none (45 page)

Shock treatment, he realized. Soothing was effective in hysteria. So was a good hard slap. When he gotup to wash and dress he felt gratifyingly solid, real to himself again. He thought, soberly, that it was not sobad, after all. This time, when Andrew received a shock to one of his ingrained taboos, he didn’t runaway or try to shake loose. He knew he’d hurt Damon, and accepted it.

They both lingered a moment in the outer room of the suite when the women had dressed and gone.

Andrew glanced at Damon with constraint, wondering if Damon was still angry with him.

“Not angry,” Damon said aloud. “I should have expected it. You have always been afraid of male sexuality, haven’t you? That first night, when you and Callista went into rapport with Ellemir and me, I sensed that. There was so much else to worry about that night, I’d forgotten, but when we touched by accident, in the link, you panicked.” He felt again Andrew’s tentative response, his troubled withdrawal. “Is it culturally necessary to regard all male sexuality except your own as a threat?”

“Not afraid,” said Andrew, with a glint of anger, “repelled when it’s directed at me.”

Damon shrugged. “Humans are not herd animals who regard every other male as a rival or a threat. Is itimpossible for you to take pleasure in male sexuality?”

Andrew said, with distaste, “Hell, yes. Do
 
you
 
?”

“Of course,” Damon said, bewildered. “I cherish the… the awareness of your maleness as I cherish the femininity of the women. Is that so hard to understand? It makes me more aware of my own… own manhood—” He broke off with an uneasy laugh. “How can we get into a tangle like this? Even telepathy is no good, there are no mental images to go with the words.” He added, more gently, “I’m not a lover of men, Andrew. But I find it hard to understand that kind of… fear.”

Andrew muttered, not looking at him, “I guess it doesn’t matter all that much. Not here.”

Damon felt dismay that something so simple to him should cause such enormous self-doubt, real fear, inhis friend. He said, troubled, “No, but Andrew, we’re married to twin sisters. We will probably spend alot of our lives together. Am I always going to have to fear that a moment of… of affection will alienateyou, upset you to the point where all of us, even the women, are hurt by it? Are you always going to fear

Page 170

that I will… will overstep some invisible boundary, try to force something on you which… which repels

you like this? How long”—his voice broke—“how long are you going to be on guard against me?”

Andrew felt intense discomfort. He wished he were a thousand miles away, that he need not stand likethis, exposed to Damon’s intensity, his closeness. He had never realized what it was to be a telepath andpart of a group like this, where there was no way to hide. Every time they tried to hide from each otherthey got into trouble. They had to face things. Abruptly he raised his head and looked straight at Damon. He said in a low voice, “Look, you’re my friend. Anything you want is… is always going to be okay withme, I’ll try not to… get so upset about things. I”—not even their hands touched, but it felt somehow as ifhe and Damon were close together, embracing like brothers—“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I wouldn’thurt you for the world, Damon, and if you don’t know it, you ought to.”

Damon looked up at him, tremendously touched and moved, sensing the enormous courage it had takenfor Andrew to say this. An outsider; and he had come so far. Knowing that Andrew had gone more thanhalfway to heal the rift he had made, he touched him lightly on the wrist, the feather-touch telepaths usedamong themselves to intensify closeness. He said, very gently, “And I’ll try and remember that this is stillstrange to you. You are so much one of us now that I forget to make allowances. And now enough ofthat. There is work to be done. I must look everywhere in the archives of Armida to find if there is anyrecord of the old Year’s End festival before the Ages of Chaos and the burning of Neskaya. Failing that, I must look in the records of all the other Towers, and some of that must be done through the telepathrelays. I cannot travel to Arilinn and to Neskaya and to ‘Dalereuth, but truly, I think now that we willsome day have the answer.”

He began to tell Andrew about it. He still felt weary and depressed, the residual fatigue from the longoverworld journey overwhelming him with the inevitable reaction. He told himself that he must not blame Andrew for his own state of mind. It would be easier when they were all back to normal.

But at least, he thought, there was now something like a hope for that.

Chapter Sixteen

«^»

The search in the archives of Armida was unproductive. There were records of all kinds of festivalswhich had at one time or another been customary in the Kilghard Hills, but the only Year’s End festivalhe could discover was an old fertility ritual which had died out considerably before the time of the burningof Neskaya and which seemed to have rather less than no bearing at all on Callista’s problem. Now thatthe search was underway, however, she was patient, and her health continued to improve.

Her menstruation had returned twice, but although Damon insisted that she should spend a precautionaryday in bed each time, and he had been prepared to clear her channels again if needed, they remainedclear. It was a good sign for her physical health, but a poor one for the eventual development of normalselectivity of the channels!

The normal winter work at Armida moved on, a mild winter, toward the spring thaw. As usual in winter, Armida was isolated, with few tidings of what happened in the outside world. Small bits of news took onmajor importance. A brood mare in one of the lower pastures gave birth to twin foals, both fillies.
 
Dam
 
Esteban gave them to Callista and Ellemir, saying that they should have matched saddle horses in a fewyears if they chose. The old minstrel Yashri, who had played for the dancing at Midwinter, broke twofingers of his hand in a fall during a drunken birthday party in the village, and his nine-year-old grandson

Page 171

came proudly to Armida, carrying his grandsire’s harp—which was nearly as tall as he was—to play dances for them in the long evenings. A woman on the further edge of the estate gave birth to four children at a single birth, and Callista rode with Ferrika out to the village where it had happened, to deliver gifts and good-will wishes. An overnight storm forced her to spend two nights away from home, to Andrew’s dread and worry. When she returned and he asked why this had been necessary, she told him gently, “It is needful for the safety of the babes, my husband. In the far hills the people are ignorant. They regard such a birth as a portent of luck, evil or good, and who is to know how it will take them? Ferrika can
 
tell
 
them this is nonsense, but she is one of themselves and they will not listen to her, though she is a midwife trained in Arilinn, a Free Amazon, and probably much more intelligent than I am. But I am
 
Comyn
 
, and a
 
leronis
 
. When I take gifts to the children, and comforts to the mother, the people know I have them under my protection, and at least they will not treat them as some frightful omen of catastrophe to come.”

“What were the babies like?” Ellemir asked eagerly, and Callista grimaced. “All newborn babes look to

me like hairless rabbithorns for the spit, Elli, surpassingly ugly.”

“Oh, Callie, how can you
say
 
that!” Ellemir reproached. “Well, I shall simply have to go and see them

for myself! Four at a birth, what a marvel!”

“Still, it is hard for the poor woman. I managed to encourage two women of the village to share the

suckling, but even before they are weaned, we shall have to send them a dairy animal.”

News of the quadruple birth spread far and wide around the hills, and Ferrika said she was glad it wasstill winter and the roads not too good—though indeed it was a mild winter—or the poor woman wouldbe bothered to death by people coming to see this marvel. Andrew found himself wondering what asevere winter would be like, if this was a mild one. He supposed that some year he would find out.

He had lost track of the passing time, except insofar as he carefully registered expected dates of foalingin the horse ranch’s studbooks and got into long, involved discussions with
Dom
 
Esteban and old Rhodriabout the breeding of the best mares. The days were lengthening perceptibly when he had the passing oftime brought forcibly to his attention.

He had come in from a long day in the saddle, and was going upstairs to ready himself for the eveningmeal. Callista, in the Great Hall, was with her father, teaching the old man to play her harp. Ellemir methim at the door of the suite they shared and drew him into her half of the rooms.

This was not uncommon. Damon had been absorbed in research, and now and again made lengthyjourneys into the overworld. His efforts were fruitless so far, but it had the normal consequence of matrixwork, and Ellemir had, matter-of-factly, welcomed Andrew into her bed at these times and others. Atfirst he had accepted this for what it had always been, a substitute for Callista’s inability. Then, one night,when he merely slept at her side—she had turned away intimacy, saying she was too tired—he hadrealized that it was not only this he desired of Ellemir.

He loved her. Not as a substitute for Callista, but for herself. He found this intensely disturbing, havingalways thought that falling in love with one woman meant falling out of love with others. He carefullyconcealed the thought, knowing it would trouble her, and only when he was far out in the hills, away fromthem all, did he let his mind carefully explore the thought:
 
God help me, have I married the wrongwoman
 
? And yet when he saw Callista again, he knew he loved her no less than ever, that he wouldlove her forever even if he could never again touch even her fingertips. He loved both of them. Whatcould he do about it? Now, as he looked at Ellemir, small and smiling and flushed, he could not forbeartaking her in his arms and kissing her heartily.

Page 172

She wrinkled her nose at him. “You smell of the saddle.”

“I’m sorry, I was going to bathe—”

“Don’t apologize, I like the smell of horses, and in winter I can never get out and ride. What were you

doing?” When he told her, she said, “I’d think the
 
coridom
 
could handle that.”

“Oh, he could, but if they get used to seeing me handle their problems, they’ll be willing to come to me instead of bothering
 
Dom
 
Esteban. And he looks so tired and worn lately. I think the winter is weighing on him.”

“On me too,” Ellemir said, “but I have something now to make the waiting worthwhile. Andrew, I

wanted to tell you first of all: I am pregnant! It must have happened shortly before Midwinter—”

“God almighty!” he said, shocked and sobered. “Ellemir, I’m sorry, love—I should have been—”

It was like a slap in the face. She moved away from him, her eyes flashing with anger. “I wanted to thankyou for this, and now I find you begrudge me this greatest of gifts. How can you be so cruel?”

“Wait, wait—” He felt confused. “Elli, little love—”

“How dare you call me love-names after… after slapping me in the face like that?”

He put out a hand to her. “Wait, Ellemir, please. I don’t understand again, I thought… Are you trying totell me you are
pleased
 
about being pregnant?”

She felt equally confused. “How could I possibly
 
not
 
be pleased? What sort of women have youknown? I was so happy, so very happy when Ferrika told me this morning that now it was sure, not justmy own wishes confusing me.” She looked ready to cry. “I wanted to share my happiness and you treatme like a prostitute, as if I were unfit to bear your child!” She sobbed suddenly. Andrew drew heragainst him. She pushed him away, then lay weeping against his shoulder.

He said helplessly, “Oh, Ellemir, Ellemir, will I ever understand any of you? If you are happy about this,then of course I am happy too.” He realized that he meant it as he had never meant anything in his life.

She sniffled, raising her head, like a day in springtime, all showers and sunshine. “Really, Andrew? Reallyglad?”