Not Planning on You (29 page)

As she sat on the couch with a box of Kleenex in her hands, she discovered something strange. No matter how much she wanted or needed to, she couldn’t make one single tear fall. She was quite simply numb. She’d stared at the walls for hours when she heard her phone ringing.
Pulling it from the front of her purse, she saw Gray’s name on the caller id.
She dropped the phone as if it were a snake. My God why now, why couldn’t he just quietly go away so she wouldn’t have to hear the voice that she loved so much while she was this raw.

After the fifth phone call in about that many minutes, Suzy had finally had enough. What the hell? Was he trying to torture her now? Maybe it was time to go ahead and rip the Band-Aid off quickly and get it over with. With a deep breath, Suzy finally took his next call.

She answered the phone with a simple, “Gray?”

Some part of her was happy to hear his shaky breath on the other end of the line. At least she knew that he was suffering as much as she was. “Baby, I don’t even know what to say. I missed your birthday and didn’t even call to let you know why. I…I just feel like shit over it.”

Suzy kept her voice steady and cool, refusing to let him know how much he’d hurt her. Smoke and mirrors, it was her only defense right now. “
It’s
fine, Gray, Nick told me about the accident. I’m sure you had more pressing things to worry about than me.”

“I was worried about
Reva
and the baby, yes, but it’s no excuse. By the time things calmed down at the hospital and I knew everything was ok, it was already so late. I’m so sorry. I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to work up the nerve to call you. I let you down and that’s something I swore I’d never do.”

“Gray, just stop please. You and I both know that we can’t go on pretending that things are going to be fine between us because they aren’t. This is just the first of many things that will come up. Maybe a better person could handle always coming last in your life, but I’m not that person.”

“Suzy, I love you!”

She could feel the tears that she’s been unable to shed earlier start to clog her throat, fighting for release. “I love you, too, but it’s not enough. I have to love you enough to let you go Gray. If I stay with you, it will keep tearing both of us apart. I can’t fault you for wanting to be part of your baby’s life. You wouldn’t be the man I love if you didn’t.”

Unable to hold back any longer, she sobbed, “Please love me enough to let me go too, Gray.”

She could hear the tears in Gray’s voice as he said, “My God Suzy, I don’t know if I can, you’re my heart, my life.”

“Gray,” she gasped out, “please, I can’t hurt like this anymore. If you love me, don’t call me again.” She ended the call before he could reply and the sobs erupted from her throat with such intensity that it was hard to breathe. She curled up into a ball as her world crashed around her. She knew in her heart that she’d never love again. If and when she ever got involved, no part of her heart would ever belong to another. Gray owned it until the day she died, of that she was certain.

Monday morning at work found everyone walking around her on eggshells. Claire had already been down to check on her, Ella had dropped by to bring her coffee and hovered like a mother hen, Beth had been eyeing her all morning looking for signs of a break-down and even Jason had been by for small talk. When Nick stuck his head in her office, she blew out a disgusted breath. “Oh geez, do you all think I’m on suicide watch or something? Who’s coming by next to make sure Suzy hasn’t gone off the deep end?”

One thing you had to love about Nick, he wasn’t easily offended. He threw back his head and laughed. “Sorry about that, everyone is just worried about you. Don’t be surprised if Beth hides your letter opener or if your scissors have disappeared. All kidding aside, how’re you holding up kid?”

Suzy had buried the hurt so far inside of her that she was able to keep her expression blank at the obvious concern in Nick’s voice. “I’m fine, really. It’s nice of you all to worry about me, but there is no need. Gray and I were only together for a short time so it’s not as if we were married or anything.”

“Just so you know, I don’t believe a word you’re saying, but I’ll let it be. Do you want to grab a bite to eat after work today or maybe a drink?”

“Thanks Nick, but I’ve got some errands to run this evening.
Rain check?”

“Sure, sounds good.” Rising from the chair, Nick looked back at her one last time as if assessing her mood and left.

Just hold it together. Soon they will all tire of asking how you are and leave you alone. Until then, keep your happy face on and don’t let any of them know how close to the edge you are.

 

 

 

 

 

If he didn’t know the route by heart, Gray would probably have never made it. He hadn’t slept in days and was barely hanging on. He parked his car and walked wearily to the front door, fumbling for his key. He was instantly soothed at the familiar sight of his childhood home. His mother walked out of the kitchen and handed him a whisk. “I thought I’d be seeing you soon. I have everything set up waiting, so come on in.”

 

Gray didn’t need to ask her what she was talking about. Every major problem in his life had been solved with his mother in the kitchen. He’d a feeling that baking a cake couldn’t fix this problem but the routine was a balm to his soul.

 

True to her word, the kitchen island contained bowls, a mixer and all of the ingredients to make something he could make in his sleep, red velvet cake. It had been a household favorite growing up and he’d grieved lost pets, lost loves, lost games and almost every change of life standing at that very island with a whisk in his hand.

 

His mother seated herself on a barstool on the other side, while he put on the apron she had left out. As he started measuring out his ingredients and then sifting them together, his mother said quietly, “I’m worried about you, baby boy.”

 

Looking up at the first woman to claim his heart, he snorted, “I believe Nick is the baby boy in this family, Mom.”

 

“Gray, you’re my first born and Nicky might be the youngest, but you will both always be my babies. No matter how old you are, how big your job is or how big your troubles are for that matter, it will never change that. “

 

Their conversation was temporarily interrupted as he turned on the mixer to combine his dry and wet ingredients. All too soon he had his cake batter divided into his cake pans and was placing them in the oven. After he’d cleaned up the island and placed everything in the dishwasher, he came around and pulled out a stool next to his mother. Even though he knew it wouldn’t solve anything, he needed this familiar routine as much as he needed to breathe.

 

Gray stared straight ahead as he said, “So I’ve really fucked this up haven’t I?”

 

“Gray! You know I’m far from a prude, but do we have to use the F-word before lunch-time?”

 

Gray snickered at his mother’s expression. “Oh, come on, Mom, Dad said you rolled it about at least five times when the dry cleaner ruined your leather jacket last month.”

 

With her best innocent expression, she said, “Your father’s getting senile, Gray, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

 

God it felt good to laugh again. When the world seemed impossible, his mother always had a way to push the clouds away even if only for a moment. Reaching over to him, she ran her fingers through his hair just as she’d done countless times before. “Grayson, you were always my serious one. I never had to worry about you getting into too much trouble because you always had a very real sense of right and wrong. Nick could shrug off anything back then, but you wanted to right every injustice even in elementary school. It breaks my heart to see you like this and not be able to help you.”

 

“No waving the mother magic wand and fixing everything for me, huh?”

 

“Oh honey, if only I could. I know you love Suzy and I know you’re tied in knots over
Reva
and the baby. The only piece of advice that I can give you is to be patient. When this baby is born have a paternity test. Do not let
Reva
talk you out of it. If the baby is yours, then do what feels right to you.”

 

Gray rubbed his face with his hand, exhaustion plain in every movement he made. “Suzy will be gone, though, Mom. Hell she’s gone now and I can’t even blame her. I’ve been so shell shocked that I’ve made a bad situation even worse. I can’t ask her to stay knowing that she needs to go. I don’t want a life with
Reva
and she probably doesn’t even want one with me. She’s in panic mode right now and I’ve got a feeling that her parents are pushing all of her buttons. I can’t ask Suzy to be stuck in the middle like that. She deserves so much better. In the end, I’ve turned out to be no better than the last guy who broke her heart.”

 

“Son, you didn’t go out and see
Reva
behind her back. You and Suzy were not a couple when you slept with her. Sure you both have to endure the fall-out now, but you weren’t unfaithful to Suzy. Give yourself a break and give Suzy some time. When you love someone that much, you often find a way back to each other, even if it takes time. I can’t see you two being able to be apart forever. Even if this is your baby, things will settle down eventually and you’ll be clearer. You’re flying on pure emotion right now, which makes it hard to see the big picture. You’ve never been a quitter Grayson, so don’t start waving the white flag now, ok?”

 

Gray smiled at his mother and said, “Wow, you’re pretty smart for a girl. I bet Dad doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going most of the time.”

 

“Hey you better watch that smart mouth.” Then with a feline smile, she admitted, “Honey your dad hasn’t known whether to wind his butt or scratch his watch since the moment he met me and he wouldn’t have it any other way. I have a feeling you and Suzy would be the same way.”

 

Gray threw back his head and laughed. Oh, how he loved his mother, and she was right. Life with Suzy would never be boring. He’d never know what was coming with her, and like his father, he’d love it. Maybe his mother was right, he’d pull back and give Suzy some time and also try to find some workable solution between himself and
Reva
. He wasn’t ready to give up yet and he never would be.

 

 

 

 

 

Suzy had caved to pressure from her friends and she was sitting in a Mexican restaurant with Beth, Claire, Ella and Nick. It had been two weeks since she’d last spoken to Gray and time hadn’t dulled the grief she was suffering. She went to a great deal of trouble to put on a good front, but she was barely surviving most days. How she could let a man bring her to this? Jeff had been a walk in the park compared to the pain that coursed through her body when she thought of Gray.

 

Everyone was still worried about her, she knew that. Her clothes hung on her now, the thought of food made her want to gag. She pushed an enchilada around on her plate trying to give the illusion that she was eating.
 
Everyone said it would take time, well how much exactly? When was it going to get easier to get up in the mornings? When would her heart stop physically hurting? When would she stop trembling on the street when she saw someone who looked like him?

 

Just looking across the table at Nick made her physically hurt. He looked so much like his brother. She knew it wasn’t fair to him, but she avoided him as much as she could. He’d asked her to lunch and dinner several times, but she always found some excuse not to go. She cared so much about him, but right now he was just a painful reminder of the brother that she couldn’t have.

 

She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over into Claire’s sympathetic eyes. “Hey, girlfriend, you zoned out on me there for a minute.”

 

Suzy put on her best carefree smile and joked, “Just appreciating that fine specimen of man at the bar.”

 

Claire looked to where she was pointing at a cute blond surfer type. “Oh
Suz
, please, he probably begins every sentence with “dude.”

 

“Dude, what’s wrong with that?”

 

Claire’s entire stomach jiggled as she laughed. “Hey how much longer before that oven timer goes off?”

 

Laying her hand on her stomach affectionately, Claire said, “A little over a month if I make it that long.”

 

Nick, apparently hearing her comment, raised his hand saying, “Please no talk of your hemorrhoids again.”

 

“Oh come on Nick,” Claire teased, “just think about how far ahead of the game you will be when you finally marry and your wife gets pregnant. You won’t even need to buy ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting,’ you’ll already know it all.”

 

Nick visibly shuddered. “God woman, can you please not jinx me over there. I have no desire for a kid or to know about all you girls’ weird bodily functions. Now on to something I do know something about, who wants another margarita?”