Off Kilter (27 page)

“Not yet. I told him we took a hike scouting locations, but—”

“I interrupted?”

“No’ quite. We’d gotten side-tracked by other news at that point.”

“Did you want to tell him?”

“I think it’s a little like the situation with you. I want his input, his support, Graham’s too, but I don’t want to be made to defend my choices, or even deal with the good-natured ribbing I’ll get. Now that one of our trio is newly wedded, I know it will be a more pointed discussion. I haven’t exactly figured out what to say. Shay and Graham are essentially my brothers, my family, much like Kira is for you. Simply mentioning the hike alerted Shay enough that he’s curious.”

“So … you didn’t want him to know.”

“Word is going to get out if we spend much more time together. In that regard, I wanted to be the one to tell him. But I’d have likely waited until sometime after today.”

“Why?”

“Because my thoughts have been a complete jumble since yesterday. I needed more time to sort things out before talking with them.”

She pulled back slightly. “You’re having second thoughts.” She made it more statement—bordering on accusation—than question.

“I’m processing my thoughts. Big difference. Can you look me in the eye and tell me you’ve been nothing but one hundred percent positive about this since we parted ways yesterday?”

“Of course not, but I’m not the one who was all knowing and all seeing, like you were. You led me into this.”

He could hear the tension—the fear—climb into her tone, could feel her body tense beneath the hands he’d placed on her upper arms to support her when she’d turned to him.

“I’m no’ doubting the want or the desire for you,” he said, sincerely. “Those are real, and they’re no’ going away. But I’m also not viewing this as some kind of fantasy or escape from reality. I want this—us—to exist in the real world, this world. You have every right to be worried about our chances, and I understand that, but that doesnae mean that I’ve no worries of my own. You would be more worried, and rightly so, if I was so blithe as to dismiss your very clearly stated concerns. I’ve listened to you, to everything you’ve said, and I hear your doubts, your fears. What you did yesterday, the leap you took … that humbled me. Deeply. And aye, I began to question if I was worth that leap for you. I dinnae doubt my sincerity or my willingness, but I canno’ be so certain I will be what you need, what you want. I’m risking here, too. You’re not the only one vulnerable in this.”

She leaned away from him slightly at that. “Perhaps we should cut our losses now.”

He pulled her closer. “We’re not running, not hiding. Remember? I’ve no desire for that. I was only tellin’ ye that I’ve been looking at this with a true eye, no’ with my head in the clouds. I don’t run, Tessa. I’m considering, and I’m thoughtful, because that’s the smartest thing for both of us. When I’m with you, I feel certain.”

“But when you’re alone, you question everything.”

“Have you no’? Have ye been more certain alone than you are when you’re like this, in my arms, feeling me, seeing me?”

She searched his face in that disconcerting way she had, as though she was looking through a viewfinder while doing it, then finally shook her head. “No. You’re right. I’m more certain here, with you. I did come to realize, while I was working last night, that talking with Kira, who knows you, might give me insight, or strengthen my conviction to reach for something
for myself. Namely, you. Are you worried, because Graham and Shay don’t know me, that they won’t approve? That you’ll have to defend your choice, as you just said?”

“I can anticipate the conversation I’ll have with them. Their concern will be for my welfare, so they’ll ask tough questions, partly because they want what’s best for me, and partly because they dinnae know ye. I’m trying to find the answers to the questions before I give them that chance.”

“When you’re with me, you have such strong convictions. Can’t you just tell them what you’ve told me? I’m thinking I’m the harder sell and I bought it.”

He sighed. She was defensive. He couldn’t blame her. How had he managed to botch it up already? “I speak from my heart with you, as I likely would with them, and aye, you’re right. Perhaps I should trust that, trust my instincts, trust them.”

“But you think they’ll hear doubt because you’re feeling doubt.”

“It would be unrealistic if I didn’t have a few. Of course I worry. You spent the bulk of the time we’ve been together tellin’ me you can’t do this. But you want to. I want it, too. When you capitulated, when you reached for me, I realized just how badly I wanted you. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a wee bit terrifying. You have to be feeling that, too.

“Graham and Shay will give me support, because they want my happiness, but they’ll also give their honest opinion. It’s no’ a bad thing, thinking things through as if they were already badgering me. It forces me to consider things I otherwise might no’, and do so with more clarity.” Before she could say anything else, he asked, “What about with you and Kira? Weren’t you at least a little relieved when your chance to discuss our little adventure was postponed?”

“Yes,” she confessed, and he felt her tension release, just a little.

He smiled at that. “Good. That’s honest.” He slid his hands up her arms and rested his palms on her shoulders. “I want that, before anything else, from you. I’ll give the same. The
trust we build is the foundation of everything that comes after. Dinnae mistake my doubts or concerns for lack of will, or desire for you. The best way to combat doubt or insecurity, is by figuring it out together, no’ alone, in the privacy of our own thoughts.

“That means being honest with each other, bringing questions to one another, and no’ feeling like the other will turn tail and run because either of us is simply being human. We’ll need to be direct, even if it’s no’ what the other wants to hear. No’ only to help each other, but because we both deserve to know the thoughts of the other. Especially if there are doubts. We’ve certainly had no trouble speaking our minds from the time we first met. I want to know that won’t change between us.”

“I don’t know that I have it in me to be any other way. I’ve never been coy, and I don’t play games. If anything, I’ll be too blunt and you’ll have to remind me to play nice.”

His smile returned as he leaned, pulling her a bit closer. “Sometimes nice is overrated.”

She smiled, too, but it was more a dry curve of the lips. “Yes, but not all of the time.”

“You’ve demonstrated a lot of kindness,” he reminded her.

“Just not to you. Not in the beginning anyway.”

“Beginnings are just that.” He cupped her cheek, toyed with her curls. “Everything after that counts, too.”

She reached up, touched his hand. “You’re impossible and amazing, you know that? You challenge me, annoy me, say the most direct things, but are so thoughtful, I can’t find fault with your logic. When we’re like this, I don’t want to turn away from you, I don’t want to be anywhere but right here. Then, when I’m apart from you, it scares me that I’m going to reach for you again and take such a big chance when I’m feeling anything but secure and strong in my own world. I don’t want you to be a crutch, or a distraction from what I should be focusing on, and I worry about that. But when I’m with you like this, it feels … good. Normal. Healthy. And yet, who am I to judge that?” She laughed a little. “So, I’m humbled, too, and more
than a little terrified that you want to tangle yourself up with me. How can I be sure I won’t hurt you, or make you wish you’d never laid eyes on me?”

“It’s the intent, no’ the outcome. If your heart is in the right place, and you give your best, then what comes of it, even if it’s a disappointment to either of us, is what comes of it.”

She smiled and her aqua blue eyes fairly twinkled.

“What?” he asked. “What did I say to amuse you?”

“Nothing amusing, it was all truth. But do you listen to yourself? Take your own advice? Here you’re telling me to leap and just be pure of heart, yet you say you’re worried about failing me.”

He had to grin at that, albeit sheepishly. “It’s possible you have a point.”

“I do, on occasion.”

“Perhaps it’s good we’re drawn to each other. Spare the rest from having to sort us out and set us straight.”

“Possibly you have a point,” she echoed; then they both laughed.

“Ye’ve a good laugh, Tessa. I like hearing it.”

“It’s a bit rusty. But it definitely feels good.”

“Well then, perhaps I’ll start with that goal in mind. Make ye smile, make ye laugh. Things have to go well if we’re doing that, right?”

“Sounds like an admirable plan. As little as a week ago, I’d have wished you good luck with that. Maybe it’s something about Kinloch, and being on distant shores and away from …” She drifted off and he cupped her cheek more tenderly. She closed her eyes, and pressed her cheek against his palm, then took a breath and continued. “Away from bloodshed and brutality,” she forged on, almost as if testing herself, “and tyranny and war …”

She opened her eyes, and what he saw in the depths moved him, and made him hurt for her. He wanted to move mountains or whatever it took to erase the memories that had put those shadows there.

“I worried that I was hiding,” she said, her voice a bit thicker. “That I was using you as a shield, too. I pushed for sex with you because it’s an easy thing to understand, obvious for what it is. And what it isn’t. But what we’re talking about isn’t any of that. You’re so much more than sex to me. And I’ve been discovering that Kinloch isn’t so much a cave to hide in as a place to actually learn something, and grow. A place to look at things, at life, the world, and its history—both tragic and beautiful—in a new way.”

“Will ye share that with me?” he asked, cupping her face with both hands now.

“I want to, which is stunning, in and of itself. Yes, I want to talk to Kira about us, about you, about making this leap. But I want to talk to you about me. About my world. About … everything. And that’s more than stunning, it’s …” She shook her head, smiling, but clearly a bit overwhelmed.

“It’s okay,” he told her. “I want to know it, I want to hear it all. And, aye, I want to talk with Graham, with Shay, have their support … but, Tessa, I also want to shout it to the world. I feel like I’ve waited for an eternity for you to arrive, and now that you’re finally here I can get started on the important part of my life. Aye, that disconcerts me, but I canno’ describe it any other way. I dinnae claim to know what we’ll do, or how’ll we’ll manage, or if, after some time spent together, we’ll still want to try. Only time can determine that. But I want this to be public, lived out in the open, in the real world. I’m no’ hiding ye. Nor do I want to.” He twined a curl around his finger, liking that she was smiling at what he’d said.

Her expression had softened—warmed—as he spoke. That alone eased some of his concerns.

“I don’t want this to be some furtive, private thing … but I am at a disadvantage,” she said. “You’ll come under the close examination of every person you’ve ever known, but they do know you and love you, and they want to see you happy. I’m the outsider. It’s not like it might have been with Kira, who was
a known quantity and everyone would be cheering you both on from the start, happy for two of their favorite people.”

“I told you, we’re a hospitable lot. Our default position is to welcome and accept people new to our shores.”

“For someone like Katie, yes. But, I’m—”

“She wasnae initially welcomed by all, ye know. There was concern that she wouldn’t honor her commitment to Graham, that it was too odd a thing, too fickle, even by our forgiving standards, for her to have exited one wedding—to a person she’d known her entire life—only to leap, willy-nilly into another, with a complete stranger. And if ye think they’ve a shine for me here, it’s hero worship where Graham MacLeod is concerned. Well earned, I should add, though I’ll deny it if you tell him. Swell his head right up.”

“Right,” she said dryly, “I could tell that was a problem with him straight off. All ego.” They shared a grin, but she went on to say, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that everyone knew her entire story straight off, and I understand, completely, their concerns. But everyone clearly adores her now. I understand that, too. The wedding was like a fairy tale come to life. It’s obvious Katie and Graham are committed to one another. You’d never know they’d met such a short time ago. Almost as if they were fated, or something.”

“Aye, isn’t it then,” he said, and felt a bit of a shiver down his spine. He’d admired and even envied Graham and Katie’s immediate deep bond, even if he hadn’t entirely understood how it could happen so swiftly. He looked at Tessa and thought that now, perhaps, it didn’t seem odd or hard to understand at all. “You’re no’ the first to say it. We did get past our initial skepticism of her quickly, because of their obvious dedication to each other, but don’t discount your own credibility here.”

“My
credibility? What, because I’m Kira’s friend? I doubt that has earned me more than the benefit of the doubt, which is admittedly more of a welcome than I usually get.”

“I was speaking of rescuing us with the calendar contest, then going about sealing your goodwill by taking the wedding
photos. Everyone is quite impressed with your credentials and deeply grateful that you helped so willingly. That you took it seriously, and worked hard to make the photography special for Graham and Katie made them feel special, too. That’s no small thing in the islanders’ eyes.”

“I wish I could say it was all done out of the kindness of my heart, but you, of all people, know that’s not true.

“That you took it on with honest dedication to do it well enough for us to win the contest, and well enough to work out all the angles and shots to make the wedding remembrances so special is testament enough.”

“When I came here, I wanted to take a break from photography of any kind. I can say now, however, that I’m glad I did it.”

He grinned. “It pushed us to cross paths, whereas we might not have otherwise. So, I’m thankful.”

“I meant because it forced me to pick up my cameras, and think about my work and my ability in a way I hadn’t before.” She reached up and pushed his hair from his forehead. “But I’ll agree on your take, too.”