On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20) (33 page)

Dear John, (I hate beginning this letter with such a phrase.)

I wanted to tell you that this past year has been the greatest I have ever known. I know without question that my life is better because you were in it. You have taught me so much and shared such wisdom with me that I know my future will be different, better, because of it
.

While neither of us anticipated such an outcome, I would not do anything differently. No matter the difficulty I feel in letting go, I can honestly say that knowing you has been worth every minute of the painful road ahead. I simply know it! Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the privilege of loving you in return
.

With all my love,

Chelsea

John moved quickly to her bedroom and found her bed was never slept in. In that moment, his heart sank and that familiar burning sensation in his chest returned, in all likelihood to stay. Leaving the house without collecting his things, he intended to go to her house to at least say good-bye. With the way she left, she refused him that. And while he understood why she did what she did, he couldn’t leave their last moments together as it was. The night before, due to the depth of his grief and sorrow, he was quiet and at times distant. He should have made more of his time with her, but felt so out of control emotionally, he could hardly think straight. He couldn’t fully comprehend that it was actually his last night with her. Most often he found he could hardly breathe when considering what the future without her would feel like. Finally, he was living in the first moments of that future and everything within him cried out for just a few minutes more. He needed to see her one last time. He needed to kiss her and hold her and have some final memory to take away beyond falling asleep with her on the couch and waking empty handed.

John pulled into the garage and was relieved to find her car still there. All the way to her house he feared she would be gone. Shifting into park, he sat for a minute, trying to remind himself of all the reasons that letting her go was best for her. Playing the martyr had never been his strong suit. Never, in nearly fifty years, had he cared enough for anyone to allow their wellbeing to supersede his own. For Chelsea though, he would do whatever he knew to be for her gain, no matter his feelings.

While sitting there, he thought of that first meeting in his office when she suddenly had cold feet and stood to leave. What if he would have simply let her go? Would they both not have been spared the heartbreak of loving so deeply only to walk away as if that love didn’t matter? Many times he considered that one moment in time. In context, his assurance was that he would not expect anything of a sexual nature from her, but his words still ricocheted in his head, “I can assure you, you will be safe with me.” Chelsea entered into their agreement with his commitment that she would be safe. He failed to protect her. All those months, out of his own selfishness and desire to hang on to her until that very last moment, he allowed her to grow only closer, to be drawn deeper into their relationship. In hindsight, he had to admit, he failed her completely and in every way. As soon as he suspected her feelings, he should have let her go. He was selfish and self-indulgent, all to her expense, just as he had been with Tracy. Obviously, he hadn’t changed so much after all.

Inside her condo, he found she was already packing up to leave. There was a box sitting on the table near the front door and on the top was written, “John.” Hesitating only a moment, he looked at the box, certain he didn’t want to see what was inside of it. Walking further into the living room, he scanned his surroundings and immediately noticed every picture frame was empty, but still in its place. All was quiet. It was then that he realized he was too late, and with that realization came the sensation that all the oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the room. His breath came in rapid and painful bursts, as if he’d been running a long distance.

Moving to stand before her piano, John traced his fingers along the keys. In his mind, he could hear the last song she played for him. Pausing for a minute, closing his eyes, he heard her words about a beautiful ending. It was the same song she sang that first time he went to hear her play
at church. Both times, she sang with such strong emotion that he was moved nearly to tears. This day, the melody playing in his mind actually caused them to form in his eyes and spill over onto his cheeks. There would be no such beautiful ending for them.

Without question, he knew he would never, ever allow himself to love in such a way again. If any word could describe him at that moment, it was
broken
. She broke him, and he was quite certain that he would never feel whole again, not without Chelsea.

From there, he moved into her bedroom. It was the same scene. All things looked exactly as they did before, with the exception of photos being removed from their frames. He opened her closet. Lined there neatly were the dresses he’d bought for her. And at the sight of each, a flash of memory brought every dinner, every party they attended to mind. As he’d come to learn early on, that woman who dressed up and attended with him was never the real Chelsea. The one he fell so deeply in love with was the one who wore jeans and pajamas that doubled as workout clothes. She was a downhome girl who was transplanted into a world she never belonged, not L.A., and certainly not the pretentious world he called his life. Scanning back over the contents of her closet, noting that all that was missing were her own clothes, he had to face the fact that the real Chelsea would never be his again, or maybe she never was to begin with.

Remembering the box beside the front door, John went to get it. Taking it to the trunk in front of the sofa, he sat it down and began to rummage through it. Everything was organized into plastic bags. One held the jewelry he’d bought for her, thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth that never meant a thing to her. Another was filled with cash. He didn’t have to count it; he knew it would be exactly thirty-six thousand dollars. Chelsea had asked for only two thousand per month, so he was certain it was the extra three thousand given over a period of twelve months. Another smaller bag contained the keys to the condo and her car.

Lifting the bag filled with jewelry, he looked around for the locket. It wasn’t there. Since he gave it to her as a Christmas gift, that must have made her feel as if it truly belonged to her. Everything else he’d ever given her was in that condo or in the garage. She left with nothing more than what she came with. On purpose, she took nothing of him
with her. Surrounded by her, everything in that condo reminding him of her, John had to wonder for the first time if maybe she cared less than he thought. How could she so easily leave everything they shared behind? Immediately, though, the sound of her sobbing the night before replayed in his mind. He’d never heard anything more pitiful. If he’d ever been loved, Chelsea loved him.

Sitting back, tossing the bag of jewelry back into the box, he wondered what she would do for transportation. More than a month before graduation, she would be left with no means of getting around. His hope was that she had some money to live on. In that moment he realized he was barely catching a glimpse of what his life would be without her. He anticipated that each and every day would be filled with such moments, wondering what she was doing and how she was managing. As dreadful as his future without her would be, not knowing if she were well cared for would be one of the most difficult aspects of it. All along, what concerned him most was her wellbeing, and now, he would never know.

That night, John never left Chelsea’s place. Sleeping on the sofa, he woke the next morning in a fog, wondering where he was. But when he saw the box of her things on the table, reality set in. Long into the hours of the night, he thought of all the ways he might help her get started. It was then, upon waking, looking at all the things she was willing to leave behind, that he decided to put his plan into action.

Over the next week, John made arrangements for all of his things to be brought to Chelsea’s place. Without her there, it would never feel as it once did, but it felt more like home than his house ever had. So as not to focus on her absence, he instead set his mind on how to prepare her for her next season of life. Once she graduated, she would be moving back home with her parents, would have no job, no car, and no real opportunities. He could never leave her without the means of taking care of herself. What if instead, he could help her do the one thing she wanted, change the world? Determined to do all the things that she would protest against, he first began by looking at real estate listings there in her hometown.

C
helsea’s commencement ceremony was in early June. As strongly as she argued with her family about coming, they drove out anyway. In a caravan of cars, similar to the Beverly Hillbillies, with the addition of strollers strapped to the roof of two of them, they were there to watch her graduate. After the past weeks feeling so desperately alone, she was grateful to have them there with her. Since moving out of the condo, she’d completely isolated herself from the world. Fortunately, she found a small studio apartment that she could rent just until graduation, and once there, for the most part she studied and slept, not necessarily in that order. Mostly she slept. Finding it impossible to return to life as it was before she met John, even her old routine of wading in a sea of books couldn’t keep her mind occupied. Without him in her life, she found she had little to look forward to, so sleep was a way of not facing a future without him in it. When she did peer into the future, she saw nothing but bleakness, as she had no job lined up after graduation and no drive to find one. Sadly, she realized she’d wasted six years of her life working toward degrees in a field she had no desire to pursue.

Time passed at such an excruciatingly slow pace, she often considered going straight home and skipping the commencement. Once or twice, she deliberated whether she would finish her classes to graduate. After having gone to such extremes to finance her final year, ultimately, it meant nothing to her in comparison with what she lost. But because John was always so proud of her accomplishments, she stayed the course and finished the last of her classes.

The one bright spot in that time was a card she received from Tuck saying he was praying for her. The card itself was silly, but his written
words were warm and sincere. In her opinion, there was no kinder man in the world. As many years as had separated them, he was still the one person who could make her smile. Since he was the only one who knew she was suffering, the gesture meant a great deal.

By the time she got rid of all her books, ones she couldn’t care less if she ever saw again, all she had left was some clothes and photos. After six years in L.A., she had nothing more to show for her life there than her degrees and a few suitcases of clothes. There was something about that she found tremendously sad. Of the six years she was there, only the last one contained anything significant enough to take home with her. And she was doing that, taking John home in her heart.

During the ceremony, Chelsea was waiting nervously when she spotted John in the crowd. How, out of so many people, she narrowed in on him she was unsure. But he was there. At the sight of him in his dark suit, her stomach began to flutter and churn. His hair was cut short, and he was clean shaven. She smiled even brighter. He’d come. She thought he seemed unusually uncomfortable, though. Typically, he was so self-assured and confident, but there, scanning the crowd, he seemed almost nervous. Likely he was checking to see if her parents were there. When he realized she was looking at him, he grinned at her and held her gaze. He was just as happy to see her as she was him; even from so far away, she could see it in his eyes.

From that moment forward, time seemed to come to a standstill. Anxious to be free of the ceremony, she waited in agony for them to call her name. All the while, she watched him, wondering why he’d come. Not once had she considered he might. Nearly forgetting that her family was there, the one time she did look over in their direction she realized her mother had turned to see who she kept looking at. It didn’t take long for her mother to spot John in the crowd, and once she did, she smiled excitedly back at Chelsea.

After they ended their relationship, Chelsea knew she had to let her family know. Trying not to make a big deal of it, she simply told her parents that they realized the age difference was just too great. Of course her father was relieved and said little else other than, “good move.” Her mother asked many more questions, especially ones Chelsea could never
answer. She asked who initiated the break. She asked if Chelsea loved him still. Her mother asked all the things that broke her heart over and over and over. Finally, after many conversations Chelsea had to admit how crushed she was and how he refused to continue on with the relationship because of their vast age difference. Her mother respected John’s wisdom in the matter and even seemed to agree with his reasoning. The only question she asked her after that was if she knew at Christmas, and Chelsea told her that she did.