victoria’s
Secret?  No, no,” I said, wagging a finger at her.  “You’re all about those
expensive little things you bring back from New York when you fly out there to
stock up on Prada, Versace, and Manolos, not to mention the rest of your
designer wardrobe.  By the way, I hope you have those items insured.”

“It’s not for me
silly, it’s for you.”

“And exactly who
am I going to wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie for?”

“Well, no one
right now, but it doesn’t hurt to take a look for future reference.  Besides,
you’ll have to get rid of your days-of-the-week underwear someday.”

I figured what the
heck, if it’ll get her off my back, why not?  We rode the escalator up to the
second floor.  No sooner did we step foot in the store, when Laura made a
beeline toward the racks at the back.

“You have to try
this on,” she said, as she pulled a long black lacy nightgown off the rack and
held the hanger up under my chin, letting the gown drape in front of me.  “It’s
perfect!” 

“You’re joking, right?” 
The slit up the front looked as if it could reach my belly button. 

Her eyes shifted
to look past me.  “I don’t believe it!”  She whipped the nightgown from under
my chin and flung it back on the rack.  “Quick, look at the guy standing out in
the mall right in front of the display window.” 

“Where?”  I said,
as I turned to look behind me.  “You mean the elderly mall-walker in the blue
jogging suit?”

“Ugh!  Not him,
look at the tall, dark-haired guy standing a few feet to the right of him.  I
can’t be sure from this distance, but he looks like the guy you bumped into at
the restaurant.” 

My heart leapt, as
a sick feeling in my stomach rose up in my throat.

Laura squinted
while staring at the man.  “Come on let’s walk up there and find out if it’s
him.”

“What!”  My
response came out like a spontaneous sneeze.  “No, no, I can’t.”

“Why not?’

“Why should I?”

“Because, well…who
knows, maybe you two will hit it off.  Besides, don’t you want to find out if
he looks like the guy in your dream?” 

“I’m a total
disaster.  I’ve got these ratty old jeans on and my ‘Hiking at Bear Mountain’
T-shirt, and I’m having a really bad hair day.”

Laura cocked her
head to one side.  “Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?” 

I thought back to
the pages of the book, the clues Matt kept giving me.  I knew he wanted me to
read the book for a purpose.  He wanted me to compare myself with the
protagonist.  If I didn’t stop dealing with issues of the past, I’d end up
alone, forever!  However, I was terrified.  For most people the word
“terrified” conjured up such things as going to the dentist, having open-heart
surgery, or flying in a plane when you have a fear of heights with a double
whammy of claustrophobia.  However, for me, terrified translated into the fear
of letting go of who I’d become. 
What if I don’t like the new me?
 I
stared at the tall man standing outside the storefront window and tried to
swallow past the lump in my throat.  “Okay, fine,” I said softly.

“Good,” said
Laura.  “Just pretend we’re shopping, and don’t stare at him; we don’t want to
look conspicuous.  I still don’t know if it’s him.”

We casually made
our way toward the front of the store when I became panic-stricken.  “Where’s
Nicholas?”  I stopped and spun around in a dizzying three-sixty, frantically
scanning the store. 

“Hey Mom, look! 
It doesn’t have a back on it!” 

Nicholas looped a
pair of red lacy thongs high above his head like a cowboy whirling a lasso. 
The tall handsome man Laura and I were stalking, casually glanced into the
store, as Nicholas’s antics caused a commotion of laughter from the customers. 
I turned and crouched behind a rack of silk pajamas, while motioning for
Nicholas to stop playing with the panties.