No Phule Like An Old Phule (10 page)

“Wrong damn question,” rumbled a deep voice. Thumper recognized the speaker as Pingpong, the biggest and slowest recruit in the platoon. “What you oughta ask is, should we stomp the shit out of this so-called sophont for making everybody else look bad to the sarge?”

“Hey, easy there, Pingpong,” said Sharky, patting the big recruit on the shoulder. “It ain’t come to stompin‘, yet. We’re just havin’ a friendly talk with good ol‘ Thumper here, lettin’ him know how all his buddies in the squad feel about stuff.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Pingpong, scratching the thick fur atop his head. “Well, let me know when it’s time for stompin, OK?”

“Sure,” said Sharky, with a nod.

“I can’t believe you guys are threatening me,” said Thumper, indignation all over his face. “Just because I want to do my best…”

“Yeah, yeah, doin‘ your best is triff,” said Sharky. “But do you hafta do it when it makes all your buddies look bad? If you’d just save it for when there’s a real enemy…”

“We got a real enemy,” said another recruit-Spider, this time. “It’s all the farkin‘ sergeants…”

“Damn straight!” said several of the recruits in chorus.

“No, no, no,” said Thumper, holding up his forepaws. “Sure, the sergeants are tough on us, but that’s because we have to be tough when the death rays start flashing. Really, guys, it’s all for our own good…”

“Ain’t no damn death rays flashin‘,” said Pingpong.

“There ain’t been a farkin‘ war since my granddaddy was in the Regular farkin’ Army, forty years ago. Who we gonna fight, anyhow?”

“There was a civil war someplace out in the New Baltimore sector, wasn’t there?” said Spider. “The Legion was sent in to settle that one…”

“That was on Landoor,” said Sharky, dripping scorn. “And that wasn’t any real war-just a bunch of backward colonials gettin‘ excited. Only real action was when some Legion officer shot up the peace conference. Hope he got him a couple sergeants…”

“Shhh-Pitbull” came a hoarse whisper, but it was too late.

“YOU GOT YOU A SERGEANT NOW, YOU STUPID FARKIN‘ CLOWNS!” roared the drill sergeant, throwing open the door to the recruits’ bunkroom. The overhead light came on abruptly, catching the circle of recruits standing around Thumper’s bunk like greeblers around a sweetbush. They all snapped to attention as the sergeant stomped over to the group. “WHAT THE FARK’S GOIN’ ON HERE, AS IF I DIDN’T KNOW?” he bellowed.

“We was just telling old Legion stories, is all, sarge,” said Sharky, stepping to the front of the group. “Tryin‘ to build up the squad’s morale, y’know?”

“YEAH, HUH? LIKE YOUR MOTHER BUILDS UP THE ARMY’S MORALE,” said Sergeant Pitbull. “YOU FARKERS SHOULDA GOT YOURSELF SOME SLEEP BEFORE NOW, BECAUSE I WAS GONNA COME GIVE YOU A FRIENDLY WARNING, LIKE. JUST A LITTLE BIT OF ADVANCE NOTICE OF THE SURPRISE INSPECTION BY THE BIG BRASS.”

“Surprise inspection?” said several of the recruits in near unison.

“THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GOT WAX IN YOUR EARS?” explained Pitbull. “GENERAL

BLITZKRIEG SET DOWN ON BASE JUST AFTER DARK, AND HE’S GONNA COME

INSPECT BARRACKS AT OH-EIGHTHUNDRED HOURS TOMORROW FARKIN‘

MORNING. MAKE THAT THIS MORNING.”

“Oh-eight-hundred?” groaned the recruits. The clock on the wall showed just a bit shy of oh-four-hundred.

“YOU GOT IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME,” said Pitbull. “NOW, YOU’RE JUST LUCKY YOU

GOT A SERGEANT THAT REALLY CARES FOR YOUR SORRY ASSES, SO I GIVE YOU

SOME ADVANCE WARNING SO YOU DON’T ALL GET REAMED OUT BY THE GENERAL.

YOU THINK I’M A HARD-ASS, YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN‘. BLITZKRIEG EATS RECRUITS

FOR TAPAS WITH HIS AFTERNOON SHERRY. YOU GOT FOUR HOURS TO MAKE THIS

FARKIN’ PIGHOLE LOOK LIKE A LEGION BASE. BLITZKRIEG GIVES ANY ONE OF YOU

PSEUOOSOPHONTS EVEN ONE DEMERIT, YOU’LL GET IT FROM ME TEN

TIMES-EXCEPT I DON’T GIVE DEMERITS, I GIVE PUNISHMENT. YOU GOT THAT, YOU

CLOWNS?”

“Got it, Sarge,” said the recruits.

“THEN GET YOUR ASSES BUSY,” Pitbull shouted.

“AND BE QUIET ABOUT IT. I’M GONNAGET SOME FARKIN‘ SLEEP!”

“I dunno, man, this is some weird-ass job Rev wants us to do,” said Do-Wop. As usual, he was leaning on the back of Sushi’s chair, looking over his partner’s shoulder at the computer screen. “How does he expect us to find out about this Zenobian guy, Leavis?”

“‘L’Viz.” Sushi corrected him. “And how we find out about it is our business-we’re the recon experts, and he isn’t. It’s an interesting challenge, don’t you think? Find some way to access the Zenobians’ archives and see if we can pull out info on this ancient legend of theirs.”

“Sure, and how we gonna know it when we do find it?” said Do-Wop. “Even with a translator, that Flight Leftenant Qual don’t make sense half the time. I duno how you think we’re gonna find one particular story out of all the stuff they must have written down. It’s like findin‘ one special bush in the whole forest.”

“Yeah, I know it looks that way,” said Sushi. “But we do have a few clues that’ll make it easier; Like the name of the main character, for example. And if the story’s that well known, we may find it in more than one place. It’d be like searching-human archives for Odysseus…”

“O’Dizzy-us? Never heard of him.”

Sushi sighed. “Sometimes I wonder about you,” he said, looking up at his partner. “Should I send you out to find a bottle of quarks, so I can get some work done?”

“Better you should send me for a couple quarts of beer,” said Do-Wop. “I know-where to find that, anyhow.”

“Believe me, I’m tempted,” said Sushi. “But I’ve got some tricky work to do before I can kick back, and every now and then I’ll need a fresh pair of eyes to look over my shoulder so I can tell whether I’m making any real progress. So you can’t have any beer, either. What you can do is run over to Chocolate Harry’s and see if you can get us a translator. We’ll need it once I find the Zenobians’ archives-and we might as well have it before we need it. If he hassles you any, go get Rev to write out a requisition for it.“

Do-Wop smirked. “If he hassles me any, I’ll just figure out some way to skank it. Harry thinks he’s bad, but his security really stinks. I could slide into his supply depot and walk off with everything in sight, and he’d never look up from his biker magazines.”

“Maybe so, but don’t try it just yet,” said Sushi. “That’s the kind of thing we have to save for when we really need it. In fact, go to Rev first-he’ll write an order for a translator and sign it over to us, and that’s that. We don’t have to explain where it came from if somebody sees us using it, and people aren’t shooting us the evil eyeball when we really need to do something without being noticed.”

“Ah, you take the fun out of everything, Soosh,” said Do-Wop. “You wanna sneak into the Zenobians’ archives because it’s a challenge, and that’s supposed to be triff. But when I want to skank a translator from Supply, that ain’t triff, on account of I might get caught. I don’t see no difference.”

“You don’t?” Sushi turned around in his chair and looked his partner straight in the eye. “The difference is, there’s no problem getting a translator the legit way, and no awkward consequences if somebody sees us using it. But getting into the Zenobian archives is something Rev’s asked us to do—and he’s a Legion officer, so he’s the one who takes the heat if we get caught. We’re just doing a job‘ for a superior officer, get it?”

“Maybe,” said Do-Wop. “But remember back when that Major Botchup was CO when the captain was gone? There was a whole big mess about whether or not we should follow illegal orders, and who was authorized to give legal orders, and what happened if you weren’t sure. I never did find out just what was OK and what wasn’t, except I figured I don’t follow orders enough to get in trouble, anyway.”

“Well, that’s one way to look at it,” said Sushi. “But I think I know what you’re getting at. We don’t know for sure that Rev has any business spying on the Zenobians after all, they are supposed to be our allies. But how much do you want to bet that Alliance headquarters isn’t already spying on them, on a much wider level than we’re planning to do?”

Do-Wop’s eyebrows rose the better part of an inch. “Whoa, man, that’s right! I never thought about that-but it makes sense. Maybe there’s even somebody in our outfit doin‘ it, if we knew everything that was goin’ on!”

Now it was Sushi’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “You know, Do-wop, if I ever act as if I think you’re stupid, remind me of this. Of course there’s somebody in our company gathering intelligence on the Zenobians there’s got to be! We’re the only Alliance military outfit on Zenobia. I mean, why would the government pass up a chance like this? The question is, who is it? It must be somebody who’s been with us a while-we haven’t had anybody new join the company since before we got the Zenobia assignment.”

Do-Wop shrugged. “Well, it ain’t us—unless this job for Rev is part of it. Hey, you don’t think…”

“Nothing would surprise me,” said Sushi. “But we’re not going to figure it out just standing around jawing. Why… don’t you go over and get Rev to sign a chit for that translator and see if you spot anything to make you think he’s the spy. I suppose it’s none of our business, but I must admit you’ve piqued my curiosity.”

“I’ll keep my eyes open,” said Do-Wop, showing what for him was an unusual degree of enthusiasm. He winked, and slipped out the door, and Sushi returned to his attempts to penetrate the Zenobians’ computer network. Maybe that weird oscillation in the 1000khz range was a carrier wave of some kind…

“Hey, we just got here,” protested Ernie, sprawling full length on the bed. There was no other place in the room to sit, unless he wanted to perch on a windowsill-which was currently occupied by Lola.

“What’s the point of turning around and going right back out again?”

Lola shrugged. “Phule’s most likely to be at the Fat Chance, so that’s where we go.”

“Oh, sure,” groaned Ernie. “That’s halfway around the wheel. On a stinkin‘ bus, no less.”

“If you have a problem with a bus, think about what happens if we don’t get the job done this time,” said Lola. “Or did you enjoy our last meeting with Mr. V?”

“Screw Mr. V,” said Ernie, but he looked nervously over his shoulder as he said it. Here on Lorelei, the mob was as likely as not to have ears even in the shabby rented room where he and Lola had landed after their unenthusiastic return to the space station where their previous attempt to kidnap Willard Phule had gone spectacularly awry.

Despite taking the cheapest liner they could find passage on, the two freelance kidnappers had arrived at Lorelei low on funds-low enough to make finding someplace to stay a real chore. After several hours of working the spaceport’s bank of pay phones, Lola had managed to find them a room in a small apartment building that normally catered not to off-station tourists but to the lowest paid casino workers-a major comedown from the suite they’d occupied in the Fat Chance on their previous trip.

The only workers who lived this far from the casinos were the least skilled and most easily replaced. The powers that ran Lorelei Station saw no reason to waste much effort making their living quarters attractive or convenient.

“There’s a bus stop about half a kilometer away,” said Lola, looking over the battered Public Transit handout their landlord had condescended to lend them. “Come on, get your tourist duds on. Now’s as good a time as any to scope the place out and make some plans. Besides, if we look and act like players, there’s free food in the casinos. Unless you’ve been holding out on me, we sure can’t afford to eat in any of the restaurants here.“

“Holding out?” Ernie protested. “After the way you searched my baggage on the ship, you think I’m holding out on you? What, do you think I keep my fortune in antique microchips built into my back teeth?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you to try,” said Lola. “Only reason you wouldn’t do it is you’re too impatient to keep your money where you couldn’t get right at it if you got the itch for something expensive. And too lazy to go to the dentist, come to think of it. Which is why I want to get started now. Come on, Ernie, let’s go see if we can finish this job before the big guys get upset at us again.”

Muttering darkly, Ernie pulled himself upright. At Lola’s insistence, he changed into a sportier-looking shirt and ran a comb through his thinning locks. A pair of outsized sunglasses completed the costume.

Then, with Lola similarly disguised as a tourist, together they made their way to the nearby bus stop, hopped the Clockwise Local, and soon found themselves at the entrance of the Fat Chance Hotel and Casino.

“All right, put on a big smile,” whispered Lola, as they got off the bus. “And remember, we only have fifty bucks apiece to gamble with. Better try to win-it’s the only way we’re going to eat anything better than the free lunch.“

“I always win,” said Ernie.

“Sure,” said Lola, straightening her hat. “So tell me again-why are you taking contract jobs from the likes of Mr. V?” Fixed smiles in place, they strolled arm in arm through the main entrance of the Fat Chance.

The black uniformed guards, actually actors impersonating legionnaires, didn’t give them even a first glance.

Inside, they swept through the entrance lobby, ignoring the hotel registration desk, and headed straight for the gambling floors. During the working day, Phule was most likely to be within easy view of the floor, watching his investment growing before his eyes. Assuming, of course, that Phule was in the casino at all.

Lola and Ernie had found out on their previous trip just how risky that supposition was…

“Do you see him anywhere?” asked Lola, as they sauntened through the bar area.

Ernie peered around the glaringly lit bar area. “Not a sign of the guy… Hey! Check it out! I always wondered where she’d gone-didn’t know she was into gambling!”

“Who?” said Lola, looking at the woman Ernie had indicated, a small woman leafing through a racing magazine and sipping on some tall clear drink. “I see who you mean, but I don’t recognize the face. Is she a vid star or something?”

“Nah,” said Ernie, scoffing. “That’s Maria Della Fanatico-hottest race driver on the Formula-Ultra circuit, in her time. Broke all the course records for the Tour di Zappi when she first came up. Shocked the hell out of everybody when she retired all of a sudden, maybe fifteen years ago. People figured she got a rich boyfriend who didn’t want her to keep racing, or something like that. I thought she was the hottest thing in the world, when I was a kid. Never expected to see her someplace like here, though.”