Olivia (15 page)

“
But we are–” he reminds
me.

“
But it didn’t feel like it. Not
like if my parents had been here this weekend. I don’t want
quickies
. I don’t want to be like Finn and
Camille, who have to do it every time they have five seconds
alone.”

“
You will,” he laughs. “Give it
time.”

“
You want that?” I ask
him.

“
I want
you
. Whenever and however I can have you.”

“
I don’t want this to be more about
sex than it is about... love,” I say hesitantly, realizing how
naïve it sounds the second it comes out. “I don’t want
that.

“
I want it to be special,” I
continue. “I want it to be an important choice we make, every time.
Not something that just happens because the opportunity is
there.”

“
Okay,” he says simply, putting his
hands behind my neck and pulling my face toward his for a
kiss.

“
Really?”

“
Of course. How can I say no to
that?”

“
Thank you,” I tell him, hoping he
means it. “So, you’re coming over Wednesday with your brothers,
right?” He nods, pushing himself off the bed so I can continue
making it. “Trey and Max would have fun together... we could play
pool with Will.”

“
I guess if we’re not going to get
any alone time anyway, it wouldn’t really matter what we do,
huh?”

“
Jon,” I speak to him seriously,
“I’ve missed you this week, and I can’t imagine this weekend going
any better than it did.”

“
If you’d enjoyed it like I did, it
would have been better,” he says, his voice tinged with a bit of
remorse. I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t told him that it was still
more painful than I thought it would be.

“
I enjoyed being with you, Jon.” I
keep telling myself that the pain will continue to lessen over
time, because it has. “It was perfect. But I don’t want to spend
the next year of my life just making plans to be alone with you.
Aside from our one night in Greece, we dated for nearly a year
without having much alone time at all. And it was the best year of
my life because we have so much fun together... doing
other
things together. Please don’t make it just about
sex, okay? We’re more than that.” I punctuate my plea by tossing
the last throw pillow on the bed. He leans over and straightens it
out for me.

“
I’m sorry, baby,” he says, coming
over to my side of the bed. He puts his arms around me and hugs me
tightly. “If you weren’t ready–”

“
No!” I exclaim, pushing him away.
“I
was
ready. I
am
ready. I’m just not ready for it to change us.
That’s all. That’s different, isn’t it?”

“
Yeah,” he states softly. “I get
it.”

“
I wanted last night to happen,
just like I wanted it to happen in Mykonos, Jon. Don’t think for a
second that I have any regrets, because I don’t.”

“
I know you’re trying to make it
sound like it’s not rejection, but it certainly feels like it
is.”

I stare at him for a second before confronting him.
“I know you’re trying to make it sound like you’re not being
manipulative, but you are.”

“
Liv–”

“
No,” I say as I walk back up to
him and take his hands in mine. “Don’t turn this around and make me
feel bad. That’s not fair.”

“
That’s not what I’m trying to
do.”

“
Well, it’s what you’re doing. I
love you and you should have every confidence in the world that I
want you and enjoy being with you–even if it’s kind of
uncomfortable and not as pleasurable for me as it is for you yet.
If I didn’t find some enjoyment in it, Jon, I wouldn’t keep doing
it.”

“
There were times last night when
you seemed like you liked it.”

“
I loved it, Jon. Every second of
being with you. The pain is nothing compared to the closeness I
feel to you when we’re together. I love sharing that with
you.”

“
I love how you make me feel. I
just feel so connected to you, so yeah, it scares me a little to
think that might wear off, the more time we spend apart. I don’t
want this feeling to wear off.”

“
I’ll make sure it won’t,” I
promise him. “I’ll make sure you know, every time I see you, that I
want you that way. Even if you can’t have me, I don’t want you to
have any doubt that I want you.”

“
What are you going to do?” he
asks.

“
I don’t know,” I tell him
honestly, “but I’ll think of something.”

Nate’s Art Room is silent when I walk in on
Thursday. The absence of Granna is everywhere around me. Cold
shivers run through my body, prompting me to walk quickly toward
the back rooms.

“
Mom?” I call out. Something’s
different. I’m used to the sound of our voices echoing throughout
the hallway. Looking around for my mother, I notice the curtains
that have been installed on the windows that face the street. It’s
been so long since I’ve been here that I didn’t even notice the
shift of light. It’s not like me to not notice something like
that.

Well, the drapes do appear to be very thin and
gauzy. I know my mother wouldn’t have allowed anything that would
completely block the sun from coming through. She appreciates
natural light.

“
Mom?” I yell louder.

“
I’m in here, Liv,” she says. Her
voice comes from the room farthest back. It’s Granna’s
office.

“
Where?” I ask in the off-chance
she’ll be somewhere I’m willing to go.

“
Donna’s office.” I stop walking,
and don’t respond. “I’ll come out. I’m just getting my
things.”

Turning around and exploring, I hardly recognize the
place. I’ve never seen any of the art on the walls. It was a
tradition to change the paintings and drawings out monthly to give
everyone a chance to display their work a few times a year. I was
in charge of picking what we would display, with the exception of a
few that Granna chose.

My artwork used to be in here, too.

“
Where are all my paintings?” I ask
Mom when she arrives in the main room.

“
Some are in my office upstairs,”
she says. “The rest are in Donna’s.”

“
Which ones?” I ask
curiously.

“
You can look,” she says softly,
touching my arm. I shake my head. “Where’s Jon?”

“
He’s running late.” She checks her
watch. Since I was coming to run the class tonight, she had
promised to take my brother to a movie with her free time. “I’ll be
fine, Mom.”

“
I won’t leave you here
alone.”

“
I’ll turn on some music. Jon will
be here any minute,” I tell her bravely. “Don’t disappoint Trey. I
know he was looking forward to your date.”

She smiles at me and nods. “Your dad’s right down
the street,” she says, giving me a hug. “If you need anything,
he’ll come.”

“
I know. But Jon will be
here.”

“
I’m just trying to give you
options. There’s no one more reliable than your father.” Before she
can even finish her sentence, Jon enters through the front door. He
walks in like he belongs here; like he’s comfortable here. I like
that my mom trusts him. “Hi, Jon,” she says as she pats him on the
back on the way out. He barely acknowledges her, his eyes locked on
mine and a huge smile on his face.

“
You made it,” he says in what
sounds like a sigh of relief. My mom lets herself out, locking the
door behind her.

“
I said I would.”

“
You’ve said it before,” he reminds
me. “For weeks, in fact.”

“
I know. I’m sor–”

“
Hush,” he tells me. “You don’t
need to apologize, Olivia. I’m just happy to see you.”

“
I’m happy to see you, too.” We
meet each other behind the last row of work tables and kiss. “We’re
alone, too,” I whisper in a moment’s hesitation when our lips are
apart.

“
It’s been two and a half weeks
since we were truly alone.” He wraps his arms around me and hugs me
tightly. He feels so good, so close to me.

“
We might as well have my family
here,” I tell him as I pull away and walk to one of the desks,
picking up a couple of colored pencils that must have been left
from the last class. “And the kids will be here in two
hours.”

“
Plenty of time,” he says
nonchalantly as he puts his bag down and pulls out his
laptop.

“
For?”

He has a mischievous grin when he looks up at me.
“Setting up the class and finishing my Frontiers of Science
assignment.” I frown at him. “You could do your homework, too.”

“
Is this your standard Thursday
routine?” I ask.

“
It is,” he says, “because I’ve
been able to go see you after class.”

“
But I’m here now.”

“
But I still want to spend some
time with you after class to unwind. I don’t want to have my
coursework on my mind.”

“
Okay, that’s not a bad idea.” I
pull out my physics book and set up at the table touching Jon’s.
“Hey, this is our old workbench,” I say with a smile.

“
I know.” He wraps his fingers
around mine as he reads from a packet of papers held together with
a red paperclip. I notice other packets that are secured with
different color clips.

“
Is that, like, different colors
for different courses?” I release his hand and tap on the
paperclip.

“
It is,” he says, still not looking
up.

“
You’re such a dork,” I tease
him.

“
Someone has to be organized in
this relationship,” he says with a smile. He starts using his index
finger as he reads, and I can tell it’s his subtle way of telling
me he’s trying to concentrate.

I try to do some of my assignment, but one glance to
the back of the room creates a pit in my stomach. I keep my
attention focused there, remembering back to one of the classes I’d
attended as a student a few years ago.

I was showing Jon a brush technique, and I was
standing and leaning over his shoulder, moving my wrist and trying
to make his do the same. I remember a rush of chills when he
touched my hand. I stood there, motionless, even though my heart
was bursting to get out. I’d never had such a feeling before.

“
Livvy,” Granna had said, and I
blushed when I turned around to see her in her normal seat, feeling
as if she’d caught me doing something wrong. She was smiling, and
she signaled for me to come to her. Jon breathed in quickly when I
removed my hand from his, and I walked in her direction.

“
Yes?” I said, fidgeting with my
hands clasped in front of me innocently.

“
Let’s keep the hands-on
instruction to a minimum, okay?” she asked.

“
But Granna,” I’d argued, “I do
this with the little kids all the time.” And it was true. I
had.

“
I understand,” she responded. “Jon
isn’t a little kid, though. He’s a young man who is quite astute.
And I know for a fact he knows how to do that technique. I showed
him years ago.”

“
Then why would he ask me to help
him?”

“
You’re a beautiful young lady,”
she answered. I had looked at her, perplexed.

“
Thank you, Granna, but you didn’t
answer my question.”

“
Didn’t I?” she’d asked. My palms
were suddenly clammy as I interpreted what she’d said.

“
Do you think he likes me?” I had
tried to whisper it, but I had a feeling the whole class could hear
my excited question.

She asked me to follow her to her office at that
point. As I walked down the hallway, I turned back and looked at
Jon. His cheeks were blotchy as he quickly looked away.

When Granna and I were alone, she was sober and
serious. She’d told me I was far too
young
to be interested in boys, and she told me that he was far too
old
for me. She also explained that
neither of us needed any distractions. I already knew that Nate’s
Art Room was a special place for Jon. I knew that he went to a
rough school. I knew his home life was turbulent. I knew he had to
work odd jobs to help with his family’s bills. Regardless, Granna
reminded me of all these things.

“
What does that have to do with
me?” I’d asked.

“
If something happened that ruined
your friendship, Livvy, he would have nowhere to go that would
offer him peace.”

“
I don’t think that would happen,”
I told her, feeling suddenly confident in feelings I’d felt for the
first time just five minutes before.

“
It won’t, Livvy. I won’t let it.
Please don’t make me separate the two of you in class. I see that
you are good for one another creatively, but that needs to be the
extent of your relationship for now.”

I’d frowned at her.

“
Don’t take away the one place he
finds comfort, Livvy. You’re not that selfish.”

Of course, at that age, I couldn’t really foreshadow
what may have happened. All I understood was that she was
threatening to move my friend to another desk in the room. At the
time, it would have been like her taking away one of my arms.