Ocean Pearl (23 page)

Micki and I started up a jog. Soon we fell into a
rhythm – our feet, our breath – pounding and puffing
along a beach that wasn't our home break and yet it
knew our stories. It had heard us confess, laugh, argue,
sob and make empty promises to the stars above.

'Can you believe it's all going to be over tomorrow?'
I said to Micki.

'Yes and no,' Micki replied. 'In some ways Megan
leaving seems like yesterday but then it also feels like
months ago.'

'It's weird when time does that. Like being inside a
barrel can feel like an hour when it's only seconds.'

Like holding the tip of the scissors to your skin,
before you push them into your flesh – in that moment
you feel as though the world has stopped turning.

I sucked the air up.

'What?' Micki said. 'Are you okay?'

'I wanted to cut myself the other day.' Micki's feet
slowed in the sand but I took her hand and kept
running. 'But I didn't.'

'You didn't?'

'No,' I answered. 'It was after you told me about
being the Ocean Pearl girl.'

'Oh, I'm sorry.'

'No! No, it wasn't that. See, I knew about Georgie
and Jules. It was like – like everything was going
wrong. I was about to burst. You know, sometimes it
feels like my body's going to go
bang
and explode into a
million pieces.'

'But you didn't cut yourself, Kia.'

'No.'

'You got through it. That's all that matters. The
secrets and all that, it's not –'

'But we made a pact. Remember? Then Georgie told
me about her and Jules and I – I couldn't deal with the
mess.'

'That was hardly a secret!' Micki said, panting. The
sweat trickled down her forehead and dripped off the
end of her nose. 'I'm not saying I knew but I sussed it
out. It wasn't such a surprise. They were texting each
other the whole time.'

'Why am I so dumb? I never see that stuff.'

'Maybe you do.'

'Really?'

'But maybe you don't want to.'

'Yeah?' I shrugged. 'I just don't know what
happened . . .' I couldn't finish the sentence. My voice
froze midway. I was embarrassed by how pathetic I
was, that was part of it, but mostly I didn't want to hear
the truth. If I listened to the truth and it turned out to
be not what I'd hoped to hear then I'd want to change
it and if I couldn't, I'd freak out. And I was still learning
what do with that feeling.

Micki was right. I shoved things away in the back of
my head 'cause I didn't want to know. But I couldn't
help it. I wasn't like Micki. She didn't live in fantasies
where everything had to be neat and perfect. Maybe
she wanted to. But Micki had to stay in reality or who
would tell her dad what day of the week it was?

'What were you going to say?' Micki asked. 'You
went, "I just don't know what . . ."'

'Yeah.' I sighed. 'I just don't know what happened
to the Starfish Sisters.'

'Maybe they never existed,' Micki replied. 'Maybe
we weren't as great as we thought we were.'

Micki and I slipped into the zone. At last our bodies
and minds had hit that point where the pain goes and
you can keep running and running. The camp was
now a dot way, way down the other end of the beach.

The sun had begun to sink. The harsh winter blue
of the sky was sliding away and the afternoon air
chilled the sweat on our skin.

If you looked hard enough, somewhere in the
shadows of Coolina beach, you could just see two
figures jogging at the top of the sand, their feet and
breath in time with each other.

We did exist. Like this day existed, so did the Starfish
Sisters. And if we could make it through tomorrow,
then perhaps, just perhaps, we could exist again.

Shyan's treasure box needed a sign on it that said 'Enter
with caution. I'll probably make you cry.' Ace, Zena, Kia
and now Georgie were in tears. We'd had heaps of bad
singing in here before but I don't think the rec room had
ever quite heard the sound that was climbing up its
walls this minute – the sound of humans choking with
pressure.

Shyan was moving around the room, touching the
head of each sobbing girl, saying cringy things like
'You're releasing the stress' and 'It's okay to cry.'

Maybe in Shyan's books it was okay but obviously
not in Jake's. If I'd had magic binoculars I reckon I'd
have been able to spot smoke spiralling from his ears. He
was standing up the front with his arms crossed looking
at the girls like they were the biggest bunch of wusses.

Laura looked like she was bored with the dramatics.
She just wanted tomorrow to come. She had her new
acquisition, 'her' Kelly slater cap, pulled over her eyes
and was tapping the floor with one foot. I couldn't take
my eyes off her, not because she was interesting but
because the sight of her, the way she sat slumped in the
chair, was making something nag in my brain.

Family drug group meetings, that's what it was.
Laura reminded me of one of the boys that'd been
there last year. He was probably about fifteen and lived
with his grandparents 'cause his mother was an addict.
His gran was talking about their daughter, his mum,
and she was crying. Then the grandpa started crying
too. The boy just sat there, his cap pulled over his
forehead, one foot bouncing up and down on the spot.

I always tried to be a good girl in those drug
meetings and not cry. But I wasn't sure I knew how to
cry. Not then.

It was different now. I had never cried so much as
these last couple of weeks. But through my tears I had
found lots of answers. Answers to practical stuff like
would Dad be okay without me and what do I bring to
Kia's. But answers to other things too. Things I'd never
been able to wrap my tongue around. Would I find
Miss Micki at camp and who was Miss Micki, that's
what I really wanted to know. Was she a joke, was she
some character I rolled out for camp, or was she real?

Now I had my answer. Miss Micki was real. Miss
Micki was me.

It was possible to have a father like Davo and still be
Miss Micki – to be happy, and have dreams.

As Jake said to me, the only thing Ocean Pearl
wanted was for me to be myself.

How weird is that, the way life changes and you
start to see it through different eyes and in different
ways? Is that what growing up is?

Last January, I had dreaded the final night at camp
more than anything because it had meant it was time to
go back to Dad and my real life. In fact, it was this very
same, final night that Kia found me around the side of
the bungalow, writing in my diary. That's when I'd
told her about my dad. The first time I'd ever shared
my secret.

Tonight, I felt okay about camp finishing. Obviously,
Dad wasn't coming here tomorrow so I couldn't call
out 'Yes!' and wave my hand in the air like everyone
else when Jake asked if we were all looking forward to
seeing our parents.

But I wasn't dreading going home or seeing Dad. I
was trying not to get my hopes up but Dad had
sounded so proud and stoked about me being sponsored
that maybe we'd even have a little celebration. I
was dying to tell him everything that Andy Wallace
had said to me. At home I could finally scream and yell
and bounce around 'cause I was going to be the Ocean
Pearl girl and I didn't have to be anyone else except me!

It was okay if Dad and I didn't celebrate. It was just
something nice to think about.

Whatever happened, I would make sure the time
was special. I had less than a week at home to finish
packing up my bedroom, squeeze in some surfs at my
favourite breaks, say bye to some schoolmates and
Annie, our neighbour, and cook Dad dinner and watch
TV with him like we did on our good nights.

I felt okay about moving to Kia's now. I even felt a
bit excited. Kia had a good way of getting me to see it.
'Just think of yourself like a kid whose parents are
divorced,' she'd told me this afternoon while we
sweated it out on the soft sand. 'You live with one
family in the school term and then in the holidays you
go to your other one.'

I was ready. Nervous but ready. I was almost looking
forward to leaving camp 'cause that'd be like the first
day of my new life.

'How long are you going to be writing?' Kia was being
a bit snappy. ''Cause that lamp is really starting to bug
me, Micki.'

'I'm almost done,' I said, flicking back to where I'd
started 'cause I kept losing track.

Thursday June 25th, 9.35 pm. The last night . . .

Selections tomorrow and just writing those words
makes me feel like vomiting. EVERYONE IS
NERVOUS!!! We still don't know if what Laura told us
is really going to happen or not. Like Georgie said,
maybe it was just one man's opinion that the teams
worked like that. We'll know it all tomorrow.
AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway I
don't care I just wanna make it!!!

As I wrote that the goose bumps prickled my skin all
over again. In a perfect world, as Ace'd say, it'd be
awesome if Kia and I made the team. It'd be super
awkward if we were living together and one of us
made it but the other didn't. We talked about that on
our run this afternoon too. For now, we'd decided to
keep our fingers crossed. And our toes and arms and
legs and eyeballs, Kia had added.

Kia tried to suss Jake out about who'll be surfing with
who but all Jake would say was that we all had to do
our best. He said something like 'You surf for yourselves
tomorrow and then you can surf as a team.'
Kia has been analysing that all night. I think that's
why she's cranky coz she can't figure it out.

In a perfect world, it'd be good if the four of us
made the team. But I'd be okay with the other girls
too. Zena is pretty nice and a good surfer.

Kia was having a bit of a huff and wrestling with her
pillows.

'Are you okay, Kia?' Georgie asked.

'No!' Kia yelped. 'I'm stressing out. I can't get comfortable
and if I don't get a good night's sleep, I'm stuffed.'

'Why don't you listen to your iPod?' Georgie
suggested. 'That's the only thing that's going to get me
to sleep tonight.'

'The battery's flat.' Finally Kia seemed to have her
pillows sorted but now she was turning over from side
to side. Watching her was making me feel seasick.
'Please, Micki? I really need to go to sleep,' Kia moaned.
'Can't you finish your diary tomorrow?'

'Here' – Georgie was out of bed and handing Kia her
iPod – 'you take it.'

'But aren't you going to listen to it?'

'I'll sing to myself. Joke!' Georgie said before Kia had
the chance to object. 'After that surf this afternoon I'll be
asleep in two minutes.'

Suddenly Ace sat up and started fixing the pins in
her hair as though she was about to receive visitors in
hospital. 'I'd like to say something,' she announced,
''cause it's really, really getting up my nose and if I
don't say it now I never will.'

Ace stopped. Maybe she was waiting for Georgie to
do a loud snore and crack us all up. But that wasn't
going to happen. Not anymore.

'When you three found out that I read Micki's diary,
you were all so angry with me. I copped so much from
you guys. But what about Georgie? None of you have
been horrible and ignoring her. Not like you were to
me,' Ace told us. 'And now – now I've got Micki and Kia
pulling me aside and giving me lectures on how I have
to behave 'cause Jake and all of them are watching us.'

'Ace?' Kia put up her hand. 'Ace?'

'Hang on! I haven't finished. How can you even
think that I'd be the one to stuff up our chances? That's
if Laura's got her facts right and we are staying in a
team. I got left behind last time, remember? You all got
selected and I didn't! I sat at home while my hair
started falling out!' Ace needed a second to get her
breath back. Georgie was sitting up in bed hugging
her pillow. Kia had one leg out of the covers like she
wanted to go to Ace but wasn't sure if she'd get her
head bitten off. 'Georgie!' Georgie sat up higher.
'Georgie, I don't care if I have to wake up in the same
room as you for the next three hundred and sixty-five
days, I want to be selected just as much as any of you
do. I am not ever missing out like that again. Okay?'

'Okay.' Kia was the only one to respond to Ace's
random outburst. 'It's good to get it off your chest, Ace.
Is there anything else you'd like to say?'

'No!'

Georgie slid back down the bed and put the pillow
over her face. 'I'm sorry, Ace.' Her muffled voice filled
the sudden silence in the Starfish Bungalow. 'Please
believe me.'

'Look, I'm over Jules,' Ace said and sighed. 'It's you
that hurt me, Georgie.'

'I know and I'm sorry.'

Georgie didn't get out of bed and squeeze in with
Ace like she would've done once.

Kia switched off the lamp and the room went dark
and quiet.

'Hey, guys?' Ace whispered. 'Good luck tomorrow.
Whatever happens, we're the four best surfers here.'

'But do they think that?' Kia asked.

'I don't know,' Ace sighed, 'but I think that.'

The shadow of Ace still sitting up, playing with the
pins in her hair, flickered against the wall. I lay on my
side and watched the silhouette of her face as she
stared out the window and I wondered what Ace was
thinking about.

One by one, parents and families trickled down to the
beach. There were hugs all round. Nothing dramatic,
not like in those airport shows where everyone howls
and sobs and won't let each other go.

Georgie's mum looked nothing like I imagined she
would. Not that I'd ever actually thought about it. But I
just got a surprise, I guess. For a start she was really tall,
like a netballer, and she was really pretty. When
Georgie introduced me it was like seeing Georgie's face
but a grown-up version. It was strange, like I was
getting a glimpse into the future.

Jussie and Steph had already asked me about ten
times if my parents were coming. It didn't bother me –
I mean their dumb questions nor that Dad wasn't
coming. It'd be worse, heaps worse, if I thought Dad
was coming. I'd get my hopes up and then when he
didn't show, which was usually the case, I'd feel like
crap, not just from the disappointment but because I'd
been such an idiot for thinking he would. That wasn't
the stressy bit though. Imagining what he'd look or
smell like was, 'cause I wouldn't have been at home to
remind him to shower and change.

'Micki? Micki?' Ace was tapping me on the shoulder.
'There's someone waving at you.'

The sight of Dad slowly wandering down the beach
sucked the air from my throat. Frantically my eyes
began to scan: Dad's hair was clean and brushed and
he'd actually had a semi-all-right haircut. He was
wearing trainers that looked a size too big but they
were white and clean. He looked okay. No one was
pointing or staring at him.

Dad spotted me and smiled. That was the thing
about my dad, he had the softest, kindest smile. For me
that smile said all the things that he could never say.

Georgie gave me a gentle prod. 'Go on.'

Dad and I hugged each other. His jumper smelt
clean. Not a trace of sweat and stink. If only he could
keep himself like this forever.

'I didn't know you were coming, Dad.'

'Reg picked me up at the station. I wanted to
surprise ya. How are ya, love? I've missed you.'

'I've missed you too, Dad.' I swallowed. 'How are
you?'

'Keepin' out of trouble.'

'Yeah?'

Jake called out on the loudspeaker. 'Okay, girls and
parents, we're starting in two minutes.'

Dad kissed me on the forehead. 'I'm real proud of
you, darl. Reg said not to talk about the "you know
what" too much,' he whispered. 'So we'll talk about
that later, eh, on the train on the way home? Then
maybe we could go and have Chinese tonight?'

'Sounds great, Dad.' I took a deep breath. 'Wish
me luck.'

This was it. Our last chance.

My heart was going mental and my breath couldn't
keep up with its pace. Laura kept jumping and down
on the spot and it was making the butterflies in my guts
feel like they were going to land at my feet.

'There'll be four girls out at a time for a twenty-minute
session. Remember, you're surfing for yourself,'
Jake advised. 'If after the two heats the panel's decision
is not unanimous there'll be a short break and another
twenty-minute session for each group.'

'What about the announcement?' There was a
definite tremor in Ace's voice. 'Will that be in the rec
room? Like – like last time?'

'Don Chambers will make the announcement up at
the board shed,' Jake answered. 'But we're getting
ahead of ourselves. The first four girls are as follows:
Ace, Zena, Steph and Georgie. Go to the check-in desk
and get your rashies. Five minutes till the siren.'

'Psycho combination of girls,' Laura said.

'Let's move away from her,' Kia whispered. 'She's
the only psycho around here.'

The conditions were okay, not great. It was cross
shore, three to four foot, but in most of the sets the
waves were a bit fat, which would make it hard to play
with the wall and do our tricks.

Georgie and Ace were first in with Zena and Steph.
Georgie and Ace were battling each other to the takeoff
zone. Their arms stroked hard and deep and their
feet kicked steadily behind them. I couldn't help
wondering what first prize was: dignity, pride,
revenge, Jules?

The funny bit was that while those two went head
to head in the surf, their mothers stood on the beach
together laughing and chatting.