Authors: Ni-Ni Simone
No Boyz Allowed (15 page)
“Game.”
We walked back to the table and my stomach felt like it was filled with sick butterflies. Ny’eem looked directly in my eyes as I slid into the booth next to him. “You a’ight?” he asked me.
“Yeah, I’m cool.” I nervously grabbed a menu and combed through it.
He stared at me a little longer than I wanted him to. For a moment I felt like he could read my mind.
“So umm, Ny’eem,” Pop called for his attention. “You look soooo familiar to me. You’re from Newark, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, looking at me out the corner of his eyes. “Born and raised.”
“Okay.” Pop looked at the menu. “I think I want pepperoni pizza.”
“Sounds good to me,” Man-Man said.
“So umm, Ny’eem,” Pop said. “Do you have a street name? By chance do they call you Crook?”
“Yeah,” he squinted. “How’d you know that?”
“Small world I guess. How’d you get a name like that?”
“Because of how I play ball. ’Cause whenever the opposing team has it, I steal it.”
Pop looked over at me and her eyes clearly said, “Yeah this is the same dude.”
My heart dropped to my feet and immediately tears beat against the back of my eyes.
Don’t cry . . . Don’t cry . . . Don’t cry . . . Don’t cry . . .
“You know what?” Pop said as she scrolled through her cell phone. “I have an emergency and I need to get home right away.”
“Oh, you have an emergency?” I managed to say.
“Okay, I’ll take you home, Pop,” Man-Man volunteered.
“No,” Pop snapped a little harder than she should’ve. “It’s fine. Me and Gem will catch the bus.” She looked at me. “Let’s go.” And we scurried out of the restaurant before Ny’eem or Man-Man could stop us.
22
P
op and I rode the bus in silence. I’m not sure if we were quiet because she knew that I would cry at any moment, so she decided not to say much—or she didn’t exactly know what to say. She’d texted Kamani and told her that we were on our way over to her house for an emergency meeting. And she’d texted Janay and told her that David’s choir rehearsal needed to go on standby, because my life, once again, was in shambles.
op and I rode the bus in silence. I’m not sure if we were quiet because she knew that I would cry at any moment, so she decided not to say much—or she didn’t exactly know what to say. She’d texted Kamani and told her that we were on our way over to her house for an emergency meeting. And she’d texted Janay and told her that David’s choir rehearsal needed to go on standby, because my life, once again, was in shambles.
“The good thing,” Pop said, as I bit into my bottom lip and looked out the window, “is that Kamani only lives around the corner from me, so if we feel the urge to go and mess up Ny’eem, Benny is only a couch and cell phone minutes away.”
I didn’t respond, I was too busy wondering how I could be so stupid.
Ny’eem must’ve called me a thousand times and each time I sent him to voice mail.
Seriously, what was I going to say to him? How could you play me? How could you do me this way? What did I do to deserve this? There was no way I could ask him any of those questions. Not when I felt like I’d asked those same freakin’ questions all of my life.
I’d asked them since my mother used to hide in the bathroom all day and night and get high. Since I realized that I didn’t know my father because my mother didn’t know who he was. Since I was placed in foster care and my mother never came and got me. All of my life I’d asked those questions and I was tired of it.
So eff it.
It was what it was. And if I’d rolled with everything else that had come my way, then I could roll with the most recent gut punch—that my boyfriend—who I loved so much and thought was so great—was nothing more than... nothing.
Tears clouded my eyes and as fast as they fell I wiped them away. Pop placed her arm over my shoulder and said, “If you want, I’ll break up with G-Bread and then we can both share in this misery.”
“Nah, I’m good,” I said, feeling numb.
Pop pressed the buzzer and signaled the driver to let us off at the next stop.
We walked quietly up the block and to the apartment complex Kamani lived in. We pressed Kamani’s bell and before anyone answered Pop said, “Gem, you’re not in this alone. We’re girls. All of us. And we’re not gon’ let some buster come between our crew. So the Rich Girlz got you, trust.”
“Thanks, Pop,” I said. But there was nothing she could say that wouldn’t make me feel alone. Because I was alone.
Kamani buzzed us in. We caught the elevator to her third-floor apartment. The door was open and Kamani’s little sister showed us to Kamani’s room, where she and Janay were parked on the bed and sending out tweets.
Pop and I sat on the edge of Kamani’s bed and Janay said, “This better be good, because although the pastor’s daughter was gone, I did leave David there with the first lady.”
“Would you please,” Pop said, agitated. “No one wants to hear about Eddie Long, I mean David and his church-capades, okay. Now moving on to some serious ish.” She looked at Kamani. “We got a problem.”
“What, it’s ninja time?” Kamani asked.
“No, it’s way worse than that,” Pop said.
“So what is it?”
“You know we went to Chickey D’s after school—”
“Oh yeah,” Kamani interrupted. “I couldn’t make it. Crook told me that he had basketball practice to go to.”
Pop rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “He is such a liar, Kamani. He didn’t have basketball practice.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because he was sitting up there at Chickey D’s with Gem.”
“What?!” Kamani screeched. “What do you mean? What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that your boyfriend, Crook, is Gem’s boyfriend, Ny’eem.”
Kamani laughed and waved her hand. “Girl, please. Gem could never pull Crook.”
“And what the hell does that mean?” I looked at Kamani all crazy.
“I’m just saying that Crook is so into me, that other chicks don’t even exist to him.”
Pop frowned. “They don’t exist when you’re around, but when you’re gone there’s some serious hocus-pocus going on. And you can believe that.”
“Well I
don’t
believe that,” Kamani said.
don’t
believe that,” Kamani said.
I stared at Kamani and I wondered if underneath it all we shared the same pain or was she truly in denial.
“But Pop and Gem,” Janay added her half a cent in. “Why would you two think that Crook and Ny’eem would be the same person when those are two different names? Obviously they’re two different people.”
Pop looked at Janay as if she could’ve slapped her.
“Crook is his street name,” I managed to say, without too much tremble in my voice. “Ny’eem is his real name. And when Pop asked him why they called him Crook he said it was because of the way he plays ball.”
“He said that?” Kamani bit the inside of her cheek. “He told you this?”
“Yeah.”
“My Crook?” she said in disbelief. “My Crook who has his own spot?”
“Yeah, the spot that his sister, Elite the R&B singer, bought him,” I said.
“He looks like Wale? With a sleeve of tattoos? Dark skin—”
“Yeah, damn!” I snapped. “It’s the same guy!” Tears filled my eyes. “What part don’t you understand! He’s been playing us! And that’s the problem.” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“What you crying for?!” Kamani screamed.
“ ’Cause I loved him and he hurt me! I’m tired of being played!” Unwanted tears rolled down my face. “Damn!” I hated this. Crying was such a weakness.
“I can’t believe you’re standing here crying over my man!” Kamani spat.
“Your man,” Pop snapped. “He’s been both of y’all man, that’s the problem!”
“Oh, hell no!” Kamani said. “He hasn’t been both of our man, because I’ve been with him for over a year, so I’ve been the main chick, don’t get it messed up—”
“We can’t possibly get it any more messed up than what you got it,” Pop said pissed. “Are you slippin’ or forgettin’ that no boy is supposed to come between our clique?”
“No I didn’t forget. That’s why I’m looking at Gem crazy. As much as I talk about Crook you’re really trying to tell me you didn’t know that he was my man. Girl, please. I don’t believe that. You’ve been smiling in my face and doing me dirty behind my back!” Kamani raised up off of the bed and pointed into my face. Which instantly caused all of us to stand up, and divide into unspoken teams. Janay stood next to Kamani and me and Pop stood together.
“I don’t know what you gang-bangin’ at the mouth for,” I said to Kamani. “But where I come from if you raise up that means you’re about to bring it. And I ain’t never been afraid to buck, so wassup? ’Cause I’m trying to explain to you that we both got played. I didn’t go after your man. I didn’t even know what your boyfriend’s name was until at practice today. So what you sound to me—is ridiculous!”
“And you sound like a skank whore!” Kamani spat. “You must’ve gave him some, ’cause anybody from the streets is easy. But one thing I ain’t scared of and that I know for sure is that I’m not gon’ let some homeless, ratchet-crackhead foster kid take my man from me. Period. So my advice to you, Rich Girl, is to fall back or get dealt with. So step off!”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Pop interrupted. “This is going too far—”
“No it hasn’t.” I took two steps toward Kamani. “’Cause I’ma take it a little farther. Be clear, I don’t do threats. I just smack the crap outta you until you get some sense. And if you keep coming at me crazy, I will be forced to give you the slap that all stupid chicks need. Now my advice to you, Rich Girl, is to calm down ’cause if you keep talkin’, this ratchet-crackhead foster kid will lay you down. And I’m from the streets, so I don’t fight fair, I make sure lungs collapse. So hear me on this, I’ma step-off and not because I’m afraid of you, but because I don’t do no-good dudes. But since you do, he’s all yours.”
“I don’t believe you, Kamani,” Pop said. “You gon’ bug over some dude who doesn’t even have enough respect for you to be faithful?!”
“At least he’s not breaking up with me every other day, like G-Bread is doing you.” Kamani rolled her eyes. “So you’re the last one to talk.”
“You better keep G-Bread’s name outcha mouth!” Pop spat.
“Look,” I said, feeling as if I was due to break at any minute. “I’m done, ’cause I don’t argue with chickens. Are you ready, Pop?”
“Yeah, I’m ready to pop!” Pop spat. “I don’t believe this,” she said as we stormed out of Kamani’s apartment and slammed the door behind us. I didn’t open my mouth or look at Pop until I’d reached my house and made it to my room. And then, as if a swift wind had come by and kicked me in the stomach and something had gripped me in the chest, I leaned against the wall, slid to the floor and cried for what felt like forever.
23
“
A
ye, yo, what you doing?”
A
ye, yo, what you doing?”
I didn’t have to look up to know that was Man-Man standing in my doorway. With the exception of the streetlamp’s glow that spilled in through my mini-blind slats, my room was a misty black until Man-Man walked in and the light from the hallway spilled onto my carpeted floor, where I’d been sitting for hours. My knees were pulled to my chest and my head was held down.
Since I’d been sitting here I did manage to get up once, so that I could convince Pop I was okay enough for her to leave. Even though I wasn’t. I just wanted to cry in peace—without hearing, “It’ll be okay. It’ll be all right.” I really didn’t want to be soothed and I definitely didn’t want to be lied to. I knew Pop meant well, but we both knew that nothing would ever be okay again. Not with the way I felt—as if someone had gripped my throat and left their fist there.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes and although I didn’t hold my head up, I did manage to turn to the side, look at Man-Man, and say, “I’m just sitting here. I’m okay.”
“You’re sitting on your floor in the dark and you’re okay? Yeah a’ight, you already know you can keep it real with me.” Man-Man closed my door and slid onto the floor next to me. “Pop told me what happened.”
The fist clutched around my throat made it hard to swallow but, I did, and then I asked Man-Man, “Did you know... about her?” Silent tears ran down my cheeks and Man-Man took one of his sleeves and wiped them away.
“Nah, I didn’t know. I had no idea. And if I did, I would’ve deaded the whole deal from the beginning. There’s no way I would’ve let him be with my little sister.”
I felt my chest preparing to explode . . . five . . . four . . . “I thought he was so different.” Three ... two ... “And all he did was play me . . .” One . . . ! I broke into tears that felt like they’d come from the bottom of my feet. I did my best to control my internal explosion—but I felt like I’d lost my mind. Like I was really going crazy.
Insane.
I felt like I was spinning... and I didn’t want to spin. I wanted the day that I met Ny’eem back, the first day he kicked it to me back, the first time we kissed back, the day I gave my virginity to him back, I wanted it all back so that I could take it and spit on it. Because none of it was worth me feeling like I had a bullet lodged in my chest.
“Awl man,” Man-Man sighed. “Yo, don’t cry.” He draped his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. “Don’t cry, lil sis.” He stroked my hair. “I don’t believe this,” he said, more to himself than to me. After a few minutes of me having a crying convulsion Man-Man said, “I don’t know if it’ll make you feel better or not, but I called Crook and I let him know that the next time I saw him I was gon’ see about him. ’Cause ain’t no way he can rock with me or be my boy and he hurt you like this. Nah, I’ma slaughter ’im, for real, son.”
I wanted to tell Man-Man to just leave Crook alone, because I knew that telling Man-Man to drop it was the right thing to say, but truth be told, I wanted somebody to take Crook and two-piece him. I just didn’t know if it needed to be my brother.
“Gem!” Ms. Grier yelled and simultaneously opened my door. “Ny’eem . . . is . . . here . . .” She paused and flicked the light on. “What’s going on in here?” She looked down at me. “You’ve been crying? What are you crying for? Did somebody do something to you?” she asked me, not coming up for air. “Somebody hurt you? Cousin Shake!” she yelled, not giving me a chance to answer any of her million and one questions. “I think we might need to call up Aunt Nona’s son, Shy-Pookie, is he out of jail yet?”
“Nawl!” Cousin Shake yelled back. “Remember he was on the news last week for holding up that grocery store? Well, they had a ten thousand dollar reward for anybody who could help lead to his arrest, and I turned him in. Me and Minnie’ll be in Hawaii next week. Why?” he asked, filling my doorway. He paused as he looked down at us. “Man-Man, why are you all hugged up on your lil sister? Don’t you know insectory is illegal?”
“It’s incest,” Ms. Grier corrected him. “And he was comforting her. She’s crying and won’t tell me why.”
“Because you won’t be quiet long enough for her to answer you, Ma,” Man-Man snapped.
Ms. Grier gave him a warning eye and said, “Somebody needs to tell me what the problem is. And right now.”
“It’s Ny’eem,” Man-Man answered. “He did some real foul stuff. Which is why I’m about to go downstairs and handle him.”
“No!” I hopped up off the floor. “Don’t! Let me go and talk to him, please.”
“Nah—”
“Man-Man. I need to do this.”
He hesitated. “A’ight, but he got one time to come out the side of his neck and I’ma floor him.”
“Awl, hell,” Cousin Shake said. “Let me go and get my yo-azz-better-be-cool stick.”
I walked down the stairs and although my family didn’t follow directly behind me, I could feel them watching me. Ny’eem stood in the center of the living room and his eyes looked worried. Sad. Confused.
I walked over to him and he said, “You got a minute?”
“Not really.” I bit my bottom lip.
Don’t cry... don’t cry... you better not cry in front of him...
I swallowed and said, “So make it quick.”
“Can we get a little privacy?”
“No!” Ms. Grier yelled down the stairs.
“Why you always so nice, Grier?!” Cousin Shake snapped, slapping a duct taped bat in the palm of his right hand. “Hell no, you can’t get no privacy! Apparently you been a lil too private, that’s the problem!”
“I’ll be okay.” I turned around toward the stairs and looked at them standing there. “I’ma just step outside for a minute.”
I didn’t wait for them to protest. Instead, I walked quickly onto the porch and Ny’eem was behind me.
“What?” I spat.
Ny’eem reached for my hands and I snatched them back. “Oh, it’s like that? You don’t even want me touching you?” he said.
“Never again.” I twisted my lips.
“Gem, listen to me.” He walked up close to me and I took two steps back. He stopped in his tracks and said, “Do you know how much I love you? I would never cheat on you.”
“You didn’t cheat on me,” I spat. “You cheated with me. Kamani was the main chick.”
“What?” He looked disgusted. “I don’t even know who you or your brother are talking about—”
I rolled my eyes to the sky. “Don’t you think you’ve lied enough? Now you don’t know the girl? Can’t you come better than that?”
“It’s the truth!”
“It’s a lie and you know it!” I shook my head. “I’m soooo stupid. Here I thought you really loved me—”
“I do love you!”
“I thought you were soooo real. Like one of the best things that ever happened to me. I thought you were different—”
“I am different!”
“You’re nothing!” I spat. “If anything you’re a lying dog.
That’s why you would never answer your phone when I was around. And why you’ve been acting so funny toward me—”
“I didn’t answer my phone because I knew whoever was calling me wasn’t as important as you. And I haven’t been acting funny toward you—”
“You were acting funny this afternoon. It wasn’t about you losing a game, it was about your main girl wanting to be with you.”
“The only girl I have is you!”
“You don’t have me. I’m not your girl!”
“What?” Ny’eem hesitated. “So you really gon’ let some bird come along and dead all that we have.”
“We don’t have nothing but a buncha lies. Here I thought that my life couldn’t possibly get any better than finally having a family and a boyfriend that I loved. Do you know how much I trusted you? Do you know how I felt when that girl told me she was your girl and that you were her man? I felt like nothing. Like nothing.” I pushed him in his chest and tears slipped from my eyes. I turned toward the door to go back inside and Ny’eem grabbed me by my forearm and spun me back around toward him.
“Gem, I need you to believe me and understand that I didn’t cheat on you. I love you. I swear I love you more than anybody I’ve ever loved. You make my life complete. Believe me.”
“How can I believe anything you say, and you won’t even admit that you know the chick?”
“I don’t!”
“Oh so, you really don’t know Kamani Sanders, but Kamani Sanders knows you like the back of her hand and swears you’re her man!”
Ny’eem paused and then he said, “I kicked it to her for a minute—”
The fist that had gripped my throat had now moved and was beating me in the back of my head, but instead of crumbling and giving in to the pain I chuckled in disbelief and said, “First you don’t know her. And now you kicked it to her for a minute. Whatever. We’re done. Through. It’s over and I don’t ever want to see you again! I hate you!”
“Oh word,” he said calmly, but his eyes welled with tears. “So you just gon’ bounce? Like what we had is nothing.”
He paused and I stood silently, doing all I could to stop the tears that were revealing too many of my feelings.
“That’s what you’re saying, right?” he pushed.
“Yeah,” I swallowed, still looking away from him. “Exactly.”
Ny’eem softly turned my face toward his and said, “Keep it gutter with me in my face. Now say it, since you loved me yesterday and hate me today. Look me in my eyes and tell me that. Say it. Because I promise you if you say it and you mean it then I’ll step all the way off. But, if you can’t say it, then that means you don’t mean it. Which means we gon’ fix this because I didn’t do anything!”
I looked Ny’eem in his eyes and when I realized that tears were seriously threatening to spill from them, there was no way I could tell him that I hated him, because I didn’t. I loved him and that’s what I hated. “Ny’eem,” I sighed. “It’s over. I’m done.”
“Nah,” he said and took a step back. “This is far from over, and I put that on everything I love.”
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