New World Ashes (20 page)

I pushed my chin out digging it into his chest plate.

“I was a child, and even then I had the courage to stand up to that monster and tell him he was wrong.
I
knew and
I
acted on it. My parents fought back too. Those people out there are ignorant about what is happening around them. And ignorance gets people killed. And
those
soldiers are misguided
idiots
. Stupidly thinking they are serving their city when really they are repressing it. Why should I risk my life to help them when they won’t even help themselves?” I shoved as hard as I could. Ryker released me after a moment. When his hands let go, I lashed out causing him to stagger backward a few paces. I glared at him. Without another word I continued down the tunnel, with him hot on my heels.

Ryker stepped in front of me, blocking my path, but he did not touch me this time.

“You’re right, they are ignorant. They have no idea there are better ways, but they are not blissful in their ignorance. This city is drowning in
fear
. These people are blind—lost in the darkness and they are scared. They need someone to show them the way. To show them there are choices. To
guide
them.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to step around him, but he parried my advance again.

“They don’t deserve to be punished for their lack of knowledge. It is only those who see the truth and still turn a blind eye that should be punished.” His eyes burned with passion. “Most of those people have not chosen a side because they didn’t know there was a side to choose. But they will. The day will come when they have to choose. And that day is almost here.”

“Yeah, good luck with that.” I rammed my shoulder into his sternum, shoving him aside. I glanced at a flashing camera on the wall and hastened my steps. I could hear Ryker moving up behind me.

“It’s fear!” Ryker bellowed. “They are
scared
, Prea!”

I didn’t stop walking, carefully retracing the path we had taken earlier.

“Only weak people let their fears stop them from doing what’s right.” I snarled.

“Oh and
you
have always done the
right
thing?” His tone soured.

“HA!” I barked out a false laugh. “That’s so righteous coming from
you
.”

We had reached the door that lead to his house. I stopped in front of it, staring at the electronic keypad. I didn’t know the code to enter. Folding my arms across my chest, I glared up at him.

“You are so dense!” He punched the keypad with unnecessary force. “You don’t understand. It’s not the same here. They have
no
choice.”

I shoved him aside and wrenched the door open as the locks released. We stepped inside the small room off of the corridor.

I shoved my finger in his face. “Everyone has a choice!”

Ryker was already shaking his dark head, leaning over me with his towering height. “You’re not listening! That choice has been
taken
from them!”

I turned on him. Pulling myself up to full height I held my ground. We were both screaming now. “That mother did nothing! She cried and did
nothing
to save her child! How could she have let them take her son? I would have fought! I would have
died first
!”

“I am sure she would have too, but it’s not just
her
life in the balance! It’s not always as simple as sacrificing yourself!” Ryker’s eyes were ablaze as he stepped closer. “The soldiers would have killed her, then her other child, then her husband and then her friends. That’s what you don’t understand,
Phoenix
! You have only had to care about yourself for years. You don’t know what it is to have those you love die because of your actions. Would you be willing to sacrifice Mouse just to stand up for what you believe in?”

My face went slack. I faltered. “N…No…”

“
See
, it’s not that simple. Not when love is involved.”

I glared at Ryker, hating him for demonstrating that I might be just as weak as those people. A few months ago, I thought love was merely a frivolous emotion shared between sexually charged lovers, but it was so much more. Love was more powerful than hate or fear, it was all-consuming and worth dying for. I had proven that when I sacrificed my life to save Mouse and Triven. But Ryker was right. It was easy to sacrifice yourself, but could you sacrifice the ones you loved too?

As my anger ebbed, I became acutely aware of how uncomfortably close our bodies were now that the screaming had stopped. Both of our chests were heaving with anger and exertion. Ryker’s breath was hot on my skin. Before I could move, his hands were gathering my face. His lips swooped down, claiming mine. Shock froze me in place. My eyes popped wide as he kissed me with an unexpected fierceness. His vibrant eyes were open, watching me as his lips moved hungrily against mine. I didn’t move.

Suddenly my mind clicked back to life and regained control of my body. My knee wrenched upward catching him in the gut. His lips released mine as he heaved out air and staggered backward. Reflexively Ryker’s hands flew up to protect his face but he didn’t fight back.

I advanced on him like a predator, only stopping once his back hit the wall.

I stared at him incredulously. My fist froze in the air ready to strike. He just raised his chin prepared to receive my retribution. Ryker’s eyes were filled with defiance and arrogance, but also fear. Not of physical pain, but rejection. Maddox’s face flickered across my vision, merging with Ryker’s. I shook my head. A strange feeling tugged at my heart, making my chest ache. I hated that feeling.

“Screw you.” I growled and turned to walk away. Even though Ryker’s advances were a far cry from Maddox’s, they were still unwarranted and unwanted.

“Prea…” He said it so quietly I wasn’t sure at first if he spoke at all. I stopped by the doorframe. My whole body shook with anger.

“
Your
Prea is dead!” I rounded on him. Then letting the rage boiling within me surface, I punched the wall next to his head. He flinched. White-hot fire shot up my arm as I screamed with rage more than pain. The plaster cracked under my blow, splintering as the knuckles in my hand broke. Keeping my fist balled up, I strode from the room refusing to look back.

WHEN I ENTERED
our room, Triven was pacing the floor. A book lay facedown open on our bed, forgotten. His back was turned to me. One hand was tapping nervously at his side, while the other ran idly through his hair. My stomach clenched. Triven had always kept this worried, nervous side of himself well hidden from me. I knew that he never wanted to appear weak. The same as I did. Pride was a dangerous thing. A fault we both shared.

Then, a dawning realization crept over me as I watched him. My chest began to ache as he anxiously paced. His pain was my pain. His fear was my fear. And for the first time I understood it wasn’t always about pride. Sometimes we hid parts of ourselves to
protect
those we cared for. I took an unsteady breath.

“Triven.” I said his name with reverence.

He spun on his heels. The entirety of his body relaxed at the sound of my voice. A warm smile lit his face as his eyes met mine, but quickly faded when they fell upon my hand. I clutched it closer to my chest, as if to conceal it from him. He closed the gap between us in five strides and pulled me gently into his arms. After a few heartbeats he let go and gently slid his fingers down my arm to my injured hand. I had spilt two of the knuckles and the inflamed skin was already yellowing.

“It’s broken,” he sighed. “Do I want to know what happened?”

“Probably not.” I said honestly.

“That bad?” Triven smiled, trying to ease the tension.

“
Ryker
kissed me.” I said his name with residual malice. A flash of pain shot up my arm as Triven’s hands reflexively squeezed a little too tightly. As I sucked in air, he instantly adjusted his grip. His smile wavered.

“Please tell me you broke your hand punching him in the face.” Triven said, carefully examining my hand again. His tone was a little too tight.

“The wall actually.”

“Too bad, the pompous ass could use a little humility,” he said.

“Triven…” I sighed, then laughed darkly.

“Well, it’s true.” He muttered.

He was right. Ryker was an ass, but there was something about hearing Triven say it that made it seem harsher. Triven got along with almost everyone. I, on the other hand, hated pretty much everybody. But the truth was, as much as I wanted to hate Ryker, I didn’t. Not really. After hearing Triven’s tone, however, I wasn’t sure the same could be said for him.

I looked at my hand, unable to meet Triven’s eyes as I spoke. “I should have broken his nose, but… As much as it irritates me to say it, I couldn’t. For a split second, it made me think of Maddox and I just couldn’t hit him. I don’t know why. It’s not the same with Ryker as it was with Maddox. I don’t like him but maybe it’s that I owe him too. No matter how hard I deny it, there is some… connection between us. We have a history. Even though my mind can’t remember it… it’s like a part of me does. It’s hard to explain. I hate him and I don’t. He understands me. He can get under my skin. I
hate
that he kissed me, that he even
touched
me. Ryker is a manipulative ass, but he’s not the enemy. He risked his life to save me. I despise owing him my life. But I still do.”

Triven pulled away, dropping my hand. When I reached for him, he turned away from me. I caught the pain that flashed across his handsome features before he could hide his face. He took a few determined steps away from me.

“I’ll go get the medical kit.” His voice was flat, trying to hide any pain he felt.

I reached out again and grabbed his arm with both hands, squeezing so hard my eyes watered from the pain in my injured knuckles. But I held fast as he tried to pull away.

“Triven, he and I have a history, but that’s the
only
thing between us. And it definitely doesn’t change how I feel about you. I may owe him my life, but you
are
my life. You’re the one I
chose
to let in. You and Mouse. You’re the only reasons I survived. I
love
you
.”

He turned so fast I was nearly knocked over. Triven’s lips were loving, hungry and desperate all at once. They pushed against mine with a need so strong that it was almost frightening. Then just like that it was over. He pulled me to his chest, pressing his cheek to the top of my head as he held me. I could hear his heartbeat racing.

“You have no idea how long I have waited for you to say that.” There was sadness in his voice when he spoke. “I just wish… it hadn’t been in reaction to someone else kissing you.”

I pressed my face to his chest as my eyes began to burn. I had no words. I had selfishly kept those three words from Triven. But it
wasn’t
Ryker kissing me that had enabled me to say them aloud, it was what he said—that I loved Triven and Mouse. I did love them. In different ways of course, but they were mine. The only things I had ever cherished more than myself.

“You could have said it first.” I muttered into his linen shirt.

His responding laugh rumbled in his chest. “No, I couldn’t.”

As always, he was giving me the choice. Letting me take control. Triven pulled away, lowering his gaze to meet mine. “I’m not blind. I see how he looks at you. There is a connection he shares with you that I will never have. I know you love me, but there is chemistry between you two. Even you admitted it. And as much as I love you, as much as I am willing to sacrifice my life for yours, as much as I
trust
you—I don’t trust him. Not anymore. I put your life in his hands when I could not save you. Granted he brought you back to us, but not in the way I would have hoped. Not without hurting you first. You and I once agreed that a person’s choices define them and I don’t trust Ryker’s.”

I thought of the horrific things Ryker had done for the right reasons. Things
I
had done. Triven was right though. Terrible things done for the right reasons were still terrible. I understood that now. The difference was, Ryker rarely showed the same regret I felt. A quiet pain blossomed in Triven’s warm eyes. I tried to look away but he pulled my face back to his.

“I may distrust that man, but there are still decisions that must be made and they
will
involve him. Despite how I feel about him, Ryker is a good leader and this war is being started for the
right
reasons. I know you have already made your choice about what we are going to do. I could see it in your eyes the moment you walked in here.” His tone was even. “And I have made promises on behalf of the Subversive, that they would be allies in this budding war. But those promises do not include you. Eventually we will have to leave here to warn and prepare our people. They deserve that much. But after that, you’re free to act of your own will, as you always have been. I said I would follow your lead and I still hold firm to that promise. I may not trust him, but I trust
you
, Prea. Nothing will change that.”

I nodded mutely, unable to find the right words. Triven kissed the top of my head just as the tears began to fall in earnest down my cheeks. I hated emotions. Life was easier when I felt nothing at all. I blinked furiously.

“When this war is over I’m going to beat the crap out him.”  He muttered. Taking a deep breath, Triven cleared his throat thickly and motioned to our bed. “How about I work on mending that hand while you tell me where the
ass
took you. I highly doubt this entire evening was merely about him trying to make a move on you.”

We both laughed a little too stiffly as I took a seat and Triven retrieved a healing kit. I regaled him with the details of the events I had witnessed tonight, recalling the family’s terror and pain vividly. Triven was equally appalled when I finished, his face pale and brow furrowed. He was shaking his head as I gingerly flexed my newly mended hand.

“Arstid told me stories about how controlled the people were here, but I never wanted to believe it was this bad, that a mother would be forced to sacrifice one child just to save another. A small naive part of me had hoped I would be wrong, that it wasn’t as bad as I had been told. That maybe my mother had exaggerated.” He opened his mouth to speak but closed it, thinking. When he opened it again, someone else spoke.

“She didn’t.”

Triven stiffened as Ryker entered the room. He surveyed the two of us. My cheeks burned in anger. Tension flexed in the air around us.

“I came to apologize for my actions earlier.” While Ryker’s voice sounded remorseful, the sincerity never reached his eyes.

Triven rose, turning to face me. “I think maybe I should go find Mouse. She’ll want to know you’re home safely.”

He was gripping the healing kit so tightly his long fingers were turning white as the tendons strained against his skin. I placed my hands gently over his. “We will find her together in a moment.”

Ryker’s keen eyes stared at my hand on Triven’s—a rare sign of affection. His jaw clenched when he looked up at me. I stepped around Triven, addressing Ryker with all of the authority I could muster.

“Triven, Mouse and I will be leaving the city in three days.”

Triven showed no reaction to my words but Ryker’s face fell as he lost his usual military stoicism. This was not the response he had been expecting. I relished in his discomfort for a moment.

“You will supply us with ample amounts of food, weaponry and any other supplies we deem necessary to survive.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before continuing. “I will need everything you can spare if I am to unite the Tribes.”

Ryker’s face twitched with confusion. “You’re going to help us? I thought… After everything… You’re going to gather the Tribes to fight for us?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to try. That’s all I’m promising. Surviving is what I do best and I am banking on the fact the Tribes will understand that basic need more than any other desires they may have.” I took an unsteady breath. Triven’s hand squeezed my shoulder, letting me know I had his support. “But let’s get one thing straight. I’m no one’s hero. I will fight for what
I
believe in. And if you ever find yourself on the other side of that line, I won’t simply punch a wall next time. So, I will do what I can to see The Minister fall, but find yourself another savior. It sure as hell isn’t me.”

For the first time, Ryker looked genuinely stunned. He quickly recovered, his mask slipping back into place. He blinked at the floor and I could see the plans forming in his mind.

“Arrangements will need to be made. I will see to it.” Ryker said.

He moved to go, but Triven spoke out, stopping him. “Touch her again without her permission and I will remove your arms.”

It was the first time I had heard him speak protectively out of anger. While Triven’s tone was carefully controlled, the threat was palpable. It felt strange hearing such aggressive words spill from his usually gentle lips.

Without a response, Ryker nodded to both of us and turned to leave. Only I caught the flicker of his eyes before he disappeared down the hall. As he left, the tension tapered. I could feel rather than see Triven relax.

“Are you sure?” Triven asked. He was not questioning my decision, merely ensuring my choice was purely what
I
wanted.

“No,” I breathed. “But what we want and what is right don’t always coincide.”

“They rarely do.” Triven squeezed my shoulder again, smiling sadly. “For what it’s worth, I would have made the same choice.”

As I trailed behind Triven to find Mouse and tell her of our news, I couldn’t shake the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

If I was making the right decision, then why did it feel as if I had just condemned us all?

THE PROBLEM WITH
making promises in advance is that you have time to second-guess and regret those decisions. Which I did.

We had found Mouse under Inessa’s motherly care reading a contraband book by some long dead author. Unlike Triven, Mouse did not seem as concerned about my return. Her faith in Ryker was obviously greater than mine or Triven’s.

It was Mouse’s reaction when we told her of our decision that was now making me regret my promise to help the rebels. Instead of being hesitant about joining the rebels and returning to Tartarus, she seemed elated. She had bound to me wrapping her thin arms around me in a tight hug. She pulled away from me with a more serious expression on her young face. The danger of what we were being asked to do resonated with her. She signed the word I had begun to both cherish and dread.