Nothing Matters (Family Matters Book 1) (27 page)

I actually had a good few weeks at school, but I use the term good lightly, only to describe that I went on a daily basis.  It was probably helped by the fact that the weather had been bad too, a lot of wind which wasn't conducive to good surf conditions.  Funny that I'd prefer to stay in class than get swept away on the waves.

It was a Sunday when I went up the coast to Malibu, the conditions were supposed to be excellent, so I had even packed some snacks in case I made a day of it.  There were a lot of surfers and that was okay.  Some days I preferred to be on my own, other days I didn't mind being amongst a lot of others.  There was no rhyme or reason to my feelings. 

I didn't get home till after four, and I thought Cassian might have been home but his car wasn't  there, so I just made myself a sandwich and lay on the sofa.  I must have dozed off, because the next thing I was hearing frantic knocking on the door, and upon opening it, Jakey and Raff pushed through, both of them talking at once, How is he?  Where is he?  How's his face?

I had no idea what they were talking about, but they went straight towards Cassian's room, so I followed.  Cash was just sitting up, as if he'd been asleep.  My eyes widened at seeing his face.  His left eye was swollen and bruised, closed over.  I wondered how long he'd been in his room, how Jakey and Raff knew he was there, where his car was.

"What's going on?" I demanded, "what's happening?  What happened?"  I may as well have been talking to a brick wall; no one was taking any notice of me.  I sat on the bed next to him, getting a closer look at his face, it wasn't pretty.  Jakey was laughing, swearing, then talking about Paola.

I couldn't follow the conversation, couldn't make any sense of it, couldn't connect the dots.  Paola, his old boss from Assisi, her fiancée, a fight, being caught, screwing, fucking.  I needed some clarification about Paola.

"You mean you were seeing her?  Like a girlfriend?"  But, I was thinking, wasn't she in her twenties, like well into her twenties?

"His lover," Jakey offered.

"Yes," he revealed.  "We...we...were together for awhile, but then broke up.  She met someone else."

"Someone her own age," Jakey laughed.

"Fuck, Jakey!" Cash shouted.  "Just let me finish, for fuck sake."  He glared at him, then looked at me.  "I love her, like love her so much, but she said it would never work."  He looked at me with such sincerity that I wondered if I was meant to feel sorry for him.

"So, you were seeing her for like how long?  Since you started working there?" I couldn't visualize it, him and his boss.  She was a beautiful woman, very stylish, very confident.  What did she see in Cash?  He was just a high school kid, a waiter.

"Yes, a year I guess."  I wondered how I hadn't known this.  What had happened to the girl from the tennis squad?

"And you never thought to tell me?"  I felt a pang of sadness, and a twinge of anger, wondering why he'd never confided in me.

"It's not that I didn't want to tell you Magdala," he said, "it's just that it was so complicated.  Only Jakey knew."

I glanced at Jakey, who said he'd been sworn to secrecy.

"Was she the one you came back from Hawaii for?  Is that why you left early?"  I recalled back to summer, how he'd ended up going home because he said he had to start work.  He nodded.  But he hadn't started work, he'd gone away with her, up to Carmel. "And now what?” I asked, "You just started seeing her again?  You're having an affair with an engaged woman?"  My voice was now accusing, scathing of him.

"I didn't know she was engaged!" he exclaimed as if none of this was his fault.

And her fiancée caught you?  Like physically caught you?"  It was sounding like a movie script, a bad movie script.

"Yeah, were you like in the middle of it or what?  And where were you?"  Jakey was riling him up with his questions, that I could tell. 

Cassian's composure broke. His voice became sarcastic. "We were in her fucking office," he said loudly, his eyes on Jakey.  "I'd already fucked her against the wall.  She was on the desk," he said, "her legs were spread, I was squatting down, my mouth was on her...You got the fucking picture?" he said viciously.  "And in he walked."

Jakey and Raff laughed, laughed as if this behavior was acceptable, as if talking like this was all right, allowable.  I felt something inside me snap, break, talking about sex like this, as if it was a game, an act, something to be boasting about.  I got off the bed.

"You fucking disgust me," I said, stunned by his attitude.  "I don't even know you Cassian Strauss."  I stared at him, unable to grasp that my brother, my own brother was involved in this type of behavior, would talk about a woman so demeaningly.

"Magdala?"  he stuttered, his control, his usually masterful control gone,  "Magdala, I didn't mean it like..."

But I had no tolerance for him now, absolutely none.  "Get out of here Cash.  I don't want you living here.  You're disgusting."

"Magdala," he pleaded, "it's not like that.  I love Paola, I love her."  But I believed none of it.  If you loved someone you wouldn't speak about them like that.  You wouldn't describe your relationship the way he had, with complete lack of respect, speaking about her as if she were an object, treating her without any dignity.

"Just get out of here," I moved towards him, now pointing my finger.  "You're a liar, you're a cheat, and I don't even know you anymore.  Just get out of my house."  I felt myself about to cry,  Jakey tried to restrain me. 

"Magdala," he said, "hey," but I shrugged out of his hold. 

"The whole lot of you," I shouted, looking at them all, "you all think this is a laugh.  You think this is funny."  My tears were unstoppable.  "But you -"  And I grabbed Cassian's shirt, pulled it, I so wanted to hit him, to pummel him.  "You, my brother, my big brother."  I was looking at him, but it was like looking at a stranger, someone I didn't recognize.  "I don't know you.  I don't even fucking know you.  You're despicable...you're -"  He put his arm on my shoulder, but the thought of him even touching me was repugnant.  I shrugged it off forcefully.  "I mean it."  My voice was shrill, shaky, obscenities flowing.  "I want you fucking gone.  Go fucking home."  And I stared at him, into his one open eye, the boy everyone said had beautiful eyes, striking eyes, but all I saw was ugliness, and the beginnings of tears.  The boy who never cried, who didn't like to show weakness, who liked to think he was always in control, the boy who had been my hero, my protector, my world.

I suddenly realized I didn't know him at all.

I woke up the next morning with no intention of going to school.  Jakey, who had slept on the sofa, was eating breakfast, saying he had an early class.  I told him I was fine, that he could go, I promised I wasn't going to do anything stupid. 

Dad rang me.  "How are you doing princess?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"Are you going to school?"

"I don't feel that great," I then said.

"Magdala," he growled.

"I need to surf Dad," I said, having already checked that the conditions were good again today.  "I need to clear my head."

"Let me meet you then," he said.  So I told him where I was going, and he phoned the school.  Cassian texted me:  hey, how r u, I'm sorry, so sorry, don't hate me. I ignored it, deleted it.  I wanted nothing to do with him.

Dad was already in the water when I turned up.  He said he had an appointment a little later, so he would just hang around for an hour or so.  He said Cash hadn't slept very well last night and had a bad headache.  I didn't make any comment.

"Magdala," Dad said.  "He feels bad, like real bad about what's happened."

I paddled a bit further out, pretending to be scanning the horizon.  "You two never fight," he said, "and I don't like you being like this."

"You knew?" Though I figured that he had known.  None of this seemed to be that shocking to him.

"Yes, I found out," he said, "but only when he came back from Hawaii."

"And you knew they had broken up?" I probed.

"Yes, I knew."

"And you think it's all right that he's sleeping with her, even though she's engaged to someone else?"  I could see some waves approaching.

"No, of course not," he said.  "I can't condone that."

I looked towards the wave, preparing myself.  "I don't know who he is Dad," I said, rising on my board, making the ride, then paddling back towards him.

"He's your brother," Dad said, when I returned, "and you know he loves you more than anything."             

My brother.  Who had always played with me, who had always tidied up after me, who had made my bed every morning, who had packed my lunch and carried my surfboard.  Who had gone with me to my mother's house, who had made me hit tennis balls with him all afternoon, who had sat and listened to me practice the piano, who finished my meals if I couldn't, who ironed and folded my clothes. 

My brother.  Who never criticized my love life or relationships.  Who had cried when I was raped.  Who had rejoiced when I was pregnant, who had helped deliver my daughter.  Who had been my rock when we buried her. 

My brother, who had no mother of his own, who never talked about his own feelings, never shared his thoughts or dreams, never had any dramas.

I didn't reply.  I paddled out further.  Paddled, searching the horizon.  That's all I wanted to think about, paddling and waves.  I didn't want to think about Cassian and his web of deception, his contradictory life, didn't want to deal with it.

He texted me all throughout the day, but I never read them.  He rang me, but I ignored the calls.  Jakey came back with a bag of clothes and I changed the sheets on Cassian's bed so he could sleep there, even though I said I was fine on my own.  Raff came over and ate dinner with us.

Jakey went surfing with me the next morning, he said his first class wasn't until eleven.  Antonia brought the kids around when they finished school and we all went out to a cafe for coffee and cake.  Damon told me Cassian's face was purple.  Again he'd been texting me all day, but still I ignored him.

By the end of the week I felt shattered, like the resentment was using up all my energy.  I felt weak, drained, like I'd lost another part of myself.  And then that morning my mother phoned me, just to say hello, thought she'd catch me before I went to school, see how things were going.  I said I was tired, weary.  She suggested I come and stay for a few days, or a week.  She said they'd be no harm in missing a week of school, she had no idea how infrequently I attended.  Maybe I needed a change of scenery, some fresh island air.  I didn't hesitate, I said okay.  She said she'd make a booking and email me through the details.  I said the sooner the better.

Her email came through shortly after, a 5.05pm flight.  I rang Jakey, who had already left for an early class, asking him if he could give me a ride that afternoon, at about one or two.  He said he could.  I packed my backpack, just a small one, some shorts, t-shirts, wetsuit, one dress, Cassidy's photo album and her little cuddly dog, Sloupy.  He was given to her by Flynn's brother, Sam and he was small enough to fit in one of the outer pockets.  I wiped down my surfboard and packed it in its cover.

"You're going to Honolulu?" Jakey asked, shocked, as he carried my board to the car.  I told him how my mother had rung and booked me the ticket that morning.

"Have you said goodbye?  To Trey or Antonia?" he asked.

"I'm just going for the weekend," I said.  "Or a week."

"You talked to Cash yet?" he asked.

I shook my head.  He still hadn't gotten the message, and was still sending me texts and trying to call me everyday.

"How long are you going to keep this up?" Jakey asked.  "He's a mess, you know." I shrugged.  "He was back at school yesterday," he said, "though his eye is still technicolor."  I showed no interest.  "He loves you Magdala," he said, and I thought it peculiar that he was now defending him, "he misses you."

I missed him too, but I wasn't going to say it.  "Just drop me in the drop off lane," I told him, "you don't need to park."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

He pulled up, quickly jumped out and he took my board out for me.  "Ring me when you book your flight back," he said, and I nodded.  We hugged and he said, "Love you baby girl.   Have a safe trip."

"Love you too," I said, kissing his cheek before I pulled away.  "See you," and I waved as he drove off.  And with my bag on my back and my surfboard under my arm I headed for departures.  I had  plenty of time up my sleeve so  I sat and pulled out my phone, ringing Dad.

"Hey," I said, "I'm just on my way to Honolulu."  But he already knew.  Jakey had just phoned him.

"You're not running away?" Dad asked.

"Mom sent the ticket," I said, "she said I might need a change of scenery.  And hopefully I can get some big waves."

"Okay, enjoy yourself.  When will you be back?"

"Probably next week," I said, "I only have clothes for a week.  I'll get Mom to book a ticket."

"Take care then, love you princess."

"Love you too, give big hugs to Damon and Dominique."

"I will," he said.