No Regrets

I wasn't going to let him get away with not giving me the details. I've seen too much old sci-fi on TV for that.

“So can I go anywhere in time? Can I change what happens? Will I meet myself from before or in the future? Or do I have my old or future body but I know everything I know now?”

The guy groaned and put his head down on a desk. “Maybe you should choose something else instead of time travel. There are lots of other gifts.” Without raising his head, he waved his book toward me.

I slapped it out of his hand. “No! C'mon, you said I could choose, and I want to time travel. I just need to know exactly how it works.”

He rolled his head back and forth on the desktop. He kind of looked like the band teacher at my school. It's so dumb—most of my dreams are about school or at least start there. But I'd never dreamed about Mr. Washington, and I knew this guy wasn't him. This guy was here to give me what I needed … if I could get him to explain how not to die while traveling in time.

“Stop being lazy!” I said to him. “Sit up!”

He slowly pulled his head up but then slouched down in the seat, looking at the ceiling. “How come you want to time travel, anyway?” he asked. “It's not fun.”

“None of your business,” I said. “Just answer my questions.”

“It's like you think you're running this show,” he said, finally looking at me. “I'm the magical one here. I'm offering to share a magical power with you. You could be nicer.”

“Nice never got me anything,” I tell him. “But I can be polite. OK—PLEASE. Satisfied?”

He pulled himself out of his chair and slowly walked to a box of books on the floor. He started throwing books out of it. He grabbed one from the very bottom and came back to his seat.

“That's
To Kill a Mockingbird
,” I said, pointing at the cover. “I didn't finish it when we were supposed to read it, but I'm pretty sure there's no time travel in it.”

“If you want to be in charge,” he said, flipping pages, “you can wake up whenever you want and go back to running your life perfectly.”

That shut me up. I bit my lip.

“Or maybe things aren't so perfect,” he said, almost to himself, “if you're so ready to be jumping around in time trying to change things.”

He was really irky, but I had to get a grip on myself. I breathed out through my nose. I would get what I wanted. That was what mattered.

“All right,” he said. “Hmm, OK, let's start that you can only go back from now to one year ago or forward now to one year in the future. So no preventing MLK being killed or all the other noble things I'm sure you're thinking about. Got it?”

He looked at me. I nodded even though I wanted to argue. A year wasn't far enough, and I was pretty sure he was just making up rules as he thought of them. But I decided to hear him out first.

“And you have to visit yourself, your life. You can never be more than … I don't know, maybe fifty feet from your past or future self. I'm not very good at judging distance, so don't quote me on that, but you get what I'm saying. You can't go far away from her.”

“Or else what?” I asked.

He scratched his head. “How 'bout you just stay close to the other you like you're supposed to, and we don't have to find out. Then, like I said, you're still you, and you-in-the-past is you back then, and you-in-the-future is you later. Man!” He shook his head. “OK, anyway, just don't mess with her. I mean, the other you.”

“Wait, I can't talk to myself? What's the point then?”

“If you've watched some sci-fi, you know what happens when people meet past or future selves. They shoot them or think they're crazy—”

“But not always,” I argued. “I wouldn't shoot myself, that's stupid.”

He shook his head again. “OK, do whatever you want. Don't say I didn't warn you.” Under his breath he said, “Like they say, you'd argue with a tree stump.”

“What else?” I asked.

He turned a page carefully. “Mmm, you can only go to a moment, a specific time, once. No ifs, ands, or buts. You pick your moments by the date and time. Hope you remember exactly when these things happened that you want to change so bad.”

I ignored that.

“And it would probably be a good idea if you could only change one thing in each moment. Yeah. And you can't stay in the past or future more than …” He pursed his lips. “Five minutes.”

“What?!” I burst out.

“It probably don't matter anyway. Some things you just can't change,” he said.

“Wait, are you saying that my life is already decided? Like, fate? For real?” I asked.

“Please, you think I know that kind of stuff?” he said. “That really isn't my department, and I'm already so regretting letting you do this. I think you should lay off the hard questions, OK?”

I rolled my eyes.

“You can take whatever's on your body. So you don't have to travel naked—that's just messy.”

“Thanks,” I said, getting smart. “But wait, while I'm not here, in the present, is time still moving? Or can I freeze time and go back or forward?”

He snorted. “Ain't nobody can freeze time. No, time … time's like a train. You've been on a train, right?”

I nodded.

“So, like, you're in your car in the middle. And usually you stay there. But there are other train cars behind your car and in front of it, too. All I'm doing is giving you the key to the doors between the cars. But the whole train is still moving, see. That's why you can't be gone too long from where you're supposed to be, or else someone will notice.”

I thought about all that. I didn't want to admit it, but this was starting to make my head swim a little.

“That train thing—that makes it sound like you can't change anything. Like you always come back to the same place, no matter what,” I said.

He cocked his head. “Look, don't overthink it. That's the best I can explain what I don't really understand myself. Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's going on with you? Maybe there's something better I could give you. How about sensing someone's weaknesses?”

I shook my head. “Naw, I'm good. I can take care of it myself. OK, is that it?”

He smiled. “Don't you want to know how to do it?”

“Oh, yeah…”

“You have to say
past
or
future
and then the date and time out loud and click your heels together three times.”

“What?!”

He showed me, pivoting his toes and banging the heels of his kicks together.

“You look stupid,” I told him.

“Not as stupid as you'd feel if you accidentally time traveled when you didn't mean to. Like, if you disappeared right in front of someone. This will keep you from making mistakes. Plus, when you get to when you're going, you can say, ‘Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.'” He started skipping around, whistling the song from that movie.

I figured I'd gotten as much as I could from him.

“OK, thanks.” I wondered how to wake myself up. This dream had gone on long enough.

He stopped skipping and looked at me. “I'll be checking in. I'm a little worried about this.”

I forced a smile. “I'll be fine.”

I woke up right away. It was dark and quiet. I checked the time. 3:17 a.m. Why not try it right now? No one would notice I was gone. I just wanted to see if it worked.

I jumped out of bed but then sat down on the edge. I had to think. I wasn't ready to do any business. Something simple. Even though the future was what I really wanted to see, the idea of jumping into the future gave me shivers.

I didn't feel like getting dressed. But time traveling in my pajamas? Then I laughed. I stood up and said, “Past. April 14, 3:17 a.m.” Then I banged my heels together three times.

I can't even say how it felt. It hurt. I thought I was going to puke. Then I fell over and realized I was in my living room. I got up slowly. I was so tired. Was I really in yesterday?

The house felt exactly like it had a minute ago when I was in my room. Dark. Quiet. Then someone turned over in bed in my parents' room upstairs, and I jumped. I walked silently down the hall to my room and stopped with my hand on the door.

I tried to open the door quietly, but it always squeaks. The girl in the bed moved but she didn't wake up. It was hard to see with the shades down. As my eyes got used to it, I could see it was me. I mean, she was me. Yesterday, last night.

I couldn't really take it in. I tried to remember if I'd dreamed about anything last night or what. This part of last night was a blank, though. I'd just slept through it.

I slid carefully down the wall to sit on the floor and watch myself sleep. It worked,
it worked!
My heart was pounding.
You're OK,
I tried to tell myself.
Even if you get stuck, it's just yesterday.

I felt smart—getting stuck in yesterday wouldn't be so bad. Basically nothing changed then. Except—dang! Now there was her and there was me. What would I do? Who would live my life? Would I follow her around?

My mind was whirling when all of a sudden I felt myself yanked back. Same bad feeling, wanting to puke, and then I slammed down on my bed. Even more tired than before, I crawled under my blankets and fell back asleep.

“C'mon, you get a magic power and you use it to go watch yourself sleep
yesterday
?”

I pulled a pillow over my head. “I need to sleep. Go away.”

The guy pulled the pillow back to look at me. “You OK? I told you it wasn't fun.”

“I just wanted to see if it worked.”

He looked offended.

“I thought I might get stuck.” I put an arm over my eyes. “But I'm so tired.”

He put the pillow back over my head gently. “OK, I'll leave you alone. But seriously, you got to save this stuff for when you really mean it. Now that you know how it feels.”

I nodded under the pillow as I sunk deeper into sleep.