Nuns and Soldiers (70 page)

‘Hello, Anne. More champers? Where’s your glass?’

‘Thanks, but I have to go.’

‘Oh don’t go. Are you all right? You look a little -’

‘I’ve got a slight migraine, that’s all. I’m going to go home and lie down.’

‘Do you suffer from migraine? So do I. Only I’ve got some marvellous pills -’

‘I must go.’

‘Anne, let me drive you home. You don’t look at all well.’

‘I’m OK. Thank you so much. I think a walk will do me good.’

She got as far as the door.

Gertrude caught her up. ‘Manfred says you’ve got a migraine, don’t go, you must lie down here.’

‘No thanks, my dear. I just need some fresh air.’

‘I wanted to talk to you, only we can’t now. Could you come round for lunch tomorrow? Just us two?’

‘Yes, I’ll come. I’ll be all right tomorrow.’

‘Bless you, dear dear girl. Do you know, you’ve made a conquest ? Ned Openshaw says he’s fallen in love with you! Oh hello, Moses, I’m so glad you managed to get here.’

‘I say, Gertrude, have you heard the news?’

‘What news?’

‘About the new Pope! He’s a
Pole
!’

‘What’s that? The new Pope?’

‘Listen, Moses says the new pope is
Polish
!’

‘It’s not possible!’

‘Quick, quick, tell the Count!’

‘Where’s the Count? The new Pope is a POLE!’

‘Count, Count, listen, the new Pope -’

‘Hooray, the new Pope is Polish!’

‘How absolutely marvellous! Count, have you heard?’

‘Hooray for the Count, the Count for Pope!’

‘A toast to the Count!’

‘Oh just look at his face!’

‘Hooray for Poland, hooray for the Count!’

‘Three cheers -’

‘Were you there when they were singing “For he’s a jolly good fellow”?’

‘Yes,’ said Anne. She had heard the song break out as she was going down the stairs.

‘Peter was just crazed with joy.’

‘Was he?’ said Anne. She was sitting over lunch with Gertrude in the dining-room at Ebury Street.

‘I call him “Peter” now,’ said Gertrude. ‘I’m trying to get used to it. I’ll gradually teach the rest of you to say it. I think it’s time he was Peter to us. I rather wonder whether he ever liked being called “Count”. More cheese?’

‘No thanks.’

‘Anne, you’ve eaten
nothing.
Are you sure that migraine has gone?’

‘Yes thanks.’

‘Manfred says he has some super pills.’

‘I’ve got some super pills too. I’m OK. Thanks.’

‘And you’ve still got that burn on your hand.’

‘No, it’s a different one.’

‘You careless clumsy girl.’

‘I’m all right.’

‘You can’t be if you keep saying so. Funny, you’re wearing that blue and white dress again, the one you wore when you came here from the convent. What a lot has happened since then.’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s marvellous about the new Pope. I’m so pleased. It’s a good omen, it’s a breath of hope. Don’t you think so?’

‘Yes.’

‘Stanley was saying, oh never mind what Stanley was saying. And the Count - he’s a changed man. I’m so delighted that the news came through on just that day, and at the party.’

‘Yes, it was nice. And everybody cheered him.’

‘Yes. Oh I feel so complete. God bless Peter, God bless Poland, God bless Anne. Drink up.’

‘I’m drinking.’

‘You aren’t. Do eat some cheese or a divine Cox’s Orange Pippin.’

‘No, thanks.’

‘I must tell you something about the Count, about Peter.’

‘Yes?’

‘By the way, thank you so much for looking after him for me. He says you gave him a talking to about not despairing. He says you held his hand like a priest.’

‘I didn’t hold his hand.’

‘Well, figuratively. He’s immensely grateful for the holy woman act, it kept him going.’

‘It was no trouble.’

‘We’re both so grateful. I should have done something about him earlier, only -’

‘You were so busy.’

‘Yes, an awful lot has been happening. But I must tell you. I wouldn’t tell this to anyone else, except Tim of course. I felt I couldn’t leave the Count all lonely and sad. Tim agreed we had to draw him in.’

‘Into the family circle.’

‘More than that. You know, well, it’s no secret, everyone knows, Guy knew, the Count is very much in love with me.’

‘Yes, indeed.’

‘I must call him Peter. Peter was, is, very much in love with me. But, in the past, we never talked about it, it was just understood between us.’

‘Quite.’

‘And of course when I was a widow how could he not hope?’

‘How indeed.’

‘And then Tim was there.’

‘And then Tim wasn’t there -’

‘Yes. And I know Peter suffered very much and hoped and suffered and couldn’t bear it any more, and he decided he would go away to Ireland.’

‘To
Ireland
?’ said Anne. ‘He never told me that.’

‘He’s very secretive. He hardly ever talks to anyone. He told me he was going to go to Belfast and he hoped he might be killed by a terrorist!’

‘He told you - ?’

‘Yes, after the party, of course he’d changed his mind by then! Anyway I couldn’t just let him drift off. Where could he go, to
whom
could he go, that would make any sense for him? I, and
we,
are his people. Only he was so hurt and so proud and so silent and so
Polish.
I think he really wanted to go away and pine away and die. And I couldn’t let him do that, could I?’

‘No.’

‘He’s a strange man, ridiculously hard to communicate with. You know how one can be close to someone yet not, perhaps never, get the knack of direct communication -’

‘Yes.’

‘I might not have been able to get through to him without his having first broken down the barrier.’

‘And did he?’

‘Yes, in France. You know, when you were feeling so rotten I saw quite a lot of Peter alone - and one evening he held my hand for a moment - what an achievement that was! And he sort of murmured that he loved me. It was only an isolated moment, but it changed things.’

‘As you said once, you can change the world in four seconds.’

‘Yes. He thought that that moment was nullified by what happened after, but it wasn’t. It made a sort of opening through which I could talk to him.’

‘Through which you could beckon him and draw him.’

‘Yes. Well, I probably could have done it anyway, it just needed time for me to think about it.’

‘So now?’

‘Now - well, did you see him last night? Even before the Polish Pope news! His cup is full and running over. I have told him that I care for him, I love him and he doesn’t have to stop loving me. He is perfectly happy.’

‘Isn’t that splendid. And you think it will last?’

‘Yes, I think I can
guarantee
that.’

‘Tim won’t be uneasy?’

‘No, of course not. That’s what makes it all possible. Tim and me-I can hardly explain, it’s so
deep
- and it’s been tested enough as you know. I could only have married Tim-I could never have married Peter-I see that now. Tim knows he’s absolutely secure, and he rather loves Peter on his own account. Peter was always very kind to Tim in the old days.’

‘So everyone should be able to be happy, under your guarantee. ’

‘I don’t see why not! When one is secure in marriage one is free to love people and be loved by them. I’m much less buttoned up about that than I used to be, much more free, in a way Tim has helped me to be emotionally more free.’

‘And you thought why shouldn’t you have Peter too.’

‘Yes. Not loving Peter and his being so unhappy was the only flaw in my happiness, and I thought why ever shouldn’t I be completely happy and make him happy. And I do care about what he thinks -’

‘What he thinks about you?’

‘Yes, and -’

‘You didn’t want his mind to get away, I can understand that. In the end he might have judged you.’

‘I don’t think he would ever have recovered enough to do that!’

‘Even if he had gone right away -’

‘I had to save him from despair, to hold him, to rescue him. Why should he be miserable when I can so easily make him happy just by
attending
to him? Unhappiness is stupid. He’s an intelligent man -’

‘He’s heroic,’ said Anne.

‘Heroic?’

‘To be content with little.’

‘You call it little to be loved by ME?’

‘Oh Gertrude, I adore you!’ said Anne, and she laughed in spite of herself.

‘He wants to go on loving. Loving is an activity, you know, it’s like an employment. He will be happy in his love if he knows that I know of it and value it.’

‘I understand.’

‘So - well, you saw. I’ve got the Count forever. He promised he wouldn’t go away. He swore it by the precious lifeblood of Poland.’

‘By
what
?’

‘By the precious lifeblood of Poland. Isn’t he a perfect romantic ?’

‘Whatever would Guy think of it all!’ said Anne. This was unkind, but she needed the distraction from her own pain.

Gertrude was able to deal with this. ‘You think it odd that I can talk of happiness when I’ve lost Guy -’

‘I wasn’t suggesting -’

‘It is odd. Do you think my grief for Guy isn’t still there? It is there, it lives, it moves. But the human mind is so large. It coexists. ’

‘I know.’

‘All right, I said not having Peter was the only flaw. I meant, among things that could be different. In most lives, perhaps in any life, there are terrible things which cannot be different, and which the mind stores and deals with in the process of surviving. You don’t have to remind me.’

‘I’m sorry, I -’

‘No, no - and as for what he would think, I’ve been wondering myself. He would understand about the Count. Though, with Guy it couldn’t have happened like that. Guy would have felt it was - bad form.’

‘Yes, I can imagine.’

‘And with Guy alive the Count was OK, he could manage.’

‘Yes -’

‘As for Tim, of course Guy would be astounded! But in a way, the question what would Guy think is empty. It’s another world now. If Guy had lived I would never have loved anyone else, never have looked at another man. Guy made me the person I was and still am. But I’ve changed too. In order to survive a terrible loss one has to become another person. It may seem cruel. Survival itself is cruel, it means leading one’s thoughts away from the one who is gone.’

‘Yes.’

‘I didn’t plan Tim. I didn’t expect or want any such thing. But it has happened. And one must live joy, as one lives grief, if it comes.’

‘Yes.’

‘Hey, hey, the white swan - did I ask you about the white swan?’

‘Yes.’

‘All the mystery of Guy is gone, his particular greatness and sweetness, his being can’t be questioned any more. And “she sold the ring” -’

‘Was that something he used to say?’

‘Yes, there were these funny things he used to say, like charms, like the cube, and “she sold the ring”, or “she oughtn’t to have sold the ring”.’

‘That’s Jessica of course,’ said Anne. ‘In
The Merchant of Venice.
She sold the ring which her mother gave to her father.’

‘Good heavens you’re right. Why didn’t I think of that? Guy often said he identified with Shylock. I do wish you’d met Guy.’

‘I had that one talk with him.’

‘Yes, I remember. Well, how strange and inexplicable and terrible life is.’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh Anne, I’m glad you’re here. Your coming to me like that when Guy was ill was so wonderful, so heaven-sent. You’ve helped me through everything, you’ve made it possible for me to recover. You’ve made me able to marry Tim and to hold onto Peter - you’ve done it all really!’

‘I’m glad.’

‘I thought I would never be happy again, never even
want
happiness again. You did it all.’

‘I didn’t, but thanks.’

‘And now here we are. Oh I’m so pleased about the Count, about Peter. It sort of completes the picture. I couldn’t have let him stray away and be lost in the void.’

‘Of course not.’

‘It’s like a sheepfold with the sheep gathered in.’

‘Or a playpen with the children in it.’

‘Yes! I’m childless, so everyone is my child. I’ve realized it’s so simple to love everyone and be loved by them.’

‘Good.’

‘And now what about you, I’m not at all up-to-date. You know, since - since France - I’ve been living in a sort of over-life-sized world. Everything has been amazing. But I’ll calm down. We’ll calm down. Tell me how you’ve been getting on.’

‘Oh fine.’

‘What about jobs?’

‘No luck.’

‘Do you
want
a job? You know, darling, there’s an awful lot of money. You won’t ever worry about money, will you? What would you
like
to do? I feel so benevolent, I want to give everybody exactly what they want! Well, not everybody, but certainly you. You
must
have what you want, and I will
get
it for you.’

‘Oh I must have a job.’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Let’s think what we can do -’

‘I’m going away, actually,’ said Anne.

‘Oh? Where to?’

‘To America.’

‘To America? How long for?’

‘Forever.’

‘Don’t be silly, Anne.’

‘I’m going to live and work over there. I know some people who will find me a job of some sort.’

‘Anne, what
is
this? What job, where, I won’t let you!’

‘In Chicago, there’s a community of Poor Clares -’