Old Sins (42 page)

‘Yes, Roz, it would be a pleasure. Now would you like just me, or shall I ask Camilla? She’s here.’

‘Oh, no,’ she said quickly. ‘Let’s make it just the two of us. Please.’

‘Fine. Dress up then. We’ll go to the Ritz. As it’s the holidays.’

She walked into the Ritz feeling like a real model. Leonard had cut her hair in the new wispy layered look, with little petals of it overlapping one another all over her head and down on to the nape of her neck. Then they had gone, she and her mother, to
the Purple Shop and bought her a pair of black velvet breeches, and a glorious red silk shirt, and some high boots, and a wonderfully flouncy red and purple skirt, like a gypsy’s and then they had gone on to Biba and bought a long, long black velvet dress, with buttons down the front, which her mother said was much too sophisticated but which she knew showed off her new flatter stomach very well, and a long black coat right to the ground, from next door in Bus Stop, and a huge black hat with a floppy brim, and then she had bought a set of eye pencils and spent the whole afternoon practising drawing round her eyes with them, and then the most marvellous thing had happened, David Sassoon had arrived and found her rubbing at them furiously in the kitchen because the light was better there, and he had said, ‘Here, let me do that, if there’s one thing I can do it’s draw,’ and he had held the back of her head very gently with one hand, while carefully outlining her eyes with a dark blue pencil, looking at her very intently all the time, until Roz thought she would faint with emotion, and then telling her she looked gorgeous, and when she walked out to her father sitting in his new black Bentley, with its tinted windows, wearing the skirt and the red shirt and the boots, with her eyes looking all smudgy and big, and her new haircut and she saw him looking at her in genuine astonishment and admiration, she knew that for the very first time since she had heard him saying he didn’t want her to go and live with him, she didn’t have to feel apologetic about herself.

Later over dinner, he asked her how she liked David: he seemed quite nice, she said carefully, much nicer than the last one, and he said, good, and that he liked David very much and he was delighted that her mother seemed happy; but Roz noticed that he pushed his hair back quite a lot during this conversation, and that he didn’t really seem very delighted, and didn’t want to talk about it for long. Testing him she said casually, ‘I wonder if they might get married,’ and he looked very odd indeed, and almost angry, and said, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t think so. I don’t think that would be a good idea at all,’ and changed the subject very quickly and asked her if she would like to come for Christmas with him to the house at Turtle Cove on Eleuthera in the Bahamas that he had just bought, to spend Christmas.

‘And Camilla?’ Roz asked.

‘No,’ he said, looking almost angry again, ‘no, Camilla is spending Christmas with her family.’

‘So would it be just the two of us?’

‘Yes. I’d really like you to come, darling. We’d have fun.’

And Roz, realizing that also for the first time in her life her father really needed her and was depending on her company, looked at him over her forkful of chicken and said, ‘I’m really sorry, Daddy, but I promised Granny and Grandpa just today that I’d go and stay in Wiltshire with them.’

‘Couldn’t you change your mind? Tell them you have to keep your old father company?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘no, I’m afraid I couldn’t, I don’t want to let them down.’

The expression of hurt on her father’s face added greatly to the pleasure of her evening.

For the first time in her life Roz went back to school feeling quite happy. It wasn’t that she wanted to go back to school, but she had had a nice holiday, she had had fun, just like the other girls. She actually found herself joining in the conversation, saying, ‘Well, we did this’ and ‘I got that,’ instead of remaining aloof and apart from them. She supposed it was love that made her feel so good. Everyone knew it changed people for the better.

What was more, she was beginning to think that David did return her feelings a bit. He had that way of looking very deep into her eyes when he was talking to her, and smiling very intently at her; and he always noticed what she was wearing and how she looked and remarking on it, and telling her she looked gorgeous; and he seemed to like talking to her, and hearing her opinion on things; and at the New Year party Granny and Grandpa had given in Wiltshire, he had danced with her several times, and once it had been a real slow dance, and he had held her quite tightly and actually rested his head on her hair and squeezed her hand at one point. Roz had felt so extraordinarily emotional when this had happened, and sort of tingly and tense inside, that she had gone away and sat in her bedroom afterwards, just to think about it and enjoy the memory; and although when she came down again he had been
dancing with her mother and holding her, and looking into her eyes, it hadn’t mattered because she knew what he felt for her was different and special. When she went back to school he had kissed her goodbye, just lightly on the lips, but she had been quite quite sure he had pressed against them just for a moment, and then he had said he would miss her and he would look forward to seeing her at half term.

‘In fact,’ he said, ‘I’ll come and pick you up, if I can, with your mum. So I see you as soon as possible. Would you like that?’

She lived for half term, counting the weeks, the days, the hours; and then the most perfect thing happened, when the day finally arrived and she was looking out of the window for the car, it was his car that pulled into the front of the school, and he got out of it all by himself, looking absolutely marvellous in blue denims and a navy donkey jacket, with his hair even longer, and she rushed down and out to him, and he held out his arms and gave her a huge bear hug and said, ‘Your mum is terribly terribly busy pleating up somebody’s curtains and I offered to come and get you. I hope that’s all right.’ And Roz looked at him radiantly and said yes of course it was all right, it was marvellous and he said she looked even slimmer and she would soon be too tall for him altogether, and she went and got her bag and got in the car beside him, and hoped just everyone in the school was looking.

All the way back in the car the radio was playing, the most marvellously appropriate songs like ‘Let It Be’ and ‘Everything is Beautiful’ and ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’ and Roz sat silent and every so often risked a look at him, and he would grin at her and say ‘All right?’ and she would say ‘Yes, perfectly,’ and much too soon they reached London and Holland Park and her mother came rushing out of the house and said ‘Hello, darling, I do hope you didn’t mind terribly David coming instead of me,’ and Roz said ‘No, of course not,’ and thought with great satisfaction how deeply miserable her mother would be when she realized that her lover had grown tired of her and was in love with her daughter instead.

She didn’t see all that much of him over half term, he was very busy, but she didn’t mind, she had the journey to remember; on the second night her father invited her to supper and to stay the night at Hanover Terrace, with a rather quiet
Camilla, and was very polite and charming to her and told her she was looking terrific, and said he would take her to Marriotts at the weekend for some hunting if she would like that, and Roz had said no, she was sorry, but she and her mother and David had all sorts of plans.

Later, when they thought she had gone to bed, she overheard him and Camilla arguing. She crept out on to the corridor to listen.

‘I’ll tell you what I think,’ Camilla was saying, ‘I think you’re still in love with her.’

‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous,’ her father said. ‘Of course I’m not. I probably never was in love with her.’

‘Then why are you so insanely jealous of David Sassoon?’

‘I’m not.’

‘I think you are.’

‘I just don’t like the way he’s taking over my family. My daughter seems as besotted with him as my wife.’

‘An interesting Freudian slip, Julian. Your ex-wife.’

‘All right, Camilla. My ex-wife.’

There was a short silence. Then: ‘A lot of people in the company are saying they’ll get married. How would you feel about that?’

‘Oh,’ she heard her father say, and the lightness of his tone did not fool Roz in the very least, ‘I’d find a way of putting a stop to it, I expect.’

David did not come to collect Roz from school for the Easter holidays; Julian came instead in his latest acquisition, a dark blue Bentley Continental. Roz tried not to be disappointed and to tell herself how much she would have longed for such a thing only a year ago.

‘Hallo, Daddy. That’s a nice car.’

‘Isn’t it? I knew you’d appreciate it. I’ve come because Mummy’s away for a couple of days –’

‘With David?’

‘No,’ said her father, pushing his hair back, ‘no, not with David. David is doing a little work for a change. Mummy’s in Paris – working, she tells me. She’ll be back the day after tomorrow.’

‘Oh.’

‘So you’re coming home with me. Only, tomorrow I have to go out to a dinner, so you’ll be on your own, I’m afraid. I’m sorry. Mrs Bristow will look after you.’

‘That’s all right.’ She smiled at him.

A plan was forming in her mind.

‘David? Hallo, it’s Roz.’

‘Roz, hallo darling. I didn’t realize you were home.’

She was disappointed.

‘Well, I am. And I’m all alone tonight. Daddy’s out at a dinner.’

‘That makes two of us.’

‘Yes, I know. Well, I wondered if – well if you’d like to take me out to supper.’

There was a moment’s silence. Then: ‘Yes, of course I would. What about Parson’s? You like that, don’t you?’

Parson’s was where the
haut monde
ate spaghetti in the Fulham Road.

She smiled into the telephone. ‘Yes, please.’

She could hardly swallow a thing. David was concerned.

‘Roz, you’re not eating. Aren’t you well?’

‘I’m fine. Just not hungry. Too much school food.’

‘Well, you look terrific on it. Or rather not terrific. Very slim.’

‘Thank you. Could I – could I have some wine?’

‘Of course.’

He filled her glass and watched her drain it almost at once. He shook his head, looking deep into her eyes with his half smile. ‘What would your mother say? Taking you out and getting you drunk?’

‘I don’t suppose she’d care. She doesn’t care about anything I do.’

‘Don’t be silly. She loves you very much.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because she told me.’

Roz was silent.

‘Roz, look at me.’

She looked. She saw his eyes looking at her with great concern and tenderness. Her heart turned over, her tummy felt fluid with excitement and love.

‘Roz,’ he said.

‘Yes?’

‘Roz, you have this crazy idea, don’t you, that nobody cares about you?’

‘Yes, and it’s true.’

‘It’s not, you know. We all do. Your mother. Your father. Me –’

‘You?’

‘Yes, Me.’ He put his hand over hers on the table. ‘You’re very special, you know. A very special person. I’m extremely fond of you.’ He smiled into her eyes.

The room blurred. Roz realized her eyes were full of tears. She swallowed.

‘Darling,’ he said, realizing, ‘darling, don’t cry.’ And he reached out his hand and wiped away her tears, very gently.

‘Oh, David,’ said Roz, terrified of breaking the spell, ‘David, please will you take me home.’

‘Yes,’ he said, puzzled, ‘yes of course I will.’

In the car she didn’t speak; when they got to Hanover Terrace she turned to him. He was looking almost unbearably handsome and sexy; his eyes moved over her face, lingered on her lips. Roz knew this was the moment: that she had to speak: that he would never have the courage to speak, to make the first move when he had no idea of her feelings, when he thought she simply saw him as an older man, her mother’s boyfriend.

‘David,’ she said, and a huge lump of terror rose in her throat; she swallowed hard, ‘David, I – I –’

‘Yes, Roz?’

Words were no good; she had to show him how she felt, give him the opportunity to speak, to show her that he loved her too. She leant forward, put out her arms, kissed him on the mouth, wondering even as she did so if real kissing had to mean putting your tongue in the other person’s mouth or if there was some other way round it; waiting, wondering, every fibre of her alive, excited, tremulous, she felt almost at once that something was wrong. His mouth was dry and still under hers, his arms did not go round her; he drew back in his seat, and when she opened her eyes and looked at him his gaze was fixed on her in horror and alarm.

‘Now, my darling, look,’ he said, in an attempt at lightness,
‘you don’t want to get mixed up with an old man like me. Pick on some lucky fellow your own age.’

‘But David,’ she said, and her voice was almost pleading. ‘David, I love you. And I thought you loved me. You said –’

‘Roz, darling, I’m sorry. I do love you. Do care about you. Very much. But not – not in that way. I’m so sorry. Sorry if you misunderstood. I – I obviously said too much.’

‘Oh,’ she said, and a wave of pain went over her, filling every corner of her with hot, ashamed, shock. ‘Oh, no.’ And then desperate, frantic to save herself and her pride, she managed to smile, to laugh even a tiny forced laugh, and she drew back, groping for the door handle. ‘Well, of course you didn’t. I knew, perfectly well, I was just joking myself. I wouldn’t dream of coming between you and Mummy.’

‘No,’ he said, grasping at this, smiling falsely, foolishly with relief, ‘no, I know you wouldn’t. We’ve been such friends, and we always will be. I hope . . . I do hope.’

‘Of course,’ she said, ‘of course we will. I mean – well, I expect you’ll be marrying Mummy soon, well, I hope so anyway.’

‘Well,’ he said, eager to turn the situation round from its horror, awkward, crass in his anxiety, ‘you could be the very first person to know. Apart from me. I haven’t even asked her yet. What do you think she’ll say?’

And Roz, unable to bear it any longer, jumped out of the car and shouted at him from the pavement, ‘I hope she’ll say no. All right? No, no, no!’