On My Own (3 page)

Speaking of Liz, I had to duck out tonight because her music was getting to me. It's so dark and hopeless and depressing–all these lyrics about pain and lost love and futility. And even though she doesn't play it all that loud, the bleakness started wearing on me. Anyway, I'm at the library right now and just went on-line hoping to find some encouraging bits of e-mail from friends or family–but there's nothing! All I had in my in box was a couple pieces of smutty spam and an ad from a credit agency. I suppose everyone else is too busy to write to me right now. I imagine them all having a good
time, getting together with friends, sharing a few laughs. And I must admit to having to fight down some real waves of jealousy.

Okay, I know I'm right where God wants me. But why does it feel so dark and lonely here? Why did I land such a miserable roommate? And what am I supposed to do about it?

Suddenly this song is hitting me–“This Little Light of Mine”–and I know it's kind of juvenile, but it's making me smile. I remember how we'd sing it in Spanish with the little kids down in Mexico, holding our fingers up like little torches and repeating over and over how we were going to let it shine everywhere.

So I guess that'll be my theme song for right now. Pretty mature for a college coed, eh? But on the other hand, I think it's just what I need. Anyway, I'm heading back to the dorm, and I'll be singing that song all the way there. Then I may put on a good CD of my own–quietly, of course. I don't want to irritate my roomie. Not too much anyway.

I couldn't believe Pastor Obertti's Sermon today. It was about being a light in the darkness! It's as if God wanted to confirm that my little song was truly from Him last night and that I really Am right where He wants me to be. Even though my roommate seems to be pretty dark, I can still be a light to her. God wants me to be His
light, and I'm not to hide under anything. I feel so encouraged. Well, mostly anyway.

Unfortunately, I feel a little discouraged to learn that, due to conflicts at the church, the college fellowship group has changed their meeting time from Wednesday nights to Tuesday nights (the same night as my English class!). I doubt there's any chance of changing my class since it looked like everything was full when I got that one. Still, I'll give it a try tomorrow.

Liz, after sleeping in, has been gone all afternoon, which I must admit is something of a relief. It's not that I don't want to be a light to her today (because I do), but it's nice to have the room to myself for a few hours–kind of like I'm getting my bearings back. I've been reading my Bible and praying and listening to CDs …sort of strengthening myself to hopefully be a light for Him.

Another bright spot in my day was having my mom call me earlier this evening. I never would have expected to be so happy to hear her voice. But I was. I even got a little weepy when it was time to hang up, although I didn't let on. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't handling everything and being mature. Anyway, she told me all the latest news. Aunt Stephie's so big she can hardly move around, and it looks as if she could go into labor any day. And Pastor Tony (who's usually so cool and calm) is acting just like any other nervous, first-time father-to-be. My brother Ben got picked for second-string quarterback for Leeland Middle School's eighth-grade team and wants me to let Josh know ASAP. (Josh
had practiced with him a lot this summer.) And of course Mom asked about my new roommate.

“Well, she's kind of different,” I told her.

“Different?” I could hear a slight twinge of panic in my mom's voice, as if she was imagining me rooming with some Satan worshiper or drug dealer or something else equally abhorrent.

“It's not like she's into drugs or self-mutilation or anything weird,” I reassured her. “But she's not exactly friendly, you know.”

“Oh, maybe she's just shy, Caitlin. Remember how shy you used to be back in middle school?”

“Yeah.” I nodded grimly. “Maybe that's it.”

“You should try to be more outgoing to her, Catie. She probably just needs a good friend.”

I kept my thoughts to myself regarding the “friend” topic, then listened as Mom filled me in on a few more things before she said she had to go and prepare some lesson plans for school. After I hung up the phone, I imagined my family going about their normal Sunday evening business. Mom with her first-grade lesson plans, Ben frantically trying to catch up on whatever homework he'd put off all weekend, and my dad at his computer or maybe watching a ball game. Except it was so strange to think that I was the one who was missing from the picture. I mean, usually when I've been away from home, I'm so busy and wrapped up with my own life that I don't take time to even consider what it might be like without me there.

I'll really be glad when classes start tomorrow. Speaking of which, it's getting late. And despite my plan to be God's “little light” for Liz this evening, I think it's going to have to be lights-out for me. I have to get up early for an eight o'clock class in the morning.

Can people actually undergo
a personality change without even realizing it? It's like I'm suddenly turning into someone else. Okay, not really, but sort of. I'm sure it has to do with being on my own and in a new place. Also I've been pretty busy with classes and homework, plus trying to adjust to my somewhat strange roommate. But somehow I feel like I'm not the same old Caitlin–and it worries me.

Maybe I feel different simply because I'm no longer surrounded by my old friends and family. Sort of like I've been cut loose and set adrift amid this rolling sea that just carries me away. Of course, I know that God is here with me, and I believe He's at work, probably doing something totally amazing with my life. But my feelings right now seem slightly confused and unsettled. I'm sure it's because my old surroundings (friends and
family) provided a kind of insulating culture for me. I could count on them to be there for me. And even when we didn't see eye to eye, I knew they still loved me. Here at college, it's as if all the rules have changed. At least that's how it feels.

For one thing, my classes are so huge that I feel all but invisible, like it wouldn't even matter if I didn't show up. After the first week, some teachers don't even take roll call anymore–like they don't even care if you're there or not. But then I guess that's part of this whole adult responsibility thing–we're supposed to be mature enough to do what's right whether or not anyone else notices.

In a way I think I'm lucky that God's been teaching me about this stuff already. And I feel kind of sorry for Liz because she's slept in and been late for a couple of classes already. (The only reason I know this is because I sneaked a peek at her schedule, which she left on top of her desk.) I know she has an eight o'clock class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But did I interfere and wake her up? You better believe I did NOT! And although my morning class wasn't until ten, I got up even before she did. I showered and then dressed quietly, gathered my things, and went down for breakfast.

Josh was right about the dorm food. Although I've discovered if I get to the dining room early enough, I can get my hands on a yogurt and orange juice, which suits me just fine.

Speaking of Josh, I finally got an e-mail from him
yesterday. I'd written him to let him know I wouldn't be making the fellowship group because of my class. He said that was too bad but to make sure I go next term. Then he told me a little about Bible college. It sounds very cool, like they have this real sense of spiritual family and mission and stuff. And once again I'm trying not to be envious. I mean, I'm really glad for him that he's there, but when I hear these things, it makes me feel sort of left out in the cold.

Which makes me think of Beanie and Jenny and Anna. I also got an e-mail from Beanie (about time!), and it sounds like those three are totally loving their new school. I wrote back and tried to sound equally happy and positive about the university, but I think Beanie will be able to read between the lines. She's always seen right through me. I really wish they could come over here for a visit–which I know is ridiculous, not to mention impractical. Sheesh, here it is just the first week of college, and I miss them all so much. I'm thinking how much I took for granted our time together in high school. What was I thinking? Right now, I wouldn't mind at all going back there. I can just imagine being in the old cafeteria, hanging with my friends … Okay, Caitlin, quit your dreaming! Time to wake up and do your homework.

Liz and I hardly crossed paths all week. Until this afternoon, that is. I finished my last class and came “home.”
(I'm trying to start calling this place home, although it's a real stretch of my imagination.) Anyway, I decided to take a nap. For some reason I felt totally exhausted (another thing that's not usually like me). But I figured it was my first week at college with classes and maybe I was just plain tired.

Anyway, it seems like I've barely drifted off to sleep when suddenly I hear this loud bang, and Liz throws her backpack on the bed and is just cussing up a blue streak.

I jump out of bed, disoriented and still half asleep. “What's going on?”

“I thought I was alone!”

“Are you okay?”

Another string of off color words that end in: “none of your blankety-blank business.”

“Fine!” I say, not bothering to hide my irritation. “Then if you don't mind I'll go back to sleep.” Of course, by now I'm wide awake and feeling fairly chagrined (don't you love that word?). But Liz keeps stomping around, making noise and cussing, though somewhat more quietly. All of which is really disturbing.

Finally I sit up and say, “What in the world is wrong with you?”

She sits down on her bed, folds her arms and crosses her legs, and scowls at me as if I've personally done something detestable, which I'm pretty sure I haven't.

“Not that it's any of your business, but if you must know, Rachel is going out with Jordan.”

Well, I know from taking phone messages that Jordan is Liz's guy friend, although I'm not sure if they are very serious or not.

“Who's Rachel?” I ask, knowing I might be letting myself in for all kinds of trouble.

“My supposedly best friend.”

Well, now I must literally bite my tongue to keep from reminding Liz about how she “judiciously chooses her friends.” Instead, I just say, “Oh.”

Liz studies me carefully then shakes her head. “I should've known something bad was going to happen today.”

“Why?”

She looks at me as if I'm really dumb. “It's Friday the thirteenth.”

I nod, trying to think of something encouraging to say. Finally it hits me. “You know, I used to believe in stuff like that too.”

Liz groans now, rolling her eyes. “Okay, here it comes.”

“What?”

“The big salvation sermon, right?”

“The what?”

“You don't honestly think I haven't noticed your goody-goody Jesus posters and religious music or your Bible always lying open on your bed? Do you really think I'm that dense, Caitlin?” As usual, she says my name like I'm five. “I don't even know why I told you about Jordan and Rachel in the first place.” Now she's standing and jerking her arms into her leather coat. “It's like an open
invitation for you to start trying to push your Sunday school religion right down my throat.”

“I wasn't–”

But it's too late, she was already out the door. Even now I can still hear the slam ringing in my ears.

Of course, I've been praying for her tonight. And I know she's not happy. But at the same time I'm wondering, is it right for her to make me so miserable? Maybe I should see about switching roommates on Monday.

I slipped out of my room this morning and walked over to the library to do homework while Liz was still asleep. She came in really early this morning (around 3 a.m), and I don't expect she'll be up until this afternoon. The pungent smell made it pretty obvious that she'd been drinking. Hopefully she didn't make herself sick.

I feel really bad for her, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't see how my rooming with her is really going to change anything. I mean, people don't change if
they don't want to. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to. Still, I'm not sure that God wants me to abandon her yet either. More than ever, I'm praying that He'll show me what to do.

I got a sweet e-mail from Josh's sister Chloe today. I'd written her a quick note last week and found myself telling her a little bit about Liz. It's funny that I did because I haven't told anyone else much of anything about my weird roommate. But for some reason, even though Chloe's only fifteen, I just suspected she'd understand. I guess in some ways Liz reminds me a little bit of Chloe. Although Chloe is much, much softer and, I think, much closer to accepting Jesus into her heart.

Anyway, Chloe's response was so encouraging. She said that she thinks Liz probably really needs me and that even though Liz won't likely admit it, she may be glad (underneath it all) that I'm her roommate. Then Chloe added, “You know, I think God really does work in mysterious ways.” This was very interesting, coming from Chloe, and it gives me more hope for her than I've ever had before.

So I wrote back a long e-mail telling her all about Liz's latest explosions, and now I'm curious to hear what Chloe's reaction will be to that. It makes me feel a little silly though, as if I'm going to a fifteen-year-old (who's not even a believer yet) for advice. But that's not really how it is. I'm mostly just trying to keep the lines of communication open with her. I know that God's up to something in her life, and I really care about her. Not only that, it's
nice to be able to be completely candid and honest with someone who won't. I) get all worried about you, 2) give you a sermon, or 3) tell you to find a new roommate. For now I think Chloe makes a good confidant when it comes to my situation with Liz. In the meantime, I'm praying a lot! And that's a good thing.