On a Snowy Christmas Night (17 page)

“As I got older nothing changed. My classmates, coworkers, Brian, my boss, everyone around me reinforced what I’d learned as a kid. I was expected to produce. Social participation, not necessary. My IQ defined me and everyone I’ve ever known has wanted something from me. Except you, Jesse. And your family. You don’t care how smart I am or if I’m going to make stockholders rich. I sat in your kitchen and realized that the McAllisters just want to be sure I’m okay.” She swallowed a lump of emotion. “So you see, even clueless, inept me knows something about your family. Don’t underestimate them. You do them a disservice.”

She’d gone too far. Said too much. He was staring at her with the same remote expression he’d worn that morning in the kitchen. She could barely see any sign of the Jesse she knew. Damn him. Damn herself for sticking her nose into matters about which she knew nothing.

Still, she didn’t shut up. “You’re not useless, not then, not now,” she said with a fierceness she hadn’t known she possessed. “I bought in to everyone’s crap and stayed nice and safe inside my bubble. I threw myself into my work. So I admit, feeling as if I don’t belong is partly on me. I let it happen. Because now if I’m not the best at what I do, I’m worse than useless, I’m nothing. Your family loves you. You matter. That’s not a small thing.”

She felt drained. Stunned that she’d revealed so much about herself. But she had to get up, be sure she could stand. Make it down the ladder and then to her room.

She almost made it to her feet when he pulled her onto his lap. “Don’t go,” he whispered, his voice husky.

She buried her face in his shoulder. Her eyes were moist and he didn’t need to see that. If she’d gotten through to him, it was worth having exposed herself.

“You must think I’m a selfish, thoughtless bastard,” he murmured, his breath warm on her neck.

“Of course I don’t.”

“You’re really something, Shea Monroe,” he said, leaning back so he could tip her chin up and look her in the eyes. “Thank you.”

Shea inhaled a shaky breath, which was a good thing because a moment later he stole it away with a kiss.

* * *

A
T
THE
BACK
DOOR
, Shea had decided she wanted to stick to the plan of separately sneaking up to her room. But that meant anyone loitering in the kitchen had a view of the stairs leading up to the guest wing. Luckily only two women were gabbing at the table. Jesse distracted them while Shea slipped upstairs. She owed him big for having to endure Mrs. Wilcox’s drawn-out recounting of her latest bout with shingles.

He knocked twice at Shea’s door before letting himself in. She lay stretched out on the queen-size bed, naked, the cream-colored sheets draped over her hips. Her pretty pink nipples were already puckered and beckoning him, yet all he could do was stand there and stare, his heart slamming his chest.

Her debt for the Wilcox ordeal? Paid in full.

She smiled, then blew at the long bangs getting in her eyes. “What kept you?”

He’d already jerked the buttons free, and he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the wood floor as he walked toward her.

His boots and jeans came off next. But he made sure he grabbed the condom out of his pocket before he chucked the Levi’s. God, he wanted her with a desperation that wasn’t like him. But then Shea stirred all kinds of unfamiliar feelings. He’d told her things...things he’d never said aloud.

How could someone so sweet and inexperienced reduce him to mindless mush? He hadn’t been thinking about his future, about the epic decision he had to make. The truth was, reenlisting was looking like a less viable option. When he was with her, or even thinking about being with her, life seemed perfect. She thought she was different, clueless. She was so wrong. Shea Monroe was wiser and more in touch with reality than anyone he knew.

And brave. So damn brave. Sharing her innermost fears and hurdles with him to help him see that he might have made some wrong assumptions, himself. She’d given him a lot to think about. But right now he had to have her.

She looked absolutely beautiful lying there, her hair spread out, color high in her cheeks as she waited... For him.

“What’s wrong?” she asked softly, worrying her lower lip, her gray-blue eyes growing dark with concern, probably because he’d been motionless, staring.

“Nothing,” he said, pulling back the sheet and crawling in beside her. “Just thinking how beautiful you look.”

Her lips parted in protest. He covered them with an openmouthed kiss, using his tongue with a thoroughness he hoped expressed something for which he couldn’t find the words.

He moved down to kiss each breast, her stomach, each hip bone while he sheathed himself.

She spread her thighs for him, and he positioned himself between them, using all his willpower not to just bury himself inside her. He leaned over, framed her face with his hands and looked into her eyes as he slowly entered her until they were as close as two people could be. Then she lifted her hips and clutched his shoulders. That was all he could stand.

He began to move, and she was right there, so in sync it was as if they’d done this a thousand times before, that their bodies had a language of their own. Neither of them looked away, they barely blinked. The connection was as real as the heat between her legs, as the rush that started in the deepest part of him until he couldn’t hold back.

A low moan of pleasure tore from her throat as she trembled with her own release. And damn if he didn’t hold on to her as if he never wanted to let go.

17

C
HRISTMAS
MORNING
DAWNED
bright and sunny, the air inside the house fragrant with pine, sweet rolls and coffee as Shea descended the stairs, trying to shake her worry over the still-missing Caleb. Everyone was on the lookout for the roan, and there wasn’t anything more she could do, so she needed to focus on the moment. On Christmas.

Jesse had left earlier to feed and water the stabled horses while she’d showered, and it surprised her that she wasn’t the least bit nervous to enter the kitchen alone. Even knowing she’d have to make small talk with Barbara, Rachel and anyone else who was responsible for the heavenly smells making her tummy growl. Mostly, though, she was excited. So very happy.

Yesterday, after her shift at Safe Haven and Jesse’s return from delivering the Cessna to the airstrip, the whole family sat down to dinner. They’d automatically included her in their tradition of giving each other small wrapped gag gifts, hers and Jamie’s contributions thoughtfully provided by Rachel, and singing carols in front of the fire.

The three guys refused to sing, apparently also an annual custom, but that didn’t stop them from laughing at Rachel’s and Jamie’s off-key renditions of the holiday favorites. Shea escaped ridicule by lip-syncing. Trace had called her on it, and instead of being embarrassed, she’d felt included. Last night had been the best Christmas Eve ever.

“Merry Christmas!” Rachel and Jamie said at the same time when they saw her come through the door. They were sitting at the table with steaming mugs, sharing a cinnamon bun.

Unexpectedly emotional, Shea opened her mouth to respond in kind and found her voice wouldn’t work. She just stared at them for a second and then said, “Oh.” She cleared her throat and lied. “I haven’t used my voice yet.”

Rachel cracked up, then with a sly wink, said, “Yeah, guess my brother isn’t much of a talker this early.”

Jamie rolled her eyes. “God, Rachel, we really need to get you hooked up. I promise they had better things to do than talk.”

Shea’s cheeks got a bit warm. Of course
everyone
knew about her and Jesse sleeping together but no one had said anything.

Rachel groaned. “No kidding. This dry spell is killing me. Good ol’ Blackfoot Falls,” she muttered. “Screw it.” She stood. “I want my own disgustingly fattening bun.”

Jamie thought that was pretty funny. Smiling, Shea crossed to the coffeepot, again struck by the impossible idea that Jamie had only known everyone for a few months.

“Rachel, get back to the table. You, too, Shea.” Jamie glanced over her shoulder at the door, then waited for them to join her. “Cole and I planned to tell everyone later, but I can’t wait. And he laughed at my singing last night so the hell with it. But I’m only telling the two of you so don’t say anything.”

Jamie sat across from them, excitement dancing in her face, as she cast a last glance toward the door.

“All right, already,” Rachel said. “Jeez, tell us.”

Mirroring Rachel, Shea leaned closer. Her heart leaped and her breath quickened. They’d never understand the poignancy of this moment for her. Especially with Jamie looking from Rachel to Shea and back again. Shea belonged to this little group, right here, right now. She totally belonged.

“I’m moving here,” Jamie said, her hazel eyes shining. “Right after the holidays. I’m packing up everything, selling my condo and then I’ll start working from—”

“Oh, my God.” Rachel jumped up. Her chair flew backward. She rounded the table, her arms open. “Oh, my God. Jamie. This is so awesome.” They hugged for a long moment, then Rachel moved back, dabbing at her eyes.

“Congratulations,” was all Shea could think to say.

“Thanks.” Jamie beamed. “I travel a lot, and that won’t change much for now, but in between I basically work from home. As long as I have my computer, I’m good.”

“I can’t believe it.” Rachel sniffed. “Cole and I will be fighting over you,” she said, and they all laughed. Then Rachel looked at Shea. “You work with a computer, don’t you? God, if you moved here, too, that would be so cool.”

Shea let out a short laugh, startled. Her heart had begun pounding, but really, what could she say to something so crazy?

“Okay...” Cole’s amused drawl broke up the party. He walked into the kitchen, shaking his head. “I’m betting someone couldn’t keep her mouth shut,” he said as he pulled Jamie into his arms.

She tilted her head back, and with a haughty smile said, “You’ve never complained about my mouth before.”

A grin tugging at his lips, Cole kissed her.

“Gross,” Rachel said in a whiny twelve-year-old voice. She carried her mug to the counter, grinning at Shea.

At the sudden pressure on the small of her back, Shea started. It was Jesse, who’d apparently come in directly behind Cole. His dark fathomless eyes met hers, and she held her breath wondering what he’d heard. She hoped he didn’t think there had been any instigation on her part. Anyway, Rachel had been joking.

His gaze only wavered when he slid a possessive arm around her shoulders and whispered, “I think it would be very cool.”

* * *

H
OURS
LATER
, snuggled up next to Jesse in his truck, Shea yawned, tired from a full day and it was only late afternoon. They turned down the driveway to the Sundance followed by Jamie, Cole, Trace and Rachel riding in Cole’s huge black pickup.

Christmas breakfast had not been the leisurely affair she’d expected. She’d known straight off she had time for only a cameo because she’d refused to leave Annie alone to handle the day’s chores. What had stunned Shea was the announcement Trace made when she’d tried to excuse herself from the table. The whole family was going to Safe Haven to help. Everyone except Barbara, who stayed behind to get a jump on dinner preparations.

Jesse glanced over at her. “Don’t fall asleep. We still have dinner and presents.”

She winced. “I didn’t buy you anything, Jesse. It was such a crazy week.”

He picked up her hand and kissed the back. “I have what I want.”

Her heart fluttered. Since this morning it had been hard to shut out what he’d said in the kitchen. Or to not think about Jamie’s upcoming move. Her job as a travel blogger allowed her to live anywhere. Shea wasn’t in quite the same situation, but the fact remained that a computer was all Shea needed, as well.

A week ago, the mere idea of leaving her job would have seemed preposterous. God, hadn’t she suffered enough change in the past year? But several times today when she’d been seeing to the sick horses or feeding and playing with the goats, she’d fantasized about what it would be like to work permanently at a place like Safe Haven. She’d never thought of herself as an outdoor person...for good reason. She wasn’t, not even a little. But thinking about being stuck at a desk for fourteen hours a day really got to her.

And then there was Jesse. Of course he was part of the equation. Leaving him would be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. But her logical brain refused to give her feelings for him unrealistic weight. She’d learned too much about herself in the past year to backslide now.

What she had to do was stop thinking. Shame on her if she ruined her nearly perfect Christmas. Only two things would’ve made her day better—if Caleb had been found, and if Annie had accepted the McAllisters’ dinner invitation.

Jesse parked in his normal spot and turned off the ignition, but he made no move to get out. He angled toward her and brushed aside her bangs. “What’s going on? You don’t look happy.”

“I was thinking about Annie. I know she adores your family. She never goes anywhere unless she needs something for Safe Haven. I wish she’d given in and come to dinner.”

“The holidays are a hard time for some people. Others prefer to be alone.” His mouth curved faintly. “I get that. I don’t know Annie well, but since she moved here she’s been a loner.”

“Yeah, I get the solitary part, too.” Hard to believe after this past week.

He cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for a long slow kiss.

Cole had parked somewhere behind them. Someone honked the pickup’s horn.

From the back window, Jesse made a gesture with his hand she couldn’t see but it wasn’t hard to guess. With a laugh, she broke the kiss.

“Children,” he muttered irritably.

“And you were so mature.”

Grinning, he opened his door. She heard her side open at the same time.

It was Trace. “Everyone helps Mom with dinner.”

Jesse sighed. “Shea, elbow him for me, would you?”

She slid out of the truck and kissed Trace’s cheek. “Thank you for helping today.”

“Hey, no problem.” He lifted his Stetson and resettled it, then headed for the house.

Chuckling, Jesse took her hand. “You caught the kid off guard. Doesn’t happen often.”

“Him? God, I can’t believe I did that.”

“Yet you survived. How about that?”

Sighing contentedly, she leaned into his side, and hands held tightly, they followed Trace. As soon as they made it through the front door, the craziness began.

Everybody pitched in to finish dinner, and within a couple of hours the meal was on the table and they’d all eaten their fill. Trace cleared the dishes without complaint, for which he received a standing ovation from Rachel and Jamie.

Next came the opening of presents. Shea had thought it was a bit strange to wait until the evening but she discovered the McAllisters didn’t exchange gifts so there wasn’t much to the ritual. Instead they chose two needy families in the county, provided them each with a side of beef for their freezer and lavished the children with wrapped toys and clothes.

Against Barbara’s wishes, however, Rachel and the guys had bought her something. She’d gingerly opened the beautifully wrapped package, teared up as she smoothed her hand over the soft cashmere coat, then scolded her children for their extravagance.

The only other gifts under the tree were the ones Jamie had brought for each member of the family. Shea was touched but embarrassed that Jamie even had a present for her...a pretty hunter-green scarf Jamie had picked up in Kalispell after meeting Shea.

After the wrapping paper was collected and disposed of, Barbara left the group to make some phone calls. Cole and Jamie took their cue and disappeared, and Trace announced he was headed to a poker game in the bunkhouse with the two hands who’d elected not to go home for the holiday.

“Come with me to the barn,” Jesse said, when Rachel excused herself, explaining she still had Christmas cards to open.

Shea stared at him in disbelief. “Seriously?”

“No, not that.” He smiled. “I have something for you.”

“Oh, no.” Shea groaned. “Don’t do this,” she said, resisting when he rose and tried to pull her up with him.

“What’s wrong? You’ll like this...I promise.”

“Don’t you understand—”

“No.” He forced her to her feet and led her to the back door, where their jackets hung on hooks in the mudroom.

Although he appeared calm, she sensed his excitement, and felt his quickening pulse as he practically dragged her toward the barn.

“I have nothing for you,” she muttered, miserable.

“I told you.” He squeezed her hand. “I have what I want.”

His sweet gesture did little to pacify her. “But it’s your fault,” she said. “You monopolized all of my free time.”

“You complaining?” Grinning, he flipped on the barn lights, stole a quick kiss, then motioned with his chin. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” he said, slipping behind her and circling his arms around her waist.

She let him draw her back against his chest as she stared at her gift. Bags of oats and corn were stacked four feet high and tied with a big sloppy red bow.

He rested his chin on her shoulder so that their cheeks touched, his arms tightening around her waist. “Am I forgiven?”

Shea laughed with complete delight. “I—I can’t believe you did this. It’s perfect.” Emotion rose in her chest. “It’s the nicest present I’ve ever—” She had to swallow. “Oh, Jesse...” Overwhelmed, she turned around in his arms and kissed his chin, then his cheek, though she’d been aiming for his mouth.

“Hold on. There’s more.” He easily found her lips, but kept the kiss brief, practically a peck. “Come on.”

“No, you can’t possibly do better than this.”

“Trust me,” he said, his chocolate-brown eyes melting her.

And because she did trust him, completely and unconditionally, she let him lead her out of the barn, past the corral while she struggled to deal with the avalanche of emotions clouding her ability to think. In less than a week her life had changed.
She’d
changed. And yet she couldn’t see how that was possible. Even her parents had said she sounded different when she’d called them this morning. Not just her father, but her mother, who was normally oblivious to everything that didn’t pertain to her.

But more incredible...what had nagged her most since this morning...she didn’t miss work. Didn’t miss the safe routine of going to her office, feeling secure in the knowledge that she was the best in her field and her computer never lied or judged.

So lost in thought, she hadn’t realized they’d entered the stables until she heard one of the mares give a quiet nicker.

Shea blinked at Jesse. He stopped in front of the next stall. Didn’t say a word, just waited, his gaze locked on her.

She frowned, wondering if he’d spoken and she hadn’t heard him. Then she turned her head to see if she could figure out what she’d missed.

Gasping, she clutched at her heart. She blinked rapidly at the beautiful strawberry-blond mane. Were her eyes playing a trick on her? “Caleb?” She stepped up to the stall, her outstretched hand trembling as she neared enough to touch him.

Ears pricked forward, he lowered his head and blew short and hard through his flared nostrils.

His warm breath hit her face, and her heart soared at his offer of friendship. “You remember me, don’t you, sweetie?” she whispered. “I looked for you. I swear I didn’t abandon you.”

Jesse stroked her back. “I think he knows.”

Emotion swelled in her throat and stung her eyes. She looked at him and saw that he was also affected. “How did you find him?”